Preventing Leadership
In The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness, social psychologist Jonathan Haidt provides the research behind what I thought I already knew: devices can be dangerous.
Our Story
It was late 2012 when our then-sixth-grade daughter convinced us she needed a phone. Her youth pastor communicated with the kids via texting, but she was left out. The incident was an early example of being unable to resist the phone-based world we now live in without condemning a child to social isolation.[1] We gave in, and down the rabbit hole we went. As parents, we knew she needed limits, but we felt alone in the fight and made it up as we went along. We made mistakes. Once, my completely low-key husband pounded her phone to bits with a meat mallet after finding her, yet again, texting in the middle of the night. In hindsight, that shocking moment is evidence of our sense of helplessness in the face of the device’s power over her. Later, we removed another phone for a season, which we deemed the ultimate punishment. After weeks of the silent treatment, our daughter confessed that what fueled her rage was not losing phone privileges per se but being logged out of Snapchat and, therefore, unable to keep up her “streaks,” which were the then-current measure of popularity. These small examples only illustrate the social pressure the device exerted on one daughter. If there were more time, space, and permission, I could write a novella about the impact of social media on our younger daughter’s mental health in 2020 and the work she has done to claw herself back to herself.
Haidt’s central claim is that two recent parenting trends have converged to cause Gen Z to become the anxious generation. First is “safetyism”, or overprotection in the real world. The second is that children are underprotected in the virtual world.[2] These combined factors have caused the “Great Rewiring,” which occurs due to replacing a play-based childhood with a phone-based childhood. Even though we have never subscribed to “safetyism” as a parenting style and did our best to protect from online harm, our girls were deeply affected in ways that still resonate even as they have become young women. How might the reality of Haidt’s claims impact the future of leadership within the anxious generation?
Being a Non-Anxious Presence
“Non-anxious” leaders manage their own emotional reactivity while remaining connected to anxious others.[3] A play-based childhood lays a foundation for this type of leadership in two specific ways. Attunement is a facet of play-based childhood describing one of the ways that human beings are wired to connect with one another. It can be seen in babies mimicking faces when just a few days old and continues throughout human development. Practicing being attuned to others is critical for social development and even “forms the foundations for later emotional self-regulation.”[4] Besides regulating their emotions, leaders must remain relationally attached to others. Unsupervised, or “free” play, helps children develop social skills needed for attachment. Teamwork and conflict resolution are skills that help people form long-term bonds and remain in “real” relationships over time. In contrast, online relationships allow one to opt out instantly when offended.
Leadersmithing
Eve Poole recommends adult learners attempting to grow in leadership practice “critical incidents,” which provide templates for reacting under stress, building teams, and resolving conflict.[5] People initially develop these skills in childhood. When children are prevented from exploring, taking risks, or experiencing fear, they lack opportunity to grow in competence. Haidt describes safetyism and phone-based childhood as “experience blockers” because they keep children from living life in the “real” world.[6] Thrust out into college life, these now adult-sized children live defensively rather than adventurously while clinging to safe spaces.[7]
Mindfulness – Being Present
Regardless of one’s faith or professed lack thereof, overusing devices and excessive interaction with media platforms decreases the opportunity to transcend the self. One becomes increasingly dependent on the Default Network.[8] Dr. David Rock labels this the narrative network and reminds us that it has an important role. The narrative network’s ability to strategize and plan are essential leadership skills.[9] However, equally important, especially for leading people by connecting with them relationally, is the direct experience network, which, when active, allows the leader to notice and process information happening now.[10] The inability to transcend the self (be mindful) is just one of many ways the phone-based life negatively impacts all people in the area of life commonly referred to as spirituality.[11]
Conclusion – The Way Forward
Among Haidt’s prescriptions to reclaim play-based childhood are specific guidelines to prohibit and limit screen time and social media access according to various ages. Parents and schools need to work together. Government and tech companies also have roles to play. Individual parents may only be able to exert influence in their own homes. Reflecting back, even though we felt like outliers fighting the phone stealing our daughters’ childhood, we accidentally did many right things. It stands out that we did not have television when they were small. Until they were school-age, they never watched TV without an adult and then only watched “educational” television.[12] Perhaps this long-ago “rule” set a template that limits are helpful and healthful. Today, they both recognize the life-stealing power of the device and struggle, like me, to keep limits in place. Seeing them with paper books in hand gives me hope for the future.
[1] Jonathan Haidt, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an. Epidemic of Mental Illness, (New York: Penguin Press, 2024), 23.
[2] Haidt, The Anxious Generation, 9.
[3] Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, (New York: Church Publishing, 2007), 35.
[4] Haidt, The Anxious Generation, 56.
[5] Eve Poole, Leadersmithing: Revealing the Trade Secrets of Leadership, (London: Bloomsbury, 2017), 13.
[6] Haidt, The Anxious Generation, 99.
[7] Haidt, The Anxious Generation, 92.
[8] Haidt, The Anxious Generation, 208.
[9] David Rock, Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long, (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 92.
[10] Ibid.
[11] Haidt, The Anxious Generation, 202.
[12] Haidt, The Anxious Generation, 271.
About the Author
Julie O'Hara
4 responses to “Preventing Leadership”
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Hi Julie, Thank you for sharing your experiences, including the brave journey of walking with your daughters through adolescence and the impact of smartphones. Many parents share similar stories, and your story can help others. I appreciate you questioning the impact of future leadership within the anxious generation. I also considered this, especially considering the anxious generation is “stuck” in defend mode. This made me think about Dweck’s fixed mindset and how damaging this can be from a leadership perspective. It seems your daughters have made it out of the “defend” mode and back to the “discover” mode. Besides reduced phone use, what can help young women remain in “discover” mode and reclaim their most authentic selves? Thanks again for this great post!
Julie,
Thanks for your personal story and also how you tied this into so many of our other books. Our kids hated having to borrow friends, teachers, or coach’s phones to let us know they were ready to be picked up. In hindsight my kids were thankful, and we have all lamented at one point or another of how we spend too much time on our phones. My daughter a couple years ago while in college accidentally drowned her cellphone. She intentionally went weeks before seeing about getting a new one. Overall, I think much of society has a love-hate relationship with their phones.
I see mental health issues every day in my students. I hope and pray that your daughter’s journey back to herself continues to be profitable one.
Julie,
See my post for a photo of devices smashed into pieces by a hammer:) Your husband was not alone. I actually think that the destruction of the device was helpful as it demonstrated that the pull to the device was over. There was no going back to it for a while. You bring up the streaks and I understand that as well. My Duolingo streak is currently 339 days longer than our classmate and fellow friend, Glyn. I work hard to make sure I keep that up and I don’t want to lose that streak. Something about the consistency and the compounding numbers that makes me keep going back. Honestly, every time I write a blog I go to see my name and the number increasing on the right side of this page. There is something about the increasing number that keeps me going and makes me feel good. We also don’t have a TV. We haven’t really had a TV since the 3rd year of our marriage. The times are rare for me to wish I had one.
This is a great post, Julie. It illustrates the pressure and struggle parents go through in knowing how to model, support, discipline, or get angry over the situation.
I, too, am a parent who confiscated devices, grounded from use, and lost my cool. Mea culpa.
I get pushback from young people who have found a way within the tech world to make it communal, interactive, and overcome self-absorption, to reclaim mental health in the tech-based world.
Do you think there’s a way to cultivate non-anxious presence in the digital world? Can people adapt in their online worlds to enable human connection?