Coaching Reflection
I’ve not been a good coach in the past. As a strong one on the enneagram, justice is my word, and doing things “correctly” is my high priority. So, it may be no surprise that I find it incredibly frustrating when someone asks for my advice and then doesn’t do what appears so obviously correct. My understanding of coaching used to be:
- You tell me of a trouble you are having.
- I will give you advice on how to solve the problem.
- You go implement my advice.
- You return to discuss how successfully the advice solved your problem.
- Repeat.
As it turns out, that is not coaching. That was ego on parade. Ego isn’t helpful in coaching, particularly in this cultural moment. Shouts of opinion reverberate throughout the Western world, and yelling compounds chaos and confusion about which direction to go. What is deeply needed is a calm, grounded in the Spirit, steady presence that can shed light and help us find direction. Unfortunately, that was not what I offered back then.
I remember sitting with a woman on week three, thinking, “This isn’t going to work. The correct path is clear, and I’ve offered some real pearls of wisdom to help her along this obvious path. Yet, she continues to ignore them and return to her old habits.” The truth is, I wasn’t a bad coach—I wasn’t a coach at all. I acted like a commander and saw her as a stubborn student. I was frantic about getting her behavior in line, and she was stressed during the process. We both ended up disappointed.
Instead, I should have taken notes from Barnabas. In Mining for Gold, Tom Camacho highlights Barnabas as the standard for coaching because “He cooperated with God, the great refiner, and the development of the leader, Paul.”[1] He was generous, compassionate, and kind. He invested time in a risky character because he saw what God could do. Rather than listing correction, Barnabas came alongside Paul to offer guidance and support. Camacho reiterates throughout the book that coaching leadership is Spirit-led. Rather than offering step-by-step instructions on what to do, coaches are thought partners.[2] This means that coaches listen well to both those they coach and to the Holy Spirit.
The downside of coaching is that it is a real investment of time and energy. It is a long haul, not a sprint, and giving of yourself for someone’s development isn’t easy. Yet, because God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things, coaches have a front-row seat to witness God’s hand move spectacularly in those otherwise deemed unqualified.[3] In many seasons, I have felt more like rough ore than gold. So, I am grateful that God sees beneath the surface and refines us over a lifetime.
Instead of focusing on behavior modification, my time would have been better spent on more critical issues like: “Their identity, their calling, their character, and their design.”[4] I can trust the Holy Spirit to work out the behaviors if they need to be addressed. Camacho says, “As we help them wrestle with heavier issues, the Holy Spirit matures them, bringing them into greater freedom, insight and momentum on their journey.”[5] Seasons change, and God works through change, so the question becomes: What does faithfulness to God look like in this season?
If I had replaced my rigid five-step pattern with Camacho’s four primary parts of coaching leadership—deep listening, asking great questions, cooperating with the Holy Spirit, and determining the right next steps—I would have served my friend much more effectively. I wonder if implementing his guidance would lead me to what he deems a “sweet spot”[6] in leadership. It almost seems too good to be true or like a privileged position. Is it possible this side of heaven? I hope so. It will take the hard work of learning and cooperating with my design. Once in that rhythm, I would imagine my leadership to be much less frustrating for me and those around me.
Reflecting on my coaching journey, I see how my ego and rigidity hindered growth in others and myself. By adopting Camacho’s Spirit-led approach and focusing on deeper issues, I hope to become a coach who helps others step into their sweet spot and experience God’s transformative work – to be that calm, grounded in the Spirit, steady presence in a world full of noise and chaos. I also look forward to finding a coach to help me along my journey.
[1] Camacho, Tom. Mining for God: Developing Kingdom Leaders Through Coaching. London: Inter-Varsity Press, 2019, p. 41.
[2] Camacho, 37.
[3] Camacho, 73.
[4] Camacho, 59.
[5] Camacho, 59.
[6] Camacho, 134.
About the Author
Mika Harry
15 responses to “Coaching Reflection”
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Mika,
Thank you for sharing that comparison and contrast with what was and what could have been. You touched slightly on the downside of coaching. As you processed this material, did any downsides or difficulties of BEING coached stand out to you?
Darren,
I don’t know that I’ve experienced any downsides to being coached. However, I think the difficulty or challenge lies in becoming self-aware enough to lean into the work. Reflection can be a frustrating practice if you aren’t self-aware.
Agreed, the mindset of self-awareness is key. That mindset seems to be a potential wall for someone who has identified the need for a coach but has had a frustrating experience because they lack the awareness. Outside of the Spirit’s active work, I am not sure how they break out of the circular cycle of benefiting from a coach but being frustrated by coaching.
Thanks for this, Mika. I empathise with you about the patience sometimes needed to support people desiring change where they are also in conflict about the change because of the hard work it requires. I have to keep my heart soft to the Holy Spirit and focus on my journey of being refined and tested to become more like Him! I so need to continue to develop patience, and the journey helps me remember my futility and vulnerability, which then helps me avoid judgement and instead come alongside another person in need of help and continual transformation- which is what we are all designed to do with each other!
I have recently got to witness and enjoy your commander style organisational skills! They are valuable too!
Besty,
Agree entirely with needing the help of the Holy Spirit to keep my heart soft. I tend to put up a bit of a wall to protect myself when with others. I need to follow Jesus’s example far more.
Mika, I also fully believe that everything would go better if people just listened to me. Your post (and Camacho’s book) are excellent reminders that all people have lives as vivid as mine.
Your post seems to question your sweet spot. What is your sweet spot? When do you feel like everything is clicking for you?
Robert,
Great question. It is not that I question my sweet spot as much as I question the privilege of spending 80% of my time there. As a single mother, my responsibility is to provide for my children. I am incredibly grateful for my job. However, it is nowhere near my sweet spot. I do believe that the Lord is in it, using it to provide. I just wonder how many others are in the same boat.
I, too, appreciated the illustration of Barnabas.
Your third paragraph really drew me in. How many times have I said the words in my head, “Why aren’t you getting this?!?” Few people are seeking a good commander.
My curiosity got the best of me. I asked Google, “Who is Mika Harry.” Evidently you are a singer-songwriter and executive business partner at Dropbox. Don’t believe everything you read. I think Robert has a more straightforward way of learning more about you!
Rich,
This is hilarious! If only both of those claims about me were true. Thankfully, I am an executive business partner at Dropbox. As I can’t carry a tune in a bucket, the singer-songwriter gig isn’t in my design.
I am trusting the Lord to soften my “commanding” into teaching so that I can be more effective in the kingdom.
Hi Mika, I think we’ve all been the coach who was focused on results and the coach who fumbled here and there. I’ve had many of those moments in my early times as a coach. The end result was important, but like you, I learned quickly it was a balanced approach of compassion, listening to the coachee, listening to the Holy Spirit, digging a lot and asking questions, and co-designing the next steps. How are you doing with the processing of the gold with others and digging with them? Thank you for sharing your journey. I learned a lot Mika.
Judith
Judith,
It has taken me a lot of time to discover the importance of the journey . . . the trials, the hurdles, and the surprises. I’m learning more and more about how our great redeemer uses these to shape us. I want to get quickly through them to the other side – to the outcome. And He wants to walk beside us in the transformation process. I’m so grateful.
Its not an easy task that we are called to as we are learning and healing in tandem. I really like your transparency and courage in sharing with us.
Mika, you had me laughing with your bullet point list of the “ideal” coaching session! “Why can’t you just do the sensible (my) thing?”
What habits, thoughts, skillsets and practices have you learned or are you learning that both make you a better coach and integrate with how you are wired?
Mika, I appreciate the candor in how you write on your past experiences of coaching others. It shows both humility and vulnerability, which I believe are essential traits to have for a coach and leader. You’ve come a long way. I like how you now focus on the deeper things and not just behaviors.
I resonant with your feelings of living in our sweet spot this side of heaven. It does feel too good to be true. We can be who we were made to be and inspire others to bear fruit as well. How freeing this is. It is hard for me believe all the striving, overworking and people pleasing isn’t meant to be the way we function.
Mika, I can understand your frustration when coaching someone who seeks help but doesn’t follow the advice given. I see you’ve expressed a desire to be like Barnabas, who cooperated with God and embodied compassion, kindness, and generosity. Please correct me if I’m mistaken, but while reading the first part, where you offered guidance through your five coaching steps, it seemed that although it might not have been the best approach, you were acting out of kindness, care, and compassion. The fact that you recognized the potential for improvement indicates that you were doing your best in the way you believed was most effective. Thank you for sharing!