What Might Happen if the Church Embraces Conflict as a New Normal?
“Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well. It is the certainty that something is worth doing no matter how it turns out.” – Vaclav Havel
At the start of every mediation, I ask the parties this question: “What is your highest hope?” It doesn’t matter if the conflict is between divorced parents, executive leaders or pastors and parishioners, each person expresses their highest hope even in the most destructive of circumstances. In researching this week’s author, Margaret Wheatley, whose writing voice sounded familiar as I heard echoes of Madeleine L’Engle[1] and Meyer and Land[2]–the quote above is from Wheatley’s website. Overall, her writings, poems and service leadership invite leaders to rethink their approaches to guiding organizations, suggesting that the future of leadership lies in embracing uncertainty, complexity and the natural, interconnected world of living systems. Wheatley’s books, Finding Our Way: Leadership for an Uncertain Time and Leadership and the New Science, both express her highest hopes for helping people find their way through ambiguity and chaos–I particularly appreciated her deeper emphasis on how leaders can support and guide others in times of crisis or transformation.[3]
Immediately my thoughts centered on the Church, pastors in particular, who are working diligently against the mechanistic and hierarchical models of leadership. From knowing my own pastors throughout my life and the pastors in our cohort, I witness servant women and men who embrace their churches as living systems, facilitating relationships, and working hard at nurturing self-organizing capabilities. I am wrestling with how a pastor of a church can do what Wheatley suggests in Leadership and the New Science by leaning heavily on the idea that leadership creates conditions where organizations can self-organize, adapt, and thrive,[4] especially in our current culture where interpersonal conflict is now the norm.
However, in Wheatley’s second book, Finding Our Way,[5] I found she focused more on the human and emotional aspects of leadership, placing a greater emphasis on the psychological and spiritual dimensions. Much like Annabel Bereel[6] and Simon Walker,[7] Wheatley suggests deep connection and shared purpose in the face of uncertainty and profound societal and organizational change.
For the remainder of my post, I want to explore a dynamic I am seeing in my work within organizations when collaborative, humane systems-oriented approaches to leadership are being born even in the midst of control-based leadership.
The question I am asking you, as my cohort, is how might the church find its way forward if its leaders are equipped to identify and transform interpersonal conflict?
I’ll share a story to illustrate what I am asking and why. I’ll attempt to synthesize a couple of Wheatley’s innovative and thought-provoking ideas on resolving conflict, grounded in systems-thinking.
A few weeks ago, I was mediating for an organization whose new CEO was being undermined by the former CEO who lives in close proximity to its employees. The former CEO of 42 years led from a hierarchical, control style posture creating conflict throughout the organization. When the new CEO realized the source of the dysfunctional teams he was leading, he tried to do what Michael Watkins, author of The First 90 Days suggested: “Transitioning leaders should . . figure out how things work. Can people talk openly about difficult issues without fear of retribution? Are they conflict-avoidant? Or even worse, push it to lower levels, where it can wreak havoc?”[8] To his dismay, the new CEO discovered the havoc.
By the time we met for the mediation between the New and Former CEOs, I had already mediated with four other teams, so I was acutely aware of the source of conflict:[9] verbal abuse ladened with blame from the former CEO. After each man expressed his highest hope for the mediation, the intense labor of life giving birth to itself with two powerful forces began:
- The need for the new CEO to be free to create his own leadership so that-
- The need for him and his employees to reach out for relationships with each other could be made new.[10]
As I witnessed the new CEO courageously face the man who was undermining his leadership, I observed how the process of mediation resolved conflict and as Wheatley writes, “supports those giving life to the new.”[11] The new CEO expressed what he needed (in humility) by specifically telling the former CEO to stop talking to his employees about work. Here’s where I see Wheatley’s thoughts emerge for me this week:
- Embracing Uncertainty and Complexity: Wheatley emphasizes that conflict often arises from the discomfort of uncertainty and the complexity of human systems. Rather than trying to control or eliminate conflict, she suggests embracing it as a natural and inevitable part of life. The new CEO’s mindset accepts complexity which positions him to navigate disagreements and understand their root causes. In contrast, several times throughout the mediation, the former CEO said, “When I tell someone to do something, I expect it to get done.”
- Relational Leadership: The author argues for a shift from hierarchical, top-down leadership models to a more relational, collaborative approach. In mediations, this means fostering open, honest and empathetic communication where all voices are heard. By the new CEO creating space for dialogue like this, he is now serving as a facilitator rather than the “authority”. Mutual understanding is now encouraged.
- Trust in the Process: One of Wheatley’s more radical ideas is that conflict resolution doesn’t always require an immediate solution.[12] She believes in the importance of trust in the process, allowing time for the natural unfolding of ideas and relationships. In an earlier mediation with the former CEO and the maintenance team, I watched an aggressive response almost take down two hours worth of hard work. The former CEO hijacked the last 15 minutes when after apologies and mistakes were expressed from both sides, he wielded his power over these employees by criticizing them. As I realized what he was doing, I firmly stopped him and wondered if all was lost. But then I saw the patience and faith on the faces of the maintenance team because this process led to deeper understanding. The conflict didn’t escalate because they were heard.
What are your thoughts? Differences of perspective? Is it even church leaders’ responsibility to identify and transform interpersonal conflict?
I recall Tammy Dunnahoo’s reference to Ephesians 4:14-15 in talking about Christian’s maturing– “until we all attain oneness in the faith and knowledge of the Son of God, to maturity, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ . . . let our lives lovingly express truth in all things–speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly.”
[1] L’Engle, Madeleine, and Nichole Nordeman. Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art. 1st edition. WaterBrook, 2001.
[2] Meyer, Jan, and Ray Land. : : Threshold Concepts and Troublesome Knowledge. London: Routledge, 2006.
[3] Wheatley, Margaret J., and Margaret J. Wheatley. Finding Our Way: Leadership for an Uncertain Time. 1st paperback ed. New York: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc, 2007. P. 242.
[4] CRM Productions, CRM Films, Mark Chodzko, Kirby Timmons, and Margaret J. Wheatley. “Margaret Wheatley’s Lessons from the New Workplace.” Carlsbad, CA: CRM Films, 1995.
[5] Wheatley, Margaret J., and Margaret J. Wheatley. Finding Our Way: Leadership for an Uncertain Time. 1st paperback ed. New York: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc, 2007.
[6] Beerel, Annabel. Rethinking Leadership: A Critique of Contemporary Theories. 1st ed. Milton: Taylor & Francis Group, 2021.
[7] Walker, Simon P. Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership. Piquant Editions, 2007.
[8] Watkins, Michael. The First 90 Days: Critical Success Strategies for New Leaders at All Levels. Boston, Mass: Harvard Business School Press, 2003. P. 32.
[9] My NPO uses this question developed from my research this summer: What’s My Status#1? What is the Conflict?
[10] Wheatley and Wheatley, Finding Our Way. P. 27.
[11] P. 166.
[12] P. 184.
About the Author
Pam Lau
Pamela Havey Lau brings more than 25 years of experience in speaking, teaching, writing and mediating. She has led a variety of groups, both small and large, in seminars, trainings, conferences and teachings. Pam’s passion is to see each person communicate with their most authentic voice with a transparent faith in Jesus Christ. With more than 10, 000 hours of writing, researching, and teaching the heart and soul of Pam’s calling comes from decades of walking alongside those who have experienced healing through pain and peace through conflict. As a professor and author, Pam deeply understands the role of mentoring and building bridges from one generation to another. She has developed a wisdom in how to connect leaders with their teams. Her skill in facilitating conversations extends across differences in families, businesses, schools, universities, and nonprofits. Pam specializes in simplifying complex issues and as a business owner, has helped numerous CEOs and leaders communicate effectively. She is the author of Soul Strength (Random House) and A Friend in Me (David C. Cook) and is a frequent contributor to online and print publications. You can hear Pam’s podcast on Real Life with Pamela Lau on itunes. Currently, Pam is a mediator for families, churches, and nonprofits. You can contact Pam through her website: PamelaLau.com. Brad and Pam live in Newberg, Oregon; they have three adult daughters and one son-in-law. One small, vocal dog, Cali lives in the family home where she tries to be the boss! As a family they enjoy worshiping God, tennis, good food and spending time with family and friends.7 responses to “What Might Happen if the Church Embraces Conflict as a New Normal?”
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I know I’m about to NOT answer the questions you asked us, but I am intrigued by the story you shared. And I am even more intrigued by the book you referenced — The First 90 Days by Michael Watkins. I’ve not read the book, but if the premise is “Transitioning leaders should . . figure out how things work,” then I feel like this should be a book in my library. In the past 10 years, I’ve transitioned two orgs. The second is still in process and there are some unknowns. I’d love to know what steps Watkins recommends that a transitioning leader should take, and I’m also curious about what the interplay between intuitive leadership steps and following a playbook might look like (and does he address this?).
Travis,
Michael Watkins writes about why transitions are critical in the first 90 days with interesting content:
Preparing Yourself
Accelerating Your Learning
Match Strategy to Situation
Negotiate Success
Secure Early Wins
Achieve Alignment
Build Your Team
Create Alliances
Manage Yourself
Accelerate Everyone
Actually, even though you didn’t answer my question, your mentioning of transitioning two orgs got me thinking that’s what I am doing in this particular consulting/mediation work. Often in the last few weeks, I feel like I am a mid-wife helping watching the birth of something new. And it makes me wonder how I can apply that to my project? The transition piece? Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving!
Travis, to answer your second question, I think chapter 2, “Accelerate Your Learning” speaks to actionable insight – which may be what you are looking for.
Have you read The Fifth Discipline: The Art and Practice of the Learning Organization by Peter Senge? He addresses integrating reason and intuition via personal mastery.
Pam,
You ask some excellent, complex questions that I will let smarter people than myself address. Personally, I’m struck by your observation of Wheatley’s reflections, “Rather than trying to control or eliminate conflict, she suggests embracing it as a natural and inevitable part of life.” As a champion conflict avoider, this thought makes me pretty uncomfortable and yet I’m pretty sure it’s the best path forward. What is one piece of wisdom you would share with those of us who run away from conflict?
Kim, you are the smartest person in the room! One piece of advice? If you cultivate the practice of humility through conflict, you will experience each other differently.
I was just working on my meeting for tomorrow. The organization is having interpersonal conflict. I thought you would find this piece pertinent to your question:
Interpersonal Conflict works against our values in the work we do and is destructive to relationships and our overall well-being.
If you ask: What’s My Status#1? What is the Conflict? Each letter of Status#1 stands for the type of conflict it might be. Just identifying the type calms us down.
Self
Team Dynamics
Alignment
Technical Expertise
Uninformed
Systems
#1 Cultural Communication
Hi, Pam,
You ask, “How might the church find its way forward if its leaders are equipped to identify and transform interpersonal conflict?” You use the word “transform” which brings a powerful dimension to the outcome of equipping leaders with tools in this area. Being willing to create spaces where conflict can not only be identified and navigated, but where true Godly transformation occurs would have a far-reaching impact in a world that thrives on division.
I Peter 3:8 comes to mind – “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.”
Thanks for a thought-provoking post!