A New Horror Movie Genre: Parenting in the Digital Age
When reading Jonathan Haidt’s The Anxious Generation[1], and his assessment of the impact of smart phones and social media on children, there were two parts of my personal story that influenced my perspective. First, I am a champion worrier. I do not use the word ‘champion’ lightly here. If there were awards given to those of us afflicted with this perverse ability, I am confident I would be in the winner’s circle. My family and friends who know me well will tell you that I can turn worry into an art form. When not reigned in, I can spin a tale of hypothetical fear and dread that can make your head spin. After sharing a concern with someone, they often will say with some incredulity: “I would never have even thought to worry about that.” Yep- if you are ever in need of a consultant to help you take a simple kid’s story and creatively weave it into a horror film, I am your girl.
I say this in humor, but seriously, worry is a thing with me that I must continually hand over to God. And I do, which is how I survive the second part of my context. I am also the mother of two beloved teenage boys who are beginning to be more adult than children. As they are taking over the reins of “guarding their hearts,” (Proverbs 4:23) I spend a lot of time thinking about their experience and the things they have to guard against. With every milestone (starting school, riding bikes, dating, driving cars, moving out), I have watched the weight of responsibility shifting to them as we take the training wheels off each domain of their lives and cheer them on to find their own balancing point. Much of the time, as we move forward, it seems our job as their parents is to strategically remove the safety nets we had previously installed.
Naturally, then, as I peruse Haidt’s book and his assessment of the state of childhood, I hear the ominous music queue. If there ever was a tricky situation to navigate as a parent, it is in the digital realm. Haidt graduated from Yale (translation: super smart) and has written a number of other books that have been shaping conversations in this country. As a social psychologist and a commenter on societal trends, he seems to again have hit a nerve with the American people with this current work. You see the fingerprints of his ideas in proposals for several reforms emerging over this last summer including the Surgeon General calling for warning labels on social media[2] and the call for phones to be banned in several school districts across the nation[3]. Frequently, in articles about such matters, he is referenced as a thought leader. People are paying attention to what he is saying which indicates he is speaking into an underlying societal concern.
It is safe to say that we have known that the fixation on technology in our nation has become its own horror story of sorts. Maybe it started with the first time you saw someone placate a misbehaving child by sticking a cell phone in their face or perhaps the first time you were distracted from someone you care about by a social media app. Nine years ago Simon Sinek, observed the addictive properties of cell phones and the negative impacts he was observing on relationships.[4] And then, others like Gloria Mark[5] have discovered concerning trends in the decreasing attention spans of adults Not surprisingly, she asserts that our inability to focus on anything longer than it takes to microwave a frozen dinner is impacting our ability to actually get anything done. So, taken in concert, this dependency on tech is a new horror story of our collectively growing more anxious, lonely AND inefficient!
At the same time, we must also double down on preparing our kids on how to live in the new reality that is so different from the childhoods we had. We cannot put tech back in the box and the real horror story would be to protect our kids so much that they are not prepared when we take the training wheels off. Additionally, I have heard Haidt bemoan the loss of freedom for our children citing that kids need to have the confidence building experiences of acting independently. [6] This makes me question how much we also need to teach our kids to act responsibly and independently with their devices and social media. As with so many things, the pendulum swings and we need to recalculate to find balance.[7]
What Haidt illuminates is important, and we should take it seriously. Certainly, his call for collective action to respond to a collective need is welcome in the midst of increased collective cynicism in society.[8] Rather than argue with his points, I would suggest that we also must collectively learn how to equip our kids to healthily live with the technology of their futures.
________________________________________________________________________
[1] Jonathan Haidt, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (New York: Penguin Press, 2024).
[2] Ellen Barry and Cecilia Kang, “Surgeon General Calls for Warning Labels on Social Media Platforms,” The New York Times, June 17, 2024, sec. Health, https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/17/health/surgeon-general-social-media-warning-label.html.
[3] Shawn Hubler and Troy Closson, “California Schools Must Restrict Phones Under New Law Signed by Newsom,” The New York Times, September 23, 2024, sec. U.S., https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/23/us/california-school-cellphone-ban.html.
[4] Simon Sinek Q & A: How Do Cell Phones Impact Our Relationships, 2015, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0xYCy2eft8.
[5] Gloria Mark, Attention Span: A Groundbreaking Way to Restore Balance, Happiness and Productivity, Original edition (Hanover Square Press, 2023).
[6] Haidt’s fourth reform asks us to create space for less supervision. He talks about encouraging parents to provide 6-13 year olds with experiences uncoupled from their parents. Haidt, The Anxious Generation, 273.
[7] For a lighthearted tale (or another parental horror story) on kids exercising their independence from their parents, you might like to take a Quick Look at the story of this little 8 year-old girl who drove herself to Target while her mom was fast-asleep at home. She definitely is living into Haidt’s suggestion of “letting your kids out of your sight without them having a way to reach you.” (She at least took her dog with her.) Gina Cherelus, “Her 8-Year-Old Drove Herself to Target and Became an Internet Star,” The New York Times, October 4, 2024, sec. Style, https://www.nytimes.com/2024/10/04/style/target-girl-mom-interview.html.
[8] “The Inside Is Bigger Than the Outside,” accessed October 10, 2024, https://blogs.georgefox.edu/dlgp/the-inside-is-bigger-than-the-outside/.
About the Author
Jennifer Vernam
11 responses to “A New Horror Movie Genre: Parenting in the Digital Age”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you for another thought provoking post. I don’t know if it’s that I’ve been sitting at my computer for too long, have read several posts this morning, or I’m feeling convicted, but as I read your post I had this strange urge to go outside and play, swing on a swing or something! Maybe we adults need to get back to play too. There is a balance between being responsible, efficient, playful, and independent. Do our kids see us play enough? Are they observing a balanced life in us? I think I am feeling a bit convicted. In a good way:)
Jenny, The idea of what we are modeling for our kids is a sobering one. As a remote worker, I sometimes shudder when I think about the cumulated time I spend sitting in front of a screen for work or for leisure- and our kids see it all.
The “collective” part of the solution (I think you also mentioned something about that in your response to my blogpost, which I will turn to after I write my response here) is what intrigues me. How to promote/advocate for or enforce something collectively in our individualistic culture is challenging. With that statement, I find myself asking…WHICH collective? Which group? How organized / orchestrated does that collective action need to be (or can it be)? I also wonder how collective vs. individual approaches would play out in the Pacific NW vs. the Southeast. Portland vs. Atlanta. I could go on. So many questions.
I am with you, Travis. To take this a bit further, I hear sentiments in different circles that reflect an attitude that the Church should be in the middle of collective action. And, I don’t disagree. However, I heard David French speak this week challenging Christians who are trying to isolate their work to only include fellow believers… It was a good nudge for me to think about how we can be inclusive in our “collective-ness.”
A really well-written and well-thought out post. There’s lots I could comment on, but I’ll highlight your idea that “the real horror story would be to protect our kids so much that they are not prepared when we take the training wheels off.” I am a big believer in acting like coaches for our kids, letting them try and coaching them through when they fall down and need to get back up again, and that includes in the world of social media. I, also being a natural worrier, have to fight my urge to simply shield my kids from all that could harm them. But I know they need to grow into managing their own selves, and that often means being exposed to (in appropriate degrees) the ugly and the difficult while I’m still around to coach them through it.
Kim, I believe this would be an even more challenging approach to take when you are parenting in a foreign culture where the norms and unspoken rules are not always clear. What are some tricks you have learned over the years?
Jen,
I might have you beat in the worry department! I am wondering if you know your Enneagram number. I am a solid Enneagram 6.
You write, “At the same time, we must also double down on preparing our kids on how to live in the new reality that is so different from the childhoods we had. We cannot put tech back in the box and the real horror story would be to protect our kids so much that they are not prepared when we take the training wheels off.” YESSSSS! Thank you for saying this.
This is what my husband has always told me. He is NOT a worrier. At. All. And, he has repeated this to me over and over again whenever I would suggest we put more restrictions on our kids’ technology (knowing full-well I would not have the energy to actually follow through on dealing with the restrictions and the conflict that would ensue.)
I am curious if you’ve found your kids to be able to better balance technology and other life because you’ve adopted this stance.
Thanks for your comments. I am not sure I should say this out loud, but I can’t remember my enneagram… was it a 7, or an 8? I know I should know it, but there are too many other things to remember- like all the things I need to worry about for my kids!
By the way, I think that our husbands might enjoy comparing notes about our patterns of worry.
To your question: I would say that there are times when I am pleased to see my kids making good tech choices, and others where I think they have lost perspective- I guess that probably mirrors my own experience, if I am honest. With the one who is still sort of subject to my “mothering” I will ask questions like: “how long would you like me to set the timer for to remind you to get off that game and do your homework,” and typically, that seems to help. If I was to look back and evaluate, I would say that I am happy with the pattern of dialogue that has helped us set up. So, not necessarily that we are always skating a clean program, but they know they own their choices, and that we can talk about it.
Jen, You concluded your post with the following:
“Rather than argue with his points, I would suggest that we also must collectively learn how to equip our kids to healthily live with the technology of their futures.”
So if you could look into the future, what would you say to parents raising children now that you are almost there! Name three words of wisdom or warning. Good research!
How about: “Keep dialogue open?”
Jen and Pam,
I will jump in on this conversation and wholeheartedly agree. “Keep dialogue open.” You can limit screens, have your kids play, play, play, (which is all so very needed) but could parental absence, especially when it is within close proximity, be just as damaging? I’m glad Haidt addresses this as well.
By the way, Jen – it seems to me that you are truly parenting well if your boys desire to talk to you and enjoy being with you.