The voice of one crying in the wilderness
The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness by Jonathan Haidt is an extremely hard book for me to read.
I say “is” because I’m still in the middle of it (actually, towards the beginning of it).
I can only take small sections at a time.
It’s not because it’s too dense or difficult. I find both the style and the research compelling, and it would usually be the kind of book that I couldn’t put down before finishing.
The problem is I have kids who my wife and I raised in the late 2010’s and early 2020’s. And while we thought we were doing a decent job of delaying giving them smartphones until high school (all three of them were literally the LAST kids in their classes to have these devices), as I’m reading this book I keep thinking “my God, what have we done?”
And even as I’m trying to write this blog, I have to keep stopping, to weep. (I apologize for maybe being too vulnerable, but this blog is very personal).
You see, we have three great kids. Intelligent, creative, quirky, respectful. They have always been able to hold their own in a conversation with adults. They can all confidently travel anywhere, alone.
The two older ones have a wicked-smart grasp of how narrative works: novels, tv, film—any of it. I would wager that they could critically analyze a story as well or better than anyone in this doctoral cohort. And they’re only 21 and 23.
You are likely to see both their names early on the credit roll of a movie you’re watching in the next decade (and no, that’s not just “dad” talking).
While the 17-year-old doesn’t share her brother’s refined taste in media (she loves Hallmark channel movies!) she is highly social, in love with Jesus, and a true emerging leader. Anyone who has seen her speaking or leading tells her mom and me “she’s special.”
If it sounds like I’m bragging, to be honest, I am, a little. But that’s not the point.
The point is, all three of my kids struggle with mental health issues that are occasionally debilitating, and sometimes disastrous. I won’t be more specific because this is an open blog and though their journeys may be public, not all the details have been.
Over the last few years my wife and I have asked over and over what we missed that we could have done differently, or better, or what we could have stopped doing to help our kids. There are as many answers as there are questions. I firmly believe that there is not only a single answer to a problem as complex as mental health—so there are a lot of coulda/shoulda/woulda’s in our lives right now.
But the one cause that we hadn’t considered deeply enough was their exposure to technology.
Sure, I’ve been exposed to the idea that social media isn’t helpful for a teenagers (or my) mental health. I’ve wrestled with how often I scroll on Instagram or X. I’ve read a book about How to Break Up with Your iPhone[1], and I’ve watched and made my family watch The Social Dilemma on Netflix. I’ve read what authors like Gene Twengy have suggested about how harmful technology might be for kids.[2]
It’s not like I haven’t heard about the problem.
But even with all the earlier information I came across about the dangers of technology, this book just hit different for me.
While the other things I’ve read gave me glimpses of the challenge, The Anxious Generation is a wake-up call for me. And though I can encourage others with it, use it in my NPO project and look to help shape my kid’s patterns even now as young adults, in so many ways it’s too late.
Damage has been done. And I not only allowed it but invited it to happen.
My one solace can be found in the old wise query: “When is the best time to plant a tree?” The answer is 20 years ago. The follow up question is, “When is the second best time to plant a tree?” The answer is, today.
This book is already being received well. Leaders, educators and the culture at large are recognizing the need for accountability and change in this area. Our choices are metaphorically and literally killing a rising generation. Will we pay attention?
Will it be our “smoking kills you” moment where culture decided to stop believing the tobacco company lies that cigarettes were fine? Or will Haidt be just one more voice crying in the wilderness who we listen to, momentarily, and then collectively bury our faces back in our smartphones while our kids are being destroyed?
Only time will tell.
[1] Cathrine Price. How To Break Up With Your iPhone. New York, Penguin Random House, 2018.
[2] https://psychology.sdsu.edu/social-media-and-kids-mental-health-jean-twenge/
About the Author
Tim Clark
I'm on a lifelong journey of discovering the person God has created me to be and aligning that with the purpose God has created me for. I've been pressing hard after Jesus for 40 years, and I currently serve Him as the lead pastor of vision and voice at The Church On The Way in Los Angeles. I live with my wife and 3 kids in Burbank California.20 responses to “The voice of one crying in the wilderness”
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Thank you for sharing this deeply personal and moving reflection. The vulnerability you expressed really hit home, especially as you grapple with the impact of technology on your kids. Your love and pride for your children shines through, and your openness about the challenges you’ve faced will resonate with so many parents in similar situations. This post is a powerful reminder that even though we can’t change the past, we can take steps today to foster a healthier future.
Thanks man, it was a hard one to write, and a hard one to live with. But I do know there is hope!
Hi Tim,
Prayers for you, your wife and kids.
Sigh…My children too, are of this age.
Thanks for diving deeper and being vulnerable.
My three children are of this generation and I have to say, that I may have failed in so many ways in setting up guard rails at the start.
We did LEARN about parental controls, but perhaps too late!
Still sports and play were a big part of my kids lives so perhaps not all is lost.
Sigh…what is a daddy to do.
PRAY HARD.
Shalom
Though I’ve been ‘doing’ ministry for 35 years I’ve never prayed so hard. Thanks for the encouragement.
Hi Tim,
Thank you for your vulnerable post and I weep with you. It’s is tough to be human, tough to grow up in this world, and tough to parent! I have my fair share of regrets and laments. Though my kids were shielded from the more negative effects of social media (but not completely) being older and raised in third world countries, we all had to deal mental health issues, in particular anxiety, depression, and some PTSD. It wasn’t all technology, some of it is just being human. There are reasons that 5 out of the 7 of us have multiple degrees psychology and counseling as well as careers in mental health. Attending to our own healing, and the integration of faith and mental health counseling, has been huge for us. I’m grateful that God weaves it all into a beautiful story and purposeful work. I think the church needs a reframe around counseling and mental health. I’m starting to see a more healthy perspective on counseling among Christians, which is very positive and new. Our stories and struggles matter!
We are standing on the firm hope right now that God does indeed weaves it all into a beautiful story and purposeful work. Thanks for the reminder that the root of the problem isn’t all social media or our misapplication of it, but are common to humans everywhere.
Tim,
Not much critical thinking in this reply, just an encouragement that it is definitely not too late. The best we can all do as more and more information like Haidt’s research comes out is to keep having these conversations. And that includes with our kids, I think. Prayers for you and your family.
I receive the prayers, and the promise that it is never too late. We are standing on that one in these days!
Well buddy. I’ll keep this brief, because you and I have wept over this for some time now. And, I’m in a coffee shop reading your post, and my eyes are wet and my heart is hurting, again, for you and Deborah and the kids.
I speak the name of Jesus over you and yours.
I recieve that. I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same again after the last few years, but it’s great to have friends who will stick through it, regardless. Thanks.
Oh Tim, I see you. I don’t think there is a lot to say, as John saw the same pain and vulnerability in our posts. I’ve struggled writing the last 2 posts because I had too much to say and couldn’t sum it up correctly. I feel challenged because my son with Autism connect through the world through media and technology! It saved him in my opinion, but he also has kept the innocence. I do worry a lot about how we set up screens with our younger 2 as it was so hard to give them a different set of rules, so we didn’t always win that. My youngest son at the end of 6th grade was one of the last for a smart phone. I at least can control screen time, what he watches and where he is. I’m not sure how that helps him be free and a wee bit feral as the book suggests, but it has helped my anxiety. Tim, this is HARD! So all I can say again is I SEE YOU and your wife and the struggle it is!
I’ve had the same challenge of lots to say and not knowing how to say it (which is different for me).
I think media and technology is a gift from God, please feel free to embrace that. Yes the enemy can and has used it for evil, but that is true with everything. Good exissts in there too.
Intentionality is huge and you have it. I’d loved to have had some of this knowledge and these tools before my kids hit adulthood and were out of the house. I think there are some ‘just in time’ things you are catching right now even if you don’t get it all exactly right (and who does?).
Bottom line: This IS hard. You won’t get it perfect. There will be days of deep sadness. But even then, I have learned that God uses our motivation and intentionality even when our actions missed the mark.
Thanks for ‘seeing me’, it’s a gift that I want to reciprocate.
Thank you for the vulnerability Tim, my wife and I are right smack in the middle of this journey with our kids. This is so helpful to know as we keep having conversations in our house about how much or how little our kids should use screens and social media. Despite the struggles, your kids sound like amazing human beings. Thanks so much for sharing a part of your parenting journey.
Adam, that’s my prayer, that any parents on an earlier part of this journey can/will be able to do better in this area now that we all know more.
My kids are amazing humans and flawed like the rest of us. I’ve not given up hope, just working in the brokenness to invite the light of Jesus. Thanks for the encouragement.
Tim,
Thank you for sharing!! I am hopeful that as we lovingly share our reflections (as parents of our kids, now adults) about the effects of social media and mental illness (evident from our kids’ stories), with new parents, it will encourage a next generation of parents to make informed decisions about social media usage and screen time with their little ones.
RIGHT Cathy??? I’m super hopeful that whatever misatkes we made we can help younger parents avoid. That gives me hope. (and I’m not without hope for my kids, Jesus will work in their brokenness as He does in all of ours).
AMEN TO THAT!!! I’m SOOOO grateful that He finishes what he starts!!!
Yes, Cathy! He finishes what he starts. Praise God!
Tim,
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and difficult story. I wept as I read it…I could feel your struggle and your pain.
This sentence really got me, “Damage has been done. And I not only allowed it but invited it to happen.” I cried but thankfully I kept reading. You followed with what I thought was a genius pivot. You wrote, ” My one solace can be found in the old wise query: “When is the best time to plant a tree?” The answer is 20 years ago. The follow up question is, “When is the second best time to plant a tree?” The answer is, today.” It reminds me of what my Daddy would say, “When we know better, we do better.”
When can only do better when we have more information and tools at our disposal. So today…we do!
Sending love, prayers and big hug your way, my friend.
Jonita, Thanks for the encouragement. I really do beleive that it’s not too late. Even though my kids are adults and I can’t dictate their screen time habits, we can have rational and critical conversations that invite them to see how our patterns may be impacting us negatively.
I love that “when we know better, we do better” I’m stealing that!!