Le Petit Voleur
My phone kept ringing and ringing. Multiple calls from multiple unknown numbers kept showing up on my “missed calls” screen. I turned my phone on silent and was only answering calls from known friends. Friday night. All day Saturday. On Sunday one of the callers left a voicemail message, then another one, and still another found me on WhatsApp and sent me a message—finally, clarity to these random calls. “Bonjour Madame. C’est le père du petit voleur que vous êtes mis en fer.”[1] It was the father of the robber who broke into our house a couple of days prior. The other numbers were from random family members of the thief also trying to get ahold of me. The family was asking me to ask the police to drop all charges filed against him. The reasons given were because he was young, the mother was very attached to him, and because he was caught before he stole anything of value. In the message there was regret for “what happened to [me]” but no responsibility was put on the thief for his actions. The reason given that he was in jail was because I “put him there,” rather than him choosing to break into my house and therefore was caught by the police. As the legal proceedings continued, I learned this was not the robber’s first offense and he was known for using drugs. At the advice of legal counsel, the US Embassy, and the police, I released the legal proceedings to the justice system. I asked that they consider the safety of the neighborhood and the young man’s need for help. The robbery was hard. Our privacy was invaded. Our property was damaged. Our emotional and physical safety was threatened. And God protected us and provided the resources we needed for the restoration and rehabilitation of our home and our well-being. For me, the biggest challenges were the calls, messages, and face-to-face confrontations we had with his family. The main issue was the responsibility of the robber was being deflected by the robber and the family.
In his book, Clear Thinking: Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results, Shane Parrish speaks to the need for personal responsibility. The book looks at ways to enhance one’s critical thinking and decision-making. He provides practical methods and frameworks to thrive in an unpredictable world. In section two of the book Parrish addresses four areas of “strength” to work on to help improve one’s capacity to make decisions from a place of clarity rather than out personal defaults. He addresses four strengths:
- Self-accountability: holding yourself accountable for developing your abilities, managing your inabilities, and using reason to govern your actions.
- Self-knowledge: knowing your own strengths and weaknesses—what you’re capable of doing and what you’re not.
- Self-control: mastering your fears, desires, and emotions.
- Self-confidence: trusting in your abilities and your value to others.[2]
I was particularly intrigued by the section on self-accountability, as the robbery had happened only a few days prior. Neither the robber nor his family took responsibility for his actions. According to Parrish, they were responding with their “ego default.” This default is an immediate response to guard, protect, and endorse one’s reputation and image.[3] On a personal note, I majorly struggle with taking personal responsibility for my actions, especially in moments when my emotions are strong. My default is to blame and deflect what I should be responsible for myself.
Parrish provides several logical points in this section that I want to remember and apply to my own life and leadership. The following are some of those takeaways.
- A lack of self-accountability can inhibit personal growth and forward movement.[4]
- Those who do not take personal responsibility cannot be leaders, rather they are followers.[5]
- Exhibiting self-accountability shows that you recognize your agency over your responses.[6]
Freidman also speaks to the need for personal responsibility in leaders as well as being open and vulnerable:
One of the major limitations of imagination’s fruits is the fear of standing out. It is more than a fear of criticism. It is anxiety at being alone, of being in a position where one can rely little on others, a position that puts one’s own resources to the test, a position where one will have to take total responsibility for one’s own response to the environment. Leaders must not only not be afraid of that position; they must come to love it. [7]
I do not want to be someone whose default is quick to blame others. I want to be humble and willing to own my part. This is a strength I will continue to develop, perhaps for the rest of my lifetime. The effort will be challenging, but the reward will be great. As Parrish so eloquently states, “The path to being exceptional begins when you decide to be responsible for your actions no matter the situation.”[8] I want to be exceptional. Do you?
__________________________
[1] Translation: Ma’am, this is the father of the young theif you put in jail.”
[2] Shane Parrish, Clear Thinking: Turning Ordinary Moments in Extraordinary Results, Kindle Ed. (New York, NY: Penguin Random House LLC, 2023).
[3] Ibid, 16.
[4] Ibid, 43.
[5] Ibid, 44.
[6] Ibid, 55.
[7] Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, (New York: Church Publishing, 2017), 258.
[8] Parrish, Clear Thinking, 49.
About the Author
Kari
Kari is a passionate follower of Jesus. Her journey with Him currently has her living in the Sahara in North Africa. With over a decade of experience as a family nurse practitioner and living cross-culturally, she enjoys being a champion for others. She combines her cross-cultural experience, her health care profession, and her skills in coaching to encourage holistic health and growth. She desires to see each person she encounters walk in fullness of joy, fulfilling their God-designed purpose. “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12 ESV16 responses to “Le Petit Voleur”
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Hi Kari,
Thank you for your vulnerable sharing around how this difficult situation is effecting you, and I admire the way that you are seeking to learn from it, stay engaged with the challenges of it and grow through it as a person and as a leader.
May I ask, is someone not taking self-responsibility, like this young man who broke into your home, common in the culture you are currently living and serving in? How can we create cultures of self-responsibility, in your opinion?
Thank you, Ryan, for your kind words. Yes, you are absolutely correct. The culture is an honor/shame structure and it is very unusual to find people taking self-responsibility. I have seen micro-cultures change when the leaders start by being vulnerable and taking personal responsibility. It is a slow process, but encouraging people to own their part can bring change. I saw this transformation in the clinic staff where I was the director.
Kari,
Thanks for filling in the story a bit more. I imagine it would be very difficult to navigate the relationships in the community with your personal safety. It seems like being a non-anxious presence would be important. Do you think this ties into some of Friedman’s work about being well differentiated?
Adam, Absolutely Friedman ties into the situation! Being a non-anxious presence is vital as there are plenty of anxious presences around us, including the authorities who are to protect.
Hi friend, I am really glad you used this blog/book opportunity to share a bit of your testimony. I appreciate your desire for Biblical justice (accountability + restoration). I’m assuming he isn’t Christian, but your desire to encourage addiction or mental health help for him was good. I have that you experienced this.
I’m curious, how did you assess you own balance in thinking? With his family seeking forgiveness, I can tell you were frustrated by the lack of responsibility being taken on his/their part. If you had a chance to talk with this young man, how would you demonstrate Christian love? (I realize yours was a deeply emotional and scary experience, all the more reason for my question).
Jennifer,
Thanks for your kind words. I actually did try to speak to the guy face-to-face, but the police would not let me outside of the initial confrontation at the arrest. I wanted to first ask him his side of the story, tell him I forgave him and did not hold resentment to him, and then I wanted to share with him the hope of Christ that does not come from material positions or bad choices. My prayer through this is that he and his family would be discontent with their situation and religion and seek Truth.
Kari,
Oof. I don’t envy any of what you went through. In fact, I’m sorry you went through all of this.
I love your posture. “I do not want to be someone whose default is quick to blame others. I want to be humble and willing to own my part. This is a strength I will continue to develop, perhaps for the rest of my lifetime.” This is beautiful and inspiring, Kari.
In the case of the four points you noted from Parrish, if you were to come face-to-face with the young boy and his family again, what you hope they would say that might cover those four points? What would make it right for you?
Hi Nancy, Thanks for your kindness. I am not sure if anything can “make right” a violation of property, security, and privacy like this. However, I think a simple acknowledgment of the wrong and an apology for those actions would have greatly minimized the anxiety and trauma that their lack of responsibility brought.
Hi Kari,
Honestly, I felt angst reading your story about the robber’s family. While you totally did the right thing for him, my heart breaks that his family isn’t practicing some tough love to help him out in the long run.
This was a great example of what you learned in the book. Now that you can reflect on your decisions at the time, would you do anything differently? Do you wish you could have (safely) talked with the family about their stance? Do you think you would have done anything differently if you had read Clear Thinking first? Sorry for all the questions 🙂
Thank you for your questions, Chris. I believe other readings and support from Elysse and others helped me respond in the best way I was able to in that situation. We had a chance to talk to hear the family’s side in the justice office with the procurator present. Unfortunately, they still continued to shift blame, so even though it was a safe(r) environment, it was not a safe, understanding conversation.
Kari, this has been such a challenging situation. I have appreciated how you have handled yourself with integrity and with grace. Thanks also for your writing this semester. It has been inspriring, encouraging and informative to read your work that expresses your journey. No question this week, just thanks.
Thank you for your kind words, Graham!
Kari, we are so glad you are safe. We continue to pray for you.
How can the principles of self-accountability in Parrish’s book help individuals resist the tendency to deflect responsibility, similar to the situation you described, and instead foster a culture of personal responsibility and clear thinking in challenging circumstances?
Thanks for your prayers, Glyn. I think it starts first with recognizing the need for self-accountability, then practicing it.
Kari, as always, thank you for your vulnerability and openness. I, too, am terribly sorry you had to go through / are going through this all. You did a wonderful job tying the experience to your challenge of accepting responsibility when emotions are high and naming a personal commitment to growth. We all know why accepting responsibility is hard, so what would ideal support and accountability on this look like for you?
Thank you, Akwèse, for your support during this time! That’s a great question. For me personally, having good friends who are willing to call me out on the times when I am not taking appropriate responsibility covers both aspects!