Pass the Salt, and Hide the Knives.
In 1972, I was the 13-year-old son of two very conservative, far-right republican Catholic parents. It was what I knew. They had a very solid stance on politics and religion. It was tradition for me, my older brother, Mom, and Dad to share dinner and conversation every night.
Also, in 1972, Richard Nixon was running against McGovern, who was pushing an anti-war ticket, as the war in Vietnam was still being fought.
My brother and I were as different as night and in the day. I was the short-haired, good kid who did everything I could to please my parents. My brother, on the other hand, was a long-haired, dope-smoking, hippie wannabe in the making who loved McGovern and what he represented.
Every dinner during that election year seemed to end up in a shouting match. I hated every minute of it. I am sure it is one of the reasons I don’t fight today. I will stew on things for a week or two and return to it when things are calm.
So, all this being said, when I saw the second chapter of “Stop Fighting and Start Arguing,” I knew it was where I needed to base this post. (Besides that, I couldn’t find any common ground here for my NPO!) I don’t recall religion being any part of the political arguments. It came up with other arguments, but that is a different post.
One thing I remember is that my parents were very staunch in their beliefs. Petrusek speaks of “falsifiability”- “Falsifiability, in the scientific method, means being able to imagine an outcome in which your hypothesis could turn out to be false” [1]. I know their points of view were not scientific, but there is something to glean from Petrusek’s thinking.
The idea of something they believed might be false wasn’t going to happen with my folks. I think being a product of World War II and then listening to all of the talk and worrying about communism skewed their thinking. Bottom line—I think they were simply afraid. They supported the war to defeat communism. They were scared to death of Russia and what it represented. They were NOT going to back down from their beliefs – no matter what. My brother would ask the “what if you are wrong” questions in his own ways, but there was no middle ground to be found.
My parents were more in line with the voluntarism philosophy. Petrusek states, “Voluntarism is “the trumping of the intellect by the will” and the view that “things are true because I want them to be true.” [2] There was no reasoning with them – they believed what they wanted to believe and closed their ears to any other thought. I smiled when I read that “voluntarism does not even feign rationality” [3] because that is how it felt, even to a young 13-year-old kid.
I am using this story for a reason. There are many similarities to what is going on at today’s diner tables. Petrusek states: “Voluntarism is completely incoherent; to assert that there is no universal truth beyond an individual’s definition of truth is to embrace a universal truth.” [5] Without speaking of sides, there is a pandemic of its own in people’s definitions of political truths. The one difference between my hippie brother and McCarthy-loving parents was that, yes, there were a LOT of loud arguments and fighting, and there was never an inch of ground given in either direction. No better understanding of either side was made. BUT, it was still family. At the end of the day, they all loved each other, and they learned to live with the elephant in the room.
My heart grieves at what is going on in our society today. Baron writes: “We don’t have to agree on everything, but we do have to agree on something, and merely “agreeing to disagree” won’t cut it when it comes to the constitutive laws and values of a society.”[6] Sadly I don’t see even this happening. No matter what side, there is nothing to agree upon. Family members no longer speak because of the divide; relationships are broken, and the future does not look hopeful, no matter your side. There is no toleration.
Come quickly, Lord Jesus.
[1] Matthew Petrusek. “Evangelization and Ideology: How to Understand and Respond to the Political Culture.” (Word on Fire Institute: Park Ridge IL) 29
[2] Petrusek, 32.
[3] Petrusek, 32.
[4] Petrusek, 32.
[5] Petrusek, 32.
[6] Petrusek, 34.
About the Author
Chris Blackman
14 responses to “Pass the Salt, and Hide the Knives.”
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Chris, thanks for sharing this personal experience. I’m glad it helps you understand yourself now, that you avoid arguing because your past experiences were so uncomfortable, even frightening at times.
I wonder how you might handle such confrontations between your loved ones today (whoever they may be in this decade)? Would you say anything or just go into the next room?
Thanks, Debbie. When it comes to personal issues, I tend not to talk about things until I think them through. I am certainly not reactionary. But now, when it comes to politics or religion, I will state my piece and stand my ground (although I do listen to others’ points of view). If we could all have dinner again in today’s political climate, I might just shy away because minds are made up, and there is no changing them, unfortunately. Thanks for your reply!
Hey Chris! I enjoyed reading your post. I echo your sentiments on a heart that is grieved. We seem to be departing backward when life is certainly in a forward motion. You mentioned, “Voluntarism is completely incoherent; to assert that there is no universal truth beyond an individual’s definition of truth is to embrace a universal truth.” Looking at this, how can we get to better outcomes?
Thanks Daren. To be honest, I don’t know the answer to your question. Part of me wonders if its too late. It will take decades for the political divide to heal if it can be done at all. There has been too much poison poured into the stream. I would like to say, just listen to each other, but conspiracies and lies have made it to where it is even hard to do that. If you have some ideas, I am open to hearing them!
Hi Chris, Thank you for your post and your story. You brought forward part of the book I didn’t really get into. Given what you read this week in Petrusek, how does it help you answer someone who says they can’t believe in God because God can’t be proven by science?
Thanks Julie,
I do have a friend like that and sometimes there is just no human words that can change their heart, and I just have to pray that the Holy Spirit will continue to wooo him. I have to stand in Romans 1:20, For since the creation of the world, God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.
God shows herself through nature. Maybe one day my friend will realize that. Thanks for your reply 🙂
Thank you, Chris, for your post.
In general, how can we navigate deep-seated beliefs and political divisions within families and societies, especially when individuals are entrenched in their views and unwilling to consider alternative perspectives?
Thanks Shela. I believe it was Petrusek who said we cant just agree to disagree, but in today’s climate, I don’t think that is possible. Sometimes its just best to bite my tongue and let things be for the sake of the relationship. Its sad, really.
Hi Chris, I think we can all relate to those dinner table conversations when we ask someone what makes them believe what they do and we get the answer, “Just because!” I have struggled with the hostility that can be provoked in certain conversations. What are dinner conversations like for you now? I hope there are no more elephants.
Thanks ELysse. I would love to be in that position, knowing what I do now. But then again, I am a peacemaker and would have tried to tone the conversation down and try to have points made to where we hear each other.
As far as dinners today, I love them because Nancy and I share the same thoughts on these topics and have wonderful conversations!
Chris, I appreciate the way you write and hope I can learn to express more of myself in written form the way you do 🙂 You named this chapter as the only part of the book that felt it had common ground for your NPO, so I’d love to hear any thoughts on how some of what you gleaned feels applicable to your NPO / to what recovering addicts might find themselves facing.
aww Akwése I could easily say the same thing about your writing. Thank you.
I actually couldn’t find a connection for my NPO. I think this was the first time I just couldn’t find one. BUT if I had to stretch it a little, I would find myself on the side of keeping the peace. Depending on how long (or short) someone is sober, a peaceful existence is most important. Staying away from arguments, anger and frustration is tantamount to staying sober, Hence the saying Easy Does It. Stay in the moment- don’t worry,
Thanks as always for your reply
Chris, thank you for sharing your personal family history. At the end of your post, you articulate the severe challenges we face given the deep divide we face and the lack of anything of substance to find in common. What are some tools from this program that you think could help us approach this divide and lead others toward finding common ground?
Thanks Chad. I am not sure if I have the answer, I think that society is struggling because of the two competing news outlets. It comes down to what I said in class – you need to know why you believe what you believe – not because you are being told what to believe. I think if we were all comfortable in those reasonings, that we would all be able to sit at the same table and discuss our “why’s” and not just regurgitate the talking points. Thanks for your reply!