The Water Was Warm
After five days of lying in the dark, something surprising happened. I washed my hands and I noticed how the warm water flowing over my hands and wrist and it was good. I realized I was present in the moment. How long had it been since I experienced being present? I remembered chewing an apple in a spiritual formation class in 2012. Surely not that long.
A few weeks ago, I woke up with a stiff neck, as if I had slept on it badly. A couple of hours later I was experiencing an intense headache and then became nauseous. I stopped thinking about work. I stopped thinking about school. My mind turned off and I slept like I’ve never slept before. On day three I tried WebMD and was prescribed for a migraine but it did not help at all. On day four I went to the doctor in person. Negative for covid, positive for the flu. It was a complete surprise because I never really felt sick, just exhausted and the headache. There were two more days of darkness and sleep before I moved from the bed to the couch.
Once I emerged, I was behind in all my work and study. I felt depressed and discouraged at all that was in front of me and I knew things needed to change. I had been struggling to concentrate before the big sick and now it was impossible. Somehow, the moment of noticing that the water was warm and pleasant stayed with me and I knew it held a key.
I determined that I could be more effective by slowing down and just focusing on one thing at time, perhaps I could concentrate on being present, a forgotten practice. I also organized my day into time blocks and turned off all the notifications on my phone and my computer. These strategies were helping and that was before I started reading Your Brain at Work by David Rock.
According to the neuroscience of mindfulness what happened when washing my hands that day was utilization of the mental map of direct experience. Another way to experience the world is through the (default) mental map called narrative circuit.[1] I had become trapped for a while with only one map and we need both. Having said ‘yes’ to too many things earlier in the year I have been paying the price and living in the default mental map of constantly narrating/strategizing my next steps. The result of which was total deprivation of the richness mindfulness.
Now, if I feel anxiety building, I can notice the feeling and just remembering the time of handwashing helps me quiet the overactive narrative circuit and pull out the map of direct experience. That is the map where the deep breaths, the pleasantly clacking keyboard, and the scent of mint tea reside. Noticing those things makes a difference in my ability to stay focused and productive because I better understand how my brain works.
Rock’s thesis is that by understanding how your brain works, you actually gain the capacity to change your brain.[2] Making the transition from applying helpful techniques, like time blocking and distraction reducing, that help one concentrate to learning how and why the brain works is a great leap forward in effective work and leadership. The best news of all: changing the brain can occur while working, it does not require an extra investment of time or adding a new life activity. I have been given language to describe what is happening in my brain which gives me power, a good kind of power![3] Having language to describe the brain functioning allows the tools to work better because I have a mental map of understanding. Right before the big sick I was starting to worry that something was wrong with my brain: Early onset dementia? Undiagnosed ADHD? Why was I have so much trouble concentrating – there had to be something wrong.
Something was wrong, it is called too-many-actors-on-the-stage-itis. Or maybe it is called dual-task interference, either way, I was short circuiting because trying to understand new information, decide what is important and recalling where I put the great ideas was putting too much energy drain on my pre-frontal cortex.[4] But all of this brain science is only reinforcing something I already know.
All the complexity of my brain, of your brain, is completely understood by the One who created us. He knows my anxiety, overwork and overthinking. He knows when I am trapped in my own narrative. Drawing on Brother Lawrence and centuries of other spiritual teaching, Gregory Boyd refers to being trapped in self-centered chatter and offers practicing the presence of God as an antidote.[5] Rock suggests utilizing the concept of the director (what neuroscientists call mindfulness) to give us space to choose reactions and become more effective.[6] As much as I want to be more effective at work and study, what I really, truly hunger for is to be present for is Jesus. The warm water reminded me that I have forgotten to practice presence and lost awareness of His presence. Understanding my brain is helping me reawaken my spirit.
[1] David Rock, Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long, Revised and updated edition (New York, NY: Harper Business, 2020), 92-93.
[2] David Rock, Your Brain at Work, 96.
[3] David Rock, Your Brain at Work, 56.
[4] David Rock, Your Brain at Work, 34.
[5] Gregory A. Boyd, “Present Perfect: Finding God in the Now,(Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2010), 70.
[6] David Rock, Your Brain at Work, 34.
About the Author
Julie O'Hara
14 responses to “The Water Was Warm”
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Hi Julie! I enjoyed your post and your method of bringing things back to center. I think your experience is truly synonymous with so many of us who are trying to weave the delicate tightrope of balance and presence. How are you working to get some of those actors off stage?
Hi Daren,
I am noticing who all is up there and organizing them into groups by type. So – I make a ‘chunk’ list and then break down the steps needed to move forward. If I can make a few steps on several chunks by taking them one at a time, I feel progress. I am also having to do a lot of ‘inhibiting’ by refusing to let things onto the stage…mostly things to do with home and family. I have come to realize that working at home this year has presented a bigger challenge than i realized.
Julie,
I am so glad that you are feeling better and have been able to kick actors off the stage for a while. I am intrigued by how helpful mindfulness techniques are. I know they are very useful for trauma victims, I am also saddened by the fact that we live in a world where they are so needed. We know how we get into situations of needing them; but why, why do we constantly crowd the stage, overwhelming our minds and bodies? This may be why God ordained the sabbath, as Jesus said it was made for man’s benefit not for God’s (Mark 2:27-28). What would the world be like if everyone took a day, doesn’t have to be Sunday, but a day each week to let their minds and bodies heal? My question for you is, have you thought about setting a specific time each day to quiet yourself and practice mindfulness or is only doing it as needed, when you start to feel anxiety working well enough?
Hi Jeff, I think I can be more intentional with my approach to my morning – it has been less focused lately. I have generally been trying to slow down and ‘notice’ since the big sick. Your suggestion reminds me of a practice I used to have of sitting in the car and reading a Psalm before coming in from work. Maybe there is a similar idea to use when I leave my office at night. Thank you.
Great post Julie. Hope you are feeling better by now. I understand your anxieties as I was down for 2 weeks and am trying to catch up myself. We can do this!!
Thank you for the reminder that regularly practicing mindfulness can help restore balance and focus, even in the midst of challenging circumstances.
No questions – just prayers for you to put one step in front of the other and finish well.
Hi Chris, We can do this! Using our direct circuits we can thicken up the part of the brain we need to be even more mindful! Let’s see where we are in two years. Cheering you on! And as one recovering person to another, do you catch that bit on p. 64 about the chemical sweet spot? Yep. Sounds about right.
Julie, thank you for your post and for sharing your personal health challenges in recent weeks. You brought out the concept Rock introduces of having a “Director.” The idea of mindfulness. Would you possibly unpack how you see the interplay of our own mindfulness and the Holy Spirit functioning in that director role Rock describes?
YES! Slowing down, checking in with Director, being mindful – this is all just saying that we can get off the narrative thought train and hear from Holy Spirit. The ability to notice more things in the room is part of being able to be more connected to what the Spirit is whispering to us (and so be the differentiated less-anxious leader.) So many Spirit signals are spoken through others, or are whispered in our hearts for others. The map is there but I accidentally put it away for awhile. Just now while typing, I had a warm feeling of being cozy and I sense the Spirit saying that I am secure and safe. I am in the process of getting over myself and again orienting outward toward others. What a relief!
Thank you Julie, and I’m glad you are feeling better! I hate getting stuck in the chatter, the narrative, that keeps me away from God. Do you think you may return to the mindfulness of sensations in the future, to get reconnected to God?
Hi Debbie –
This morning I watched my cat breathe and appreciated her little self and soft fur and thanked God for the comfort of her presence 🙂 So, yes – am trying. I have also forced myself to eat without engaging in anything else at the same time. Progress.
Hi Julie,
Thanks so much for sharing, and I’m sorry you went through a challenging time.
I love how you connected Brother Lawrence to the book. It reminds me of the section of his book, “Practice of the Presence of God,” where he writes about washing the dishes and being intentional to be mindful of God during that time. It was a game changer for me.
You mentioned what happened on the day that you felt exhausted and had a migraine. What do you think happened before that point to increase your allostatic load, making it crash? And how can you apply some of David Rock’s principles into managing or prioritizing your days so that doesn’t happen again?
Hi Nancy – YES! I completely forgot about Brother Lawrence and the dishes. In the bigger picture, there have been two big things that have been draining me more than I realized. First, working at home and having work/school/family/home responsibility all happening in one location. Just getting a cup of coffee is distracting if I see a mess or the cats come out to play 🙂 Second, we have a great deal of uncertainty about husband’s job/potential move that has been lingering around for months. The “Brain Book” as I am now loving referring to it has helped me see, not only the reality of becoming overloaded, but why it is so. Thankfully, the answer is not that I am defective as I had begun to believe.
But RIGHT before…I was attending a conference where I felt uncomfortable. It was too loud and crowded and the chairs were too close together for my comfort. I felt there was a lot of agenda from the organizers with which I could not agree. The morning I woke up with the Big Sick, I was in a hotel on the last day. (Which I am again right now, but feeling great and grateful!)
beautiful post, Julie. Thank you for sharing your story of these past few weeks and the way that it is leading closer to the One who is always present with us. What are some ways that your mind and body communicates to you that you are anxious or overwhelmed?
Hi Ryan,
My husband would tell you it’s when I get into “squirrel mode” that’s what he calls it when I jump from one thing to another so quickly and so often that I can’t remember what set the whole train in motion. Squirrel mode is what it looks like on the outside. One inside it feels like I can see your mouth moving but I can’t hear what you say because my mind is thinking of something else. It is trying SO HARD to write but I can’t pull anything together. Physically my eyes get dry and my head feels heavy. Thanks for the question and making me think it through.