Staying Positive through the Muck
This text message was from two weeks ago. Doug was my old cellmate (hence his calling me “bunk,” (short for “bunkie”). He just entered rehab (an expensive one at that – $1000.00 a day!!) for the fourth or fifth time. Doug and I shared life together for about two years as bunkmates, or “cellies,” which is what most of us called each other.
Doug has a terrible meth problem. When he is sober, he is the greatest guy in the world. He is a phenomenal salesman, and everyone who meets him loves him. But he cant shake the meth, He does great for a year or two, makes a ton of money, then disappears into his meth nightmare. When he is at rock bottom, he appears again and wants to be sober. (I actually was wondering if he was still alive after this last runner, as he wouldn’t return any calls or texts).
As much as I want him to succeed and be healthy again, I don’t think he will be successful. Why? Because he doesn’t believe in God. He is trying to do this without any spiritual awakening or transformation, which is what my NPO is all about. He relies on earthly things to stay sober (like sound baths!). But he is also well aware of the failure rate that is widely talked about and desperately wants accountability and to be sober for good.
In his book, “Why Were Wrong About Nearly Everything”, Duffy writes: “Our brains handle negative information differently and store it more readily and accessibly.”[1] He explains that negativity has a greater emotional impact on us than something positive. For Doug not to go back to his drug of choice means that he will have to battle mentally and emotionally all of the negativity that he is exposed to. It is a daunting task. Even though he has a history of successes and has done exceedingly well, he beats himself up for all of his failures and can’t remember the good. There is a huge culture of shame in recovery.
How does one find comfort and strength when people’s perceptions are against him or her? In the book “Breathing Underwater”, Richard Rohr writes: “Twelve Steppers” sometimes thought they had left the church for the Wednesday night meetings in the basement, and many upstairs in the sanctuary presumed that their “higher” concerns were something different from “those people with problems” down below.”[2] Sadly, even though every one of us has an addiction of some sort, people tend to look down on people in recovery, and the ones that should (key word) have the right answers – Christians – just don’t know what to do with the people “down in the basement.”
A newcomer walks through the door feeling pretty broken. There is safety in those rooms. There are no preconceived thoughts, no biases, no expectations. There is only love and acceptance in the halls of AA and all the other “A”’s. In those rooms, there is hope, and that all changes once they walk out the door.
Hope is all people in recovery have. Hope to never drink or use again. Hope they will be able to change their lives for the better. Hope for better relationships. Hope is not easy when there are such biases against them. Duffy writes of the “new optimism” movement that balances out the negative biases – “to encourage more action, by countering an overblown sense that all is already lost.”[3] It is hard to stay positive when the life that you left behind you is in shatters and ruins. How do we journey with people struggling to break free from addictions? Treat them like the normal people that they are and just be there for them.
I know this post does not cover all the main points of Duffy’s book. I do understand what he wrote about – cognitive biases, misunderstandings, statistical influences, and algorithms that keep the reader in a bubble, but TBH, it goes into areas that I struggle with personally in politics, so I chose to take it in a different direction. But I also see the injustices that people in recovery go through because of the same misconceptions and biases that the world has perceived against them. I felt it was a good book to convey what I have witnessed.
BTW – Doug leaves the rehab center next week. Please keep him in your prayers. Thank you.
1 Bobby Duffy. Why We’re Wrong about Nearly Everything: A Theory of Human Misunderstanding. (New York: Basic Books, 2019), 111
2 Richard Rohr. Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps. (St. Anthony Messenger Press. Kindle Edition. 2011), Loc 5
3 Bobby Duffy. Why We’re Wrong about Nearly Everything: A Theory of Human Misunderstanding. (New York: Basic Books, 2019), 205
About the Author
Chris Blackman
12 responses to “Staying Positive through the Muck”
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Hi Chris,
Thank you for your post!
What is the significance of Duffy’s mention of the “new optimism” movement in countering negative biases?
Thank you Shela. My take away is that we need to challenge negative biases and promote a more balanced and fact-based understanding of the world.
Just don’t ask me how to do that 🙂
Hi Chris, I will be praying for your friend, Doug. I hear what your are saying about why you think Doug may not succeed in recovery. Does this book offer any guidance to your research?
Thank you Diane. Where there are no clear-cut pointers to recovery in the book, I think if it offers tools that point to helping that journey – self-awareness is one, change and adaptation would also be a big part. Newcomers are told to forget everything they thought they knew and start over again.
I have no doubt there are more if I jumped into it, but those two stuck out to me.
Chris, thank you for sharing a little bit of Doug’s story. I definitely have a burden for prayer for him, as my dad had a similar story that ended too soon. Duffy brings up the reality of delusions and misunderstandings that are too easily present. Have you become aware of any misunderstandings you had concerning your NPO during this phase of the program?
Thanks Chad. Sorry about your dad.
I had to think about your question for a minute. Thankfully, my answer is no at this moment, but then again, I haven’t really been able to dig in too deep in this pile of books that is sitting next to me!! Appreciate making me think about that.
Chris, thank you once more for being obedient to the part of you that wanted to share in this way, rather than list out all of the points Duffy was making because this whole post resonated with me. I felt my heart break open at multiple things this stirred as I read. Something that struck me was how you named the power of hope AND at the same time seemed to also be saying that you do not have hope for Doug’s full recovery ( ” As much as I want him to succeed and be healthy again, I don’t think he will be successful”) Im curious how you hold the tension of knowing the importance of hope when working with this population, alongside your own skepticism regarding recovery?
In reading between the lines it seems to me that there may still be space for rekindling hope that Doug will succeed but that before you could feel that hope, he must first come to God? Feel free to correct me if my assumption is inaccurate but if this is the case, it seemsfaith is a powerful place to start…
Thank you for your words Akwése. I wasn’t feeling great last week and didn’t feel very good about this post, so I appreciate your thoughts. (BTW – the peppermint works! Thank you!). Glad it resonated with you.
Honestly, I feel very strongly that he will not succeed without God’s presence and guidance in the sober journey. You can do all the yoga and sound baths you want (not that they don’t help in some ways), but they won’t keep you sober in the hard times. Only God will. This is my whole reasoning for doing my project.
Doug’s mom was a devout Christian woman, and continually mailed him Christian books, a bible, quotes etc, and he had no desire. He would just hand them all to me, which I liked, but was sad he wouldn’t even look at them. Faith is the ONLY answer to this, and that is what I pray for. Thank you for your reply.
Chris, you’ve hit the nail on the head when it comes to how to deal with our negative thoughts. I’m doing some research on faith and hope. Faith is the energizing force that moves us forward. It is a longing for fulfillment and purpose. If we have faith in the wrong thing, we move in the wrong direction. Hope is the vision placed before the passionate movement of faith. “The ‘gift of faith’ is the power of God’s grace empoinewring the self to truly desire what He promised in fulfillment of a personal life venture… Faith is what connects the hunger of the self to the hope of the self that greater fulfillment lies ahead. Whithout the hunger, there is no fuel to fire up faith. Without the hope, there is no mark on which faith can set its sight.” (Self Care by Ray S. Anderson, p. 45.)
We have the hope of life in Christ, both now and forever. That hope is everything.
You’re doing great and important work Chris. Thank you.
Amen and Amen. Wonderful thoughts Debbie! I really appreciate your words and encouragement! Thank you.
Hi Chris, thank you for sharing about your friend Doug. Also, thank you for teaching me about the sound bath. I grew up as a pastor’s kid in Los Angeles and saw many recovering addicts ‘get right’ with God and then fall back into their addictions. I feel many times I have shared similar thoughts you experience with Doug. You want them to succeed, but don’t think it will happen. However, I now recognize many unhealthy behaviors of the church when interacting with those in recovery (i.e. they don’t). I appreciate your love for ‘those in the basement.’
What are some of the major bias blind spots I can be aware of when interacting with someone in recovery?
Thanks Elysse. Sadly, you are correct on the failure rate in recovery, and it was only when I read Teresa of Avila’s book “Interior Castle” that I realized the need for deeper spiritual transformation to go deeper in faith than just a surfacy faith of saying the right words. This is a serious journey and really is life or death, and one needs to go deep to stay sober. Those tools are not available in the 12-step program, nor sadly, in Celebrate Recovery.
As far as your bias question… don’t treat them like they are fragile. When I was involved in AA, and before God healed me (I have a glass of wine several nights a week when I cook now, and yes, it is just one small glass :)) my family was so fearful of me getting stressed or even them to have a glass of wine with dinner in front of me that it made it awkward and I felt like I was not as “good” as they were. Just treat them like you would anyone else. It”s really that simple.
Thanks for your questions and response.