Exposed
Reading Leading Out of Who You Are reminded me of picking at scabs. It sort of feels good to pick around the itchy edges and knock away some crusts, but go too far and there is risk of opening a partially healed wound and bleeding all over. It was just so awkward, to use my daughters’ favorite word, to read about someone else, but know that it could have been written about me.
“As a leader, she was always preoccupied with what others might be thinking of her and how she could manage their impressions. Her experience of a hostile peer-group at school had been transferred to her adult peers, with the result that she expected other people to take advantage of anything she might give away of a personal nature, unless she remained in control of the encounter.”[1]
I wasn’t sure how the book was going to turn out. I am so thankful I pushed through! Turns out, I don’t need a medic, but there were moments I needed a blanket, or for someone to turn the lights off, or at least to graciously look away. I was exposed.
With a surgeon’s precision Walker identified the formative hurts of my childhood and adolescence. He ruthlessly pointed out why adult Me made it a point of pride NOT to trust others and was equally prideful of my highly developed “BS-ometer.” For too many adult years I believed that any show of weakness would be exploited by others. Not only did my disorganized childhood and spiritually traumatic adolescence imprint this belief, my sales career reinforced it as a very present reality. I became completely defended. Besides reviewing the making of a Defender, I was also able to review some of the unmaking which has taken place.
A few years after beginning preparation for pastoral ministry I was in my first assignment. It happened to be in my home church and the Lead Pastor well understood my background. The first staff team building ‘thing’ we did after I started was to work through Patrick Lencioni’s The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. The first dysfunction is “Absence of Trust” which completely blocks teamwork while members work to protect themselves and remain invulnerable.[2] The base of all team dysfunction is lack of trust.
I knew Pastor Les chose that book because of me, his elaborate cover story did not fool me one bit. So of course, I was suspicious. Weeks turned into months and into years under his leadership. During that time, I learned to choose love, found a purpose, and began to believe that the only audience I needed to impress was an audience of One and He already loved me.
Pastor Les constantly used the phrase, “give it away” in reference to ministry. He taught us to replace ourselves and to step back and let others lead. More than that, he embodied Walker’s principle that when leaders are willing to give away what they possess, it is returned to them transformed into something even greater.[3] He routinely gave up his pulpit for the development of me and another pastor. He also let go of control when we wanted to try new things and he gave us room to fail.
Besides all of these intentional acts of leadership development, Pastor Les was a living example of one who has “laid aside their personal interest” to let everything he could offer be for the good of other people.[4] By taking a stand on a principle which would benefit many people for years to come, Pastor Les relinquished any opportunity for denominational ‘advancement’ and risked retiring under a tarnished cloud. He let himself be misunderstood and released power so that others could thrive.
Is he a completely undefended leader? No. Like all of us he was, and is, a work in progress. But in the ways that he did embody leading as suggested in The Undefended Leader, he helped me take off some of my armor. I have learned to enjoy the freedom of living without all of that. I am still known to run backstage and grab some rusty bits from time-to-time, but I can stand longer in light. Exposed.
[1] Simon P. Walker, Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership (The Undefended Leader Trilogy Book 1). (Piquant Editions, 2013. Kindle edition), 74.
[2] Patrick Lencioni, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable. 1st ed. (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2002), 64.
[3] Simon P. Walker, Leading Out of Who You Are, 203.
[4] Simon P. Walker, Leading Out of Who You Are, 203.
About the Author
Julie O'Hara
9 responses to “Exposed”
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Julie, thank you for sharing part of your story. I agree it seems natural to defend and protect yourself from being exposed; past trauma builds up effective armor to do so. I have found it challenging to switch off my defense after so many years of automatic response. What strategies do you use to remain in the light on the front stage when the default defense kicks in?
Hi Erica~ I suppose that ruthless determination and sheer act of will are not the right answers? Besides that, though…I am thinking of a time late 2021 when my closest colleague and friend did something that, to me, was a huge act of betrayal. My old friend, Rage, was straining at the leash and I only wanted to resurrect my old pattern of severing all ties.
In that situation I was able to meet one-on-one and take deep breaths and ask questions and listen. I was also heard. There was a lot of in-person and written apology to follow. Time was needed to rebuild trust, almost a year. I learned that I can be deeply hurt by someone I love and who loves me and our relationship can survive. The other person is someone else who has been working to become less-anxious and a more self-aware leader, too – so we were able to come together with a common language. So that is the bottom line answer – by practicing being less anxious, not blaming, not cutting off relationship and by listening to what motivated the action in the first place.
Julie,
Great yet disturbing analogy of a scab.
It sounds like Les is a great leader to leadersmith under. Do you see any co-relation between the undefended leader and Poole’s leadersmithing principles?
Hi Adam, Truthfully – Leadersmithing is not one of the connections I made along the way. But I went to look in response to your question. When we read that book I had looked up “trust” the Queen of Hearts (because I still consider myself someone who doesn’t trust easily) and read the exercise. The suggestion is turns out to be about becoming someone people trust than than trusting others. If you have a minute, read the exercise on p. 154. Pastor Les ONE HUNDRED percent modeled this to us. I learned to be ‘charming’ in precisely the way described from watching him be kind in this manner everywhere we went. Having apprenticed this skill I am now conscious of my daughters watching me. Thank you for your question.
Julie,
I love your narrative style of writing!
What an amazing experience you had with Pastor Les as a leader. It sounds like it was formative for you.
As you continue your journey as an exposed leader, how do you manage the barriers you bump up against, and the naysayers (if you have had any)?
Hello Nancy, Thank you for your compliment. “Leaders only become undefended when they feel safe.” p. 47 For me to feel safe, I must be able to name my feelings, which I find very difficult. Then I need to name them to another person. When I say them out into the light I can usually see where the threatening feeling is connected to something much older and not the situation at hand. Thank you for your question ~ it was helpful for me to think this through.
Julie, I really enjoy reading your posts and this one didn’t disappoint! Sounds like you had a wonderful example in Pastor Les. You mentioned a handful of things he did and principles he embodied to lay aside personal interest/gain and “let everything he could offer be for the good of other people”. What specific practices of his have you been working on modeling in your own leadership and what has this book stirred in you as it relates to your NPO?
Hi Akwése, Thank you for your kind words. Pastor Les made such a point to speak well of various members of the team in front of others: the congregation, the board, one another, even denominational leaders. I know he still does this because last week I met two women on staff at a church where he recently completed a long-term interim assignment and they knew all about me! Anyway, they thought it was me, but he made ‘me’ sound much better 🙂 I try to emulate this practice by being intentional about turning the spotlight to shine on other people. Sometimes I am still tempted to jump up and down in the light myself – just keeping it real.
As for my NPO – what I mentioned about him giving away pulpit opportunity for the development of others is directly related. My NPO is about the inconsistent preaching we have denominationally. He apprenticed me (and others) to the pulpit. Thank you for your questions.
As it relate
Hi, Julie, thank you for you post. I could be wrong, but I believe that being an ‘undefended leader’ is a life-long process as you implied. Thank you.