A leader’s bias comment leads to CAREfronting…
Two months ago, we sold our washer and dryer online and I watched as the customer backed into our driveway. When he stopped, I walked outside to greet him. I waved hello and the first words out of his mouth were, “Do you live here?” Honestly, I thought that was a foolish question. After a few minutes of conversation, I found out this man was a hard-working Korean American. His words brought back a memory.
Three years ago, we decided to sell one of our vehicles to a college student in our church. His dad, a friend and elder in our church wanted to look at it first. So, I gave him the address and he came right over. As soon as he stepped into our house, his eyes quickly looked into the foyer, dining and living room and he said, “Wow, this is a nice house, do you live here, or do you rent?” I was shocked by his question, and I momentarily let it go.
After talking with my family, we all agreed I should say something to my good buddy about his comment. I did have that conversation with my buddy and explained to him, I was hurt by his comment and asked him, “Have you ever gone into a white person’s home and said, Nice home, do you live here, or do you rent? Your comment came across like you would not expect a black person to have a nice home. Your comment hurt BUT I do not believe you are racist, but do you think subconsciously something is there?” My good buddy deeply apologized and agreed with me about how hurtful that comment must have felt. He did not pick up on how his words were possibly bias until I brought it to his attention. He was totally oblivious to his thought process. This is why the book, Sway: Unravelling Unconscious Bias by Dr. Pragya Agarwal was such a blessing this week.
In her book she primarily looks at examples where a “bias is misdirected and creates prejudice and discriminatory behavior through a negative association with a certain group or community.”1 A few pages later she writes, “prejudices are emotional biases that can lead to discrimination and can alter our instincts about people and situations.”2 Agarwal does an excellent job explaining unconscious bias, which is also called implicit bias. This refers to the attitudes or stereotypes people hold deep in the unconscious part of their brains. These biases exist outside of our control, and they may not match how you feel when you give conscious thought to them. For example, like my good buddy from church. Before I return to my friend, I want to say I enjoyed reading this book because she shows how these implicit biases affect every area of life including race, age, sexuality, gender, and even someone’s appearance. Now, back to my good friend.
My friend’s bias reminded me of what Bobby Duffy wrote in his book, Why We’re Wrong About Nearly Everything, “Delusions and misperceptions, are a positive misunderstanding of reality.”3 He adds, “our delusions are often biased in particular directions, because our emotional responses influence our perceptions of reality.”4 Sways book is about how our brains make decisions based upon our previous experiences and this is why it is easy to have delusions and misperceptions. Kathryn Schulz adds to this premise in her book, Being Wrong, “If our current mistakes are necessarily invisible to us, our past errors have an oddly slippery status as well.”5 This means we all have unconscious biases, we have always had them, and we always will have them. Like my good buddy he made a decision influenced by false beliefs or assumptions. Sometimes this is called stereotyping.
Sway talks about stereotypes by emphasizing, “When there is uncertainty and ambiguity then these biases will be expressed even when there is no real threat or danger.”6 This is why later on in her book, she writes, “Racial discrimination emerges from stereotypes.”7 Daniel Lieberman speaks of this in his book, Spellbound, “human behavior arises from the combination of conscious deliberation and unconscious influence.”8 My dear friend consciously made a statement that was actually influenced by his unconscious and he had no idea the weight of his comment. He is and has been a leader in our church. With this in mind I felt a responsibility to disciple him in relating to people of color. I agree with Agarwal, that “unconscious biases are even more pervasive than we thought.”9 I would have never thought my friend would make that statement and it only proves we all have room to grow. But maybe my response said more about me than him. It’s human to be hurt or offended by a friend’s statement. My response, my feelings, me engagement with family, my thoughts before bed, my thoughts when I saw him the next day in church, my feelings toward the leadership and so on all say something about my emotional intelligence. Maybe God was testing me to see how graceful I would respond. Maybe he wasn’t testing me. I don’t know. But no matter what I had to exercise my leadership and walk with my friend.
As I met with my buddy, I told him when I meet Asian people I automatically think, “If you’re Asian, you’re intelligent.” We all have prejudices we need to work through. I asked him to go deep inside himself to see where that comment really came from. I gave him grace to explore his past, upbringing, and life experiences, and it strengthened our relationship so much, that in two months I am going to ask him to join our Board of Directors for our counseling center.
In conclusion, my friend’s comment made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I also wanted to let it pass or just ride my feelings out because I knew I would eventually “get over it.” But that’s not leadership. That’s not being a RARE leader or a well differentiated leader. Our conversation not only strengthened our relationship, but it strengthened our families and ultimately our church. It helped our church leaders realize we all have negative subconscious thoughts, and the result was the establishment of our Embrace Unity Team, a multiethnic group committed to racial reconciliation/unity in our church. That’s one way to SWAY in the right direction.
- Pragya Agarwal. SWAY: Unravelling Unconscious Bias. 13.
- 37.
- Bobby Duffy. Why We’re Wrong About Nearly Everything. 20.
- 31.
- Kathryn Schulz. Being Wrong. 19.
- Pragya Agarwal. SWAY: Unravelling Unconscious Bias. 47-48.
- Pragya Agarwal. SWAY: Unravelling Unconscious Bias. 253.
- Daniel Z. Lieberman. Spell Bound. 54.
- Pragya Agarwal. SWAY: Unravelling Unconscious Bias. 393.
About the Author
Todd E Henley
Todd is an avid cyclist who loves watching NASCAR, photography, and playing Madden football. He is addicted to reading, eating fruits and vegetables, and drinking H2O. His passion is talking about trauma, epigenetics, chromosomes, and the brain. He has been blessed with a sensationally sweet wife and four fun creative children (one of which resides in heaven). In his free time he teaches at Fresno Pacific Biblical Seminary and is the Founder/Executive Director of Restore Counseling Center.14 responses to “A leader’s bias comment leads to CAREfronting…”
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Hi Todd,
Thank you for unpacking for us your process of addressing unconscious bias with a friend. That was so very helpful. What you have modeled is authentic relationship in which honest communication and the willingness to address hard things deepens relationships. How did you attend to the emotions that arose within you? I am curious, if you had not already had a good relationship with this man, how or would you have addressed the issue differently? Thank you for a wonderful post!
Hey Jenny. Oh, excellent penetrating questions. Thank you. It helped that I knew him even though I felt anger inside and realized it was okay to feel that anger. So I just felt it, did my breathing technique, and allowed it to subside. I also dealt with anxiety because I knew I had to eventually speak to him. But I’m used to anxiety when I have to carefront someone. By the way, I wanted to say to the Korean American, “No I don’t live here, I just killed the white couple so I could wait for you and take your money.” I’m so glad I didn’t say that out of frustration.
Jenny, honestly, I really don’t know how I would have addressed the issue if I did not know him. Sorry, I wish I could give a better answer and thank you for allowing me to process this again.
Todd, a takeaway I have from your post is to have the willingness to have uncomfortable conversations… and the impact that can have on your friendship. You have painted the picture of what the danger is if we chose not to have the conversation: it degrades the friendship. This is an act of curating relationships that I think is really important; now more than ever. Also, I picked up that the way your are approaching it: one of curiosity rather than judgement is so helpful. Thanks, Todd!
Hey Jennifer, I love how insightful you are. You mentioned how not dealing with the issue, “degrades the friendship.” I really like that phrase and believe I could develop an idea/lesson on the importance of care fronting vs the danger of degrading a friendship. As always Jennifer, I love your wisdom and leadership passion to grow…and thanks for the encouragement.
Thanks for sharing your story, Todd. Your emotional intelligence and poise are obvious in the way you responded graciously to your friend. And it sounds like it preserved, even strengthened the relationship.
I have definitely been guilty of keeping my mouth shut and just “getting over” hurtful comments, and I’ve seen how it eats away at important relationships. I’ll try to take a page from your playbook next time I’m in a similar situation.
Hey Kim, the only thing that helped me to carefront my friend was that I knew I had to do it because there was still some anger residing in me. I felt anxious knowing I had to talk with him and it gave me a lot of courage after I did it…and it has given me more courage to keep doing it when necessary…even with the anxiety that comes with care fronting someone. Thanks for your gracious words, Kim.
A great example of how we are called to be in relationship as followers of Jesus….thanks for sharing Todd. Also, your post helped me better understand how unconscious bias is played out in real life in a way that the book didn’t–perhaps because I know you…and perhaps because I wasn’t getting ‘lost’ in ‘microaggressions’ and whether spelling someone’s name wrong should be received as something hurtful. Once I was out of the philosophical ‘weeds’ of the book, I read your story and was better able to understand how such comments (and the bias underneath them) are hurtful and potentially harming to a person’s sense of self (over the long-term). Thanks for both sharing vulnerably and for being a great example of a gracious response that leads to reconciliation.
Hey my brother Scott, thanks for your encouraging words. I faced some anxiety as I thought about care fronting my friend. Fortunately he was open to listening, growing, and being educated.
And I’m glad my post was able to help you a little…and that’s because you a so teachable!
Hi Todd,
I am bolstered by this. You wrote, ” In conclusion, my friend’s comment made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I also wanted to let it pass or just ride my feelings out because I knew I would eventually “get over it.” But that’s not leadership. That’s not being a RARE leader or a well differentiated leader. Our conversation not only strengthened our relationship, but it strengthened our families and ultimately our church.”
For many reasons I have not encountered this kind of situation, primarily because I have lived outside of the U.S. for 30 years.
The black and white issue in the Army was “Vietnam Era” problem…and in my generation in the Army, it was something that flowed under the bridge.
I was speaking with Jonita and I told her that I did not identify as an Asian Male. My identity, I suppose was Army green. You move every three years and have to prove yourself again and again. It becomes habit.
Not sure if that explains anything but I am surprised at the “sensitive” nature of generations (I am a baby boomer and perhaps less sensitive).
Self Care, therapy, counseling are all new words for me.
I will close here in sharing something from a recent bible study, Forgiveness, Making Amends, Reconciliation.
Perhaps these are some “how to’s” that could have included in Agarwal’s Epilogue.
Wow, my brother. Thank you for your response. I learned so much more about you. I really like what you said about being surprised at the sensitive nature of generations. It’s a blessing knowing there are many people who have not experienced racial discrimination. And I love your identification as Army Green. You are such a blessing, Russell!
That’s one way to SWAY in the right direction. I love that sentence. I wonder if your ability to continually work on your inner being, you are able to extend grace. It is such a wicked problem to work through racism and sexism without anger, pain and trauma at times. How do you think you’ve been able to move to CAREfronting? It seems in the way you were able to do that allowed your friend to not get defensive and to turn inward. This was an amazing story on how to help others to be honest with themselves without shame. Well done friend…I think you could write a book on this!! I’d read it!
Hey Jana! You’re right, it is such a wicked problem to work through sexism and racism and it is east to get angry. I wanted to say to the Korean American, “No I don’t live here, I just killed the white couple so I could wait for you and take your money.” But I knew that would probably not go over well.
Jana, CAREfronting is always a challenge because it goes against my personality. Being a psychotherapist has helped me so much because I don’t have a problem lovingly confronting my clients. I guess because they are paying me.
To answer your question specifically, years ago, I asked a good friend to mentor me through a study on “People Pleasing” by Leslie Vernick. My friend is a straight shooter and is not a people pleaser. This is why I asked him to mentor me through this 4 week study. It was very helpful and challenging. Since people pleasing was a life long weakness, I knew I had to have someone hold me accountable in this area. Even though it is still challenging to CAREfront people, my wife, children, and friends, really challenge me well. This is how I have been able to move toward CAREfronting.
Also, it has helped to realize I have made mistakes in life and it helps me to be gracious and understanding with others. I hope this is helpful.
HI Todd!
I enjoyed reading your story and thoughts, especially this part: “In conclusion, my friend’s comment made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I also wanted to let it pass or just ride my feelings out because I knew I would eventually “get over it .” But that’s not leadership. That’s not being a RARE leader or a well differentiated leader. Our conversation not only strengthened our relationships, but it strengthened our families and ultimately our church. It helped our church leaders realize we all have negative subconscious thoughts, and the result was the establishment of our Embrace Unity Team, a multiethnic group committed to racial reconciliation/unity in our church.”
I really learned a lot from you, Todd! You are a humble servant and leader, able to think and act positively and appreciatively. You can turn an unpleasant experience into an important uniting force. In your view, is unconscious bias something that we really need to clean up, or should we just let it happen because it may occur naturally, but the most important thing is that we can detect and then address it?
Thank you!
Hey Dinka! Your questions reveal your wisdom. You are such a godly young man!!! The answer to your question is yes. It’s something we should be aware of and work on it and something, which means we also need to clean it up too. Since we all have biases, we need to keep this in mind and work on being aware of our biases. Yes, we need to detect it and address it. Good word and good questions sir. Thank you.