The Power of Authentic Relationships of Depth Across Difference
Years ago I was a part of an Intentional Living Community. We came together around our commitment to both God and social justice. To live in the house required us to share a set of core values while also adhere to certain rules and community norms that included things like splitting house chores, rotating who cooked our shared meal each week, as a well as regularly scheduled house meetings where we’d check in with one other. We even had spiritual directors meet with us collectively once a month. I’ll never forget one of our most heated house meetings. Things had gotten so tense that we ended up having to bring in our spiritual directors to mediate.
It all started a couple weeks earlier on one of our housemates’ birthdays. To celebrate, she decided to throw a party at our house. Not only did every housemate give her a thumbs up to host the party at our home, but also shared how excited they were to join. The day of the party arrives and guests start flowing in. I was helping to set up the space and welcome people in. The house was full but none of the roommates were there. One texted to say they were running late but on their way, however no word from the others. Soon, one walks in with her boyfriend, sees all the people in the living room and her eyes get wide. She looks stunned as she stares at a sea of brown faces and nervously says “ooh, this is a party, party” before quickly retrieving to her room upstairs where she remains for the duration of the event. About an hour later another comes in. Says a quick hi and then also scurries away to her room. The night goes on and towards the end of the event the one roommate who texted about running late shows up. He greets the entire room, sees that we’re about to do a bit of an open mic and runs to grab his guitar before joining in. There were six of us in total who lived in the house, four happened to be White, while the birthday girl and I were not. Immediately after the last person left we saw the fifth roommate peek his head over the staircase to ensure no one else was there, then make his way down to the kitchen. We were surprised to learn he was home the entire time because he never messaged nor joined the party. Needless to say, the birthday girl was extremely hurt that not only did three of the five roommates flake out but they intentionally choose to be in their rooms rather than with everyone else. Days ago they were all excited to join, so what had changed? The only thing she could think of was that they must have not expected to see so many people of color, felt uncomfortable and rather than lean into that discomfort and engage it, they chose to avoid it by running off to their rooms. I too couldn’t help but feel the same.
While this incident clearly had an impact, no one was talking about it until the tension got so thick that you could cut it with a knife, so we called a house meeting and asked for our Spiritual Directors to support. Upon sharing the impact of what occurred, the man who stayed in his room the entire time flipped out saying “ I’m not racist. I don’t see color so this had nothing to do with race, I just wasn’t feeling good” while the first girl who came home looking visibly nervous upon seeing the group responded saying “I don’t think this was what was happening, but maybe…” She went on to share how she did remember feeling nervous when she walked into the room but wasn’t sure why, then apologized for the impact of her actions, thanking us for sharing, thus offering something for her to further reflect on. Their responses felt like night and day. One stirred more anger, shutting down conversation and creating a rift that was never able to heal while the other stirred a sliver of hope, providing room for ongoing dialogue and reconciliation. The first roomates response was automatic and impulsive whereas the other roomates response was more conscious, aware and considerate. A great example of Daniel Kahneman’s System One and System Two thinking at play[1], but also an experience that fled to my mind as I began enagging thoughts around what Yascha Mounk calls the “Identity Trap.”
In his book, “The Identity Trap: A Story of Ideas and Power in Our Time,” Mounk seeks to address a problem we’re faced with in todays’ society that has to do with division between different groups around the concept of social justice and equality. He makes a few core arguments: 1) universal humanist values are what best will serve a goal of true equality in our world, 2) an appreciation for the culture and heritage of minority groups has turned into a counterproductive obsession with group identity in all its forms, and 3 ) the pendulum has swung too far when trying to address oppression, in that we are creating division by not adopting a more humanist view and thus the ideas of the “identity synthesis” are damaging to a healthy functioning society. [2] He brings in a varity of examples to highlight the origins of these new identity politics, while suggesting the ways in which adopting “wokeness” has gotten things wrong, citing cases of “strategic essentialism” to support his thoughts. While Mounk acknowledges that “identity synthesis advocates are driven by a noble ambition…[to] remedy historic injustices”[3] and that the injustices we see today are very real and remain real, he feels that in order for true equality a “more radical break with the status quo is needed” because ultimately “these ideas will fail to deliver on their promises, undermining progress toward genuine equality among members of different groups” thus making it a “trap.” [4]
When I think about what a radical solution to creating “a society of genuine equals”[5] entails I can’t help but think back to what went down at this house meeting years ago. Being willing to pause, listen, hear, reflect, and question onesselves with openness and curiosity is extremely powerful. It created space for restoration of a fracture that wasnt only interpersonal but which was indicative of the much large fracture Mousk invites us to explore in his book. What sticks out to me is that when we try to fight our injuistices by simply fighting for or against ideas we its easy to loose sight on what truly matters, which is the person at the core of it. If we can focus on fostering authentic relationships of depth across difference, not from a place of tokenship but from a place of true love and respect where we can name that which feels unnameable, explore the impact of unconscious bias, acknowledge what injustices have and still do plague our society, and then choose to work through our discomfort regarding differences, we open the door for what I believe will be the beginning of sustainable change towards a more equitable world.
[1] Kahneman, Daniel. Thinking, Fast and Slow. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2011.
[2] Mounk, Yascha. The Identity Trap. London, UK: Penguin, 2023.
[3] ———. “Where the New Identity Politics Went Wrong.” The Atlantic. The Atlantic, September 26, 2023. https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/09/woke-ideology-history-origins-flaws/675454/.
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Akwese
8 responses to “The Power of Authentic Relationships of Depth Across Difference”
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“If we can focus on fostering authentic relationships of depth across difference, not from a place of tokenship but from a place of true love and respect where we can name that which feels unnameable, explore the impact of unconscious bias, acknowledge what injustices have and still do plague our society, and then choose to work through our discomfort regarding differences, we open the door for what I believe will be the beginning of sustainable change towards a more equitable world.”
YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for sharing that story, Akwése. I’m sorry not everyone could get to a place of healing, but I love where there was humility and change. When things remain secretive and hidden, we can never deal with them properly. They just grow to become the “scary monster in the basement.”
Thanks, Kari, I love what you added about how “when things remain secretive and hidden, we can never deal with them properly. ” I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately…
Hi Akwése, Important story about the party highlighting the subtlety of what can be simmering under the surface. I was reminded of living in the Mission District of San Francisco in 1985, pre-gentrification. Our block was mixed ethnicities, but I was the only White girl I ever saw around the neighborhood. I particularly remember going to a movie where I was the only White person, everyone else was Black. Truthfully, it felt vaguely threatening to be the only one even though I was with friends. Thank you for surfacing this important memory for me – I need to stay connected to what it might still feel like for the lone person of color on the church board, or in a meeting. Even when the majority group means no harm, it is a lonely place to be, takes courage to speak up and carries a lot of pressure to represent. I’m interested in your thoughts about how I might be able to make those spaces more comfortable for anyone who might feel like an ‘other.’
Julie, thanks for sharing your experience and being so open about what it stirred internally. Regarding your question, I’d want to know more about the context and your relationship with some of these folks. In general, a great place to start is by fostering deeper personal relationships with some of the individuals who might feel othered. That way, whatever direct actions you take to help support them are coming out of a real relationship and what you’ve learned from being with them informally. I know it’s a longer route, but I trust its outcome will be richer, too.
Akwése, thank you for this post. The party situation you described sounds so awkward and confusing. I can see why it caused so much tension. I appreciated your thoughts concerning sustainable change at the conclusion of your post. I was just thinking how there is often a push to focus on similarities, which is helpful. However, the similarities are not the hard things to talk about. I agree with you. We need to talk about our differences and things that make us uncomfortable.
What does this look like for you as you live overseas? Do you find yourself having these harder conversations?
Yes, exactly; we need help talking about the hard things! I always think back to one of my mentors who said, “If you do today what is easy, your life will be hard, but if you do today what is hard, your life will be easy.”
To answer your question regarding what this looks like overseas, I think I’m still figuring that out — at least in my context of Thailand. Race here isn’t as big of an issue, so these conversations are ones I actually don’t have as often as when I was living in the US. That said, I recently started engaging with more foreigners and have had to re-engage with this in new ways, but it feels really different. I may not be answering your question, as it feels hard to put what I want to say into words…
This is so good and reminds me of my own tendency to clump folks together for expediency when I don’t have the time or energy to battle to daily fight. “When we try to fight our injuistices by simply fighting for or against ideas we its easy to loose sight on what truly matters, which is the person at the core of it.” It is so easy to fall into the system 1 thinking because it’s easier. I can skip conversations I don’t feel like dealing by dismissing their viewpoint because it is so far from mine. Further, I find myself choosing to walk away more than engage to keep my own emotions in check and not engage the conversation once I know we won’t be able to find a common meeting ground. I can’t convince everybody and don’t want to even try! What factors contribute to your determination of whether to stay and fight or simply dismiss and walk away for your own self-care?
Erica, thanks so much for your response and great question! You’re absolutely right that we must exercise discernment in these situations. And you’re on to something with choosing to walk away when ” I know we won’t be able to find a common meeting ground.” That’s one factor for me as well. If I know the person doesn’t want to listen or birth some form of genuine connection, I normally let them be with themselves and their beliefs.
Overall, I guess a mixture of things come into play for me. The biggest is knowing my capacity and who this person is to me. If I have no relationship with them, Im less likely to engage, but if they are someone I know or share other values with or care about, etc, then Im much more willing.
I’ll also often ask myself a mixture of questions like, “What’s my aim in sharing?,” “What will this accomplish?,” “What’s at risk?,” and “What’s my stake in it all?” These help me discern if and how I’ll respond as well.
I also want to say that I find it important to allow ourselves the gift of being in different seasons. So in one season, you might find yourself walking away more than engaging, and that’s okay. You used the word ” fight”, and for me, I used to fight, but it was way too tiring, so now I focus on engaging, and if it’s a situation that demands a fight, I’m often quick to opt out, too 😉