Cross Racial Friendship: Escaping the Identity Trap
It was September 2020 when my friend, Adrienne, asked me to go public with our friendship. She wanted to know if we could work out some of our current difficulties in front of others on my podcast and in a workshop. Valuing her friendship more than my comfort zone, I agreed and we recorded an intense conversation three weeks later.[1] Dr. Adrienne Ochs is one of my closest friends who happens to be a Black woman, mother, educator and follower of Jesus. During the wake of racial reconciling in the summer of 2020 when George Floyd, Breonna Taylor and Ahmaud Arbery were senselessly murdered, Adrienne shut down and pulled away from our friendship (and from other White people). When we did talk or meet, I met only with her anger and rage. For the first time in our 13-year friendship, our willingness to be vulnerable, even if we didn’t understand the other, came to a complete standstill.
Where did the understanding between us go? Would we lose the joy of mutual influence? What is genuine friendship without the gift of speaking freely?
In The Identity Trap, Yashcha Mounk explains how a few powerfully bad ideas, propelled through institutions by people with good intentions, are causing systemic mayhem by stifling discourse and vilifying mutual influence as cultural appropriation, according to Jonathan Haidt’s review. In other words, members of different groups cannot truly understand one another and these bad ideas insist that the way governments treat citizens should depend on the color of their skin. This is the Identity Trap.
I knew Adrienne well enough that she hadn’t fallen into a victim mindset; in fact, at the core of her being was a person who always constructed what was good about others and the world. To be brutally honest, I was deeply afraid that what I saw happening in academics, cultural and political spheres was now separating close friends. Silence came over me as I was unsure how to speak my mind. On the day Adrienne asked if we could go public with our cross racial friendship and share our struggles, was the day we fought identity synthesis and its consequences.
How to Understand Each Other
In David Brooks’ newest book, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen, he writes at the beginning of his journey, “The real act of, say, building a friendship or creating community involves performing a series of small, concrete social actions well: disagreeing without poisoning the relationship; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view.”[2]
On the podcast, Adrienne and I openly discuss the times she told me what it was like to live in Portland, Oregon as a Black woman. When elevator doors would open and Adrienne would be standing there, she would hear a person take in a quick breath or she’d see the shock in a person’s eye when she would show up for work because they didn’t expect a Black woman to have her PhD. At first, I said this couldn’t be true but then I believed her because she was asking me to see things from her point of view.
The Joys of Mutual Influence
Might we escape the identity trap when we are willing to see things from another’s point of view? More importantly, might the joy we receive from mutually influencing one another across racial lines reduce the epidemic of loneliness our young people face? (I highly recommend David French and Curtis Chang’s podcast on these topics).[3] When Francis Fukuyama was interviewing Yascha Mounk on his podcast, Fukuyama asked: What’s the worry about the rise of the left? Mounk talked about Anti-colonialism and the new synthesis of race, gender and sexual identification.
Then he talked about the dangers: “When you encourage children to embrace a racial identity, think of themselves as racial beings, as a new trend and pedagogy–they are going to prioritize the interests of the in-group over that of the out group. The aim is to create an anti-racist but more likely to create racism.”[4] My vocabulary changed because of Adrienne’s influence in my life. When we talk about problems of the day, we say, “What are WE going to do about it?” It’s no longer, “What am I going to do about it?”
Speak Freely
Yascha Mounk is challenging how society is attempting to right the wrongs and the reigning norms of mainstream society. By referencing a liberal democracy as an antidote to the dysfunctions caused by Identity Synthesis, he offers us advice to make a difference. Mounk encourages us to speak freely. He admits it can be scary to disagree with your friends and colleagues.[5] I want us to take this thought a step further than just speaking up against Identity Synthesis. Isn’t speaking freely what’s missing from the American Church? Do our circles include different groups who feel the freedom to speak freely within our White circles? If this book has taught me anything, it’s that different groups of people see the world differently, see family differently, see Church differently. When my husband, Brad, and I taught senior seminars for university seniors from 2016-2020, students slowly stopped speaking freely in class when topics like racism came up in the readings. Afterwards, students would tell us personally that they were afraid of the fighting and the response from their peers–a kind of identity trap.
Perhaps we need role models on what speaking freely might be like.
Paul’s words to Timothy come to mind as I reflect on speaking freely. “The servant of The Lord must not participate in quarrels, but must be kind to everyone [even tempered, preserving peace, and [he or she] must be skilled in teaching, patient, and tolerant when wronged. [She or he] must correct those who are in opposition with courtesy and gentleness in the hope that God may grant that they will repent and be led to the knowledge of the truth [accurately understanding and welcoming it], and that they may come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, having been held captive to do his will.”[6]
[1] Apple Podcasts. “Real Life With Pamela Lau on Apple Podcasts.” Accessed January 9, 2024. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/real-life-with-pamela-lau/id1470780826.
[2] “How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.
[3] Redeeming Babel. “The After Party: Toward Better Christian Politics.” https://redeemingbabel.org/the-after-party/.
[4] The Identity Trap: A Conversation with Yascha Mounk, 2023. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DB0SLTl-HQ.
[5] Mounk, Yascha. “The Identity Trap: A Story of Ideas and Power in Our Time.” New York: Penguin Press, 2023.
[6] II Timothy 2: 24-26, Amplified.
About the Author
Pam Lau
Pamela Havey Lau brings more than 25 years of experience in speaking, teaching, writing and mediating. She has led a variety of groups, both small and large, in seminars, trainings, conferences and teachings. Pam’s passion is to see each person communicate with their most authentic voice with a transparent faith in Jesus Christ. With more than 10, 000 hours of writing, researching, and teaching the heart and soul of Pam’s calling comes from decades of walking alongside those who have experienced healing through pain and peace through conflict. As a professor and author, Pam deeply understands the role of mentoring and building bridges from one generation to another. She has developed a wisdom in how to connect leaders with their teams. Her skill in facilitating conversations extends across differences in families, businesses, schools, universities, and nonprofits. Pam specializes in simplifying complex issues and as a business owner, has helped numerous CEOs and leaders communicate effectively. She is the author of Soul Strength (Random House) and A Friend in Me (David C. Cook) and is a frequent contributor to online and print publications. You can hear Pam’s podcast on Real Life with Pamela Lau on itunes. Currently, Pam is a mediator for families, churches, and nonprofits. You can contact Pam through her website: PamelaLau.com. Brad and Pam live in Newberg, Oregon; they have three adult daughters and one son-in-law. One small, vocal dog, Cali lives in the family home where she tries to be the boss! As a family they enjoy worshiping God, tennis, good food and spending time with family and friends.13 responses to “Cross Racial Friendship: Escaping the Identity Trap”
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Pam, I really appreciate you have woven together some of your personal experiences with reflections of some gifted thinkers (Brooks, Chang, French, etc). It is clear you have thought deeply on this topic.
The other thing that stands out to me is how your story reflects the importance of relationship in navigating these areas. How can we give and receive the type of feedback needed to help ourselves and others travel through these tough topics if we have not first invested in the person across the table from us?
In your NPO work, would you say that it is possible to make progress with tough conversations without an established relationship first?
I think you are so right, we need role models to follow as we try to navigate difficult conversations and honest relationships. Thanks for pointing this out and thanks for sharing from your own personal experience as well. Your friendship with Adrienne seems really precious.
Thanks, Kim. Yes. The relationship I share with Adrienne is very precious. I hope you can listen to our podcast sometime. With the space limitation on our blog posts, I could not share many things that I have learned as we’ve walked through life and work together.
Two things:
1. I love how you summarized Mounts work: “In The Identity Trap, Yashcha Mounk explains how a few powerfully bad ideas, propelled through institutions by people with good intentions, are causing systemic mayhem by stifling discourse and vilifying mutual influence as cultural appropriation.” This was a solid summary and so helpful, even for me, who throughly read the entire book and deeply loved it.
2. You referenced David Brook’s newest book, which I declared to be my favorite book of 2023. After reading a total of 152 books his was the best. Sooooooo good. I have skimmed Brook’s works in the past and for some odd reason I determined that it wasn’t for me. Odd, but true. But then I took a flyer on his newest work and it reminded me of what an influential voice he is right now.
Two Responses:
1. I loved the book, too. I am impressed you read every page.
2. Actually, I wasn’t drawn in by David Brook’s first few books. What drew me to him was his in person speaking and his editorials in The Atlantic or New York Times. Isn’t that fascinating that the most personal of his books might be his best work?
Hi Pamela,
Thank you, Thank you for II Timothy 2: 24-26.
This really comes at a time when I am truly upset with fellow board members who are putting up barriers to our efforts to launch GoodSports Ukraine.
On the same day, another board I serve on, asked to be removed from a flyer advertising a discussion on U.S. Immigration Issues. It was too political they said.
I am furious, but this verse is helping me to see how lousy a leader I am. Alas, so far to go.
Mounk’s book actually gave me some advice.
1) Claim the Moral High Ground – Deuteronomy 10:18 (Orphans, Widows and the foreigner amongst us) remains one of the key verses that shape a biblical response to refugees/newcomers.
2) Don’t vilify those who disagree – The symposium is being conducted in Texas, where a fair degree of voters are anti-immigration. On the public stage, the Governor of Texas is bussing and flying immigrants to “sanctuary” cities. This has become a focal point for the immigration discussion in the state. Be quick to listen, slow to speak are nice guide rails for the discussion.
3) Remember that today’s adversaries can become tomorrow’s allies. How can we empower the churches to influence politics on immigration rather than the other way around?
4) Appeal to the Reasonable Majority. Dr. Stu Cocanougher Pastor at the Southcliff Baptist church warned me about confronting churches hostile to immigration. Instead he argued that there large majority of churches who need to be informed and empowered to reach out to newcomers.
5) Make common cause with other opponents of identity synthesis. Although there are 10 U.S. Refugee Resettlement Agencies most have distanced themselves from their religious roots. Nonetheless, it is important to engage with these agencies as they actively are involved in resettling the newcomer.
6) But don’t become a reactionary. Social media has enabled people to become anonymously HOSTILE to everything. Conflict fuels adrenalin and allowing the dialogue to continue in polarization does not serve the newcomer.
TMI.
Shalom
Russell,
Might you reconsider the narrative around your statements of being a lousy leader? On the contrary, I see you as someone advocating for those who might not have a voice. Is it your passion? Your approach? I believe in light of the book we are writing about, you can speak freely about your perspective as it’s not about you–it’s about people who desperately need our attention at this time. Can you imagine the conversations we could have around immigration if asked aloud as leaders, “What is the problem we are trying to solve?” I see you doing that. What do you think is the barrier to you seeing yourself as a good leader?
Hi Pam,
You always ask great questions.
Hmmm….on leadership. I have a tendency to see “no’s” as a challenge. Sometimes I respond to the challenge with patience and love. Sometimes I go “Army” on people. I need to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. No matter how right I feel about this, if I do not have love I am a banging GONG!
Bong!
Shalom
Hi Pam,
Great post! I so agree that one of the best ways to breakdown barriers (or counteract the Identity trap) is by forming real relationships/friendships with ‘others’–It’s much more difficult to demonize ‘those people’ when you are friends with one of them!
On another note, you ask: Isn’t speaking freely what’s missing from the American Church?
And I would say YES…precisely because the Christian community in North America is operating in similar ways to the culture. In other words: the Identity Trap is alive and well in our churches! In fact, we have more to disagree about! Even if our churches are separated by political persuasion or responses to vaccines, we can still separate further: Reformed or not, Egalitarian or Complimentarian, Cessationist or not, 7-day creation or not…the list of non-essentials that we identify with and divide over goes on and on…and with it, the church loses the opportunity to demonstrate a better way–the way of the Kingdom.
Within this kind of ecclesiological environment, is it any wonder that honest dialogue and freedom of speech is diminished or even non-existent?
I think it’s one of the important things for the evangelical church to re-learn: to create appropriate environments for honest, exploratory, vulnerable, questioning conversations to take place for real connection and mutual learning. If not in the church….where?
First, WELCOME BACK! Scott~
I’ve missed our sparrings here on the blogpost! What I really want to ask you is what do you think it would take to have a variety of people groups come to the same church? Do I really need to live in another state to feel at home in the diverse way God created us?
I am nearly speechless after reading your post! Thank you for modeling compassion and courage! I need to listen to that podcast. Once again, thank you, Pam, for being a model of authentic leadership.
Todd,
I would love to talk with you after you listen to the podcast to hear your thoughts and feelings and impressions of what we both hold so dearly. Thanks for your kind words.