Leading our Families
After a little more than a year of doctoral studies in leadership, I don’t suppose we’re experts yet, but I do think we can draw a few solid conclusions. Can we all agree that a good approach to God-honoring leadership might be:
1. Leading by means of compelling vision
2. Maintaining an unimpeachable character
3. Influencing rather than leading by tyrannical control
Jules Glanzer certainly thinks so. He calls them the three “frequencies” of Kingdom leadership.
1. “Kingdom leaders seek God’s kingdom rather than build their own empire.” [1] (A vision doesn’t get much more compelling than God’s kingdom.)
2. “Kingdom leaders influence rather than control.” [2]
3. “Kingdom leaders work from inside out rather than outside in.” [3] (Does that remind anyone else of Simon Walker’s Leading Out of Who You Are? Glanzer elsewhere calls it leading “without a note of hypocrisy.” [4])
Glanzer’s book very well may be my favorite leadership book we’ve read thus far. Its principles were clear and linear and easily applicable. It’s also true that its principles, each and every one, were equally applicable to my NPO and area of research – parenting. This book connected the dots between leadership and parenting in a new way for me. From here on out, I will quote Glanzer’s book replacing the word “leader” with “parent”, “leadership” with “parenting”, etc.
“[Parenting] is being that results in doing.” [5] In my journey as a young parent I was quickly confronted with my own sin as I found myself overwhelmed with impatience, resentment, and anger. Up until becoming a parent, I could pretty much manage all that ugliness and keep it hidden from others. But the sleep deprivation and the 24-7 nature of parenting meant I had nowhere left to hide and no internal resources to even try. This experience of seeing my own sin and not liking what I saw set me on a journey of transformation made possible only by the Holy Spirit. My “being” had to change first so that my “doing” could then change.
This calls to mind Simon Walker’s analogy of the front stage and the backstage. [6] While I could maybe keep my inner ugliness hidden on the backstage, thus invisible to anyone in my “public life,” there’s no hiding the backstage from our families. There is no more down-and-dirty venue in which to work out your theology and all the Fruit which the Spirit has (hopefully) worked in your life than in the context of family.
I am by no means the first to connect these ideas to parenting. Kara Powell at the Fuller Youth Institute emphasizes the need to open up and show our children how genuine our faith is and how it affects our life. She goes so far as to say that this is one of the most important factors determining whether a young adult sticks with his or her faith. [7]
“Given this relationship between who we are and how we lead, tending to matters of the heart is the [parent’s] first priority. The song you are composing requires you understand yourself, cultivate good character, and identify the values that are important to you.” [8] The farther I go down the rabbit hole of this NPO research the more obvious it becomes. Parenting is modeling. Our attitudes and actions shape our children’s worldview and become their “normal”. Every parent needs to ask themselves, “Am I modeling the attitudes, behaviors, etc. that I want my children to adopt?” The answer is likely no to some extent, but we need not be overwhelmed by guilt. We need only to “tend to matters of the heart” and “cultivate good character” and “identify the values that are important to you.” In this way we can parent by influence rather than parent by controlling our children.
In the interest of discussion, I will finish with a few more adapted Glanzer quotes and perhaps you all could comment if they speak to your journey as parents.
“An effective [parent] can hear and discern the many voices while at the same time call other voices into a harmonious sound of imagining and creating the future.” [9]
“Listen, See, Learn, Do, Love. These five words are the scale from which all [parenting] happens.” [10]
“The actions taken may or may not be popular. The truth is, if you want to make everyone happy, sell ice cream. If you want to participate in what God is doing in the world, then respond to the call by taking action to fill God’s world with his music.” [11]
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1 Jules Glanzer, The Sound of Leadership: Kingdom Notes to Fine Tune Your Life and Influence (Invite Press, 2023) Kindle location 1642.
2 Ibid., Kindle location 1666.
3 Ibid., Kindle location 1682.
4 Ibid., Kindle location 962.
5 Ibid., Kindle location 903.
6 Simon P. Walker, Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership, (Piquant, 2007).
7 “The Holy Post : Episode 171: ‘Sticky Faith’ with Guest Kara Powell!,” accessed November 15, 2022, https://thephilvischerpodcast.libsyn.com/episode-171-sticky-faith-with-guest-kara-powell
8 Jules Glanzer, The Sound of Leadership: Kingdom Notes to Fine Tune Your Life and Influence (Invite Press, 2023) Kindle location 950.
9 Ibid. Kindle location 249.
10 Ibid., Kindle location 316.
11 Ibid., Kindle location 364.
About the Author
Kim Sanford
7 responses to “Leading our Families”
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HA! Yes, the last quote about if we want to make everyone happy we should sell ice cream definitely speaks to parenting!
I’ve been parenting teenagers now for the last seven years and I am still struggling to find my footing! First of all, each kid is different (duh) so that once you think you’ve found your way, the next one comes along and forces you to change direction. Second of all, there are so many voices speaking into my teen’s lives and my life as well – it becomes difficult to discern which voice(s) I want my teen and myself to listen to. Of course, I want us to listen to God’s voice but sometimes even that becomes difficult to discern. I also struggle with not wanting to push church/God/spirituality on them while also hoping it will be a priority in their lives. Right now, I cannot say it is a priority….ugh. Of course, that is partly a result of their ages but I had to take a pause when I read Kara Powell’s comment about showing our children how genuine our own faith is. Again, when parenting teens who roll their eyes at anything I say, who know better than everyone else, who cringe when I walk in the room (my fifteen year old), talking about or even “doing” faith in front of them becomes, well, for lack of a better word, a $h1tshow. And yet, I know, it is formative for them to witness their parents practice their faith. Also, can we (at some point, not in this response because it is already too long) talk about how living out faith is made even harder when you are TIRED? I mean, you talk about how our families see our backstage, right? Well, I think about how I slog through a rote prayer each night with my 6th grader just so I can check it off the list because by 9pm I am too tired to actually pray…and even that is going away as she enters adolescence and becomes too prickly at that point of the evening.
Anyway, I will stop now, but thank you for helping me to read this book in light of parenting as well as leadership in the church. And thank you for letting me vent my way through my response. I actually really love parenting teenagers – I so enjoy watching them grow into who they are becoming and finding their own footing in the world. And I truly do love their snarky remarks…as long as they are not aimed at me.
My hand is raised in agreement with a good approach to God-honoring leadership being:
1. Leading by means of compelling vision
2. Maintaining an unimpeachable character
3. Influencing rather than leading by tyrannical control
It certainly is how I have been (and currently am) trying to lead in my local and global contexts. Just this last weekend, in addressing a tough subject, I offered an appropriate level of humble transparency, and actually referred to “front stage and back stage” ironically from A STAGE.
I think Glazner (and others, including Walker) give us such a great example of how to do that. I am grateful and found it to be such a timely resource.
Kim, you wrote, “Every parent needs to ask themselves, “Am I modeling the attitudes, behaviors, etc. that I want my children to adopt?” The answer is likely no to some extent, but we need not be overwhelmed by guilt.” I smiled as I read that, as it was only three nights ago that my wife and I (now empty nesters, though our daughter moved back in as she finishes college) had some dear friends over for dinner. We were commenting on how our daughter seems to be working WAY too much, working in a new full-time job while also continuing another “side” job. I voiced my concern. Our friends laughed and pointed at me, because it’s exactly what I STILL do in my own career. I have my main job and my side hustle. I then thought to myself, “Maybe I shouldn’t be too concerned.” After all, didn’t we read last semester Austin Kleon’s take on side hustles? Kleon wrote, “Side Projects…Are Important.” (Kleon, Steal Like An Artist, 62-63) Your post was such a great reminder that as a parent, especially with our daughter currently living with us, we still have a huge stewardship that involves influence. And my hope is that we do consider the continued opportunity to raise up signposts in our actions that point to the kingdom of God (you quoted Glanzer: “Kingdom leaders influence rather than control.”) Great post.
Great personal connection, Travis. Interestingly, just yesterday my husband and I were talking about modeling for our kids and how nobody really changes for the long-term unless they are internally motivated. I’m working on a whole section of parenting material that is about influencing instead of controlling. And that starts a lot younger than most parents think!
Italian Gelato is my favorite kind of ice cream. Eating Gelato on the rocks of Vernazza, Cinque Terra in Italy overlooking the Med with my kids makes gelato the perfect experience.
Ahh parenting. I have been saying on my facebook page that Husband and Father are the two best jobs in the universe.
Saying and living it are two different things. When Glazer asks about my “legacy” and how I am remembered, I have to say I see many mistakes. But, my kids still talk to me (all 3 are 22 years of age), all are on a strong faith journey.
I shudder when I think about the tragedy this year of my leadership in Hungary. Still licking my wounds. But, when I look at my kids I have to sigh and say…”Good job God.” Maybe I had something to do with it, maybe my parenting/leadership worked.
I promise to do better as a GRANDFATHER!
Shalom…
I have been asked to present to a group of mothers next month and I am racking my brain this morning as I try to map out what I want to tell them. Your post gave me some inspiration, so THANK YOU! This quote: “An effective [parent] can hear and discern the many voices while at the same time call other voices into a harmonious sound of imagining and creating the future” summarizes one of the points that I was trying to come up with.
I like plugging “parent” in there. It seems that at work, this truism takes on a slightly different flavor than it does at home. I remember when my kids were little I felt needled by all the voices telling me the “shoulds” of parenting. Some came from my immediate circle, but others came from the glut of books and radio shows selling their “10 steps to solve whatever ails your household” methodologies. Realizing that part of my job was to deploy these ideas as I prayerfully discerned appropriate, rather than blindly following advice from someone who had never met me or my kiddos was a freeing exercise for me.
Kim! Kim!! Kim!!! Ooohhhh, so good, encouraging, and challenging. I love how you connected Mrs. Powell to your blog and the importance of being vulnerable. You definitely demonstrated that throughout your blog. Based upon your insightful blog I have a question for you to ponder on and not really respond to. You wrote in your blog,”Up until becoming a parent, I could pretty much manage all that ugliness and keep it hidden from others.”
What made you think and/or believe it was better to MANAGE all that ugliness and keep it hidden from others instead of revealing that ugliness to others for them to see you deep down inside?