PRICELESS
How many times have you found yourself towering over a little one who is begging for your listening ear? Daddy, daddy? Mommy, mommy? Mrs. Glei. . . ? Listening is a way to show respect and honor to another person. Kids 
when they are or are not being listened to. When I think about how many students come to school, just wanting to be heard and the number of young adults who just want someone to listen, especially when they are deconstructing their faith, it raises my awareness to the priority of how to speak so that people listen and how to listen so that people feel heard.
After reading the book How to Be Heard by Julian Treasure, I have been thinking a lot about the four leeches of speaking and the underlying emotion that drives them. . . fear. As I coach teachers and staff in the public school setting, I have the opportunity to prepare and present professional development sessions. In my ministry context, I facilitate team meetings and trainings and engage in all sorts of speaking venues. I recognize areas in my speaking where the language I use has become degraded, as Treasure writes, “Language gets degraded if we frequently use words that are over-strong in order to impress (i.e. if pizza is awesome, how do you describe a stunning sunset?).” [1] So I have been doing a little archaeology of my speaking. I have been trying to consciously remove the intensifiers like “really”, “very”, “super”, “cool” or “awesome”. It has been very challenging, as the author stated it would be.
Another leech, sucking the life out of my speaking (oops. . .an embellishment snuck in there), is competitive speaking. In a desire to connect and share stories, I occasionally will add a personal story. [2] In leading small groups, we encourage this form of engagement and encourage the sharing of stories as a way to get to know others. This particular leech may depend on the context of the speaking environment. Certainly, adding personal stories is crucial for some venues of speaking and not advised for times when someone is pouring out their greatest trauma.
However, the current work in which I feel God’s pleasure the most, is in the area of one to one coaching cycles and one to one discipleship opportunities involving listening. From five year olds, college students or senior saints, I enjoy listening and have worked very hard at it. Much of my training as a coach has been in the area of listening. Eve Poole, in her book titled Leadersmithing: Revealing the Trade Secrets of Leadership, compares listening to the visual effect used on movies referred to as “
bullet time”. It allows the audience to ‘walk around’ an event happening in slow motion.
The listener puts on a posture of listening, with eye contact being the first step. Poole admonishes leaders to give full attention and mentally ‘walk around’ to stay focused. [3] The ability to be an active listener takes discipline and practice, especially with the challenges of becoming easily distraction by all that the world has to offer. I recollect times when my kindergarten students were bursting with stories and information to share with me. This very important social skill is developed over time. When I taught Kindergarten, my kiddos practiced “whole body” listening. 1) Eyes looking. 2) Ears listening. 3) Mouth closed. 4) Body calm. 5) Brain thinking. Teaching skills like “whole body listening” is one way in which young, growing listeners develop their listening skills.
The challenge for myself, as a listener, is to be aware of the AGENTS of miscommunication in my listening, specifically the assumptions that are present when I am listening. If I live in a system that, by default, breeds delusion, then there are many things that I am wrong about. [4] Kathryn Schultz, author of Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error, states “when we are aware that we could be wrong, we are far more inclined to hear other people out.” [5]
“Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.” Proverbs 19:20
I concur with Julian Treasure that “there are billions of people on this planet who have never had the experience of being properly listened to – that is, when the other person stops their world for a while and devotes 100 percent of their time and attention to the act of listening.” [6] What if followers of Jesus stopped their (my) world, for a while and simply listened, whether it be to savor, to hear silence or listen reverentially? I love that God’s ear is attentive to me and that He engages with us through listening and speaking. It is a priceless gift. I don’t want to miss one word. In conclusion, consider these lyrics from the song “I’m Listening” by Chris McClarney:
When You speak, confusion fades
Just a word and suddenly I’m not afraid
Cause You speak and freedom reigns
There is hope in every single word You say
I don’t wanna miss one word You speak.
Cause everything You say is life to me.
I don’t want to miss one word You speak
Quiet my heart, I’m listening.
PRICELESS!!!
[1] Julian Treasure, How to be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening (Coral Gables, FL: Mango Publishing Group, 2017), 54-55.
[2] Ibid, 54.
[3] Eve Poole, Leadersmithing: Revealing the Trade Secrets of Leadership (London: Bloomsbury Publishing Plc, 2017), 87-88.\
[4] Bobby Duffy, Why We’re Wrong About NEarly Everything (New York: Hachette Book Group, 2018), 17.
[5] Kathryn Schultz, Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error (New York: HarperCollins, 2010), 310.
[6] Treasure, 91.
About the Author
Cathy Glei
Cathy Glei serves as an instructional leader and pastor with over 27 years in education and ministry. She is dedicated to discipling others as they grow in their relationship with God, others and the world. Cathy has facilitated numerous professional development sessions, trainings, and workshops in both education and ministry. Passionate about supporting others in uncovering the Creator's design within them, Cathy lives in Michigan with her husband, Steve, and their eight-year-old Springer Spaniel, Otis. Cathy is a mother of three daughters and "Gooma" (grandma) to two adorable grandsons (emphasis on adorable 😊). She enjoys listening and exchanging laughter and stories with others, hanging out with friends, both old and new, as well as being outdoors, enjoying activities such as cycling, camping, hiking, and kayaking.8 responses to “PRICELESS”
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Hi Cathy,
I love your post. I was particularly impacted by this, “I have been trying to consciously remove the intensifiers like “really”, “very”, “super”, “cool” or “awesome”. Oh, my word, it is so hard to remove the intensifiers, especially “awesome”…I love the word! I appreciate you highlighting this portion of the book, I was focused on the maximisers. There are so many good nuggets in the book. It is definitely one that I will return to.
I loved so many things about your post! Like you, my heart goes out to those little ones begging for a listening ear. One of our mantras throughout our kids’ early years was, “Everyone likes to feel heard.” It was a necessary reminder to avoid interrupting, to reply in an honoring way, and to use “whole body listening” as you call it. I love the 5 elements of whole body listening that you bring out.
Your last paragraph reminds me of a church planter, Dietrich Schindler, who talks about offering a ministry of listening, specifically to those who do not yet know Jesus. He suggests scheduling at least one hour per week to meet up and listen to someone who needs that “listening ear” as you said.
“there are billions of people on this planet who have never had the experience of being properly listened to – that is, when the other person stops their world for a while and devotes 100 percent of their time and attention to the act of listening.” Ugh. Guilty.
I love the “whole body listening” you used with kindergarteners. I’d like to implement that in myself (as well as teach it to my teenagers and while I’m at it, a few church members too.) What an important skill to learn for the healing of our world. If we all listened so that others felt truly heard I think we could do a lot of healing, a lot of reconciliation.
Hi Cathy,
This line was a blast from my past, “…“whole body” listening. 1) Eyes looking. 2) Ears listening. 3) Mouth closed. 4) Body calm. 5) Brain thinking. Teaching skills like “whole body listening” is one way in which young, growing listeners develop their listening skills.” When I was an elementary school counselor I was in the classroom teaching used the 2nd STEP Curriculum. It was so much fun doing activities that taught students to listen, be self-aware of their emotions, and empathetic to others. You noted the AGENTS of Miscommunication, specifically assumptions. It is so easy to react based on assumptions. I appreciated the example that Treasure used with the gentleman walking into the hotel and the bellman asking to take his bag. Even kind acts can be misinterpreted and that can be alarming for the one offering help or a listening ear. The narratives we hold are very powerful. What helps you check your assumptions and respond well?
“What if followers of Jesus stopped their (my) world, for a while and simply listened, whether it be to savor, to hear silence or listen reverentially?”
Indeed.
I would guess that we would be much more effective ministering to those we are here to serve, and would have less polarization that is plaguing our world today. Great inspirational thought, Cathy!
Loved the Neo pic from the Matrix. Having read Joseph Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey, I’ll never be able to watch that film the same way, but I digress.
Thanks for including the quote from Kathryn Schultz, stating, “when we are aware that we could be wrong, we are far more inclined to hear other people out.” This is why I think organizations and their infrastructure, despite the slowness of how they operate (I often prefer my side hustle which allows me to — almost — be a solo entrepreneur with great agility) are helpful because the employ system 2 processes to correct the errors I am prone to make, often because I didn’t listen consciously, with system 1 thinking.
I would like to remove the intensifiers from my sentences, and I am consciously going to do that this weekend. Thanks for addressing that! I think I will share that part of your blog post with a couple of family members to hold me accountable to do so.
I would love to learn more about your work coaching teachers and staff in a public school setting, too! That sounds rewarding.
Cathy, 2 comments.
1. But I LOVE intensifiers… I know they degrade speech, but I am so excited about life I can’t help it. It’s one of the things I’m wrestling with in my journey towards authentic leadership and communication; I want to be like a child who doesn’t hold back their awe and wonder about the world, but I also want to be an effective communicator. 🙂
2. I was struck by the thought too that if followers of Christ would learn to listen 100% to others who have never been listened to that we could literally change the world…or at least someone’s life.
And wouldn’t THAT be AWESOME?!?!?
I agree with your telling personal stories. I have a job of listening a lot too, but sometimes listening has to start with speaking a little. Revealing a little of self to create trust or rapport. I have this book I was given as a parent, “Talk so your children will Listen… Listen so your children will talk”. it seems like what your are saying that a well placed anecdote or story and measured vulnerability can open a whole line of listening. Cathy, I appreciate your joy and calming presence so much in our cohort and peer group. How have you experienced listening in coaching with stories told, those of non-trauma and those with trauma? Do you think listening changes when it’s someone with trauma speaking? And how?