“Look at me and Listen!”
As a young mom, my ability to multi-task had become a way of life and something I prided myself in. We were a household of six. My life was a constant flow of ministry, music teaching, and keeping up with family needs. We loved life and enjoyed the journey, but my mind was a distracted mess. I remember a particular day when my youngest daughter, Melanie, had something very important to tell me, at least important to her little 6-year-old mind. As I continued to clean up, she finally insisted on making me sit on the couch and grabbed my face with both hands, and said “Mommy. Look at me and listen!” Even a six-year-old knows what “continuous partial attention” feels like and knows when your eyes and ears aren’t listening. “Truly listening requires all of your attention.” [1] Had I stopped to use my “Systems 2 Thinking”[2] here, I might have begun to realize that not only were the rhythms of my life not conducive to developing my listening skills, but they were also not conducive to nurturing important relationships.
Julian Treasure in his book, “How to be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening,” delves into the powerful, necessary skill of speaking and listening.[3] He begins by defining how sound affects us and then seeks to prove the need for much greater intentional focus and improvement. His outcome claims are that of happiness, effectiveness, and well-being.[4] Knowing how important it is to be seen and heard, I wholeheartedly agree with Treasure’s claims.
Listening is a powerful force. As I grow daily in my listening skills as a coach, I am always so intrigued at how deep and active listening sparks deep trust and engagement from my clients. Active listening is one of the ICF’s (International Coach Federation) core competencies: Listening actively “focuses on what the client is and is not saying to fully understand what is being communicated in the context of the client systems and to support client self-expression.”[5] Treasure highlights what it means to listen consciously, noting that this is a deeper awareness in listening that gives a whole new level of life to what you hear.[6] He distinguishes between three types of listening:
- Outer listening is where we are listening for what is in our immediate context[7]
- Inner listening is where one focuses on the inner voice in our heads.[8]
- Created listening where others merge their experiences with us and their own individual listening and co-create what they hear you saying.[9]
Treasure’s third type of listening was an interesting perception of how others formulate their listening of us. He admonishes the reader to “take responsibility for the listening you create through your actions and your words.”[10] I will have to give this more thought as I contemplate the listening I co-create for others.
These three types of listening remind me of the three types of listening we teach about in coach training regarding the coach as the listener. It is found in the book “Co-Active Coaching” by Henry Kimsey-House, et al:[11]
- Level 1: Internal Listening – where we listen purely for our own needs and awareness. It is self-focused and allows a great deal of inner-mind chatter. (Example – Listening to a guide at a museum)
- Level 2: Focused Listening – where we listen and focus on the other person with less mind chatter (Example – two lovers listening to each other in a conversation at a restaurant)
- Level 3: Global listening – where our listening so engages with the other person that all of what is spoken and not-spoken come into play. One’s intuition is highly engaged, and the conversation outcome gives deep awareness for transformation. (Example – a coaching session with a skilled coach)
With Level 3, in a secular sense, we use our intuition to listen; however, in a spiritual sense, we engage the Holy Spirit in our listening. Tom Comacho in “Mining for Gold” notes “In deep listening, we allow the conversation to go wherever the leader (client) and the Holy Spirit want to take it.”[12]
Julian Treasure has sparked much to think about and implement regarding all things sound. This will be a “return to” book for me.
“To answer before listening— that is folly and shame.” (Proverbs 18:13, NIV)[13]
[1] Julian Treasure, How to Be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening (Coral Gables, FL: Mango Publishing Group, 2017). 38.
[2] Daniel Kahneman, Thinking, Fast and Slow, 1st edition (New York: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2013), 22-23.
[3] Julian Treasure, How to Be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening..
[4] Ibid, 15-20.
[5] “Updated ICF Core Competencies,” n.d.
[6] Julian Treasure, How to Be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening, 111.
[7] Ibid, 110-117.
[8] Ibid, 117-120.
[9] Ibid, 120-122.
[10]Ibid, 122.
[11] Henry Kimsey-House et al., Co-Active Coaching: The Proven Framework for Transformative Conversations at Work and in Life, Fourth edition (Boston, MA: Nicholas Brealey Publishing, 2018), 40-47.
[12] Tom Comacho, Mining for Gold: Developing Kingdom Leaders through Coaching (La Vergne: IVP, 2019), 64.
[13] “The Top Bible Verses about Listening in Scripture,” biblestudytools.com, accessed April 19, 2023, https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/bible-verses-about-listening/.
About the Author
Esther Edwards
Esther has served in ministry leadership for over 35 years. She is an ordained minister, an ICF and CCLC certified coach, and licensed coach trainer. Her and her husband have launched their own coaching practice, Enjoy the Journey Leadership Coaching and seek to train ministry leaders in the powerful skill of coaching. Esther loves hiking, reading, and experiencing new coffee shops with friends and family. She enjoys the journey with her husband, Keith, their four daughters, sons-in-law, and their five beautiful grandchildren.9 responses to ““Look at me and Listen!””
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Esther, this post is wonderful. I enjoyed it from start to finish. This statement, “Truly listening requires all of your attention.” caused me to pause. Honestly, I feel a little bit of guilt. I often, especially this year, answer my kid’s questions while I am typing. And I often miss some things. Thank you for the reminder.
Jonita- Life is busy, so I can so relate even though my life is in a different season now without kids at home. My poor husband is the recipient now! It is a continual process of growing in this area.
“Global listening – where our listening so engages with the other person that all of what is spoken and not-spoken come into play. One’s intuition is highly engaged, and the conversation outcome gives deep awareness for transformation.”
This is such a great descriptor, Esther. Who wouldn’t want to have such an interaction with someone? In your experience, do you find that you are always able to get to this level, or only sometimes?
That is such a good question, Jen. Coaching has certainly made me much more aware of Level 3 listening but it is a skill that takes full awareness and an “entering in” to another person’s world. For me, I lived life with distracted listening that it has been a gradual retraining of how to listen, so the answer is, no, I am not always able to listen to that level, however, when I do, the outcome is so impactful. I would say I am in the “conscious competence” stage but am growing towards the “unconscious competence” stage as Julian Treasure mentions on p. 209. This greater intentionality in listening has also caused me to listen more carefully to the voice of the Holy Spirit in my prayer times. It’s amazing how healthy rhythms spill over to all areas of life.
Good connection to Kimsey-House and Camacho. I wrote in my post about the French communication style where you have to read between the lines of what is said to grasp the speaker’s intended meaning. Your last paragraph gave me an “aha” moment – I’d never before thought to actually pray for the Holy Spirit’s help in that “reading between the lines” moment. From now on I will pray for the Spirit’s help to understand the speaker’s intended meaning and also understand what God wants me to hear in a given conversation. Thanks, Esther!
You’re welcome, Kim!
I am so blessed to be in this cohort with you. Your blogs always connect so many dots.
Your comment makes me realize again that the Holy Spirit is always working and with us, but when we become more intentionally aware, our understanding of what He is doing is heightened.
Hi Esther, I enjoyed your post. Thank you for highlighting created listening. You wrote, “He admonishes the reader to ‘take responsibility for the listening you create through your actions and your words.'” The concept of created listening was interesting for me as well. If I understand what Treasure is identifying, I believe that is what I see happening in the therapy groups I facilitate. When women come together to share painful experiences they are creating a new way of listening to themselves through the listening of others, and create new narratives for everyone. Actions like attentiveness and words of validation and empathy seem to contribute to a new way of listening. Do you think that is an example of created listening, or am I not understanding? You mentioned you were giving this some thought too. What examples of created listening are you pondering? I think there is a lot of potential for connection with this form of listening.
Esther, you wrote, “As I grow daily in my listening skills as a coach, I am always so intrigued at how deep and active listening sparks deep trust and engagement from my clients.” I resonated with this, because I know from experience as a coach/consultant over the past decade (my side hustle!) how deep/active listening does indeed build trust, and I think this is what our clients have probably noted that has caused them to consistently provide referrals for our services. However, I feel like this is an arena that I need to improve, in the next chapter of my career. How else have you consciously sought to exercise/improve that part of your coaching services? Is there something you are doing differently today than you did, say 10 years ago? I also wonder if you will be including this sort of thing as a part of your pathway with your NPO. My wife and I are looking forward to reading your dissertation by the way — we’d love to learn from your learnings and expertise.
Travis,
Listening is an ongoing work in progress for me. I know I have come along way, but continue to try to be more aware of my own attention to others, whether professionally or casually. There is a much longer road to go for having been such a distracted listener…
To answer your questions:
1. How else have you consciously sought to exercise/improve that part of your coaching services?
What has helped me the most is simply continuing to craft the skill of coaching and listening, one client at a time. Referrals really are the most helpful as transformation happens in people’s lives.
Above that, as we became coach trainers last year through https://coachapproachministries.org so many more connections opened up for us. Would love to tell you about all that sometime.
2. Is there something you are doing differently today than you did, say 10 years ago?
Personally, I have implemented more silence retreats and become more reflective regarding all of life. For an achiever, this can be difficult, but there has been a “coming to the end of myself” in the last few years. Education and coaching have brought a greater sense of purpose and confidence as well.