Mama’s Parting Gift to Me
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk teaches the reader how to get through a traumatic past and the difficulties that result from that past. In reading this book, I noted four lessons that I would like to briefly discuss, and then I’ll finish with a personal application.
Lesson One
There is a definite connection between the brain and the body. When the body is threatened, the amygdala is triggered. In his book, Dr. Van der Kolk calls the amygdala the brain’s smoke detector. [2] The amygdala is a collection of cells that are near the base of the brain. [3] It is where emotions are given meaning. [4] When a person is threatened, the amygdala automatically activates the fight-or-flight response. [5] There is clearly a link between the body and the brain.
Lesson Two
Trauma causes physical symptoms. Being traumatized means to be trapped in a prolonged state of emotional reactivity. This can change the body’s functions. It can lead to many different serious symptoms, such as migraine headaches, fibromyalgia, or chronic pain, just to name a few. [6] Dr. Van der Kolk suggests the remedy for this is to practice mindfulness. [7] Practicing mindfulness means to be present and involved in whatever it is you are currently doing. Examples are yoga and meditation. [8]
Lesson Three
Being traumatized does not just mean a person is stuck in the past. It also means they are not fully in the present. [9] This presents itself as the person being emotionally detached at times. Or, intense reactions from the past are played out in the present where they don’t belong. [10] This can make the person feel embarrassed or even disconnected from others as a result. [11]
Lesson Four
Positive relationships are the key to our emotional well-being. Dr. Van der Kolk stated, “Our attachment bonds are our greatest protection against threats.” It’s all about building positive, encouraging relationships with one another. That’s what helps us as humans heal from our traumatic pasts.
Personal Application
I have dealt with a number of traumatic events in my life. Some are just too personal and painful to write about in a blog. I’ve written before that my mother had early onset Alzheimer’s. She came to live me the last eight years of her life. It was difficult watching my vibrant, fun-loving mother change before my eyes. The traumatic part of the story, for me, was the last week of her life. She got pneumonia and could no longer swallow. I sat beside her bed day and night, holding her hand, waiting for the Lord to take her home to Him. It was hard to watch… and exhausting. She hadn’t been able to speak to me in over a year. The moment when her breathing changed, I leaned in to her to kiss her goodbye. She took a final breath and whispered in my ear, “I love you”. It was gift from God. It’s been four years, almost five, and I still see her laying in that bed, dying. It hurts my heart. I have to remind myself she’s young, vivacious, and happy again in God’s presence! And when I see her again, it won’t be in that bed. She will be completely whole. Praise God!
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[1] Van der Kolk, Bessel A. 2015. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York, NY: Penguin Books.
[2] Ibid, p.60.
[3] Olivia Guy Evans, “Amygdala Function and Location,” Simply Psychology.org, February 8, 2023, Link.
[4] Ibid.
[5] Ibid.
[6] Van der Kolk, Bessel A. 2015. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York, NY: Penguin Books.
[7] Ibid, p.298-310.
[8] Ibid, see pages 265-310.
[9] Ibid.
[10] Ibid.
[11] Ibid.
About the Author
Tonette Kellett
Missionary, teacher, Bible student, traveler ... Having lived in Kenya and Korea, I now live in Mississippi and work with the Mississippi Band of Choctaw Indians.8 responses to “Mama’s Parting Gift to Me”
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Tonette – As difficult as it must have been for you, I’m so glad you had that time with your mom as she fell asleep in Jesus. Per the author’s suggestions for processing trauma, did you have a supportive group of family and friends to help you grieve the loss of your mom?
Laura,
I’m thankful for that time with my mom to say goodbye as well. Thank you for your question. I do have a good support group around me that I know the Lord has placed in my life. And my family is strong together as well – we just live in different directions these days.
Tonette, thank you for sharing this story with us. What an incredibly difficult thing to witness and what an amazing gift to have heard those words from your mom at that time.
I’m wondering how you might intentionally build positive, healing relationships in your community and/or in your job.
Caleb,
Thank you for your question. This year has been very tough particularly because of the suicides and attempted suicides of our teens. The book spoke specifically about trauma children face and ways to be real and present with them during these times. Together with those in my church and in my school, we are striving to be Christ’s love to the kids every day in a way they can see and feel. We want them to feel valued and important. And as the author says, for each and every one of them to be seen and heard every day of their lives.
Tonette,
I struggle to find words for my comments.
I’d love to sit and look through family pictures with you. I would love to hear about your family and who your mother was. It would be good to hear about the memories that would come from looking at your family pictures. Maybe some would make us cry and some would make us laugh.
Thank you for sharing about your mother and how you were able to serve her faithfully as her daughter.
Tonette – the trauma that I experienced at bedside with my grandfather is what made this book unbelievably hard. I know I will never be the same.
Thank you for sharing your story with us! I know that even though you wont ever be the same either after going through that… you and I figure out each day how to live life for them instead of with them.
Its such a hard transition! I admire you for taking care of your mom for so long! What a gift!
Tonette,
I haven’t experienced this type of loss and I feel inadequate trying to put into words any expression of condolences. However, I have felt utter devastation as a result of a break in a relationship and I know that it was in those moments that the unquenchable and unsearchable love of God comforted me and brought me through. I can celebrate with you the gift you received from God.
Thank you for sharing and thank God for the gift. He is truly amazing and knows what we need. Did you get a chance to see anything back to your mother?