Rare and Generous Gifts
“The first duty of love is to listen.”
Paul Tillich
In How to be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening, author Julian Treasure highlighted how sound permeates every moment of my day. What I hear contributes to my emotional state. Taking time to consciously listen produced joy when I paused to listen to the first birdsong of spring, the delicate tones of my wind chime catching a gentle breeze, my husband humming an old church song, and the silence shared with others during Good Friday service. Other sounds caused worry such as when I heard the alarming sirens of firetrucks racing to an accident, the anguished cries of a distraught child, and discouraging news on the radio. I am noticing how often the sounds I hear move me to gratitude and prayer. I long to hear what is truly important and to listen well to the people I encounter.
Treasure writes that listening to another person, “… is a rare and most generous gift.”[1] I want to be the giver of that gift. Listening is hard work. I frequently catch my thoughts wandering and must refocus. I am not so fussy about how well others speak. I hear many disjointed and rambling stories, the speaker apologetic but clearly in pain or excitement, processing verbally what has never been spoken aloud. I don’t want to miss the essence of the person speaking because I am distracted or too busy. I love when I am fully engaged, consciously listening, unconcerned about my response, and present to the other person. Some of my favorite conversations have been when I barely spoke a word. This week I heard the loneliness of not having a friend, the disappointment and grief of a loss, and the incredible hurt of betrayal. It’s challenging to listen to so much pain. I hope I listened well. The freedom and safety to speak is also a rare and generous gift. I need to receive that gift as well.
The premise of Julian Treasure’s book is, “…it’s hard to be a great, powerful speaker if you don’t listen, or to be a great listener if you can’t articulate your own thoughts.”[2] Treasure makes the important point that these two communication skills of listening and speaking go hand in hand. I’m glad he started with listening. I work hard at being a better listener and have numerous tools which support my efforts. I have always been told that I am a good listener. I hope that’s true. However, speaking is not my strong point, publicly and at times privately. I wonder how much I hide behind listening. Part of that maybe the result of a false belief that no one is listening anyway. I discovered I am not alone in that thought. I haven’t considered that improving my speaking could help my listening. That motivates me to not only listen consciously, but to speak consciously.[3] I need to give my resistance to speaking up more serious thought as this has likely hindered my ability to lead. I am mindful that I must practice the same vulnerability I am inviting others to when they open their hearts to me. Simon Walker explained how the backstage could be a place of safety which keeps the front stage small.[4] I can be guarded with my thoughts and feelings, usually out of fear of being misunderstood or burdening others with my problems. It takes trust and safety for me to risk speaking up or to share my story. As Treasure says, “…a balance between these two skills is essential.”[5] I want the right balance.
Treasure identified four cornerstones of powerful speaking. The acronym H.A.I.L. stands for: Honesty, Authenticity, Integrity, and Love. Vulnerability to speak in such a way is risky if others do not know how to listen. One component of my NPO project is creating platforms for ministry leaders to experience generous listening. I want to design safe, intimate spaces in which ministry leaders feel seen, accepted, and loved. Treasure writes, “Intimacy requires honesty and deep knowledge of another, which can only come with listening.” In relationships we all long to be heard, understood, and valued.[6] My stakeholders identified these needs for themselves during the discovery workshop, shared concerns about their fears of being judged when sharing, and the need for instruction in listening. During the pastor’s conference at which I held the workshop, I spoke on listening. Afterwards, all female ministry leaders were given the opportunity to share with the group the story of their ministry calling and the challenges they faced. I was asked to share first, giving others the gift of going second. My private story was shared publicly for the first time with those I trusted. It was a beautiful time for all of us. Joseph Campbell’s book, The Hero with a Thousand Faces, reminded me that everyone has a heroic journey to tell. All parts of the story are honorable. Julian Treasure affirms this idea, “One of the most potent styles of speaking is storytelling.”[7]
I was listening to a poem on the Ritual App a few days ago. The poet Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer read her poem, Is this the Path of love?[8] It is a thoughtful poem, but the title itself caught my attention. Her simple question moves me to listen. It moves me to speak. Julian Treasure wrote, “I believe that there are literally billions of people on this planet who have never known what it is like to be truly listened to, so scarce is that experience.”[9] I believe that is true. Listening and speaking are rare and generous gifts which I can give and receive. Both are acts of love.
- Julian Treasure, How to be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening. (Coral Gables, Fl: Mango Publishing Group, 2017), 38.
- Julian Treasure, How to be Heard, 10.
- Ibid., 15.
- Simon Walker, Leading out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership. (Carlisle, UK: Piquant Editions, 2007), 55.
- Treasure, 188.
- Ibid., 38.
- Ibid., 39.
- Ritual, 2023. The Poetic Path: Is this the Path of Love? By Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. The Poem is no longer available on the App.
- Ibid., 38.
About the Author
Jenny Dooley
Jenny served as a missionary in Southeast Asia for 28 years. She currently resides in Gig Harbor, Washington, where she works as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Certified Spiritual Director in private practice with her husband, Eric. Jenny loves to listen and behold the image of God in others. She enjoys traveling, reading, and spending time with her family which include 5 amazing adult children, 3 awesome sons-in-law, a beautiful daughter-in-law, and 8 delightful grandchildren.10 responses to “Rare and Generous Gifts”
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I absolutely love this beautiful ending to your post. You wrote, “Listening and speaking are rare and generous gifts which I can give and receive. Both are acts of love.”
Yes, they ARE acts of love!
Thank you for giving those gifts to me, Jonita.
Every time I hear “love sandwich” I will forever think of you!
Listening and speaking truly offer the gift of a love sandwich!
You are indeed a good listener, Jenny. I have experienced that in the brief time we have known each other. You say you are less confident on the speaking side. I wonder how much of your NPO project involves speaking up, speaking out, directing in a public way, etc.? Do you have a plan to get more comfortable and improve your skills?
Hi Kim,
Thank you! I very much enjoy listening to your stories and experiences. The more I think and research about what I want to do I realize that I will have to do more speaking, teaching, and listening in order to come up with and implement platforms that will work for my stakeholders. They are people I know well. I have been given more opportunities to speak over the last few years, so I am getting more comfortable. It is interesting that what I have been speaking about has all been leading up to the NPO I now have, but didn’t recognize at the time.
I want to give them more experiences but will need to do some teaching, skills training, and safe opportunities to share and practice. My biggest concern is that some of it may have to be done via Zoom which is less than ideal for me and for them. So creating platforms both in-person and online will have to be considered. I will be practicing too!
A gift, I love that!
Searching for a balance of listening and speaking is a great goal for all of us. One of the cohort said that 2/3 of Treasure’s book is about listening with 1/3 about speaking. Two ears, one mouth. That sort of makes sense.
This morning I had THE dating talk with my daughter. She was using her phone and tablet until I forced her to look at me. I discovered that perhaps people actually need training on listening. As we discussed dating, we started to connect, she asked questions, and we had a good time.
I also had to talk about driving and working at night. How someone might bump her car so that she would come out. We talked about calling the police first, then DADDY. When the driver comes around to the window she has learned to say, “I called the police and my father. Can we wait until they show up?”
Today, I taught my daughter HOW to listen.
Great post…Shalom…Russ
Hi Russell,
Thank you for sharing your conversation with your daughter. It sounds like a precious time and a gift for both of you!
What helps you maintain the balance between listening and speaking? When I was training as a spiritual director I was given a list of questions to ask myself after a session with a directee. I think I need to ask myself these questions after other important conversations and reflect on my listening.
What was my strongest feeling… image…reaction… or thought?
Were there things I said that I now wonder about?
Did I talk too much? What percent did I carry the conversation?
Did I teach, preach, rescue, or abandon?
This has me wondering about questions I could reflect on after speaking. Maybe something along the lines of H.A.I.L.from Treasure’s book:
Was I honest?
Was I authentic?
Did my words and behaviors match up?
Were my words loving?
Thanks for you response!
A priceless gift. . .
“I am noticing how often the sounds I hear move me to gratitude and prayer.” Me too Jenny. I appreciate the spaces in my day/evening when I can simply be still and listen. This is one of the reasons why I enjoy hammocking. I keep my hammock and a small camping chair in the trunk of my car. We have several great parks and lakes locally.
How do you hope to create platforms for ministry leaders to experience generous listening?
Hi Cathy,
I love your hammock idea! I keep a camp chair in the back of my car about 9 months a year for the same purpose. There is something about sitting quietly outside that is very restful and connecting for my soul. Do you have special places, thin places, in which God seems especially near? Do you have sounds that draw you into listening for God?
Okay, I rolled out my hammock! I am going to give it try. I like the afternoon idea. My creative juices flow pre breakfast and certainly before lunch. Afternoon seems like a good time to “listen, connect, refresh.”
Let us know what the experience is like for you. Reflection makes it more powerful and memorable. Enjoy!