TikTok Gets Me
“If you don’t like TikTok it’s because you haven’t spent enough time on it. Once they figure out which mental illness you have, your celebrity crushes, and which cute animal you like the most…it gets really good.” (random internet meme)
This meme is not only humorous, it is true, and it’s talking about me. I used to roll my eyes at TikTok, believing it to be full of silly dances I didn’t have time to learn. That was before I actually started flipping through the videos. Very quickly the TikTok algorithm figured out my likes, dislikes, obsessions, how to make me laugh, cry, and everything in between. I felt seen. TikTok gets me. I now go to sleep each night to videos of dogs being rescued or doing funny tricks, animals in the wild, or easy recipes for busy nights, life hacks, videos advising this middle aged mother what not to wear (my tween daughter’s preference for me to watch), and Taylor Swift or Avett Brothers videos. I still get the occasional silly TikTok dance but I still don’t have time to learn it because I’m too busy watching videos of dogs.
However, in between dog and “what not to wear” videos I did make the time to read Bobby Duffy’s book, Why We are Wrong About Nearly Everything and found that his book speaks directly to my experience on TikTok as well as on other social media platforms.
We all know that algorithms are at work behind the scenes instantly curating our feeds so that we only see things that matter to us. Many of us have even had the eerie experience of mentioning a product one day and having an advertisement for that very product show up in our feed the next. (I swear there have been times when I have merely THOUGHT of a product and had it appear in my feed the next time I opened an app.) Whether we are on TikTok, Facebook, Amazon, or any other internet site, the algorithms are working to amplify our biases and influence our perceptions of the world. In a way, social media is telling us “what to think” and more often than not, we believe it.
But it’s not entirely the fault of social media. We too are at fault for how we think. In his book Thinking Fast and Slow Daniel Kahneman talks about System 1 and System 2 thinking.[1] System one is quick, intuitive, automatic thinking using heuristics to make a judgment. System 2 is slower, deliberate, and analytical. When we allow the TikTok algorithm to tell us what to think we are using our system 1 thinking without stopping to consider that the algorithm is going to feed us what we want to see and believe, even sometimes what we already know. If we take a moment and allow System 2 to take the wheel we have a chance of fighting off our “delusion.”[2] Perhaps we might even look up another video from an opposing view point, but probably not…because, algorithms make those opposing viewpoints difficult to find.
Duffy writes, “The starting point for most discussion of why we’re so wrong is the view the answer is solely out there, in what the media, social media, and politicians tell us. We’re wrong only because we’ve been misled, rather than it being how we think, the repeated errors we make. As we’ve seen, there is no single cause, and there is definitely insufficient evidence to conclude that we’re not just wrong about the world because our media or politics are misleading us. Rather our delusions need to be seen as arising from a complex system of forces, both in our heads and in the world, that reinforce each other.” [3]
This is important to be aware of as a leader. As we make decisions we are always being influenced by what we are being told and how we think. These influences can create what Duffy calls a “feedback loop.” He writes, “Our biases also help create a feedback loop. We are more likely to be exposed to information that confirms our existing beliefs, which in turn reinforces those beliefs, leading us to seek out more of the same kind of information. This can make it very hard to change our minds, even in the face of new evidence.”[4] In his book, A Failure of Nerve, Friedman urges leaders to be self-differentiated. He writes, “A self-differentiated leader is one who has clarity about his or her own life goals, and therefore, someone who is less likely to become lost in the anxious emotional processes swirling about. The clarity of self, and the consequent freedom from people-pleasing, is what makes it possible for such a leader to stay in touch with the needs of those around him or her without becoming emeshed in them.”[5] Self-differentiation is crucial in an effective leader however, in light of Duffy’s book, I wonder if sometimes self-differentiation isn’t exactly that, but is instead “delusion.”
For example, I know a pastor who is usually self-differentiated in a very healthy way but upon bringing the congregation back to in-person worship after the pandemic immediately focused on beginning a capital campaign. The facilities could definitely use upkeep, the church was at a cross-road as to how to best serve the community. The pastor was to retire in a few years. Now was the time for a capital campaign if this pastor was to see it through, yet the staff was worried. They felt discombobulated, the congregation was barely back in the building and rarely did the same people come two Sundays in a row. Stressed out, the staff kept saying, “But I thought we were supposed to be focused on building community!” Anxiety was high and yet the pastor was determined to move forward with the capital campaign.
Finally, and with humility, the pastor listened to the staff, apologized for jumping too far ahead (system 1 thinking) and changed directions giving space to build community. There will be a capital campaign in the near future but only after the congregation and staff have a chance to get their feet on the ground.
Like I said, this pastor is usually very self-differentiated, making positive decisions, leading with confidence and humility. However, in the stress of leading through the pandemic and bringing a congregation back to in-person worship, the pastor got caught up in a sort of feedback loop causing a delusion. This makes me wonder if sometimes “self-differentiation” can become a stumbling block. Perhaps there are valid reasons for the anxiety of the system. Self-differentiation is important in a leader but always with a healthy dose of humility.
I experienced this feedback loop when defining my NPO. I had experienced the difficulty of finding a therapist in Bend, OR, where I live. I heard from many others about their own inabilities to secure therapy when it was needed. I assumed that this meant there are not enough therapists in Bend to deal with our mental health crisis. I made a snap judgment based on my own experience and because I was being told my experience was the only experience.
As I conducted my interviews and my workshop though I found out otherwise. There are plenty of therapists as well as other mental health services in Bend. The problem lies more in how to get the word out about how to access these services. As I continue my research I predict this sort of thing will happen many times. I will make a judgment based on what I am being told and how I think, only to do the research and find out otherwise.
Overall, I found this book to be interesting building on the concepts we’ve been learning about in our other readings this semester. The ideas from Duffy’s book will (hopefully) cause me to continually be aware of how I am making decisions, though as we also learned from the book, I may not be able to extricate myself from the endless feedback loop!
[1] Kahneman, Daniel. Thinking, Fast and Slow. 1st edition. Farrar, Straus and Giroux. 2011, Kindle location 264
[2] Duffy, Bobby, Why We’re Wrong About Nearly Everything: A Theory of Human Misunderstanding, Basic Books 2019, Kindle edition, p.11.
[3] Ibid, Kindle, p 203.
[4] Ibid. p. 52
[5] Friedman, Edwin H., and Peter Steinke. A Failure of Nerve, Revised Edition: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. 10th Anniversary edition. New York: Church Publishing, 2017, p13.
About the Author
Kally Elliott
Mom of four. Wanna-be Broadway star. PC(USA) pastor. Wife. Friend. Sometimes a hot mess. Sometimes somewhat together. Is this supposed to be a professional bio?9 responses to “TikTok Gets Me”
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I haven’t gotten into TikTok, but I get it when social media “gets us”. it’s brilliant in that way and fairly harmless when what we like are the puppies, (or for me the dances). As we go through this semester of learning do you find yourself quicker in recognizing your in a feedback loop?
I think I am getting better – not so sure about quicker – but better at recognizing my feedback loop. Sometimes I care and go looking for other thoughts and opinions and other times I just want to watch/hear what I want to watch/hear.
Ms. Kally, thank you for the posting. I have not done TikTok, maybe I will try it. The algorithm, it is scare too. It seemed as if my computer knows me. When I was looking for desk for my home office, I keep getting suggestions about tables not only in my email, but on my computer screen as well. I looked at it as information collected on me came back at me to lead me in the direction in which the other party wanted to go. As you said that the we are misled by information that were provided with their own agenda. Thanks again.
You should try TikTok! Haha! I love it. It’s great for mind-numbing when I need a break. And, seriously, I have learned so many things on TikTok. Everything from dog rescuing to random facts about elephants and bears to hacks to clean my house!
Ha, I experienced the same thing with TikTok. That’s for “those” people, then the algorithm hit. I found it when I got Covid and realized it could actually be an amazing resource for cooking, inspiration, fitness, and yes entertainment…usually prank videos for me.
“I made a snap judgment based on my own experience and because I was being told my experience was the only experience.”
When it comes to my NPO, I’ve also made some assumptions that EVERYONE has had my experiences or cares about the things I do. Finding that is not the case. It is for several, but some just don’t care or struggle with the same things and that’s ok, I’ll help the ones that need a solution for specific needs. It looks like you are uncovering some underlying issues with therapy access, awareness, and availability which is great.
Prank videos?!?! Okay, so now my algorithm has something to add! I need these prank videos in my life! Just think, if we get some good ones we could use them on fellow students when we are in Oxford! (Kidding, not kidding!)
Obviously we know that not everyone has our same experiences or even cares about the things we do but I have felt the awkwardness of verbally vomiting about a topic about which I am passionate only to have the other person stare at me like I am an alien. And then I remember, “Oh yeah, maybe I am the only middle-aged pastor mom in the group who goes to bed each night watching german shepherds get rescued on TikTok.” Sigh.
But about my NPO, yes, I am uncovering some underlying issues with therapy access, awareness and availability that don’t have anything to do with my original assumption.
Hi Kally! Thank you for your insightful post.
Your reflection on Duffy’s writing and its relationship with Tiktok’s algorithms is fascinating, and I appreciate your creativity. As someone who hasn’t used Tiktok (yet), I am curious about whether users have any control over the algorithm’s recommendations. Is it possible for us to choose what we truly enjoy from the content Tiktok offers based on its algorithm?
By maintaining our independence from the influence of the Tiktok algorithm, can we avoid the tendency to make mistakes because we are protected from wanting to see only what we want to see?
Hi Kally,
You wrote, “I will make a judgment based on what I am being told and how I think, only to do the research and find out otherwise.”
I think we live on a sliding scale of S1 and S2 thinking. My S1 thinking brought me great joy, a wife, two adoptive children. Making all that work was a slide into S2 thinking. I think I am okay with that. Especially, if I ask the Holy Spirit to guide all my thinking both S1 and S2. Praying unceasingly – so easy to say, so hard to do. But when done write, when we align our will with God’s will…Things can be AMAZING.
Shalom…Russ
Hey Kally, I always love your insightful posts! I have an easy question for you. What has Tiktok taught you that is not biblical but extremely beneficial?