Cognitive Dissonance Inherent in the Gospel
“A leader leads people from where they currently are to another place, which at first is unknown to them and can only be imagined.”[1]
Moses. Hudson Taylor. Abraham Lincoln. Martin Luther King Jr. Every single one of you as you dream about graduation day in May 2025.
What do all these leaders have in common? They dared to imagine a reality beyond what they saw around them. They stepped out with some degree of faith, and likely a fair bit of trepidation, and went somewhere new. This generates a significant experience of cognitive dissonance, as we will see. As you probably have already experienced.
In Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership, author Simon Walker relies on two models of leadership to identify pitfalls and help leaders grow. He pulls from psychologist Erving Goffman’s metaphor of a theater and elaborates how leaders maintain their “front stage” and “back stage” behavior. This image speaks to the self-doubts and coping mechanisms that leaders may keep hidden from their public. But the “back stage” can also be used in more positive ways, for example by remaining modest about our contribution to a project in order to let a colleague receive the credit.[2]
Secondly, Walker leans on John Bowlby’s work to explain how a leader’s attitudes and responses are rooted in his experience of trustworthy relationships growing up.[3] In child psychology this is known as attachment theory, widely accepted to be foundational to children constructing their concepts of self. Here Walker spends a good bit of the book describing four “Egos” that could drive a given leader. This is where I, personally, found Walkers’ work to become a bit too anecdotal and over-generalized to be very helpful.
That said, I very much resonated with Walker’s conclusion that “the problem did not originate and does not lie within us. The root of our problem does not consist in some flaw in our character which we may be able to fix—no, it lies, and has always lain, in the formation of our relationships with others.”[4] Isn’t that the gospel in a nutshell? My root problem is not something I can tweak or fix within myself, but rather my need for a greater reconciliation with God and with others. I love it when science, like attachment theory, and the reality of the natural world point us back to the gospel.
So how do I “fix” this root problem that leads to so many other problems? Simply accept Jesus into my heart and everything will be fine? No, I think it’s a little more involved than that. Walker suggests leaning into sources of “love, affirmation and affection that can make us safe, can secure us against negative experiences in our own fragile histories: sources that are big enough, secure enough and unconditional enough to make us safe regardless of the threats that surround us.”[5] One participant in my Discovery workshop put it in terms of being securely rooted in Christ so that we can stay true to our principles in parenting. This is what Edwin Friedman called differentiation.
Living securely in unconditional love recalls Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability and wholeheartedness. She might use different vocabulary but she’s getting at the same idea. In Daring Greatly, she highlights the human need for relationship when she says, “Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”[6] We are designed with a deep need for reconciliation with God and with others.
That brings us back to cognitive dissonance, defined as the discrepancy between the ideal and the reality.[7] The ideal is connection and reconciliation with God and others. But the reality is that connection requires vulnerability and courage. Connection opens us up to being hurt. We naturally want to defend ourselves against criticism and hurt.
But cognitive dissonance goes even deeper than opening ourselves up to criticism. We are citizens of the already-but-not-yet Kingdom. It’s right there in our identity. Fallen but redeemed. No longer slaves to sin (Romans 6:6) and yet “although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.” (Romans 7:21) In fact, every time we pray for “your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:10) we are leaning into cognitive dissonance. Let’s be honest, this can be hard because sometimes that “ideal” seems unattainable. I don’t know how you experience it, but cognitive dissonance sometimes makes me feel like I’m walking around in a fog. I can’t see around me; I can’t see clearly to solve the problems in my ministry. Author Rachel Held Evans shared her own struggles with living in this liminal state. She suggested that “faith teaches us to live without certainty and to hope without guarantee.”[8]
And yet, we can have hope (despite this post having taken a rather pessimistic turn). The thing that brings me hope is returning to the very definition of faith that we find in Hebrews 11:1. “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Above all, let’s be leaders in faith. Let’s be leaders who lead by faith. Take courage, friends, because “The One who calls you is faithful.” (1 Thessalonians 5:24)
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[1] Walker, S.P. Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership. The Undefended Leader Trilogy. 1. Piquant, 2007. Kindle location 208.
[2] Ibid. 38.
[3] Ibid. 71-72.
[4] Ibid. 126.
[5] Ibid. 127.
[6] Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent and lead. Avery: New York, New York. 2015. 8.
[7] Walker, S.P. Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership. The Undefended Leader Trilogy. 1. Piquant, 2007. 28.
[8] Held Evans, Rachel. Wholehearted Faith. HarperOne: New York. 2021. 22.
About the Author
Kim Sanford
7 responses to “Cognitive Dissonance Inherent in the Gospel”
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Hi Kim….Double Wow.
Thank you so much for leading me through this. I am flying to Texas for a series of NPO meetings and I was having trouble sorting through this particular book.
Two terms caught my eyes.
Cognitive Dissonance.. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/326738.
I used to think that this was plain old lying! But this book and the above helped clear that up for me.
Attachment disorder…I adopted two children in Hungary. One of my children Nikoletta (Niki), was adopted at the age of 6. Her mom had, unfortunately, passed away from cancer and she was in the orphanage in Miskolc, Hungary (where my non-profit visited weekly http://www.goodsportsinternational.org)
While she suffers from fetal-alcohol syndrome (cancer patients in Hungary self-medicated with alcohol) we also discovered that Niki had trouble with relationships. Her early life experiences were one of abandonment. This haunts her till today. While I have her in counseling to deal with this aspect of her childhood, I was forced to realize that her relationships NOW, meaning my relationship with her has to be rock solid. My wife and I are teaching the young adult crew at church (early 20 somethings) and our hope is that my daughters (both 22) will re-affirm themselves in their relationship with Christ.
Sigh…parenthood.
So many different nuggets of wisdom in the book. Thanks for your post…Shalom…Russ
So well articulated, Kim. There IS such a deep need for all of us for reconciliation with God and with others. The idea of having both vulnerablity and courage is monumental. I imagine that is why leadership is not easy in navigating the ins and outs of our own shortcomings. As you navigate your own context, how has the thought of vulnerablity mixed with courage changed how you lead?
Esther, what a good question about vulnerability and courage! My answer is they have changed everything for me, even my ability to think about myself as a leader. I could give so many examples. As background, a few years ago I made a leadership decision that turned out to be hurtful to my teammates (as you can imagine, it’s a long story). After that I kind of shut down because I didn’t trust my own judgment anymore. It became easier to let things happen around me instead of stepping out in courage. I feared (felt vulnerable) that if I stepped back up to leadership I would inadvertently hurt people I cared about again. I’m still on this journey, but it has been amazing to take steps of courage, despite feeling vulnerable, and reach toward self-differentiation in my leadership.
Boy, could we truly sit together around a cup of tea and unload here. I am walking through that type of a situation now with staff. Exiting ministry leadership is so attractive given these tough seasons. I can tell it has been a deep inner journey of wrestling with who you are as a leader. I can so relate, Kim~!
Hi Kim,
I enjoyed your post! You mentioned John Bowlby and attachment. I asked Kally a similar question as I am considering this myself. Attachment plays such a huge role in our development. I am wondering what you think about Bowlby’s attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized (anxious-avoidant). How do you think a leader’s attachment style (developed in early childhood) might impact a leader’s ability to practice undefended leadership?
Before reading this book, I hadn’t actually heard of Bowlby even though attachment theory is foundational for all the research I’ve been doing. His categories are helpful, yet I get the sense that the distinctions aren’t as clear-cut as he says. That said, I think he’s correct that much of our identity as adults is rooted in attachment. It’s interesting to realize that the work I hope to do in parenting might go beyond growing better disciples, it might even contribute to making better leaders!
Hi Kim,
Thanks for your good thoughts. I’m still wrestling with Walker’s comment that you quoted:
“the problem did not originate and does not lie within us. The root of our problem does not consist in some flaw in our character which we may be able to fix—no, it lies, and has always lain, in the formation of our relationships with others.”
I’m having a hard time articulating it, but it just doesn’t totally sit right with me. I get it as it relates to God and our relationship with him. We can’t fix ourselves and our identity needs to be rooted in him. Where I struggle is that Walker doesn’t actually say just that, but also, the answer is in our relationship with others. This is where I get a bit uncomfortable. Is the problem truly in our relationship with others, or our unhealthy interpretation of those interactions/relationships. If the problem is actually in relationship with others (and not our own processing and appropriate responses to relationships), then we are somewhat at the mercy of other people and how they choose to treat us. And can we create/foster healthy relationships with others before we do the necessary internal work to find a degree of health….so that our relationship actually are healthy? I think one could argue that reading Walker’s book is starting ‘within’–understanding family of origin and coping mechanisms so we can adjust our inner processing and then engage in more healthy relationships. I’m not suggesting those external relationships are inconsequential in our growth process, I just see it as secondary to some necessary internal/personal work that we must do in the healing journey. What do you think? Am I reading him wrong?