Faked It Til I Made It
“Pretend to be making something until you actually make something.”[1]
That’s exactly what I’m doing in this doctoral program. I am pretending that I am writing a dissertation on mental health and the Church. Maybe in a couple of years and some change I will actually have written it!
“Fake it until you make it”[2] is how I’ve learned to live my life in these past few years. I think it’s actually how I graduated from life and career stunting “imposter syndrome.”
In 2015 my family and I moved to Long Island, NY so that I could pastor a church of about 100 and start a new worshiping community in a town about 10 minutes away. We spent four years in Long Island and though I was doing what felt like an impossible job: ornery high needs congregation AND brand-new church in another location, I did it. The church was growing and the new worshiping community was beginning to take shape – though admittedly, in fits and starts. But I never once felt like I could do it. I never once took stock of what I was doing well. Instead, I would get stuck in insecurity, second guessing my every decision, my reptilian brain causing me to freeze. I felt like a fake.
I had spent the eleven previous years ministering to and with college students. What business did I have pastoring a church AND starting a new worshiping community? Never mind that I had successfully turned a lagging campus ministry around so that it was thriving. Never mind that I had all the education, credentials, and ordination of my colleagues. For some reason, a little voice inside my head kept whispering that somehow being a pastor to college students didn’t count as being a “real” pastor.
Looking back, I did a lot of good at the little ornery church. New people were coming to worship and even getting involved. We got rid of the moldy carpet in the “parlor” and even began a conversation of removing the decades old red sanctuary carpet to let the hardwood floors beneath shine. We sang some newer hymns and sometimes I asked the congregation to interact with one another during worship. Of course, this came with its own set of problems as the long-time members didn’t want to budge an inch when it came to changing what had “always” been or what they had “always” done.
As I reflect on the experience of gathering a new worshiping community I am reminded that a group of about 15 gathered in my living room every week to have conversation, sing, and serve each other communion. This group wasn’t easy to come by either! I met some at the gym, some at preschool drop off, some at a conference in the city, and a few online. Though I was totally FAKING it, I invited each one to my house and made sure they felt welcome.
Still, I was pretty miserable in that role and even concluded that I am not meant to be an entrepreneur, especially when it comes to starting a church. Which is simply not true.
What is true is that there were a lot of factors contributing to the difficulty of the role and my heart took a beating (and not the kind that keeps one alive) and my confidence was shaken.
Along the way someone (I don’t remember who) advised me to “fake it until you make it!” Pretend to be the pastor. Fake starting the church you’d want to attend. The phrase rolled around in my head and off my tongue reminding me that if I just put one foot in front of the other, checked one more project off the list, invited one more person, had one more difficult conversation, at some point I might actually be the pastor of a small but growing church and a new worshiping community.
Plot Twist.
I did not end up planting a new church nor did I continue pastoring that ornery, needy congregation. Unlike the hero in the Hero’s Journey, I did not go through hell only to return home transformed.[3] Instead I moved to Bend, OR where I was called to pastor a church. The imposter syndrome tagged along and once again I found myself “pretending” to know what I was doing, pretending to be a pastor. And once again, kept uttering to myself, “Fake it until you make it Kally.” And that’s what I did.
I would fake it through meetings, even thinking to myself, “Crap! I forgot Robert’s Rules of Order! Actually, I don’t think I ever knew them to begin with!” I’d fake it through sitting at the bedside of someone dying, panicking that I might say the wrong thing. I’d fake it as I prepared a sermon, “stealing” ideas from others and feeling like I was cheating (according to Kleon I was not because I didn’t steal from just one of my heroes but from many which made it honest to goodness research).[4] I’d fake it while leading a class, wishing I’d spent more time preparing the lesson. I faked it and faked it and faked it until I realized I wasn’t faking it anymore. I was actually doing it.
I’m now at a place where I feel very confident in my role as a pastor. I am not pretending. I am a pastor. I don’t have the best ideas nor do I preach the best sermons. I don’t always know when someone needs a visit or extra care. I absolutely hate doing administrative tasks. Yet, I am still a really good pastor. Most of all I trust God has called me to this role as a pastor. I don’t know how long I will continue in this role (I am feeling a bit restless but that’s another post for another time) but I don’t question my call to be a pastor now or to the churches in New York or to the college students in the campus ministry.
This learning that I am actually a pastor instead of pretending has been kind of like a “threshold concept” for me. According to Meyer and Land, “a threshold concept can be considered as akin to a portal, opening up to a new and previously inaccessible way of thinking about something.”[5] I had to fake it but in the faking it I finally crossed the threshold to making it, seeing and thinking of myself in a new way. Earlier I mentioned that unlike the hero’s journey I didn’t return “home transformed And while that is kind of true. I didn’t return to the church I was pastoring at the time nor to the new worshiping community I was trying to gather. In another way it is not true because I did return home to myself, home to who God called me to be and in the journey of faking it, I was transformed.
.
[1] Kleon, Austin. 2012. Steal Like an Artist: 10 Things Nobody Told You About Being Creative. 1st edition. Workman Publishing Company. (Kindle) 29
[2] IBID
[3] https://libguides.gvsu.edu/c.php?g=948085&p=6836194
[4] Kleon, Austin. 2012. Steal Like an Artist: 10 Things Nobody Told You About Being Creative. 1st edition. Workman Publishing Company. (Kindle) 35
[5] Jan F.H. Meyer and Ray Land, eds., Overcoming Barriers to Student Understanding: Threshold concepts and troublesome knowledge. (New York, Routledge, 2003), pg. 3
About the Author
Kally Elliott
Mom of four. Wanna-be Broadway star. PC(USA) pastor. Wife. Friend. Sometimes a hot mess. Sometimes somewhat together. Is this supposed to be a professional bio?13 responses to “Faked It Til I Made It”
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Kalli,
Thank you for sharing authentically and with heart-felt vulnerablity. Your ending statement,
“I did return home to myself, home to who God called me to be and in the journey of faking it, I was transformed” puts everything into perspective. Through all of our faulty inner dialogue and seemingly measly attempts at leading others in faith, somehow God continues to shape us, use us and love us.That in itself gives me such encouragement and hope.
I’m curious. In looking back over your tranformational journey, what do you think caused God to smile the most?
I think what caused God to smile most was when I finally convinced the little ornery church to rip out the moldy carpet from the parlor. Kidding, not kidding.
But seriously, I think what caused God to smile or what causes God to smile is when we follow God’s call even when we don’t fully believe in ourselves. In a way it’s like we don’t believe in ourselves but we do believe in God.
Kally,
Thank you for sharing your church planting adventure.
In the journey of faking it, you DID return home to yourself and who God made you to be. Don’t you just LOVE that! God’s process of transformation is so incredible and purposeful. How does this evidence of transformation, returning to who God made you to be, effect you day to day?
I’m reminding myself on a daily basis to be me, not to edit me but to be me. I think in living in to that reminder I am able to be “home” in who God has made me to be.
So many writers and creatives that I read have some form of the saying “You gotta put butt in seat, and get started.” If you want to write you gotta sit down and start typing. Painting. Sculpting. Etc. Etc.
As I read your post it brought that to mind. The process of just being faithful. Woody Allen says, “90% of life is just showing up.” I’m 75% sure he made that stat up, but the point stands. Be Faithful. Show up. Do the Work. We’ll get better as we go. It’ll take time and patience and more time and more patience, but we’ll get there if we are faithful along the way.
Thanks for being a faithful pastor, Kalli.
Yes! In fact, one of my first blog posts is titled, “Butt in Seat” and it has to do with this very thing. I’m glad you reminded me of that post because obviously there is a theme going through my writing….bird by bird, as Anne Lamott says, or step by step, or blog post by blog post, we will get this doctorate done!
Setting… Hungarian Forest near the Romanian Border. Standing with the director of the Dorcas Camping Center (now the Dorcas Refugee Center for Ukrainians).
The center of the camp is a bunch of tree stumps. The attempt to clear the land to make room for more camping space was a failure.
I had asked the director (in a jest), where can I put my baseball field? Thus we were staring at stumps.
Zoli said…right here.
Previously, Zoltan said to his board that I wanted to build a baseball field/soccer field for the camp. They began to ask a LOT of questions. They weren’t up for change (like your ornery gang). Zoltan told me he told them…”If we look down the road at ALL the problems we face, we will never get started.” We started.
So I hired a manly a stump pulling machine and today there is a baseball field at Dorcas. It gets more use as a soccer field, but the stumps are gone. Kids are playing and laughing, finding refuge from war. Nice.
Too much S2 thinking can sometimes work against us. I flow between S1 and S2. Sometimes I land on an idea that works. Sometimes not. Looking back I think I am surviving at a 55% success rate on crazy ideas. I am okay with that.
My bible study last night covered.
Matthew 7:7-8 Ask, Seek, Knock
7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
I was thinking that I got the “asking” part down, but relooked at the seeking and knocking. Perhaps in seeking and knocking, my will is being realigned to His will. Both in the physical NPO world and the spiritual realm.
Great Post….Shalom….Russ
”If we look down the road at ALL the problems we face, we will never get started.” Well, this preaches to me.
I’m going to post that on my refrigerator.
55% success rate on crazy ideas isn’t bad at all! I have a tendency to want to figure things out, look down the road at ALL the problems I might eventually face. Eventually I get tired of trying to predict the problems and I jump, sometimes haphazardly. It’s weird. I worry, I look for problems, I find them, and then I do it anyway. Usually.
So far, God has continued to hold me even as I jump!
I love that kids are now able to play in that once stump-filled field. Sounds like God also holds you when you jump.
I can sure relate to your comments, Kally. I am routinely put in situations where I feel like I am a fish out of water… I am realizing that must come with consulting: you drop in, assess and have to move quick and decisively to action- and then you move on and do the same somewhere else.
I am curious: as you look back over this move from “faking it” to “making it,” what truths have you discovered along the way that you want to keep as you move through this doctoral process?
I think the truths that I want to take with me in this process are that doing a little at a time will lead to a finished product – at some point. And, that I want to show up authentically as me.
Kally,
As I read your post about pastoring college students and how you wondered if that was “real” pastoring, I wanted to send you an email and say, “Now write to those college students and tell them your journey!” Imagine how they feel when they start down the road to their ministry/calling/career and no one is honest about how imposter syndrome haunts so many sincere professionals.
The second truth, however, is that the years you stayed faithful and true to the call are what helped you write the final sentences of your blog: “I’m now at a place where I feel very confident in my role as a pastor. I am not pretending. I am a pastor. I don’t have the best ideas nor do I preach the best sermons. I don’t always know when someone needs a visit or extra care. I absolutely hate doing administrative tasks. Yet, I am still a really good pastor.” There’s your theme for your next sermon to younger people. I am left with one question for you: What would your 35-year-old self want your “However old you are now” self to tell her?
Well, I mean, since I’m just now 36 years old….haha! 36 and many more years old.
Anyway, I’d tell my 35 year old self that four kids is A LOT of kids and really dang expensive but you’ll pull it off and they’ll even turn out to be pretty awesome. I’d tell my 35 year old self that you don’t have to parent like your friends. That your kids need you to parent them the way YOU parent, not the way others expect you to parent.
I’d tell my 35 year old self that you’re smart and should share your ideas. That, NOTHING is worth losing sleep over. That you’ll get through even this.
I’ve got a lot more that I would tell her but mostly I’d focus on how very loved she is and how strong she will become….it’s in there, and it’s on the verge of blossoming.
Thanks Pam for taking me down that thought road!
Thanks for your post Kally…if I’m honest, it kind of redeems the phrase, “Fake it till you make it” for me, as I read in your blog an interpretation that’s more along the lines of, “Don’t let doubt stunt your growth and impact…and be willing to take risks and move outside of your comfort zone. That’s good stuff, and demonstrates faith to follow even if it’s uncomfortable. Way to go!
My high value for authenticity tends to recoil from the phrase as I naturally interpret it and I’m prone to ask, “Why fake it at all?” Why not just say, “I’m not sure what I’m doing and I feel totally in over my head and I suspect that if Jesus doesn’t come and infuse my work with His wisdom and his power in my weakness…I’m likely toast…..but…..I’m here to figure out the journey together with you (church) and us with him (Jesus). Any ideas?”
My reaction to the phrase likely stems from my interpretation that a leaders is somehow supposed to have all the answers–a form/expectation of leadership that was more prevalent in previous generations than todays….and I wonder if the millennials and younger want leaders who would be more inclined to admit weakness and still lead?
That’s my initial system 1 thinking to the phrase but, as I said, you helped redeem it in ways that I admire and want to emulate. Thanks