Oh, the Nerves…the Nerves!
WARNING!
This post may not be for you! I share:
1. My Heart
2. My Authentic Space
3. My Introspective Thoughts (I met with my Coach an hour before writing it)
So, govern yourself accordingly, there is no love lost between us if you skip over it without reading. For everyone else, I invite you to journey with me for the next few minutes.
My Season
This is such an interesting season for me. I find myself trying to manage my family schedule (which is insanely busy), my business, my doctoral work, and my emotions. One year ago, almost to the day, my Mama began hospice in our home. On Ash Wednesday of last year, she stopped eating and drinking. I am a ball of nerves as I revisit her hospice journey, her twelve days of active dying (no food and no water), and her transition. So, when I say that I am managing emotions, honestly, they are often managing me. And this week was a doozy with a major assignment due and a couple of work deadlines, I was slow in completing the reading for this week. I was not anticipating that I would get much out of my experience Because of my emotional state, so my focus was solely on completing this reading and not on enjoying it. Boy, was I surprised! Oh, my goodness! Failure of Nerve pushed so many buttons for me. I found it difficult to choose what to write about. In a recent conversation one of our cohort members listed this book as one that he would likely use often, and I was curious why he would choose this book. Now I understand, this book will remain on my desk among my other favorites. It was instructive, amusing, and relatable. I found myself scratching my head at times trying to figure out how Friedman knew so much about my challenges. Specifically, The Togetherness Position and Stuck Systems were concepts that were extremely relatable to me in this season of my life.
The Togetherness Position
Initially, the Emotional Triangle caught my attention. The “spouse/spouse/ any issue or symptom” category listed health as one of the symptoms and I immediately thought about my grief, our grief. I thought about our (my husband and I) journey and wondered whether Larry had read this book. His commitment to sit with me and see me through every aspect of my grief saved me. No scapegoating, no avoidance, no rushing, never shrinking back, he stayed in the space with me and consistently met my ever-changing extreme emotional swings with love and patience. Friedman says, “one can only change a relationship of which one is directly a part”.(1) This is so true, I’ve lived it…I am still living it. Our relationship, our love and our journey were changed in a very meaningful way because of his commitment to enter and remain in my grief-stricken space. As I read further, I discovered the real nugget of this chapter for me, The Togetherness Position.
Friedman describes it as:
“The position that is most dangerous to a leader’s health is what I call the “togetherness position”, in which the leader feels responsible for keeping a system together. Such leaders are most likely to suffer burnout, function badly, or suddenly die when forces pulling in opposite directions have stretched their capacity to hold things together to its breaking point.”(2)
Personally, and professionally this concept resonated with me. I have been guilty of trying to fix everything for everybody. It is the nature of the work that I do. I often tell clients that my job is to leave things better than I found them. I have embraced the “fixer” role and built a career around it. Similarly, my sibling dynamic operates with me in the same role, as the person that keeps the relationship(s) together. Sometimes at my own expense. But what really gave me pause was that I realized that I have allowed my dear, darling husband to step into the togetherness position. It is where he has taken up residence for the last 12 months. The thought of him suffering from burnout or giving of himself until he reaches a breaking point is frightening. Timing is everything and the timing of this book in this season was so impactful. There is a famous quote (I believe it’s from Maya Angelou), “when you know better, do better”. It’s time to do better.
Stuck Systems
This leads me to stuck systems. Things that keep going on with no real change. Conceptually stuck systems cannot become unstuck simply by trying harder.(3) It requires a commitment to doing things differently, doing them better and using the tools to make a sustainable change. It also requires a strong constitution, the ability to take an honest look at ourselves. I love the way Friedman describes it, he says, “The capacity to take responsibility for one’s own being and destiny requires integrity, which in this context means not only honesty but being “put together well”(4)
I’m not sure if my goal is to be put together well. It is certainly to have emotional, mental, and physical health that will allow me to thrive as a mother, a wife, and a leader. I also want to be instrumental in fostering the same within the lives of my Loved Ones/Colleagues. I remain open to all the opportunities for growth the lie ahead. Let’s journey and grow together, Loved Ones!
1. Edwin H. Friedman, Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (New York, NY: CHURCH Publishing INC, 2017), 228.
2. Ibid.,235.
3. Ibid.,37.
4. Ibid.,83.
About the Author
Jonita Fair-Payton
10 responses to “Oh, the Nerves…the Nerves!”
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Thanks for you honest reflections Jonita. While I had some issues with a few of Friedman’s concepts, I found the overall book to be a creative way of approaching some really important topics like boundaries, people pleasing, relational triangles and other common mistakes that bog down leaders and burn them out.
And not just ‘leaders’ in the regular sense of the word. As you demonstrate, these issues are for me as a husband, father and friend as much (if not more?) as my role as Pastoral leader.
It seems to me that getting some of these concepts right will not only make us better leaders, but give us better lives in general.
God’s continued peace and wisdom in your journey.
Thank you, Scott! I think that Failure of Nerve has some important touch points for me as a leader and a wife and mother. I enjoyed your post and appreciated the issues you raise with Friedmans approach to empathy and leadership. There is so much value in hearing different perspectives of the same literature. I am thankful that we have been given the space to learn, disagree, engage and grow with one another.
Hi Jonita,
Thank you for highlighting this quote from Friedman, “The position that is most dangerous to a leader’s health is what I call the “togetherness position”, in which the leader feels responsible for keeping a system together. Such leaders are most likely to suffer burnout, function badly, or suddenly die when forces pulling in opposite directions have stretched their capacity to hold things together to its breaking point.” As much and I love empathy, I love togetherness and connection more. It too can go awry. I do find that there are times in a leader’s life when holding it together for everyone might be appropriate, it just isn’t sustainable. Again, this may be my poor differentiation skills talking 🙂 What do you think? I am finding that there is a balance to be maintained between togetherness and differentiation. I like you I tend to be a fixer and the one that holds everything together. Hopefully, the older I get the wiser I get. I realize over-functioning for people is not good for anyone. Everybody gets disconnected from self in those situations. Thank you for sharing your journey. It is a privilege and honor to hold this space with you!
The older we get the wiser we get…I sure hope so! I’m grateful to be on this journey with you, my friend. Thank you for holding space for me.
Thanks for sharing all that you did! You reminded me of a couple of things in Friedman’s book that had slipped my mind. His “togetherness position”, in which the leader feels responsible for keeping a system together, that was a convicting one for me. I have been guilty on multiple occasions of saying (I think truthfully, but maybe I’ve been deluded on occasion as well) that this or that project/team/ministry initiative would fall apart if I didn’t keep it together. At times that’s been a crushing weight. At other times that has undoubtedly been the sinful voice of pride talking. But I never really thought about it being just emotionally and psychologically unhealthy. Your mention of this has revealed some more internal work I need to do. Thank you!
Oh yes, we have all been guilty of thinking that things would fall apart without us. This is so true: “At times that’s been a crushing weight. At other times that has undoubtedly been the sinful voice of pride talking.” This book caused me to re-examine a few things. There were some uncomfortable moments.
Oooh! Thank you for sharing your grief journey. There is so much failure of nerve in our society to admit grief, to allow ourselves to really be in it instead of finding ways to “get over it”. Grief comes back around and around, which is often a surprise for so many people who think they’ve hit all the stages of grief (not a real thing). I believe togetherness in our way through. I am so thankful you have that in a partner, I do too! Strong marriage and partnership is such a gift. Jonita, what is one opportunity of growth you found for yourself through your coaching meeting?
I was not expecting much from the coaching session and I was so pleasantly surprised. I actually paid for 8 additional sessions. If I had to pinpoint one area of growth it would be learning to lean into planning the next phase. I have been planning for others for so long that laying out the steps for myself has been really low on the list.
I am with you! I throughly enjoyed and was convicted by this book. Friedman has several youtube videos too that were super interesting to watch and listen to! You might check them out.
Thanks, Kally! I will check them out.