What do you want them to say about you at your funeral?
When beginning my Masters journey in leadership and management, a colleague of mine asked me if you can actually learn leadership and if so, how does one teach it. It gave me pause – actually – it gave me great pause as I had never even pondered the question, “Can leadership be taught?”
I was glad to see Eve Poole’s book, Leadersmithing, dedicated an entire chapter to the different ways leadership is learned. The TLDR; of this is that yes, leadership can be taught. You are not born a great leader and leadership is not hereditary (although she does make several references to the science behind how our brains are formed and influenced by our environment), leadership is indeed a skill that can be learned.
Which brings me to one of Stephen Covey’s seven habits: begin with the end in mind[1]. What an odd way to learn leadership, to, at the very start, think of what the end might be like. My uncle asked me when I was 14 years old what I wanted people to say about me at my funeral. I’m fairly confidence all I was thinking about at 14 was baseball cards and girls (oddly one did not attract the other). It was another moment that stopped me in my tracks, what did I want people to say at my funeral? I suppose I wanted them to say I was nice, a good friend and maybe helpful. These 30 years later, it doesn’t seem to be that bad of a list, to be honest and little did I know, my uncle was teaching me leadership.
Leadership can be taught through eulogy virtues[2] which is to think of what character traits you want to build opposed to résumé building virtues like career accomplishments and material wealth[3]. Objectively, career success and material gains are far easier to measure than the amount of “niceness” one might have achieved or the level of empathy that could be assigned. And as Poole discusses Chris Nichol’s future proofing framework[4] which pits the idea of knowing the beginning and end points versus knowing the beginning and what you think might be the end point it becomes clear learning leadership is a threshold moment to be experienced[5].
Nichol’s framework suggests the need to develop a toolkit that will enable you to tackle whatever situation might arise and the threshold concept dictates that a healthy amount of curiosity is a key factor in learning something you haven’t been able to grasp with fullness before. There is no straight line from not being a leader to being a leader.
In Romans, Paul gives us a framework for building character, an important baseline ingredient for leadership. While visiting Corinth he details the steps of character building: suffering, perseverance, resiliency, character and hope[6]. Which of those steps are you able to give finite instruction on how to accomplish? Put in contrast to a plan to become the director of a department where the Human Resources folks will gladly layout what roles and responsibilities you should undertake in order to be considered a strong candidate. But how does one be directed into an episode of perseverance?
You will need to intentionally seek out areas where you are uncomfortable and unfamiliar. You’ll need to put yourself in situations where you lack competence and will be found wanting. These are the times where leadership can be learned.
However, a master in the art of leadership can provide wise counsel on your journey. Studying under someone who has suffered, persevered, grown in resiliency and built their character will expedite your leadership learning.
My grandparents died within three months of each other. Living the bulk of her adult life in the 50s, 60s and 70s, my grandmother did not have the same opportunities for career advancement as my grandfather did but she found other ways to lead. She founded the recycling program at her condominium before it was adopted by the city as a service, she taught others who to compost and coached other women on how to be successful by selling Tupperware at parties. Today there is a scholarship for students in environmental protection programs at a local college and a classroom is named after her. Her funeral was packed and people had some wonderful things to say about like she was nice, a good friend and definitely helpful.
My grandfather served in the military, had careers at both a phone company and the postal service. He volunteered and participated in a choir but did not actively seek opportunities where he might be thought of as nice, a good friend nor particularly helpful. His funeral wasn’t as well attended.
Leadership is, in part, the pursuit of character.
[1] The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, Stephen Covey
[2] Poole, page 52
[3] Poole, page 53
[4] Poole, page 53
[5] Robert Coven, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCPYSKSFky4
[6] Romans 5:3-5
About the Author
Mathieu Yuill
While raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens may be a few of Julia Andrews' favourite things, here are a few of mine: Talking to strangers, Learning about what you do for fun, Conversation over coffee. I own a marketing and communications company in Toronto, Canada called Leading With Nice. There are a lot of names I could have given the company but a trusted friend encouraged me to name it that because I really value the humanness in us all. Bah - this is starting to sound like a horrible LinkedIn post. So whatever, let's have coffee. I'd love to hear about what you do for fun!16 responses to “What do you want them to say about you at your funeral?”
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“Begin with the end in mind.” I was just talking with some moms about this in our approach to parenting. This has been THE deep-seated reason that I’ve gone on a journey to change my own parenting, and now I’m passionate to walk alongside others. Potty-training and sleeping through the night can seem like all that matters when our kids are little, but even then we are laying the groundwork for their futures. Emotional development, relational capacity and a child’s view of self begin so early. If we don’t parent with the 20- or 35-year-old in mind, we can miss out the best for our kids.
Now I’ll get off my soapbox and ask you a question. I’ve heard you mention recently that you’re leaning into a more listening, coaching approach as you lead your own company. What are the “end goals” that you’re hearing from those around you? How are you coaching them to reach those goals?
Kim, I have purposefully left this until the end because I’ve been mulling it over in my head. What a great question and one I don’t know if I have a great answer to yet. Taking a step back from the actual doing of the company, I think this movement towards listening and coaching is a result of maturing and not necessarily being more strategic.
So while I may take credit for this approach it more happened to me than I “formed it in the womb,” so to speak (double bonus for using a child/parenting analogy and referencing the Bible in just five words). Here’s something I experienced five years ago that I think I only took the learning from in the past couple of years:
I was hired by a church who had received a multi-million dollar gift as part of a will. The money had to be used for specific things and the church hired me to create a strategic plan to use it. I spent 15 months working with the church to come up with a great plan and I literally still use it as a case study when pitching new clients.
But sadly, they church has not implemented even one recommendation (including painting their main meeting room! Like c’mon! It’s just painting!). And the reason is, I was hired by staff but volunteers (congregants) weren’t at the same place for change. If I were to do it all over again I would have spent six months working with both groups to understand where they were each at. How prepared were they for something new? What were they willing to actually implement?
So now, I spend lots more time asking questions that help me understand how ambitious a client wants to be. One of my greatest gifts is I’m full of ideas. My wife tells me she has learned to just listen to them and know that maybe 1% might happen. It can be overwhelming for people when I spew out thoughts – even when they’re great to help them move towards their goal – but if they’re not in a posture that allows them to receive the ideas with excitement then it’s all for naught.
I am still thinking about your question, so this answer is not complete. We can talk about it in Oxford!
Mathieu,
Whenever I/we have hired individuals for our church organization, we utilize the 4 C’s – Character, Chemistry, Competency and Calling.
All four are vital in my estimation, but there are two that are either there or not: character and calling. The other two: chemistry and competency can (to a degree) be developed along the way. But character and calling really ought to be firmly in place prior to the hire.
Having said that, in terms of character, what “eulogy virtues” would you say rise to the top?
John, first I have to confess: your post triggered me!
One of the last bosses I had before I left to work for myself is both a horrible leader and manager. He lacks empathy and generally has very low others awareness. He is amazing at spreadsheets – and I mean that with sincerity – because it is a skill to be certain and one I don’t posses but there was a day he sat me down to talk about the four Cs.
He had been hired only a few weeks earlier and he had asked me what I did as the Director of Communication. I answered him one way but he asked me again, so I answered a second way and he asked me again so I answered a third way.
Having not answered his question to his liking he sat me down and questioned my competency to do my job. Then he suggested I must not have good chemistry with my colleagues as clearly I couldn’t do my job and this of course called into question my character.
It was like being spoken to by a Patrick Lencioni book!
All of this prologue to say the four Cs have merit and they’re a great generic framework to develop hiring criteria for organizations (I work with an outdoors company who call their values “core leaves” that they hire against) but with regards to the most important eulogy characteristics; I developed a list of characters traits I call Leading With Nice based on their combination of showing increased corporate profits and being defined by people as “nice” but I don’t think that is a definitive list of what you should strive for.
I think Maya Angelou says it best “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Even in our short time knowing each other, at your eulogy, I would have no problem speaking of your generosity and great sense of humour – both have made me feel great when around you. But for someone else, it would probably be different traits.
As long as you stay out of the “he was great at spreadsheets,” you’re probably doing okay.
I appreciate you calling to mind those lived experiences we can all point to in our lives. The steadfastness of your grandmother is a great illustration that mix of intention and “blooming where one is planted.” Do you have any recollection of the variance of philosophy between your grandparents that can point to the different outcomes, or was your grandmother just a more natural leader?
This leads me to a couple of other questions: do you think in this program that we have really defined what a leader is? And, are we all meant to be leaders?
Hello Jennifer! First of all, let’s get a photo of you uploaded. Even if it’s not an actual photo of you. It can be a cat, a flower, but something so when we see your photo we know it’s you. The grey default icon doesn’t make “you” recognizable.
Okay, so this question is around a lot on the forums this week. Some version of your question “Are we all meant to be leaders.” I’ll respond the similarly to how I have elsewhere by saying that we are all leaders because leadership is influence. And who doesn’t influence someone else?
So let’s examine my grandparents leadership styles. My grandmother led by example. My grandfather led by example. Whereas my grandmother led by inviting people into her ideas, giving others time, showing empathy and interest in them, my grandfather led by leaning on his time’s default culture of being the head of the household. He would make demands and failure to conform was met with strict punishment. My grandmother, when you didn’t act as expected would investigate why.
The funeral attendance was even further amazing because by default and role in life, my grandfather would have known probably three to four times more people than my grandmother.
The difference was my grandmother was a good leader and my grandfather was a bad leader. But both leaders. So there is not destination of leadership. We are already doing it, the questions are – how many people are we leading and how well are we doing it?
Matthew,
This is some of the best stuff on leadership that I have read lately. I appreciate hearing about your grandparents and your transparent evaluation of their leadership. Thank you for taking the time to answer peoples questions.
I want to be like your grandma.😊
Thank you for sharing honestly about JOhn’s comments.
Kristy from DLGP01
Hey Mathieu,
Great thoughts and real-life examples. Interestingly, and not related to the primary point of your post, I became aware of the important leadership quality of ‘observation’ that you posses. As we’ve gotten to know one another these past months, you have framed this as ‘being curious about other people’s stories’–which you certainly are…but this curiosity also seems to fuel an unusually-high capacity to notice things in others. This is part of your God-given design which will (and likely has in the past) enhance your leadership. Now…relating this back to your post. I would agree with Poole…somewhat…when she states leaders are not born but made. I think all of us can improve our leadership skills, but there are also God-given skills and gifts that some will be given that others won’t be (but they will be given other gifts and skills that leaders won’t possess). Recognizing both of these realities seems, to me, to be the most accurate perspective on leadership & leadership development. What do you think?
Hello and first, thank you for the kind words you had to say.
At the Global Leadership Summit the MC always makes a point to say that leadership is simply influence, so if you are influencing someone then you are a leader. I know it may seem like the easy way out to declare almost everyone a leader (because who doesn’t influence someone else?) but I actually believe this.
Here’s my take and I’m going to liken it to being an artist. I believe everyone is creative, but not everyone is an artist. I am in awe of artists – to make something out of thin air that other people admire? I’m creative, I can take that existing work and make it something new but the original idea, I don’t have a lot (or any) of that.
I think everyone can be a leader but not everyone can be a manager. Management is the hard thing and honestly, I’m not great at it. My content manager likes to remind me that I once said in a moment of glee “I love working with 40 year olds!” It was after working with a client who had a plethora of young 20 somethings and I had to do a lot of hand holding. It was fun but a lot of work.
The next day I was working on a project with my staff – all of us in our 40s – I didn’t have to hold one hand. That’s when I declared my love of working with us middle-agers.
Not everyone can manage, but anyone can lead – albeit they may not have developed that skill very well. I think we assign the term of “Great Leaders” to someone who effectively influences large amounts of people. The more people you influence the easier it is for others to recognize your level of leadership.
So yes, God’s design of you will influence how you use your leadership but everyone has leadership they can develop.
Mathieu,
I read your post as I traveled back from visiting my 91-year-old aunt who is in her last stages of life. As I reflected over her life, she too, as your grandmother, did not have many professional titles of leadership. I’m not sure she would have even cared because what mattered most to her were the “others” in her life. Eva Poole states that “character is not about doing, but about being”…there is a durablity and reliablity that shine forth (p. 49).
General H. Norman Schwartzkopf once remarked “Leadership is a potent combination of strategy and character. But if you must be without one, be without the strategy.”
“Norman Schwarzkopf Quotes About Character,” A-Z Quotes, accessed February 18, 2023, https://www.azquotes.com/author/13189-Norman_Schwarzkopf/tag/character.
Esther! Look at you leaving citations in post comments. I love that quote, I actually heard one from Mike “Pinball” Clemons of CFL fame. If you’re not familiar with the CFL, you’re forgiven. It’s the Canadian Football League, there are only three downs, the field is 110 yards long, the end zone is 20+ yards deep and the clock stops after every play during the last three minutes of the quarter.
Pinball played for our hometown Toronto Argonauts for his entire career and it’s not uncommon for people to call for him to run for mayor he was so beloved.
I had the chance to see him speak about being a champion and he totally turned the script upside down. He said “If you want to show me a great person, don’t show me their records or awards, their money of power. To show me a truly great person, show me what they have done for someone else.”
I think your aunt would probably be a Pinball fan.
Thank you for sharing your stories about your grandparents and their early leadership training in your life and the lives of those around them. Tupperware takes me back. 😀
In the podcast, “At the Table” with Peter Lencioni, (Hurts So Good) he talks about how leaders may avoid pruning, the idea of eliminating the unhealthy in order to promote the growth of the healthy. This correlates with your idea of intentionally seeking out areas where we might feel uncomfortable and unfamiliar in an effort to seek out areas in which we can grow. Not only the idea of intentionally seeking out an area to focus on for growth, but also studying under (or alongside of) someone who has been there can develop us as leaders. As you reflect on your leadership, who has been those coaches or mentors in your life that have helped to expedite growth?
When I was still working full-time for someone else, I hired to host of the TV show we produced as a coach. before she was on TV she was a life coach and she was great.
She was probably someone who had the biggest impact on where my professional life is today as she walked and journeyed alongside me as I made the leap from full-time work to having my own company.
And as cliché as it might be, my dad was another huge influence and legitimately a lot of the leadership analogies I share are his true-life stories. Here’s one of my favourites about the importance of making connections:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on4RBJmlV70
Thank you for sharing. I love the story of inspiration from your dad. Making connections with others through the simplicity of shared interests is so lost and so profound. Thank you for sharing!
Mathieu! I love this! Eulogy Virtues…I missed that part in this book and you brought me to go back and read this part! Thank you and I suppose that is the gift of this blogging exercise and responses, we get to experience all parts of the book. Funnily enough we were on same thread from different parts of the books on living backward from the end! I love your take on this and how it relates to character and not what we do or accomplish. In your experience…how does one teach children character? When you have a child who doesn’t quite “get ” this but another child does it challenges me as a mom! Is Character nature or nurture, or both? Is it teachable..I’m sure it is, but if it’s teachable how do you help it sink from head knowledge of Character into the heart as a way of being? Sincerely, struggling mom.
I never that well in traditional schools. I didn’t attend alternative schools either, but I found traditional schooling really difficult. Probably a combination or learning style, maturity and more but either way, when my wife and I had children I decided I wanted a few things out of schools for our kids.
For public school (grades 1-8) I wanted them to learn to say “please,” and “thank you.” To hold doors open for people, to be respectful of their elders and visit their grandparents often.
Out of high school (grades 9-12) I want them to join up for clubs and/or sports teams, get a part-time job and know if an opportunity is right for them.
After high school they are mandated to take a gap year and they have three more objectives: to make $20,000, travel and expand their horizons.
I believe there’s something special about having three goals (I think three is a pretty powerful number in a lot of areas) and these goals are designed to make them think about who they want to be and I hope broad enough to allow them to be who they are during the process.
I don’t put a lot of effort in getting too upset about a lot of things so bad marks for example, aren’t a concern for me as long as they put in an effort. If they fail they’re going to learn a valuable lesson that has to do with summer school or something else.
I don’t know if this is the right answer but it’s the strategy I’m trying.