Overcoming Criticism
“You need to live your life. At least you do not have cancer.” Those were my sister’s words to me. It was on a day where I was at my parent’s house getting some down time while my kids played. This was a time when both my kids were in elementary school, my husband traveled frequently for work, and I dealt with daily migraines. I was on the executive board of the Parent Faculty Association and involved in my son’s scout troop and my daughter’s dancing. I did not go there to be called out by my younger sister who was not working or really doing anything with her life. Those words have stuck with me, a thorn in my mind whenever I feel like I am not able to do what I think I should be doing.
You know I am not feeling well when I have not touched my sewing machine in over two weeks (technically three and a half, but I was traveling so that time does not really count). Crafting is my superpower. I may not be able to fold my laundry without triggering a migraine, but even with a migraine I can usually manage to sew. Having a craft project always helps me to feel productive when I do not have the energy to do anything else. So, the fact that Blossom has sat unused for the past two weeks speaks to just how sick I have felt. And my sister’s words loom large in my mind. I have learned over the years to give myself grace when I am not doing well but let me tell you it has taken a lot of work to get there. At times, when my resistance is low, it is harder to push against the negative thoughts. As I am slowly coming out of the fog of sickness and feeling like I can actually get something done, the readings for this week in King and Pressfield seem apropos.
I want to stop and just linger on page 38 of Pressfield. He writes about Resistance and Criticism, saying, “When we see others beginning to live their authentic selves, it drives us crazy if we have not lived out our own.”[i] This quote really made me stop and think. Not about my own actions. It helps me to understand my family. My sister’s words so long ago make so much more sense to me. My family has been particularly on my mind recently. I found out when I was at Disney World with my friend that my mother made comments on my wedding day about how Andrew and I would not last more than two or three years. We celebrate our twenty-seventh anniversary this June. Obviously, my mom was wrong. What has caught my attention is wondering why she would say something like that, and on my wedding day no less. Why would my sister feel like she needed to tell me to live my life when I was the one who actually was getting out there and doing things?
This two-paragraph chapter on Resistance and Criticism speaks to what I have experienced with my family. I have stepped out, unafraid to live my life, to take a chance, and the response of my family is criticism. “Of all the manifestations of Resistance, most only harm ourselves. Criticism and cruelty harm others as well.”[ii] My parents have hardly spoken to me in eight years. I made the decision to set some healthy boundaries. The boundaries I set were about criticism. My parents only ever told me what they thought I was doing wrong. I asked for them to limit their criticism or at least include something positive occasionally. Their response was to tell me that they did not think we should talk anymore.
It has taken me years to come to a place of peace about this situation. Usually I am fine, but every once in a while, something comes up that brings up the pain of rejection again. This blog is me processing some of that pain through the lens of Steven Pressfield’s words. My mother’s words had nothing to do with me or even with whether she believed them. What she wanted was for me to fail in my marriage so that she could be the hero, the supportive mom who came in and rescued me. My sister’s words had nothing to do with me. It had to do with how she was feeling about her own life. I can either dwell on these words, allow Resistance to bring me down, or I can follow Pressfield’s advice and be a professional. “There’s no mystery to turning pro. It’s a decision brought about by an act of will. We make up our mind to view ourselves as pros and we do it. Simple as that.”[iii] I do not agree that it is simple, but the choice is there in front of me, and I chose to be a professional.
As Paul writes in Philippians 3:12-16, “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.”
[i] Steven Pressfield, The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles. (New York, Black Irish Entertainment LLC, 2002). Pg. 38.
[ii] Ibid., pg. 38.
[iii] Ibid., pg. 101.
About the Author
Becca Hald
Becca is an ordained Foursquare minister, serving as the Online Community Pastor at Shepherd's House Church. She has over twenty-five years of leadership experience both inside and outside the church. Becca has served her community in many capacities ranging from Administrative Assistant and Children’s Ministry Director to Secretary and President of multiple school organizations. She and her husband, Andrew have been married for over 25 years. They have two adult children, Drew and Evelyn. Her great passion is to equip others, to raise awareness about mental health, and to help reduce the negative stigma surrounding mental health issues. In her free time, she loves going to Disneyland, reading, sewing, and making cards.14 responses to “Overcoming Criticism”
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Becca,
Blossom…this is the name for your sewing machine?! Very cute. I hope she gets put to use soon.
I know that you have not been feeling well and this has left you open to vulnerable thoughts. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I am glad you have been able to process these thoughts (taking them captive). I am glad you were able to find what you needed in the reading this week.
Great job getting this done! I love how you punctuated the end by sharing the Scripture Phil. 3:12-16!
My prayer is that God will continue this beautiful work in you!
Thank you Kristy. Yes, Blossom is one of my sewing machines. I named them after the mice from Cinderella: Perla, Suzy, and Blossom. I still have not done any sewing yet, but I did sit in my craft cottage for a little while yesterday. Thank you for your continued prayers.
Becca,
Thank you for providing us a peek into your family life. Your vulnerability is inspirational. This post makes me think of one of Pressfield’s quotes about resistance coming from others. I can’t quote it exactly, or provide the page number because I don’t have the book with me right now (it might come from page 38), but the quote goes something like this: Criticism coming from others is their own insecurities at their own inability to push past resistance and life their full potential.
May you continue to push through, proving others wrong, and doing good work for the world that needs it.
Thank you David. I appreciate your encouragement. When I am able to step back and think about it, I can really see how the criticism I always experienced with my family was more about their insecurities than me. It is not always easy to remember though.
Becca,
Thank you for sharing so openly with us. I can’t really imagine the criticism you endeared to get to the place of setting healthy boundaries, but it took courage to draw the lines and stick to them. It takes even more to have those old wounds opened again. You are turning the resistance you face into fuel for creativity and achieving your goals. That is what is inspiring. That is what inspires others to reach out of the resistance they face toward the higher purpose. Your words name the pain that many others feel. You words also give them the courage to keep moving forward. Thank you for sharing both.
Thank you Chad. My prayer is that I can be a source of encouragement to others and provide space for others to share their own stories. I did not expect setting healthy boundaries to lead to my parents reaction. It has been painful to process, but also so healthy. I am grateful for the ways I have grown and how I have seen the Lord care for me in the absence of their critical voice.
Becca, So glad you are feeling better and getting back to your reading and writing and crafting! We need your creativity and input. Thank you for trusting us with your vulnerable story. I really like the Scripture from Philippians 3 with which you closed your blog. A part of that passage that caught my attention was this: “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.” That is such a great reminder that we can always be moving forward, no matter where we are in life, and make progress toward the goal God has called us. And, that Jesus calls us his own. That’s so amazing that our everyday context is: enveloped in Jesus’ love. Was there a particular part of this verse that struck a chord for you?
Thanks, Becca! So appreciate you.
Thank you Jenny. It feels good to be able to exercise my brain and my creativity even just a little bit. Philippians 3:14 is my life verse: “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” My greatest desire is to be one who finishes well, to always press on. I have had to have tenacity to persevere through many of the trials I have faced and this verse has been my reminder of why I press on – I press on for Jesus. I love the context of this passage – I am not perfect, I am not there yet, but I can leave my mistakes in the past and push toward the future. I can ask the Lord of wisdom and guidance when I need it and trust that He is always with me. And I can hold firmly to the lessons I have learned and the wisdom I have gained in my journey.
Becca, you are incredibly courageous to be able to process your vulnerability with your peers. Kudos. The pastor last week stated: “God will not heal what’s going on inside of you until you talk about it.” Again, kudos to you because you already have the key to your healing.
Thank you Audrey. I love what your pastor said. I have learned that it is important to process my past in order to heal and to move forward. It is not easy, but always worthwhile.
Becca, If God be for you, who can be against you? I am sorry that your family life turned out this way, but I thank God that he has allowed you to live above it. I bet there are other ways that you have live above criticism, can you think of any that come to mind?
Thank you Shonell. Amen! God is on my side and He has so abundantly blessed me. There are many instances I have had to live above the criticism. Specifically, I think about people who are critical of my weight. Yes, I am overweight. And, most people do not know my story. They do not know my struggle. They do not know how I tried for three weeks to use an elliptical to get healthy and then spent three months with a migraine as a result. They do not know how I struggle with low growth hormone and an insurance company that does not want to pay for needed medication. I have had to overcome the perceived criticism that I feel as a result. I love going to Disneyland and have learned that if I get a scooter when I go, I can make it through the day without getting a migraine and can even go on many of the rides that would otherwise knock me down for the day (if not the next week). What I keep reminding myself is that the people who matter do not care if I am using a scooter (and actually encourage it) and those who care do not matter.
How are Perla, Suzy, and Blossom? How are your headaches?
Sometimes things that family says or does hurts the deepest because you trust them the most. However, sometimes I think it can be a double edge sword because they feel comfortable enough around you to say what’s on their mind without any second thought.
Grace on both sides! I hope you are feeling better and love your openness…..
Alana, thank you my friend. Perla, Suzy, and Blossom are doing great and glad to be in use again! The wacky weather has triggered more headaches than I have had in a while, but nowhere near what I used to have, so I am managing. Family is not always easy, but God is so good and He is always with me.