Unlocking Triangles
Whoever coined the phrase, “there are two sides to every story,” never studied systems theory or emotional triangles. Based on chapter seven of Edwin Friedman’s book A Failure of Nerve, it seems there are actually three sides to most relational issues–the perspective of the two parties at the root of the struggle and that of a third person, issue or symptom that is brought into the mix when the original relationship becomes unstable.
Although I’ve been an avid student of emotional intelligence for several years, Friedman’s introduction to the concept of emotional triangles was the first time I encountered this particular theory of relational conflict. It is such an important concept to Friedman that he states, “for leaders, the capacity to understand and think in terms of emotional triangles can be the key to their stress, their health, their effectiveness, and the relational binds.” 1 Friedman’s emphasis on understanding the concept of emotional triangles left me wanting to understand more than his single chapter provided, so I searched out additional sources, including the original developer of emotional triangle theory, Dr. Murray Bowen, and several secondary sources that unpack Bowen’s theory in light of modern day leadership challenges. The following paragraphs describe the key take-aways I gleaned from Friedman’s chapter and this additional research.
Emotional Triangles are a Natural Way of Responding to Stress
When Dr. Murray Bowen initially developed the concept of emotional triangles in the 1950s, it was through observation of families. He noticed that the way family members dealt with anxiety, by bringing in a third party to distribute the stress, was “similar to the instinctive ways other species dealt with threats in (or to) their herds and packs.”2 In this way, Bowen’s theory was influenced by Darwin’s theory of a species’ patterns of survival or extinction. He theorized that humans manage stress in patterns (like other species) and pass those patterns down from generation to generation.
Emotional Triangles Have a Spiritual Connection
Bowen’s original theory of emotional triangles was explained “merely as the consequence of anxious patterns of family survival.” 3 But a look at the doctrine of original sin shows that problems in human relationships are more than a Darwinian effect. The first emotional triangle can be seen immediately after The Fall in the Garden of Eden. Therefore, our propensity to spread around our anxiety and extend our problems to others, has a spiritual component as well as a natural component.
Emotional Triangles Apply Equally to all Types of Groups and Communities
While Bowen’s original research was based on families, practitioners now recognize that emotional triangles are the primary relational framework for all types of communities including organizations, churches, and teams. In fact, “no matter who the people are or what the context, emotional triangles adhere to the following rules:
- They form out of the discomfort of people with one another.
- They function to preserve themselves and, perversely, oppose all intentions to change them.
- They interlock in a reciprocally self-reinforcing manner.
- They make it difficult for people to modify their thinking and behavior.
- They transmit a system’s stress to its most responsible or most focused member.” 4
It’s Easier to Identify Emotional Triangles for Other People than for Oneself
“Bowen theory, and the triangle concept in particular, is both very simple and very complicated, especially when one is trying to see the triangles in which one is embedded.” 5 This is why Dr. Bowen incorporated his own family into his study of emotional triangles. He wanted to see for himself how they operated in his personal relationships and wanted to test his theories about how to minimize the negative impact. The difficulty in identifying emotional triangles for oneself is a primary reason for engaging the help of a coach or therapist to sort out relational struggles.
It is Possible to Detriangle, But Not Escape
In my research about emotional triangles, I was MOST interested to learn how to avoid the pitfalls of triangular conflict, therefore it was helpful to learn that self-awarness, emotional maturity, and self-differentiation are all learnable skills that a person can employ to avoid the nagative impacts of triangles. While it is impossible to remove oneself from a triangle, it IS possible to move to a position that is above the fray and does not contribute to further escalation (detriangling). Pastor Lauren Errington, explains it as follows, “there are two main responses to anxiety–distancing and getting overly involved. Detraingling correlates to both of these: instead of distancing ourselves from others, we need to be in adequate emotional conact with them; and instead of getting emotionally involved, we need to remain emotionally separate to them. 6
In other words, we are all on a continuum of differentation, where we balance the need to belong and connect with the need to stand apart and have our own identity. The challenge as a leader (and a person, in general) is to learn that getting involved in a triangle to “fix” or “help” a problem between two other people is actually not at all helpful AND ignoring the problem altogether is not helpful. The BEST place to be is a neutral third party who remains in seperate contact with each of the other two and from this place of distance, encourages the two parties in conflict to work it out with eachother.
- Friedman, Edwin H., and Peter Steinke. A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (10th Anniversary, Revised Edition). New York: Church Publishing Incorporated, 2017, 219.
- Brown, Jenny, and Lauren Errington. “Bowen Family Systems Theory in Christian Ministry: Grappling with Theory and Its Application through a Biblical Lens.” Neutral Bay, New South Wales, Australia: The Family Systems Practice & Institute, 2019, 11.
- Brown, 66.
- Friedman, 219.
- Titelman, Peter. “Triangles: Bowen Family Systems Theory Perspectives.” New York: Haworth Press, 2008, xx).3
- Brown, 147.
About the Author
Laura Fleetwood
Laura Fleetwood is a Christian creative, certified Enneagram Coach, doctoral student at Portland Seminary and Creative Director at her home church, Messiah St. Charles. As a published author, national faith speaker, podcaster and self-described anxiety warrior, Laura uses storytelling to teach you how to seek the S T I L L in the midst of your chaotic life. Find Laura at www.seekingthestill.com3 responses to “Unlocking Triangles”
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Laura,
Your research provided another layer of depth to the concept of emotional triangles. Thank you!
I am still reflecting on how to stay connected, and neutral and not try to help or fix. I would think once a person tries to encourage each party in the triangle to work on fixing – that opens the door for conversation around the topic. Any thoughts on boundaries if the third party acts as a coach to both or should they say nothing at all?
Laura,
Great post and one that I have struggled through, not exactly knowing how to address the situation. In the world of relationships, it seems so natural to seek out another person as you pointed out in your research. The challenge is when does that become toxic or too neutral. What might be some ways that we can coach others and ourselves to be a healthy, differentiated addition to the triangle?
Outstanding post, Laura. I am a victim of all of these. I quickly fix issues and seem to also distance myself to an unhealthy level at times. I really appreciate your research and how you uncovered new layers to the emotional triangle philosophy. I hope by the third or fourth read of Failure of Nerve, I will start to implement it in my life more…
Thank you for dissecting these triangles for us. They are fascinating.