Becoming a Well-Differentiated Leader
So many good books so little time. Again, another great author. Another great book. A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix by Edwin H. Friedman is one of those books that I will continue to return to in order to be reminded that good leadership cannot be synthesized down to formulas or technique and know-how. Leadership is emotional. “Institutions are emotional fields,” as Friedman states, “environments of force that, for all their influences over people’s thinking processes, are like magnetic fields or gravitational fields, largely invisible to the naked eye.”[1] If this is the jungle we swing in than we cannot set aside our emotions and attempt to adopt some stoic-non-emotional leadership persona when we venture to become leaders. If anything we need to realize the emotional depths of institutions for every institution is made up of individuals and are therefore full of emotions. So how do we handle the swirl of emotions around us and in us?
When I pastored I use to joke that the church could be quite easy to manage if it were not for all the people. People, with all their emotional baggage, would come in and pile their baggage in my office, down the hall, in the sanctuary, and in the sound booth. Even behind the pulpit there was baggage, I should know, for that is where I stood. Friedman does not deny this emotional baggage nor does he try to provide a quick fix but rather articulates a stance within the emotional storm swirling around each leader. He refers to it as “differentiation.”
Though Friedman provides an extensive definition of differentiation in chapter 5, it was the statement he had written in the introduction that I read to my wife that, I believe, encompasses the depths of wisdom that Friedman attempts to mine for us.
[When speaking of a well-differentiated leader] I mean someone who has clarity about his or her own life goals, and therefore, someone who is less likely to become lost in the anxious emotional processes swirling about. I mean someone who can be separate while still remaining connected, and therefore can maintain a modifying, non-anxious, and sometimes challenging presence. I mean someone who can manage his or her own reactivity to the automatic reactivity of others, and therefore be able to take stands at the risk of displeasing.[2]
“Yes, that’s it!” I exclaimed to my wife. If a leader can be present to the emotional environment and not be sucked in by the powerful vortex he stands a chance at providing the needed leadership for the organization. But there in lies the difficult of any leader. For every leader needs to lead himself whilst he seeks to lead others. To hold back the forces of other peoples emotions may be an easy task, it is not so easy to hold back one’s own emotions when the swirling vortex begins.
“Differentiation is the lifelong process of striving to keep one’s being in balance through the reciprocal external and internal processes of self-definition and self-regulation.”[3] It is up to the leader to hold his own emotions in check, containing his own reactivity in the face of emotional winds. This is done with a strong internal guidance system. Knowing one’s self and one’s goals that constantly provide that compass bearing regardless of the changing winds. I think of all the movies with great heroes and I recognize this differentiation in all of them. From Gladiator to Braveheart, to Invictus each of the leaders, though present in the midst of the storms, were not taken in by the vortex. They had a strong personal knowledge and emotional tenacity to know their own destiny. They were clear about their own personal goals and values. As I read this book I could not help but think of the greatest of all heroes, Jesus himself. That in the midst of all the emotional storms he faced He set his face like flint toward His goal. For the joy that was set before Him, He endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right had of the throne of God. Now that is one who has achieved differentiation. I must ask the question to myself, and so I ask you also reader, what must you do to point your life in the direction of differentiation and thus become more like Jesus?
_______________________
Differentiation refers to a direction in life rather than a state of being. Which of the following do you struggle with the most and why?
- Differentiation is the capacity to take a stand in an intense emotional system.
- Differentiation is saying “I” when others are demanding “we.”
- Differentiation is containing one’s reactivity to the reactivity of others, which includes the ability to avoid being polarized.
- Differentiation is maintaining a non-anxious presence in the face of anxious others.
- Differentiation is knowing where one ends and another begins.
- Differentiation is being able to cease automatically being one of the system’s emotional dominoes.
- Differentiation is being clear about one’s own personal values and goals.
- Differentiation is taking maximum responsibility for one’s own emotional being and destiny rather than blaming others or the context.
[1] Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (New York: Seabury Books, 2007), 15.
[2] Ibid., 14.
[3] Ibid., 183.
About the Author
Mitch Arbelaez
International Mission Mobilizers with Go To Nations Living and traveling the world from Jacksonville Florida8 responses to “Becoming a Well-Differentiated Leader”
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Mitch, I very much appreciate your personal approach to this book, especially that of a church leader. I love your comment that church would be easy to manage if not for the people…especially with all their emotional baggage. That is so true, and isn’t that what it often feels like…that you are simply trying to calm the emotional tornados that are blowing all around you! That is what it often felt like for me as I did ministry with college students (that was emotions on hormones!). I think this concept alone makes Friedman so valuable, as he shows how easy it is to be swept up into these raging winds (especially as church leaders). But I also love the paradox that is difficult for us to figure out and balance. This idea of being both connected while being separated — it doesn’t make sense but yet it does. And it is necessary to truly be there for people. Jesus is that great example as you point out: He was probably the most connected person ever, but if you want to find a person who was total differentiated and wholly His own person above the fray, it is Jesus. It is what we need to immolate if we hope to be effective leaders. Let me ask: How have you been able to find this balance in your own ministry and life? Great thoughts and insights, Mitch!
Hey Mitch, loved this post. Prior to working in our church full-time, I managed a computer store for 4 years. One of favourite observations, when people asked about the difference, was that “with computers you can wipe the memory and start fresh and everything works smoothly, with people…not so much.”
As for your questions at the end, the one that most intrigues me, and likely the point that I differ with Friedman, is the concept of “I”. One of the greatest challenges is to figure out how the “we” helps to define the “I” or to put it another way, understanding that the “I” is incomplete apart from the “we”. Which ties into the knowing where one ends and the other begins.
Into the vortex we go…
Wow, Deve. That last paragraph – “I” vs. “We” – I’ll be chewing on that the rest of the night.
Love the idea of wiping the memory! If only it were that easy. I understand the difficulty you bring up regarding community vs. individuality. Again I must go back to Jesus, our best example, He was very individualistic in that he moved own to other places when there was yet people who needed Him there. He left the crowds to be alone with His Father. He was more compelled to be about His Father’s His business than to even eat at times. Yet, despite all this He was so much part of the lives of the people around him, weeping when they wept, lovely correcting them, and all the while not allowing the vicious emotions of the people to deter Him from His set purpose. Thoughts?
Mitch, another great post. Thanks for dwelling on Friedman’s understanding of a differentiated leader. Reason being, I found the concept intriguing although the principles that group the thought were familiar and applied to other approaches.
The ability to identify and set “SMART”- (Special. Measure. Attainable. Realistic. Timely.) goals grounded in truth based values is such an area of great interest to me and a constant process of learning in leadership as I purpose knowledge my destiny.
Thanks Mitch
Hi Mitch!
A really well written blog post! I love your line where you say how pastoring would be a lot easier if it weren’t for all the people, lol.
You know, one thing I’m realising more and more in ministry is just how messed up we all are. Every individual in my church is carrying some of the baggage, and most of it is in the form of hurt and pain. Either from a relationship in the past, or past sins and regrets and so on. Indeed, it can create a swirling emotional mess as you mention. Anyway, my point is, I’m realising how God alone can deal with all of that! God alone can heal a hurting heart, can foster forgiveness in someone’s heart, can heal a broken relationship etc. We can only do so much as pastors. God is the one who does the real, transformational work. The hidden work in people’s hearts. But oh, how we need wisdom, integrity (differentiation) to be able to navigate amidst all of that.
Great work Mitch 🙂
Mitch,
I like that you are noting — along with Friedman — that we can’t leave our emotions at the door. As well, I like the post overall.
There is one piece that I would like to think further about.
I read this is Friedman and appreciate reading it here again. It’s an interesting phrase in light of Friedman’s earlier encouragement to steer clear of either/or thinking. He writes that, “Differentiation is knowing where one ends and another begins.” Sure. Important. But then again, do we really ever fully know where one ends and another begins? Of course, I can make this up in my mind, decide that it’s correct and follow through on it. But that doesn’t necessarily mean its correct. That’s the thing for me…I appreciated not only his self-differentiation, I appreciated the tension of self-differentiating in community. Thinking back to the idea of ubuntu…I am because we are. Perhaps Friedman might have had concerns about their self-differentiation… Now there’s a conversation. 🙂
Mitch…
Thank you for your words and your questions! Reading through those questions I realize that at different times in my life each one has been the leading question. Right now I am paying attention to these: “Differentiation is the capacity to take a stand in an intense emotional system” and connected to that is: “Differentiation is maintaining a non-anxious presence in the face of anxious others.” The on-going question I am responding to is: Differentiation is being clear about one’s own personal values and goals.” I am especially grateful for our leadership process in our DMin program. For most of my life my personal values and goals were dependent upon others. Not all of that has been unhealthy, it has been clarifying and has helped me to step toward differentiation in this area.
What questions are resonating for you?
Appreciatively