Anxious Conversations
There is no better masterclass in leadership than Failure of Nerve. It brilliantly diagnosis the problem of modern society and the lack of leadership, only to invite the leader to look at themselves to understand where the problems truly lies. This is the unique and timeless perspective that Friedman offers in the ubiquitous leadership environment that seeks to offer approaches to fix the external world. Friedman, on the other hand, invites the leader to look in the mirror to face the problem.
With a realized directness honed over deep reflection and countless experiences, Friedman’s candor shines through as he observes, “I believe there exists throughout America today a rampant sabotaging of leaders who try to stand tall amid the raging anxiety-storms of our time.”2 He goes on to say that, “It is our tendency to adapt to its immaturity.”3 The problem, Friedman argues, is that the anxiety within the system and its influence over the leader is what results in a “failure of nerve.”4 While most leaders seek out new skills, approaches and quick fixes, Friedman points out that, “…leadership is essentially an emotional process rather than a cognitive phenomenon…”5 Therefore, there is no need to seek out a new systematic approach to dealing with the difficulties in our relationships at work, Schoo, church or wherever. Instead, we are to take responsibility for ourselves and the situation, without blaming those outside of themselves.6
This made me think of two conversations I had this week. One that I initiated and the other that was shared over text message this morning. The first conversation was with a fellow pastor as we were swapping stories of those “anxious” people in our congregations. In what felt like an out-of-body moment, I observed myself blaming a group of people for forcing a change to the worship order that I did not want to make. As I was talking, I could hear the words of Friedman saying, “Chronically anxious families encourage blame rather than ownership.”7 I begin to wonder if my friend was experiencing what Friedman described when he met with people. He could tell within minutes if they were anxious because of how they talked.8
The second experience was when a staff member texted me about a perceived problem with an event later that night. The text indicated that a new family registered for the event that was only a few hours away, but requested gluten-free food for the child. The staff member’s text seemed to indicate that she was put out by the request, but never stated what she wanted from me. I replied that she could either provide the food or not. It was her choice, just let the family know what you decided to do. The lack of defined request from the staff member when brining the problem to my attention seemed to be an act of attempting to bring me into the anxiety she felt about the last-minute request. From my outside perspective, the solutions were found in straight forward differentiated leadership: meet the request or inform them that you could not provide the accommodation. The common experience is an example of what Friedman describes as, “…always assumed to be the eternal truths of their profession…”7 In this case, the need to bringing others into the shared anxiety around an upcoming event is an example of a leadership crisis shared within the system I am a part of.10
Reading this book remind me that I want to be a differentiated leader as described by Friedman. Not only does he clearly state the problem being rampant anxiety in the systems of our lives, Friedman calls out the solution as the differentiated leader who can take responsibility for their own emotions with a “challenging presence.”11 While it does not qualify as a quick-fix or even gentle approach, the book does what a masterclass should do – challenge the reader to become who they were meant to be for the good of those they lead and themselves.
1. Friedman, Edwin H, Margaret M Treadwell, and Edward W Beal. 2017. A Failure of Nerve : Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. New York: Church Publishing.
2. Ibid., 2.
3. Ibid.
4. Ibid., 1.
5. Ibid., 14 (italics in original).
6. Ibid., 21.
7. Ibid., 83.
8. Ibid., 16.
9. Ibid., 30.
10. Ibid., 29.
11. Ibid., 16.
About the Author
Chad McSwain
Chad is a systematic creative serving in pastoral ministry for nearly 20 years, Chad is a professional question-asker and white-board enthusiast, who enjoys helping people discover their own passions and purpose. A life-long learner, he has a B.A, Philosophy - Univ. Central Oklahoma, M.A Theology - Fuller Seminary, M.Div. Perkins School of Theology at SMU and is pursuing a Doctor of Leadership - George Fox University. He is an ordained Elder in the United Methodist Church, currently serving as Lead Pastor of Whitesboro UMC. Chad and his wife, Brandi live in Prosper, Texas along with their three children, two pugs and a chameleon.9 responses to “Anxious Conversations”
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Hey Chad,
Thank you for sharing these stories! I’m curious, when others releasing anxious energy that you now get to deal with as a leader, what is the emotional cost to you in order to stay well-differentiated? One of my prayers is “Lord, help me to remain well-differentiated, but also have a soft heart for the people I pastor.” I recently heard Mark Sayers on the Carey Niuewholf Leadership podcast in which he quoted Friedman. But he gave this profound caveat. He said something like, “We cannot do this apart from the power of God” as his critique of a major missing element to Friedman’s content.
Wow…what a great question. I don’t know the answer to that just yet. I find it both liberating not to carry other’s anxiety, yet distancing to those I want to empathize with. Currently, I am mediating on the thought, “I am not the Savior of this person/church. Jesus is the Savior.”
I heard that on Carey Nieuwhof’s podcast too! I love that podcast.
Hi Chad,
You are right; my friend, Friedman does excellent work inviting readers to look within. This is a challenge to all leaders and those who are aspiring to lead. Curious, do you plan to share the master class with your leadership team?
I am certainly thinking about it! I did remind one of my teams today that we do not let anxious people set the agenda for us. If we feel this is the best way forward, we need to own it when others disagree.
This is only the beginning of how we will be considering the work of Friedman in the life of our church.
Chad – Your self-awareness is so apparent in the two examples you shared. Way to go in recognizing the ways that anxiety was leading. Awareness is always the first step toward positive change.
Chad, What a great summary of Friedman’s points, as well as a specific look at how we can apply his insights to specific situations in our own lives. I appreciated this thought in your first paragraph: “This is the unique and timeless perspective that Friedman offers in the ubiquitous leadership environment that seeks to offer approaches to fix the external world. Friedman, on the other hand, invites the leader to look in the mirror to face the problem.”
Your personal account of recent conversations with people on your staff was a great way to illustrate Friedman’s point, apply it to your own context, and inspire your readers to do the same! Do you have any wisdom to offer on how we can be introspective in the moment and catch ourselves repeating the unhealthy habits we hope to overcome?
Thanks for sharing your insights and your personal story!
Thanks Jenny. I know it the minute I begin to blame others for why something isn’t happening that I believe should happen. It is embarrassing really but when I know it, I know the person I’m talking to knows it.
Chad, would you mind just taking this problem for me or would you like to jump into this emotional gluten-free triangle with us? Classic “monkey on the back” passing. Well done in empowering the individual and bowing out.
This is a couple weeks from your original posting…. how is it going now… have you shared the master class yet?
In the comments in looked like you have started tid bits….” we do not let anxious people set the agenda for us. If we feel this is the best way forward, we need to own it when others disagree.”
Is your team catching on?