Perfect Power in Weakness
Edwin H. Friedman’s book A Failure of Nerve “Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix” is excellent; Friedman’s unique experience and observation on leadership took him to different essential spheres of our society, including family, church, and politics. There are several lessons; I want to look at some and will reference some other resources that seem to support the learning.
A non-anxious presence
“But I will add that when anxiety reaches certain thresholds, “reasonableness and honest no longer defend against illusions, and then even the most learned ideas can begin to function as superstitions”[1]. Friedman reminds us that leadership is not about trade, skills, many books to read and master but about strengths and the ability to regulate one’s anxiety which he refers to as self-differentiation. As I returned to Friedman for the second time, I started to support some of his ideas more than I did the first time. As my mentor, John Maxwell has said as he defines leadership, “Leadership is influence, nothing more, nothing less” I believe Friedman helps show how to lead well, avoiding falling into the traps of false empathy and triangulations.
Relations and emotional triangulation
“Emotional triangles form because of the inherent instability of two-person relationships. This instability increases because of a lack of differentiation of the partners, chronic anxiety in the surrounding emotional atmosphere, and the absence of well-defined leadership.”[2]
Some of the lessons of Chaplain Residency that I will never miss is our Interpersonal Relations Seminar IPR. These were always exciting times when so many tears were shed and emotions consistently high. What happens here is a roundtable of interactions on various issues where fellow chaplains question and probe every word you say, whether an interaction with a patient that day or what triggered the way you responded, intentions were investigated. Underlying beliefs challenged in a learning and “non-threatening environment.”
While we tried and shared tears and laughter, it was not easy to see one of your colleagues struggles and avoids the jump in and help to rescue the challenge of what Friedman and Bowen call emotional triangulations. After countless hours of Interpersonal relationships, you become a family and identify with one another in different ways.
Righteous Lamentation of a wounded minister
In relationships, Friedman says, “An emotional triangle is any three members of any relationship system or any two members plus an issue or symptom”[3]. Friedman would work very well with Murray Bowen’s systems theory and will not have issues with Walker’s leading out of who you are, discovering the secrets of undefended leadership. I would love the discussion when he meets Henri J. M. Nouwen in his Wounded Healer or Bessel Van Der Kolk’s book The Body Keep a Score. “If any idea in Bowen family systems theory is central in importance, it is the idea of differentiation of self. It is essential to understanding relationships.”[4]
The song (By the rivers of Babylon) keeps playing in the back of my mind as I think and write, is there such a thing as righteous Lamentation? Probably some of the authors here would see woundedness, Lamentation as complete weakness, “undefended ness or leading undifferentiated.” The Psalmist sings from a place of pain; some of these wounds must have been physical, psychological, or spiritual, anxiety and brokenness to David. The Psalmist must have been “daily bread” like some of us. There is a chance that the very reason they remain is to be a source of courage and strength. “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast even more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV). Whether training or serving as Chaplain, leaders in a church or politics indeed self-differentiation, a non-anxious presence can make a significant difference. For those of faith, I believe it is different from self-confidence or having confidence in anything else but the Lord Jesus. Like we were trained to be present and help patients, families, I always remind myself that the Lord’s presence is always at work, and there is nothing I can do without him.
[1] Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, ed. Margaret M. Treadwell and Edward W. Beal, 10th anniversary revised edition. (New York: Church Publishing, 2017).
[2] Ibid.
[3] Ibid.
[4] Roberta M. Gilbert, Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking about Human Interactions (New York: John Wiley & Sons, 1992).
About the Author
Jean de Dieu Ndahiriwe
Jean de Dieu Ndahiriwe is a Clinical Correctional Chaplain and former Child Refugee from War-torn Rwanda. A member of the Maxwell Leadership Certified Team, Jean is passionate about Servant Leadership and looks forward to seeing more leaders that inspire Lasting Peace and Justice for all, especially "the least of these".7 responses to “Perfect Power in Weakness”
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Hey Jean,
This was brilliantly organized and pieced together. Thank you! Your invitation into leading from a place of nonanxious, self-differentiation is compelling. But becoming self-differentiated does not happen over night. What do you think are some of the habits necessary for leaders in order to be self-differentiated and nonanxious?
Hey David,
Good question, my friend. I think our last zoom session has an answer for us; coaching is a fantastic method that leaders can use and move to a new level of awareness and find support to overcome most obstacles.
Jean,
What great reminders in your post, especially about the non-anxious presence of the Lord. His presence surely is always at work, even when we are unaware of it. For that I am ever thankful. Well done my friend.
Tonette – Thank you for the comment, I am very grateful his presence kept you, my dear. Glad you are well after what you went through. Keeping you in my thoughts.
Jean – I so relate to your desire to want to jump in and “fix” your fellow pastors’ problems. Thinking in terms of emotional triangles is a new concept to me that I explored in great detail this past week and it’s helping me understand that the best way for me to “help” is remain neutral and coach others to resolve their issues on their own. It’s so difficult to do, though, especially with my loved ones. Do you have a strategy for resisting the urge to “fix” problems for other people?
Jean, what a wonderful post!!!!
I wonder… while allowing leaders to develop a non-anxious presence and the strength of faith… What is the first step to help leaders make positive changes in their relationships and society?
Thanks for the question Alana,
I am a fun of Gandhi saying “You must be the change you want to see in the world”. As Leaders, we must embrace change from within and then make those positive changes elsewhere.