When to Say Yes and When to Say No
Reading Mining For Gold by Tom Camacho reminded me of a time when I was planting a new church and my husband was planting a new community center. When anyone would approach me or my husband with a new idea my husband’s first instinct would be to say, “Yes! That’s a great idea! Let’s try it! What do you need to make it work?” My first instinct was usually, “Oh, heck no!” I mean, what if the idea failed? What if the person with the idea wasn’t capable? I wanted the idea and the person to be well vetted before I was comfortable engaging in ministry together. My husband, on the other hand, felt that you never knew what opportunity or new ministry might sprout because we said yes!
After a few years of working together I was struggling. Working from a place of fear, my ego at stake, I resonated with how Camacho felt when his church plant ended, it was a “difficult and crushing process for his ego and his confidence.”[1] Watching the community center flourish while my church plant limped along, I began to see how I was operating from a place of scarcity whereas my husband, from a place of abundance. Over time I began to say yes more often than no. I began to see that as Camacho says, “Gold is everywhere”[2] and part of my call as a new church pastor was to draw out the gold within the people asking to serve!
As I learned to see the “abundance”[3] of “raw material for developing leaders” the stress I felt to perform and do it all lessened. I was able to step back while others stepped forward, bringing creativity and new life to this struggling community. As I “let go of the reins I was freed up to pursue my own growth and development.” [4]
However, I still struggle with what Camacho calls, “clarity”[5] in my call as a pastor. I have clarity about who God is – well, as much clarity as anyone can have about God but that’s a whole other blog post! I have a good sense about who I am as a beloved child of God. I know I am designed to create and be in relationship with people. Even the pain in my life has brought clarity about how I can best serve in the world. Yet, what I struggle with is the “tyranny of the urgent!” [6]
According to Camacho, this calls for better “boundaries”[7] and yet, I think I have pretty good boundaries! I say no when I don’t want to do something, especially at work, but I’m not going to pretend that I don’t feel guilty. I will often try to figure out how I can do it all instead of simply saying no.
What I am discovering though is that my job description is very broad making it easy for people to point to me whenever something needs to be done! We need someone to preach? Ask Kally. We need someone to teach a class? Ask Kally. Someone needs to be visited? Ask Kally. We need table cloths and cookies for the memorial service? Ask Kally. We need to start a support group, to welcome folks, to lead the session meeting…ask Kally. You get the point.
I understand that many if not all of these jobs can fall under the role of pastor, however, the tyranny of the urgent leaves me feeling like nothing ever gets accomplished. This is probably because nothing ever gets accomplished! Most of these tasks do not fall in my “sweet spot”[8] and leave me running from one thing to the next, only rarely in the direction of where I actually want to go!
I want to build a mental health ministry that serves our church and our larger community. I have the support of the leadership of the church to build this ministry. However, it is going to take time, perseverance, and apparently, some pretty strong boundaries.
I wonder, if Camacho was coaching me through this process if he would ask me “what would happen if I gave myself permission to make a change and move towards my sweet spot?” [9]
It’s a question I am pondering.
1] Tom Camacho, Mining for Gold: Developing Kingdom Leaders through Coaching(London: InterVarsity Press, 2019).166
2] Camacho, 17.
3] Camacho, 17.
4] Camacho, 43.
5] Camacho, 61.
6]Camacho, 185.
7]Camacho, 185.
8]Tom Camacho, Mining for Gold: Developing Kingdom Leaders through Coaching.160
9] Tom Camacho, Mining for Gold: Developing Kingdom Leaders through Coaching 162
About the Author
Kally Elliott
Mom of four. Wanna-be Broadway star. PC(USA) pastor. Wife. Friend. Sometimes a hot mess. Sometimes somewhat together. Is this supposed to be a professional bio?8 responses to “When to Say Yes and When to Say No”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Go for it Kally!
As I was reading your self-reflection about having having good boundaries…I thought, “Perhaps you just need clarity on what to put your efforts towards?”
However, you went on to answer that question: A mental health ministry for your church and community.
Perhaps the invitation before you is to let some things/activities/ministries die (perhaps even some good things) so that the best can fully bloom to life?
A secondary question: What might need to die in you in order to for that to take place?
Ohhh…that sounds like a coaching question!
Wisdom, discernment, patience and courage to you as you organize yourself towards ‘the one thing.’
(and I hope your knee is healing well!)
Scott, I’d like to let most all of it die. The problem is I say this (in a much more professional way) to my supervisor and while he is on board, there is always something that really can’t be let to die. It’s like the 80/20 rule only it feels more like the 20/80 rule in our case. I am committed to having more conversations with him about this and trying to whittle down my job description so that I can feel like I am moving forward instead of in a thousand directions.
I’m sitting here with the ice machine on my knee right now! Can we speed up this healing process?
Kally, I learned the hard way that “No.” is a complete sentence. I am also learning the importance of knowing what I am saying yes to and why. It makes saying “No.” and setting boundaries so much easier! Things just seem to fall into place with that clarity Camacho discussed. I love your vision for a mental health care ministry. What sparks that vision?
Hi Jenny! The spark to my interest in building a mental health ministry is actually my own husband’s mental health diagnosis. He lives with bipolar 1. He’s very healthy and takes care of himself in a way that is pretty awesome but it is something we have to be aware of and have a plan for when it rears its head. I also serve on the board for NAMI Central Oregon and teach Family to Family classes. I want people to know they are not alone in this mental health journey! I also hope to help normalize the conversation around mental health and to teach people that there is hope for health! It takes work but there is hope!
Mental health ministry is one that is beckoned for and needed in and outside of the church. Kuddos for your heart for this area. Your post shows that your heart is being shaped and formed and drawn into new realms. This is where transition coupled with transformation asks the question “What is God inviting me to?” and “What does not serve this invitation well?” I have found that what has gotten me to where I am is not what will take me to where I need to go. I would add that what we know about ourselves needs greater processing and awareness with others and the Holy Spirit so that we can find the momentum that Camacho describes: a momentum that “releases freedom, fruit, and fulfilment.” (p. 122) Ah, yes…that sweet spot.
When you close your writing with a question, I think it indicates that you are ready to listen. I am sure you know Camacho’s WAIT acrostic very well. It reminds us of the willingness to listen. In the process of listening, we haven’t decided on a solution yet. However, listening helps us to discern God’s intentions and will. Perhaps this is not an easy process for us. I also feel the same way. I pray for you as a form of my support. Keep moving forward in answering your ministry call, Kally!
Kally! You and your husband sound like me and my husband. I’m the one who jumps up and says Yes! While my husband has a long and deep discerning way of being. When we tapped into each other it went well. Our last church post as pastors was a “revitalizing” church, meaning it’s about to die and hiring a young pastor and family (the key demographic for a lot of graying churches) may be the key to turn it around. I learned 2 lessons in co-pastoring this church. As the youth and family pastor I saw a lot of kids playing on our big lot, it was a lower income neighborhood with a very run down park out of the way so our lot was a place of freedom for them. All I heard from the church was how destructive these kids were to our freshly planted flowers. This triggered a BHAG session for me. A BHAG is Big Hairy Audacious Goal, asking a group of people committed to kids, if money, time and resources were not an issue, what would we do in this neighborhood? We began an extensive summer program with neighborhood carnivals, a ninja warrior type obstacle course, and movies on a big screen on our lawn. Our church grew! It was amazing, but here is where we failed. We went outside of the walls to be present, but when they came into our church, we expected them to change to our way of being instead of being changed by them. Not a very welcoming environment, and we died anyway. We doubled the people, but failed to disciple and welcome them, and being these were people new to church, who did not understand tithing. SO we had people and no money and bitterness that the young women in my youth group didn’t “work in the kitchen”, and we had long standing mature Christians saying, “what about us old duffers?” Really? All of church is for you, what else did you need? Ugh…I’m ranting. What I glean from your post is the Urgency and the constant call to keep saying yes and being all things to all people. Burnout and destroyed pastoral families happen far more than we want to admit. There are 2 sayings or Mantra’s I said to myself and my husband when we were in church ministry. 1. A vocation is more than a job, less than a life. We cannot give our whole life to “the call”, it’s an essential piece, but we have so much more God calls us to. This lead to the sad mantra of a song by Arcade Fire called “Intervention” whose repeated lyric is “Working for the church while your family dies”. Wonder if he was a Pastor’s kid? I think Camacho is very helpful in addressing the “sweet spot”, trying to get other’s to understand that is such a challenge for Pastors. Praying for you sister. I love your mental health focus in church, talk about a marginalized group from the church and our need to address it from within.
As I’ve come to know you through the program I’m continually pleased to learn new qualities about you. In this instance it was how articulate of a writer you are.
As Scott mentioned above, as I read your post I began to think, “Oh geez, she should be thinking ‘this,'” or “Kally might have been better served to try ‘that.'”
It is plainly clear to me you have a posture of being able to learn. While perhaps it hasn’t been articulated, it has definitely been acted upon.
And then in the next paragraph you would answer that question.