The Unavoidable Ingredient to Leadership Formation
“He is the kind of man I want to be like when I am in my senior years.” These words came to mind as we were at the Desmond and Leah Tutu Exhibit. Tutu was a man of remarkable depth, love for people, and a zest for life. How his character formed into such a magnanimous presence is the result of much suffering and leaning on God as he led people toward a better future for all.
Do I really want my life to be exactly like his, with all the suffering included? Unfortunately, becoming the leader I desire to be requires experiencing some heat. As Harry Truman says, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” [1] Heat is the unavoidable ingredient in the formation of a leader.
Tod Bolsinger writes about the process of becoming a leader who can survive the crucible of leadership – particularly, change-initiating leadership – in his book Tempered Resilience.[2] This requires a process of being “tempered.” The unfortunate reality is resistance (sabotage) is unavoidable in good leadership. As Edwin Friedman writes, “a leader can never assume success because he or she has brought about a change. It is only after having first brought about a change and then subsequently endured the resultant sabotage that the leader can feel truly successful.”[3] Becoming the kind of person who can withstand this requires tempering. Bolsinger writes, “Tempering a leader is a process of reflection, relationships, and practices during the act of leading that form resilience to continue leading when the resistance is highest.”[4] He breaks down six stages of the tempering process. They are found in the figure below:
Figure 1 – Tod Bolsinger, Tempered Resilience: How Leaders Are Formed in the Crucible of Change (InterVarsity Press, 2020), 6.
For this post, I will highlight each stage and how I am currently engaging with that particular tempering process.
Working: Leaders are formed in leading.
Currently, I am leading a department with five staff that report to me. This is my first experience of managing staff and leading ministries I am not directly involved in. This experience is teaching and shaping me more than simply reading books on leadership theory (not that reading books is unimportant, but the actual practice of leading is far more formative).
Heating: Strength is forged in self-reflection.
In leading, we feel the heat of our vulnerabilities, insecurities, and weakness.[5] We can choose to ignore them and project strength, but this causes us to be brittle leaders, and not the kind of leaders people want to follow. The other day during a team meeting, a member pushed back on something I said and gave another idea for an event we were planning. In that moment, I felt offended. In fact, the feeling of offense lingered the rest of the evening. It took everything inside of me to keep from saying, “No, we’re going to do what I said. Need I remind you who the boss of this department is?” But the next day, I pushed myself into further reflection. This involved asking questions such as “Why was I offended? What inside of me felt threatened?” This is the uncomfortable heat of facing my weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and insecurities that surface in the crucible of leadership.
Holding: Vulnerable leadership requires security.
Few people are as dangerous as an isolated leader, void of meaningful, secure relationships. Fortunately, my life is rich with relationships. There are people in my life who are not impressed by my position or accomplishments, but know me for who I am. This includes my wife, my best friends (two guys I went to college with who are also in leadership positions within their organizations), and my mentor (a 73-year-old retired pastor who cares more about character than career).
Hammering: Stress makes a leader.
Just as an athlete needs to inflict physical stress on his or her muscles in order to improve, so do leaders need to lean into stress in order to increase their pain-management capacity. Good stress (and there is a difference between good stress and bad stress that we do not have time to go into) is an invitation for growth. The times I have been stressed through leading outside of my comfort zone are the times I have grown in character and capacity.
Hewing: Resilience take practice.
Leadership, like any skill, takes practice. And it is a practice of character formation. I will never forget in South Africa hearing Pastor Zonde state, “Leadership is not a position. It is a person.” In my early days of learning to preach, I gave some really bad sermons. The reason I am far better at preaching today than ten years ago is because of practice. Leadership is no different. This is why practicing the spiritual disciplines is critical for me to become a leader with Christ-like character.
Tempering: Resilience comes through a rhythm of leading and not leading.
Let’s return to the athlete analogy. Training does not solely require stressing the muscles in order to become stronger. Good training is a rhythm of stress and rest. Continual stress is not good for any athlete. This is the same with leadership. Taking all of my vacation days each year is a non-negotiable for me, as well as maintaining a weekly rhythm of sabbath. Without these rhythms of rest, I will surely break.
Becoming Tempered – Thick Skin, and a Soft Heart
Years ago I was in a meeting with a group of young church staff and a seasoned pastor imparting wisdom to us. He made a statement that has remained with me since: “I want to go through my ministry days with thick skin and a soft heart.” Possessing only one of these is dangerous. Tempered steel “is perfectly balanced at the midpoint between too soft to be useful as a tool and so brittle that the tool will break through hard use.”[6] Leaders must develop this balance. This is the kind of leader I want to become. And this will require some tempering.
[1] Tod Bolsinger, Tempered Resilience: How Leaders Are Formed in the Crucible of Change (InterVarsity Press, 2020), 77.
[2] Ibid.
[3] Friedman, A Failure of Nerve, 262.
[4] Ibid. 5.
[5] Ibid. 79.
[6] Ibid. 5.
About the Author
David Beavis
David is Australian by birth, was raised in Southern California, and is the Youth and Young Adults Pastor at B4 Church in Beaverton, Oregon. David and his wife, Laura, live in Hillsboro with their dog, Coava (named after their favorite coffee shop). M.A. Theology - Talbot School of Theology B.A. Psychology - Vanguard University of Southern California4 responses to “The Unavoidable Ingredient to Leadership Formation”
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David,
I have enjoyed and been encourage by reading your post… I think most by reading the tempering portion. It is where I am weakest. It’s good to hear another leader say they take all their vacation days and a weekly Sabbath. I fall short. I need to instill this next semester. I think it will make a huge difference in my health. Thank you!
David – I love how you had the self awareneses to ask yourself those reflective questions about why you felt defensive to your collegue’s different idea. That shows great growth and wisdom. I’m curious if you decided to go with his idea instead of yours in the end?
David – thank you for sharing. I can relate to so much of what you shared. There is nothing like feeling of your direct reports pushing back on your ideas. You are wise to practice some reflection and to know your heart in that moment. That will do so much for your own formation, the growth of your team and finding the best idea in the situation.
How is your relationship with this team member? How might you handle the situation differently when it happens again?
David,
Really well written post. I thought the ending quote ‘thick skin, and a soft heart,’ was powerful.
As a leader, what are some ways you will you train up the next generation to walk with a thick skin and soft heart?