Shame and Blame Get You Nowhere
Shame is a universal emotion in the human experience. It is not a pleasant emotion, nor is it typically a helpful one. Shame guru, researcher Brene Brown, states that, “shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.” (1) Author Shelby Steele takes the definition of shame and ascribes it to an entire nation in his 2015 book, Shame: How America’s Past Sins Have Polarized Our Country.
The premise of Steele’s book is that when America awoke to its insidious hypocrisies of racisms, sexism and militarism in the 1960’s, a communal sense of shame led to a seismic division of opinion in how we should atone for those sins and move into a more equitable era. The liberal side of the country used the emotion of shame to position the U.S. as an inherently evil nation that needed to use proactive, reparation measures such as affirmative action, welfare and other social programs to level the playing field among previously disenfranchised groups. Once a former supporter of these liberal ideologies, Steele had a conversion of thought when he noticed these policies were sometimes keeping people stuck instead of freeing them to compete and thrive on the basis of their own capable merit (the conservative viewpoint). (2)
While the overtone of Shame is distinctly political and follows Steele’s conversion from liberalism to conservatism, the underlying message of the book struck me as substantially related to the Christ-centered theologies of sin, repentance, and identity– topics that directly impact Christian leadership. Perhaps a look at these, related to America’s response to past iniquities, can also shed light on more helpful ways to respond to injustice and shame as a leader.
Sin
The polarization of group identities in today’s world is a hallmark of the impact that sin has in our life. Sin creates a separation between humans and God. It is inherent in our human nature to put our own ego and pride above God and others. It’s not how God intended this word to be, but it’s what we have until Christ comes again. Whether it’s political parties blaming and shaming, different religions vs. atheists and agnostics, or sports fans brawling with each other, humans will be forever tempted with an us vs. them attitude on this side of heaven.
We saw this play out in the conservative vs liberal response to the civil rights era. Each side was more than willing to position their perspective as good and the other side as evil, but the truth is that all people on all sides are sinful. It is not about America being evil, it is about all people from all countries having the tendency to sin. As leaders, we will deal with this frustration in ourselves and others each and every day. Thankfully, Jesus came to show us that there is a different way.
Repentance
Jesus showed us that it IS possible to choose love and respect instead of hate and division. It IS possible to view the world through a God-centered lens instead of an ego-centered lens. Jesus lived it and taught it. It requires extraordinary self-awareness and daily repentance. It requires empathy, humility and understanding. What America missed in the post-civil rights era was genuine repentance both on an individual basis and a national level. Shame led to a fix-it or dismiss-it attitude rather than an honest assessment of the wrongs that had been done. If we’re not careful, this can happen in our leadership roles, as well. It’s painful to recognize the wrongs we have committed, but if we cannot vulnerably admit our own wrongs and ask for forgiveness, how can we expect others to own up to theirs? Repentance is one of the first steps toward change.
Identity
Finally, one cannot look at the problem of shame without also looking at the issue of identity. There is only one identity that prevents shame from entering the arena and that is forgiven child of God. If we accept our identity (and the identity of others) as anything other than God’s child, we are subject to shame and blame when our sinful nature prevails. But seeing ourselves and others as God’s beloved sons and daughters reminds us of the inherent worth of all human beings. I may not agree with your perspective, but I can listen with respect and value your humanity. Instead of promoting shame, I can promote humility. Instead of fear, compassion. And in doing so, I can admit when I’m wrong and forgive when I’ve been wronged. Now that’s the kind of leader I want to follow.
- Brene Brown, Atlas of the heart. Vermilion, 2021), 137.
- Shelby Steele, Shame : How America’s Past Sins Have Polarized Our Country(New York: Basic Books, a member of the Perseus Books Group, 2015).
About the Author
Laura Fleetwood
Laura Fleetwood is a Christian creative, certified Enneagram Coach, doctoral student at Portland Seminary and Creative Director at her home church, Messiah St. Charles. As a published author, national faith speaker, podcaster and self-described anxiety warrior, Laura uses storytelling to teach you how to seek the S T I L L in the midst of your chaotic life. Find Laura at www.seekingthestill.comOne response to “Shame and Blame Get You Nowhere”
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Laura, Thank you for this blob post on shame and its role in our lives. I really appreciated you link to sin, repentance, and identity. The first consequence of sin,(Adam and Eve eating the apple) was shame. They hid from God in the garden and covered themselves. Jesus, came to remind us of our identity and to cover the sin. I wonder if the repentance and healing needing in our current society isn’t a reminder of our identity as human beings, and children of God. How different our world would look if we not only saw ourselves in this way but we saw others this way too. Great thoughts!