Just Be Likable
“All you have to be is likable.” This was the advice I received from my senior pastor. He had served at his church for thirty years, and is generally regarded as a legend after decades of successful leadership, and wanted to pass along a tip on how to be successful myself. Yet, I found his perspective to be reductionistic and a bit cynical. That is until I read Daniel Kahneman’s book, Thinking, Fast and Slow. I am not sure that my pastor read this book, but he, perhaps intuitively, understood Kahneman’s premise that many people rely on first impressions to make quick decisions about their experiences [1]. What my pastor may not have known is the importance of first impressions to the brain as it begins to formulate a story about the experience. Simply, the brain prefers little effort and relies on past experience and story telling to understand the present and future [2].
Central to Kahneman’s understanding of the brain is the two-system thinking that consists of fast and slow. System 1 is fast thinking, which is the intuition that quickly assess a situation based on past experience and requires little effort of the brain [3]. System 2, however, is the slow complex portion of thinking that demands concentration as the brain processes according to steps [4]. The brain prefers and relies on System 1 thinking, which leads Kahneman to observe, “Laziness is built deep into our nature” [5] or as my pastor pointed out, just be likable.
While fast thinking provides a number of advantages for the way we think, it also causes errors that result in real consequence. This can be seen in the biases we form. A pastor’s like-ability is an example of the affect heuristic that describes how people use their likes or dislikes to form conclusions about the world [6]. I witnessed this recently with a new hire at the church I serve. We hired a person for new position that we called operations director. I received numerous questions about the duties of this new position despite explaining it on multiple occasions and having a job description available. I think the questions were more grounded in the comments, “he is just not a warm person.”
Kahneman’s observations call into question our most basic assumptions about the world, except the intuitive idea that we are a storied formed people. Fast thinking constructs a story that makes sense of the world so that people can have cognitive comfort with the situation they find themselves in, even if the evidence is poor [7]. I am glad I did not know this when my pastor gave his advice. I might have abandoned the effort to invite people to think when they came to church. Why bother arguing with the fast thinkers among us? Perhaps, it is best to use fast thinking to one’s own advantage, just be likable. Given the laziness of our brains, most people will not think too much about it anyway.
[1] Daniel Kahneman, Thinking, Fast and Slow (New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2011) 21.
[2] Ibid., 86.
[3] Ibid., 21.
[4] Ibid.
[5] Ibid., 35.
[6] Ibid., 103.
[7] Ibid., 209.
About the Author
Chad McSwain
Chad is a systematic creative serving in pastoral ministry for nearly 20 years, Chad is a professional question-asker and white-board enthusiast, who enjoys helping people discover their own passions and purpose. A life-long learner, he has a B.A, Philosophy - Univ. Central Oklahoma, M.A Theology - Fuller Seminary, M.Div. Perkins School of Theology at SMU and is pursuing a Doctor of Leadership - George Fox University. He is an ordained Elder in the United Methodist Church, currently serving as Lead Pastor of Whitesboro UMC. Chad and his wife, Brandi live in Prosper, Texas along with their three children, two pugs and a chameleon.15 responses to “Just Be Likable”
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Chad, nice summary of Kahneman. I have wondered what it is that makes people feel comfortable with sharing with others. I find myself often in conversation with people I have just met who will pour out their life story to me. This happened just the other day. I was at my local coffee shop working on my computer. A woman sat down next to me and we ended up in a conversation that lasted at least a good forty five minutes. But is being likable, approachable enough? We are called by Jesus to make disciples (Matthew 28:19). Relationships start with being likable, with having a conversation, but then I think we must be willing to dig deeper, to engage System 2 thinking. I think that it is in System 2 thinking that discipleship happens, so how do you think we do this? How do we get people to dig deeper and become a disciple?
Hey Becca,
Great observation about how people decide quickly whether to engage a person. Like it or not, you are approachable!
The implications for discipleship is the challenge. Given that our brains are lazy, it does take some work it compel people into engaging their System 2 thinking. I think using story is the key to make things memorable. Kahneman discusses this in his example in how we evaluate vacations. 1
This made me think of another book called “The Power of Moments.” It describes how we can intentionally create moments to engage people, particularly when a base experience is expected.2
This allows us to engage System 2 in such a way that it can rewire System 1 thinking. While, I do not want to change whether I am perceived as likable or you are approachable, I occasionally want to invite people to consider why they believe what they believe and how it impacts the decisions they are making.
[1] Kahneman, 389.
[2] Dan Heath and Chip Heath, The Power of Moments. (Random House Uk, 2019).
Hey Chad,
Thank you for your thoughtful post. The contention Kahneman makes about us being naturally lazy with our brain is, I found, relieving. I now know that I am not the only one who struggles with brain laziness! As with Becca’s question, I too wonder what the implications for discipleship this has for us. Do you have any thoughts on the connection of Kahneman’s two systems model with discipleship?
I have been processing the implications. While it is a relief to know that we all struggle with the lazy brain, it means we have to work harder to engage people beyond their initial intuition. I believe that story is the best way to invite people into System 2 thinking. Or, perhaps, as Jesus did it: “you heard it said…but I say” may help jog people out of their System 1 malaise.
“Just be likable.” If only life were that simple. Perhaps it is… Great post and thoughts on Kahneman’s book. As a director of operations myself, I sympathize with your new hire. I too can be intimidating to some but once people meet me, I hope they see the “likable side”of me. My dad and I are similar in that we’re task oriented and will do whatever it takes to get the “job” completed. The problem is, sometimes we rush around and wear our stress on our faces and it comes across as not approachable or “likable.” To make matters worse, he has a beefy mustache which gives the impression of frown to some (so I’m told). He’s a teddy bear and for the most part I would do anything for anyone. Its usually just getting to know us. I wonder if you could coach the new hire to be more approachable or speak sometime in front of the congregation so people can see a different side of him? Usually once people speak to me they see who I am but from a distance I don’t always send the message people are most comfortable with.
Hi Michael,
You really picked up the frustration underlining my post. It is a shame that we are quick to make and rely on our initial judgements and biases, yet we all do it and it serves us well most of the time.
You are spot on about what my new employee. He is quite friendly for those bold enough to approach him. He is also task oriented which is why we hired him for the position. Perhaps there will be an occasion for him to have a broader reach.
As a people pleaser, I resonate with the advice your senior pastor gave you. It seems easier to simply “be likable” and operate under the comfortable shelter that provides. As we’ve embarked on this doctoral journey, I find my assumptions and biases challenged regularly. Although I think it may rock the boat, and possibly make me less likable, I hope that as a pastor I can bring my congregants on a similar journey. I’m thankful for your reminder that perhaps that is what we’re called to do rather than to simply be likable.
Hey Caleb,
Great comparison with being a “people-pleaser.” I have the same problem. The pastor that gave me the advice is not, although he is much older, so there may be hope for us as well. As I have grown as a leader, I have spent time considering how I can still be friendly, likable and challenging when needed. For me, it is about being secure in my identity. You are correct that we are called to lead and not be likable.
Chad,
Being likeable resonates with me as well. But like Becca and David, in their comments, I think System 2 thinking forces us to go beyond just being likeable for discipleship. Disciple-making involves engagement, not just of our brains but of one another in sincere give-and-take relationships. It can’t be lazy to be real. I would love to know your thoughts as well on this topic.
Hi Tonette,
I agree that it is not lazy to be real. Perhaps, that is why we are all so starved for connection as we brush past each other locked in to our quick assessments of one another. It seems to be that our System 2 is activated when we are in community situations. The post transformative are times in which we share in experiences together (Cape Town is a good example).
I think the way forward is using story to create connections and community to offers opportunities that activates deeper thinking that goes beyond our initial assumptions. The challenge is that a person must choose to be in community. I still think that’s the best context for discipleship.
Chad – Your post touched on something I’ve been pondering since I read Kahneman and I’m curious about your thoughts. When a personal is educated on these heuristics that occur in our fast thinking, I believe he or she has a distinct advantage that could either be used effectively or abused. Manipulation is just one step away when you recognize how people have a tendency to think. I guess it’s another example of “with knowledge comes power.” Do you have any thoughts about this?
Laura – I am glad you brought this up. I have been working through the same thought process. As we talked about in our discussion today, “once you see it, you can’t unsee it.” I suppose it comes back to our motives. The more information and tools makes us a better leader and to not use the tools would be foolish or even self-defeating, yet manipulation is just around the corner. Perhaps it really does all come back to character and our own personal work in that regard. Then, we have to trust our System 1 to alert us when we intuitively spot it in others.
Do you see a difference between using the information to lead and manipulation?
Chad- This is a great observation and I really appreciate you brining into the conversation this idea of our “lazy thinking”. I was struck by the ideas around story. That we are by nature constructing story from our experiences and those then shape our “fast thinking”. I wonder if our current state of the church is being shaped by our “fast thinking” story. A story that is informed by the wounded experiences of our past. I have often said that as the church we preach healing, yet we shy away from stepping into the spaces of healing where we as the church have caused the wound… thus we have built the source of our own struggle or dare I say downfall. Do you have any thoughts?
Hi Sara – What an interesting observation. There is certainly something informing the fast thinking inside our churches at the moment and grief can be a very powerful influence on our thinking. If it is grief, that is in our wheel house to help people process. Perhaps that is worth our time to become familiar with the stages of grief and naming experiences when we get the impression that we are speaking to a wounded person. No doubt, we are all going through some stage of grief within our denomination. You have given me much to think about.
I thought of both of you when I was reading this book. Chad- While watching this process in Bens parents church I never thought of grief being a component.
Big prayers for both of you as you navigate this unknown as leaders.