Be a Duck
It was “Back to School Night” in 2011 and my first opportunity to address the parents as the President of the Parent Faculty Association (PFA). I shared about my hopes for the school year and read the Parable of the Stonemasons an analogy about teaching Sunday School that I felt translated well to serving the school community.[1] After getting home that evening, I made the mistake of going on social media and reading what one parents wrote about me. One mom did not like the analogy I read and wrote terrible things about me.
Crying, I called my friend Daryl who served as President the year before. “Be a duck,” she told me. She explained that this is the analogy her husband gave her during her tenure as PFA President. A duck’s feathers are coated so that when it comes out of the water, it can simply shake off all the water droplets. Over many years of friendship and serving in various roles at our children’s schools, we would often “quack” at each other when things were difficult, and we needed the reminder to “shake it off.”
Friedman’s discussion of the well-differentiated leader reminded me of those years of quacking like a duck. The well-differentiated leader is, “someone who has clarity about his or her own life goals and, therefore, someone who is less likely to become lost in the anxious emotional processes swirling about.”[2] Like a duck, the well-differentiated leadershakes off the anxiety and emotional baggage which others carry into a situation. I would like to say that I did well at separating myself from the anxiety and emotional baggage of others in my years as a leader, but if I am honest, that was not the case for me. Instead, I often showed a distinct failure of nerve. “Anxiety and the search for rapid solutions always result in the failure of nerve. Needing to be right, certain, and pain free, we narrow our thinking and put our courage on pause.”[3] 13 of 1140
My term as PFA President highlights Friedman’s five characteristics of chronic anxiety.[4]
- Reactivity: Going home that evening and looking on social media was clearly reactive. My reason for doing this was to know what others thought of me. I reacted to that situation and to others.
- Herding: I often worked toward the consensus and group mentality over
- Blaming: One of the things I implemented during my term was that if there were not enough volunteers to hold an event, we would cancel the event. On one hand, for me this was necessary to enact healthy boundaries. I simply could not do everything. However, it made it easy for me to pass the blame. If something did not happen, it was not my fault, the fault lied with the hundreds of other parents who chose not to volunteer their time.
- Quick-Fix Mentality: There were several parents who did had different opinions on how we should do certain events. Rather than working toward a common goal, I avoided these parents as much as possible. I cheered when they did not show up at General Meetings and when they did, I went with majority rules and then sought the quickest way to avoid any conflict.
- Lack of Well-Differentiated Leadership: As the PFA President, I often sought the easiest way to do things. I genuinely wanted to help and serve this community, but I also was constantly seeking approval, a pat on the back, someone to tell me that I was good enough.
My term as PFA President was over a decade ago and I believe that I have matured much since that experience, but I am still working towards Freidman’s description of the differentiated leader: “Differentiation is not about being coercive, manipulative, reactive, pursuing, or invasive; it is about being rooted in the leader’s own sense of self rather than focused on his or her followers.”[5] I know that one area I have gained in strength is that I feel less of a need to seek the approval of others.
Just today I hosted a baby shower for a local acquaintance (now dear friend). When I first asked her about a baby shower, she told me that she needed to plan it. I told her that was not okay with me and that I would plan her shower. While it was encouraging to receive the thank yous and accolades, I did not feel the need for them as I have in the past. It was a pleasure and a joy to simply be able to bless my friend. If I had not received any thank yous, I think I still would have been joyful about today. Maybe I am beginning to finally be a duck like my friend suggested all those years ago.
[1] Gospel Light, Children’s Ministry Smart Pages: Grades 1-6. (Ventura, CA, Gospel Light, 2005). Uncertain of the page number as I no longer own this book.
[2] Edwin H. Friedman, Margaret M. Treadwell, and Edward W. Beal, Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. (New York, Church Publishing, 2017). iBooks page 37 of 352
[3] Ibid. iBooks page 8 of 352
[4] Ibid. iBooks page 50 of 352
[5] Ibid. iBooks page 324 of 352
About the Author
Becca Hald
Becca is an ordained Foursquare minister, serving as the Online Community Pastor at Shepherd's House Church. She has over twenty-five years of leadership experience both inside and outside the church. Becca has served her community in many capacities ranging from Administrative Assistant and Children’s Ministry Director to Secretary and President of multiple school organizations. She and her husband, Andrew have been married for over 25 years. They have two adult children, Drew and Evelyn. Her great passion is to equip others, to raise awareness about mental health, and to help reduce the negative stigma surrounding mental health issues. In her free time, she loves going to Disneyland, reading, sewing, and making cards.7 responses to “Be a Duck”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Becca – Thank you for sharing such personal insights. It helped me evaluate myself as a differentiated leader. I’m curious, which of the 5 characteristics do you personally struggle with the most?
Becca, growth is evident as you share your journey, the need for approval can be challenging to overcome in today’s leadership circles. Curious what you think about those who see Friedman as very lacking in empathic presence.
Hi Jean, my first thought on reading about empathy in Friedman was wondering if it is an issue of semantics. Would he really say that we should not have any empathy towards others? I do not think so. I think maybe what he is getting at is that empathy from a leader can lead to internalizing the anxiety and emotions of others. Yes, there is a need for empathy and grace in all areas of life, but as a leader, we need to have a balance. I wonder if too much concern about a person’s feelings impedes our ability to lead and minister. I remember reading about keeping people on staff for no reason other than they have always been there or we do not want to hurt their feelings (forgive me, I cannot remember where I read it). Take for example the person who has been a secretary at the church for decades, but cannot seem to keep up with new technology. Are we being good stewards of resources to continue to allow this person to do a poor job? Is empathy getting in the way? Maybe what they need is someone to fire them and allow them to seek out something new. Are we holding them back from all that God wants them to accomplish by letting them remain doing subpar work?
Great thoughts to keep on exploring, Becca; thank you so much for sharing. I remember someone saying one will not see the next open door unless there is one closing on them. Sometimes people will need that push to see another open door instead of keeping comfortable without growth.
Hi Becca
Thank you for your honest assessment and personal reflections on each point. How have you found successes navigating the herding tendency with building consensus for an idea or project? Volunteer organizations rely on buy-in so it can be challenging to be a strong leader.
Thank you Chad. I am still navigating that one! As a middle child of five with a narcissistic mother, my natural tendency is to just go along with everyone else. I am trying to learn how and when to take a stand. With children, one of the things you need to learn early on is which battles are worth fighting. A child not wanting to eat tomatoes is not a big deal, but a child wanting to run away from you in the middle of a busy store or run free in a parking lot is a different story. I am trying to apply this principle to leadership. I think that when we allow for room for people to push their own agenda in areas of less importance, maybe we can get more buy in for the areas that matter more to the organization. For example, my church followed the government protocols during Covid. When people were walking around, we would ask them to wear a mask, but if they were remaining in their seat and took their mask off, we did not push it. When it comes to serving in Children’s Ministry, we require volunteers to be vaccinated, but in other areas of volunteering, we do not ask.
Becca,
Great job today on Zoom!!
You were very sharp and thoughtful at 7:00am!
🙂 Kristy