Discovering Differentiation
My NPO is coming to life as I am reading A Failure of Nerve by Edwin H. Friedman. My NPO centers around the questions that Jesus asked and considering what we might learn from them. In becoming a well differentiated leader, considering the questions Jesus asks provides a pathway to walk in discovering differentiation. Friedman describes a well differentiated leader as “someone who has clarity about his or her own life goals and, therefore, someone who is less likely to become lost in the anxious emotional process swirling about.” [1] Jesus was the master at helping people discover who they are in their relationship with Himself, in relationship with themselves and others. I will look at several of the questions Jesus asked and explain how this successfully helped people become well differentiated. I will also share some of my thoughts in my journey towards becoming a well differentiated leader.
The questions Jesus asked in helping people become differentiated:
Luke 8:45 “Who touched me?” Jesus asked this question after the woman with the issue of blood had touched him in the middle of a crowd. Jesus wanted to see and identify the person who had been healed. This recognition was more than personal but public as well. How could this woman walk away without knowing who she was? She was seen and acknowledged by Jesus. How could this community of people continue to shame her after Jesus healed her? This woman had a new discovery of who she was and was freed from the swirling emotions (within and from others) that would no longer define her future.
Luke 17:17 “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” Jesus is addressing these questions to the man who returned to praise and thank Him for healing him of leprosy. Jesus is also letting these questions be heard by others within earshot. This healed man is set apart as he gave praise and thanks while the other nine did not. When Jesus said, “Rise and go, your faith has made you well,” (v.19) this man could walk away with a a clearer picture of who he was and who he was in his community.
John 5:6 “Do you want to get well?” Jesus asked the man who had been at the pool of Bethesda and an invalid for twenty-eight years this question. Being an invalid had defined this man’s life and Jesus wanted to know if he wanted a new life by being healed. Simon Walker states in Leading Out of Who You Are, that “the only proper goal of leadership is concerned with the task of helping people to move towards fully mature, responsible personhood.” [2] Jesus was seeking this in asking the man if he wanted to get well.
Jesus had the power and authority to do as He wished but He prioritized letting others take responsibility for what they wanted in their lives. Jesus waited to see if people would take ownership of a new life, that which He had for them. Jesus offered: healing, salvation, and a new way of living in community. Friedman supports the conclusion that what breaks ground for change is “reframing questions”, not “looking for answers.” [3] In asking the right questions, the people who Jesus ministered to were able to grow in being well differentiated.
Researching the questions Jesus asked has challenged me to become inquisitive for myself. In this past year I have taken the Strength finder assessment, and it confirmed my first strength as Individualization. According to Don Clifton in Discover Your Strength, I am described as someone who is intrigued with the unique qualities of each person.” [4] This Individualization strength is spelled out in detail as someone who is attuned to others. It’s all about others. I have lived out this strength in many ways, but it is best revealed in my profession as a Marriage and Family Counselor. With my focus on others, I believe I have not given myself as many opportunities to explore what might define myself. Friedman states that “at the heart of the problem of contemporary America’s orientation toward leadership is a devaluation of the process of individuation.” [5] I am encouraged by Friedman to honor the unique strengths that I have. I believe this begins in asking myself the questions that I would ask any of my clients. What would I like to do? What does it look like to pursue work that energizes me most? In what capacities might I enjoy leading? Asking these questions and giving myself permission to entertain them has been needed in my own development. With an orientation towards others, I am growing in “affirming self without seeing it as selfish.” [6]
A Failure of Nerve has prepared me for the sabotage that is inevitable in my leadership journey. Since I began my Doctor of Leadership, the homeostatic atmosphere in my home has been disrupted. Mom has less time to do “mom things.” As I have made decisions for myself, my family has needed to adjust in their expectations of me. Freidman would call this “resistance as part and parcel of the systemic process of leadership.” [7] My challenge is to keep the end goal in mind and continue to give time to my studies. Embracing individuation and sabotage are concepts that I will hold on to in my leadership journey. I am grateful for the questions that Jesus is asking of me as I know His calling on my life is irrevocable. (Romans 11:29)
[1] A Failure of Nerve, Edwin H. Friedman, 2017 p. 15
[2] The Undefended Leader Leading out of Who you Are, Simon P. Walker, 2007, p.153
[3] Friedman, p.38
[4] Strengthfinder 2.0 Discover Your CliftonStrengths, Don Clifton, 2007, p. 109
[5] Clifton, p.13
[6] Friedman, p.27
[7] Friedman, p.262
About the Author
Kristy Newport
5 responses to “Discovering Differentiation”
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Kristy, I too honed in on the reframing questions rather than looking for answers! What a different way to look at the world when we’re inquisitive and open to different possibilities rather than on a singular path of answers.
I am curious, because this is a question I’ve asked myself. I have no doubt that this program is a process of individuation that will make us better leaders, and do you think there’s ever a point where it’s simply not worth the relational cost? Maybe I’m just uncertain as to whether Friedman is either ignorant of the cost of calling those in our community forms of sabotage or if he’s simply trying to make a point.
Caleb,
I am very pleased that you are asking these questions! I think it is good to play Devils Advocate with Friedman. There is a cost of relationships in the differentiation process. As I read the book and heard the examples of the different explorers, I couldn’t help but wonder the state of their relationships. We don’t hear of the relationships Columbus had apart from the crew he had on his ship. I’m curious if these explorers wrote off love/lasting intimate relationships?
In the counseling field there are the concepts of enmeshment and emotional cut off (family systems theory) and somewhere in between these two concepts lies healthy relating. While reading Friedman, I was wondering how easy it would be to have emotional cut off while taking the stance of being well differentiated. Emotional cut off describes a relationship which does not have emotional intimacy and communication lines are often severed. I am glad that Friedman put an emphasis on staying connected p. 260.
I am grateful for Ecclesiastes 7:18 which states-“It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. Whoever fears God will avoid all extremes.” Staying in relationship with God will guide us in being differentiated, not enmeshed or emotionally cut off from others.
Thanks again, Caleb! These were some persistent thoughts I had while reading Friedman. On a personal note- It is easy for me to embrace the concept of being a differentiated leader while I am in a season of having young adult children. When I had four children in their younger years, maintaining differentiation seemed impossible.
Hi Kristy,
This is exciting that reading Friedman adds color to your NPO! I am fascinated by Jesus as the model of a well-differentiated leader. He asked questions, challenged people, and gave them opportunity to take responsibility for their lives.
Here is a question I am struggling with. We hear often that empathy is critical to great leadership. However, Friedman does seem to undercut the emphasis on empathy. To be fair, he does not go so far as to say it has no place, but he does challenge its heightened emphasis. In looking at the leadership of Jesus, as well as your experience of being a therapist, how does Friedman’s stance on empathy sit with you? Do you agree or disagree?
Thank you for this insightful post Kristy!
Beavis,
I could write another blog post on the question you have asked. I love it. I will let you know some of my thoughts.
Observations from Jesus’ example (only 2):
Jesus was empathetic but he did not sit and conduct an hour therapy session with people. I find it interesting that he instructed the people He healed to go to the priest and let them know of how God healed them. (Luke 5:14) I believe Jesus wanted people to take ownership in their healing process. So Jesus extends empathy but He also encourages personal responsibility. Jesus continues to show empathy but promotes responsibility in the feeding of the 5,000. In Mark 6:38 Jesus asked the disciples how many loaves they had. In essence, what do you want to do about it?
It is difficult for me to describe Jesus as an empathetic leader when He goes above and beyond empathy and provides the miraculous. Psalm 40:5 “Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare.”
Friedman takes various positions in his writing. On page 19 he explains how “leaders function as the immune systems of their institutions.” Friedman states that the “crucial issue of leadership in democratic societies may not be how much power they exercise but how well their presence is able to preserve that society’s integrity.” If this is the case, empathy must be characteristic of a leader. If a leader is not able to understand and share the feelings of another, how far will he/she get in leading those around him/her? As a therapist, my presence with my clients is incredibly important. This presence needs to be characterized by empathy or I will not be able to establish trust. A “preserving presence” is a “trusting and empathetic presence.”
Friedman, page 247, shares an account of a health crisis that he went through. It is very curious to me how much he explains this as something he, alone, went through. He notes the different relationships with doctors and specialists he had (p.255) but does not mention a supportive caring community. I am curious if he was married? I wonder where his friends of faith were? He does not note having meals brought to his home. He describes in detail how he went through this crisis alone. His story lacks empathy from personal relationships. I’m very curious how his severe physical ailments were brought on. Why does he not mention some of these things in his story? I wonder how much he needed to “appreciate loneliness”. (p.260) In a time of crisis, humans need empathy and I believe it is ok to seek out this empathy from others.
Instead of agreeing or disagreeing with Friedman, I would like to meet the man. It is only in meeting him that I would be able to discern where he is coming from. I would want to meet the people he is closest to. I am curious as to what his relationships are like. Does well differentiated leadership characterize his relationships as being close or distant, warm or cold? I know that I won’t have this opportunity but in meeting him, I would have a better evaluation.
I hope this answers your question. Thanks for asking!
When I was reading your post I hard stopped on the portion where mom is “busy”. What I would offer is that Friedman also states that presence is key. It’s natural in this process for our time to be limited, and our kids are not used to seeing that. One thing that I am working really hard at with my kids (I know they are quite younger than your young adults….) is to define and set my presence.
What I mean by this is unvoiced expectations will always be unmet… Can you talk with your kids and ask them individually what they need from you during this time of you DOMINATING YOUR GOALS that would help them feel connected to you?