The Joys of Imperfection
As a parent we learn early on that seeking perfection is overrated and the realization that imperfection can be a huge blessing. As a father of four I am so very thankful for each of my children. I am a nostalgic old codger at times and like many parents I have many keepsakes and memories oriented around each one of my children and events that took place in our lives. Things like the memory of taking my son hunting in 1998 as a part of his rite of passage and through a series of events my old rifle accidently misfired and accidently shot the windshield out of my brand-new pick up. (It’s a long story and thankfully nobody was hurt just embarrassed). I remember driving back to the house and seeing the look on my sons face as I told his mom that it was the first time, I ever killed a truck and didn’t know whether to tag it or not. Items like a small stack of yellow sticky notes I still have from several years ago when my middle daughter came to visit me on one of my many out of town projects. Before she left, she hid several yellow sticky notes throughout the apartment with crazy sayings and remarks. It took several days to finally round them all up as I came across them in my sock drawers, kitchen cupboards and laundry room. Or the memory of teaching my youngest daughter how to hit a heavy bag when she was in High School so we could work out together only to have her do a kick boxing move breaking the mount on the bag sending it crashing against that wall. I later realized that when the bag hit the wall it knocked one of my carved ivory warthog tusks off the shelf in my office and broke it. The pieces still sit on my bookcase next to the other carvings after all these years as a reminder of simpler times. One of my favorite imperfect items is a Beatles memorabilia coffee cup my oldest daughter bought me when she made a northwest girls all-star basketball team and spent the summer traveling around the UK in 2001 playing basketball after she graduated from High School. She knew I was a Beatles fan, so she went out of her way to visit the Beatles museum and bought me the cup. Sadly, when she arrived home the cup had broken into multiple pieces. I glued it back together and with all its cracks and flaws it sits in my office as a reminder of a daughters love and the value of imperfection.
In japan there is a traditional view centered around the acceptance of the imperfections of life called Wabi – Sabi. “Wabi-sabi is the beauty of things imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete, the antithesis of our classical Western notion of beauty as something perfect, enduring, and monumental.”[1] It comes from the Buddhist belief that things are not permanent, the way to enlightenment is through suffering a mundane life, as well as, through emptying oneself.[2] Jonathan Haidt in his book The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion in some ways reaches a place of Wabi – Sabi. His goal is “to drain some of the heat, anger, and divisiveness” out of talking about politics and religion replacing “them with awe, wonder and curiosity.” His book is oriented around 3 basic principles. First, “Intuitions come first, strategic reasoning second.” Second, “there’s more to morality than harm and fairness.” Third, “Morality binds and blinds.”[3] In many ways his book is not only the summation of his study, but it is the story of his personal life change from a place of we versus them to a place of seeking commonality with others.
What may have started out as a study to possibly assist liberal democrats to win more elections eventually became a study of personal discovery. He describes his journey that took him beyond WEIRD morality (Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic)[4] to a place of pluralism. His study of Richard Shweder’s ethic of community and a stay in India brought him to the place where “it felt good to be released from partisan anger. And once I was no longer angry, I was no longer committed to reaching the conclusion that righteous anger demands: we are right, they are wrong. I was able to explore new moral matrices, each one supported by its own intellectual traditions. It felt like a kind of awakening.”[5] Whether one agrees with Haidt’s moral psychology or truly embraces the complexity of human morality he conveys. The book does offer a sense of hope and emphasizes a sense of responsibility toward the willingness to take the time to understand those whose views differ from our own. Jesus in Matthew 7 states: “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 2 For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”
May be there should be less emphasis on fixing others and more energy on fixing ourselves with a greater effort on understanding others!
[1] http://savyytokyo.com/wabi-sabi-the-the-japanese-philosophy-of-embracing-imperfectiomism/
[2] https://en.wikipedia.org.wiki/Wabi-sabi
[3] Jonathan Haidt, The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided By Politics and Religion, (New York: Vintage Books, 2012), xx – xxii
[4] Haidt, 112
[5] Haidt, 127-28
About the Author
Greg Reich
Entrepreneur, Visiting Adjunct Professor, Arm Chair Theologian, Leadership/Life Coach, husband, father and grandfather. Jesus follower, part time preacher! Handy man, wood carver, carpenter and master of none. Outdoor enthusiast, fly fisherman, hunter and all around gun nut.8 responses to “The Joys of Imperfection”
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Some of Haidt’s studies on generational development have been fascinating. At what point do you think we as a society will be ready to take a deeper and more critical look at ourselves- our biases and behaviors- in the hopes that we might understand others better? My lingering thought through the whole book was, “well, this is all great for us to read about, but how many influencers will it take before the momentum shifts from our state of hyper-division to more collaborative and cooperative? I don’t see the leaders of either of the two political parties getting any book clubs together anytime soon!
John,
I agree I don’t see leaders of either party working together any time soon. But I do think we can live by example and sit down with those we disagree with and start the conversation without forsaking our faith.
Greg,
As a recovering perfectionist, I so appreciate the vignettes you shared about your kids. Embracing beauty in the imperfect has changed my life.
Self-Evaluation is difficult work. It takes time, intention, a supportive community, a really great counselor and an attentive spiritual director. Few people want to wade into the muck that is themselves. Its way easier to “trust Jesus” and “memorize bible verses” to find healing. Rarely does that go well, though. They are both integral components, but so much more is needed. When a core foundation is “the Bible is all you need” its difficult to move people into other levels of care. Shame and stigma still surround counseling and psychiatric helps, especially within churches. It will take time for those paradigms to shift. Once they do, I believe we will begin seeing healthier leaders in our religious and public spaces.
Darcy,
I have learned many thing the hard way. It is painful facing the dark side of our souls. Owning one’s mistakes and frailties is messy but the call to die to the flesh is a needed process in order for us to be more like Jesus. I had to deal with the shame and regret but I am thankful I took the time to walk through the journey. God is good! Is grace is sufficient.
Good nuance. Then (at the end of your biblical quote) will will know how to help with others’ blind spots (asteroids from Haidt) – with humility, with the understanding that we have our own blind spots, with a humane approach, with civility, and with hope.
Good point: May be there should be less emphasis on fixing others and more energy on fixing ourselves with a greater effort on understanding others!
Also less pontificating how much one knows or does to make themselves look better; essentially putting the other down to make themselves feel better about themselves
The moments when we’re pushed outside of our comfort zones are the ones where we grow most exponentially. This is why I think it’s so important to experience living abroad (or at least putting some distance between you and your hometown) in some capacity. It changes you as it broadens your view of the world. It’s hard to look at issues the same way when you’ve seen how others react to it across the world (and seeing how petty some arguments are). Even taking Trump as an example: Whereas he has a specific reputation within the US, in Hong Kong the people I’ve talked to like him because of he “stands up to China.”
At the same time, I guess it’s easier to fall in on one side or the other when it’s on an issue you feel you have something to lose in. Maybe that’s what truly motivates us at times.
I appreciate the attitude of understanding others. This movement denotes a coming close to pay attention and, if the intention is not to find faults (search for reason for judgement) then, depth of learning and new perceptions of acceptance may ensue…and, the elephant leans in.
This way is different. Leaning into this is risky. It can draw us nearer to the margins that divide us. Remaining there, observant and interested regardless of the cost, could compromise our well-being in other ways. What is the cost otherwise, exclusion or inauthenticity for compromise?
Searching for unity. For example, I am not a hunter and though your hunting stories don’t resonate with me (context and lifestyle), I lean in…not to the extent of becoming a hunter myself but, perhaps to the extent that my care and curiosity for what is life-giving for you may be observed as connecting us despite the differences. We become (as you say) more understanding of one another in/by our differences.
Not sure if that is making sense. I’m kinda trying to describe a movement as my mind is seeing happen.
Thanks Greg! So appreciate your insights and stories 🙂