Influencing others to thrive by taking care of one’s self.
In my community there is an inn that creates a hospitable space for people to transition from precarious living situations to healthy structures of stability. This week I had the opportunity to meet with the inn keeper to hear his journey over the last few months of needing to release his grip on the inn to make way for the future, although uncertain. His sense was that the inn needed community partnership through leadership and finances by November 30 or the inn would need to close.
The tension between the need to release the inn and the ever-nearing deadline kept bringing to mind Edwin Friedman’s book, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. What I was learning from the minister and inn keeper was that he had served the inn for the last four years and it had been sacrificial and good work. But the continuation of the work is unsustainable at present. The minister had to care for himself as he had not taken a paycheck from the inn and had been pastoring a local parish throughout his time as the inn’s keeper.
When asked to comment on partnering with the inn, I noted the courage it took for the minister to live within the tension, momentarily making the pain of the matter much worse because of the imposed deadline. But this seems to be a healthy place as the leader is also beginning to enter a space where he will not be the one to force change but will allow others to move into proximity, allowing for a reformation of the system by which the inn is operating to emerge. If the partnerships do not come, the inn will close and he will move on with his parish. Although this is not what anyone wants, the leader is willing to let go with the recognition of his own need for boundaries and wholeness.
The inn-keeper is continuing to grow in learning to be self-differentiated. Letting go of responsibility for things he cannot control while being present to the situation without herding, blaming or being reactive. This non-anxious presence in a time when the organization is in crisis may prove to be exactly the right posture for the inn to continue.
A non-anxious presence is the road less traveled. As Friedman explains, a non-anxious or well-differentiated person “has clarity about his or her own life goals, and, therefore, someone who is less likely to become lost in the anxious emotional processes swirling about…No one does this easily, and most leaders, I have learned, can improve their capacity.”[1]
In Friedman’s text, he extensively discusses the causes paralyzing leaders today, including myths of the need for expertise, empathy, selflessness. Utilizing family systems theory to demonstrate the universal effects of fused and well differentiated relationships, Friedman argues family systems are at play in institutions. This theory takes the focus off of a person and their personality, gender, race or other demographic factors and relates to a network and the positioning and relative health within the network. Thus, when a leader as part of the network begins to move toward health, regardless of age or culture, they will agitate the system.
“If the leader did not have to be in direct contact with every member in order to influence them, then it should follow that if a leader could learn to be a well-differentiated presence, by the very nature of his or her being he or she could promote differentiation and support creative imagination throughout the system. This would be the case not by focusing on techniques for moving others, but by focusing on the nature of his or her own being and presence.”[2]
It seems that healthy leadership in regard to self-care is an obvious aspect of keeping oneself healthy. But Friedman does not write about eating well, sleeping and getting exercise to make a holistic self. Indeed, it’s the life of the mind and emotions, “one’s own being and presence” that are so challenging and left frayed in many leaders and their organizations.
Considering pastors and churches: In what ways are pastors negatively affecting their congregations by not focusing on their own being and presence? When they do, and the system begins to reveal likely sabotage, will they stay the course? Will they even know that they are on course? Who is their community to help them discern and hear the Spirit while in the thick of the turmoil? These questions kept plaguing me while reading Friedman, returning my thoughts to the earlier conversation of the inn keeper.
It also reminded me of the need for pastors to have space to be present with God and others to recognize their own need for integrity and self-differentiation. To this end, the Lilly endowment recently put several million dollars toward helping ministers. In October 78 organizations received up to one million dollars each to help pastors in the US thrive.[3] This money is not for the congregations but for pastors to be healthy and whole in their calling to minister to communities.
As part of the Portland Seminary team who was received the initial Thriving grant from Lilly a year ago, I have the opportunity to invite pastors into a cohort to thrive with their colleagues.[4] After working with our first group for only six months, I am overwhelmed by the enrichment that has come in their minimal time together. These leaders get to be together with no strings, no expectations of achievement, no bosses and no continuing education on the line. The focus is presence. The time is rich. The impact on one another is revelatory. The potential for transformation of people and systems of the church is beyond what we know.
[1] Friedman, 14.
[2] Friedman, 18
[3] https://lillyendowment.org/our-work/religion/pastoral-leadership/initiatives/thriving-ministry-initiative/
[4] Georgefox.edu/thriving
About the Author
Trisha Welstad
Trisha is passionate about investing in leaders to see them become all God has created them to be. As an ordained Free Methodist elder, Trisha has served with churches in LA and Oregon, leading as a pastor of youth and spiritual formation, a church planter, and as a co-pastor of a church restart. Trisha currently serves as leadership development pastor at Northside Community Church in Newberg, OR. Over the last five years Trisha has directed the Leadership Center, partnering with George Fox and the Free Methodist and Wesleyan Holiness churches. The Leadership Center is a network facilitating the development of new and current Wesleyan leaders, churches and disciples through internships, equipping, mentoring and scholarship. In collaboration with the Leadership Center, Trisha serves as the director of the Institute for Pastoral Thriving at Portland Seminary and with Theologia: George Fox Summer Theology Institute. She is also adjunct faculty at George Fox University. Trisha enjoys throwing parties, growing food, listening to the latest musical creations by Troy Welstad and laughing with her two children.20 responses to “Influencing others to thrive by taking care of one’s self.”
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Hey Trish,
Masterful job at bringing our book and your Lilly grant together.
Your use of the word “presence” made me think again about our prior reading of Hunter with “faithful presence”. Drat, I should have made that connection in my Blog (grin).
I should have asked you first for permission to use your picture in my Blog. I wanted it to be a complement and surprise to you, so I didn’t ask first. Hope I didn’t offend you!?
Thanks for your leadership!
Jay, don’t worry, I was not offended. Thanks for mentioning Hunter. I totally forgot as well. It’s hard to keep everything in mind that we have read.
Trisha,
Thanks for the “inn keeper” reflection. It is an excellent example of the differentiated leader paradigm for sure! I’m glad you noticed the non-traditional self-care that Friedman supports. He focuses on maturity, stamina, and responsibility and expects the leaders to learn how to fill in their gaps as and when needed. The ministry of presence is very powerful and transcends those who have needs and those who meet needs; since Christ is the focus of the presence. Nice post!
Stand firm,
M. Webb
Yes, the idea of presence and self-care that Friedman talks about has been really making me think. Just the idea that we influence people without trying by our presence in whatever state we are in is very motivating to me to grow in my own being. I appreciate that he’s not trying to create pop-psychology but rather speak truth.
Great post Trisha! Your work with the Thriving grant is inspiring and exciting, especially since Jenn and I work with lots of pastors and church leaders trying to help them thrive in the midst of one of the most difficult jobs on the planet. I can see why the Lily foundation invested so many millions on this issue…pastors seem to be dropping like flys and the American church is due for a huge leadership shortage if they don’t do things differently (also mostly because we are only utilizing one gender 🙂 )
Jake, we are going to work together on this – more diversity in the pastorate. I think we are bound to see a very big change in the church in the next decade based on the outgoing leaders of today.
Amen Sister!!!
Trisha,
Great reflection on the differentiated leadership paradigm. Self care in pastoral leadership is such an important movement and your work with the grant is such a wonderful thing. I know I have burnt myself out before and it is hard not to do that with all that we are doing now within the program and with our outside responsibilities. Thanks.
Jason
Thanks Jason. I was just thinking there are bound to be thriving grants near to you. You should check them out…not because you are burnt out now but because they are really amazing!
Great post, Trisha!
You bring up a great point. For so many, ministry is considered voluntary. Therefore, we have hundreds of pastors experiencing burnout because they’re not being financially and prayerfully supported. This can lead one to look for a quick fix, displace blame and have unhealthy reactions. Friedman states in the very first page, “Anxiety and the search for rapid solutions always results in a failure of nerve” (Friedman 2007, vii).
For ministers, we are consistently driven by the needs of others; however, many times, this leads us to run on empty because we feel guilty for having boundaries. You mention the story about the inn keeper in the beginning of your text and suggests that, “The inn-keeper is continuing to grow in learning to be self-differentiated.” It’s obvious that this gentleman has a huge heart for people and his mission; however, did you find that his empathetic heart towards people caused him to have a quick fix response for funding?
Friedman talked about the idea of sabotage that occurs against differentiated leaders. He reveals, “What chronically anxious families require, of course, is a leader who does not give in to their demands” (Friedman 2007, 95). My greatest prayer for this inn keeper is that he would stand against the demands and lead in the face of difference. Perhaps, this requires him to talk with his team, hire someone new, rewrite the vision to provide more clarity or simply make a decision and be ready for sabotage.
Colleen, thanks for your good observations! I think the inn-keeper was stuck for a long time thinking he needed to do everything himself and then finally realized he needed community support. He was motivated by prayer and the reality of the people living at the inn to set a date of one month pre-year-end. I think he doesn’t really have a fix besides leaning on the Spirit and community as they have run the course they could over the last several years. I could tell he was really at peace and this was a big part of what made me see his ability to let it go while caring deeply for the ministry.
Trisha,
This was a great case study highlighting the innkeeper’s healthy, non-anxious presence despite financial crisis and an imminent closure of the ministry.
I encounter these situations frequently in my work. As a philanthropist I could easily fall into the trap of solving the problem with a little cash flow. But great discernment is required to understand God’s timing and to know the situation. Perhaps it is time to close the doors. Perhaps a last minute bail out is appropriate. Most usually I do not give to situations like the innkeeper’s. This is why we tend to look for healthy organizations to partner with, so that we aren’t drawn into triangulated relationships and prop up something artificially. For nonprofit work, the entire community must stand behind ministry both emotionally and financially, and it can’t be left to just one.
Mark, I wondered if you came across situations like this with fundraising ministries. What I really appreciated about the inn-keeper was the way several outside of his church have become deeply involved – the university’s social workers, two people from LaBrie who he has known and have a heart for hospitality, other churches. Really only the maintenance for the inn itself are the expenses they need to raise (salaries and programs are already covered). Our team was impressed and realizing we are one of those called to support this good work as part of the body of Christ in our community.
Trisha,
Excellent post as usual and I loved the grounded connection you found with the text this week. With all of this work on leadership I sometimes fail to remember that we are not always talking about the head of a large corporation, institution, or congregation. Sometimes, maybe even most times, the leaders we are talking about and possibly working to become will be those in small, local contexts like the pastor/inn keeper you described. Leaders like those need to be self-differentiated as well in order to be both healthy and effective. My question to you is in regard to your Lilly endowment. Did you find anything in the Friedman text that you think will be immediately applicable to the work you are doing with the Thriving grant? How would you hope to utilize the information in ‘Failure of Nerve’ to help these pastors be better leaders?
Dan, great question. For our Lilly participants, I think the idea of self-care at a deeper level of presence could be underscored in important ways. Most of our pastors are in places of transition in one way or another and I think being a non-anxious presence/self-differentiated leader will go a long way toward health in their lives and ministry.
Trisha, wonderful post; the insightful nature of your illustration really hits home. I am curious how or if you see a conflict between the leadership expectations placed in the reading for a business/professional leader as compared to clergy/ministry? For myself, I have always found that there is a more emotional/spiritual/ethical pull surrounding my own Christian walk that often interferes with my ability to maintain adequate “self-care”. I will push myself further, work far too many hours, and even serve at times when my health may be telling me to “REST.” I believe we have a different type of conviction pushing us that those outside of the church may not truly understand; and I also felt that Friedman did not truly understand.
I appreciate the program you keep mentioning as a benefit for ministers to take part in because I know that the motivation is to help the condition I am speaking of. So how do ministry leaders handle to the compulsion to not disappoint God in their ministries and yet still not exhaust themselves to the point of becoming ineffective?
Shawn, thanks for your great questions. I think my response might seem a little trite to your last question but it’s the one I am convicted about and have to wrestle with myself: I think the Lord knows our capacity and has made us to rest. Maybe our idea of disappointing God is our own. If I give God my best then that should mean I am giving my best me and that means rest, letting go of what I cannot control and allowing the influence of my life be what it will through trying to live as close to Jesus as possible. I think the Lord has way more grace than disappointment for us and taking care of ourselves is more the way of caring for others than we realize. At least that’s what I am finding in my relationships: when I am tired, at my limit, and have no clue what’s going on below the surface of my emotions, I am usually not who I want to be to my family or my leaders. This has been a convicting read for me.
Hi Trisha,
Thanks for this post and great job connecting the reading to your own work, research and interest areas! I thought where you wrote, “A non-anxious presence is the road less traveled” was right on. Friedman’s book is a call to health for pastors and leaders, but as you pointed out, not int he usual ways we think about that (exercise, eating well, sleep, etc). His focus is on the person of the leader, the one who is able to be the “non-anxious presence” at the center of the fray. Very nice.
Thanks Dave. It was a convicting read and I am learning self-care layers through learning family systems now. I love it but it’s a whole different angle on self-discipline.
Excellent job Trish and great tie-in. I think you work has an incredible opportunity to help leaders become more self-differentiated. Very excited to see the benefits from of your initiative. What a difference this will have in the pastors families and congregation. If the leader gets better, everyone gets better!