Leadership å la Family Therapist
Edwin Friedman is a guy I resonate with, he is ordained, a family therapist and a leadership consultant, all of which I am as well. His book, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, outlining his leadership philosophy, obviously resonated with me as well. His approach to leadership flies in the face of traditional leadership materials that advocate for better techniques and information to motivate others. He states, “The way out, rather, requires shifting our orientation to the way we think about relationships, from one that focuses on techniques that motivate others to one that focuses on the leader’s own presence and being.”[1] Because he was a Bowenian family therapist, he was very focused on the natural systems present in families and applied these principles to every other institution in society. He goes on to explain this influence from Dr. Murray Bowen for why he focused on these natural systems instead of culture, class or race. “From this “reversed” perspective, the most critical issues in understanding human institutions are not their customs, rituals, and ceremonies but rather how well families or other institutions are able to handle the natural tension between individuality and togetherness, their ability to maintain their integrity during crisis, and their capacity to produce well-differentiated leadership.”[2] Friedman reveals the significant influence Bowen had on his leadership philosophy when he references these areas repeatedly in his book. Also, when he summarizes his philosophy with the statement…“For whenever a “family” is driven by anxiety, what will also always be present is a failure of nerve among its leaders.”[3]
In the circles I run in, Dr. Murray Bowen is a well-known legend in the area of family therapy, in fact, Georgetown University founded the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. Many family therapists reference his work, utilize aspects of his Family Systems Theory, and recognize that we are all emotionally connected to one another in some way…just like members of families. Since I am a therapist, and I approach leadership from an emotional and relational perspective, it was encouraging to see these principles outlined so clearly in a leadership book. If I had to name the most common issue that walks in my office, it would most definitely be anxiety. Their ability to handle their “nerves” has “failed” and their world is crashing around them. At this point, ironically, it is my job to walk them through the process of self-differentiating their thoughts from their feelings so they can get a better handle on making sense of their feelings and not be driven by the anxiety. I tell my clients all the time that God made our bodies with this amazing alarm system that sometimes takes the form of anxiety or panic attacks to let us know that we are experiencing emotional overload. When clients learn to be present with themselves, get in touch with their emotions and become experts in the subject of “me”, they can be the best version of themselves and the best leader of their family or organization. The author speaks to this as one of the things his book will do, he says “it will encourage leaders to focus first on their own integrity and on the nature of their own presence rather than through techniques for manipulating or motivating others.”[4]
This idea of self-differentiation was definitely introduced by Dr. Bowen and Friedman does a masterful job of applying this concept to the area of leadership. He does his best to explain Bowen’s concept when he states…“The key to that positioning (of going with the flow of emotions and still taking the lead) is the leader’s own self-differentiation, by which I mean his or her capacity to be a non-anxious presence, a challenging presence, a well-defined presence, and a paradoxical presence. Differentiation is not about being coercive, manipulative, reactive, pursuing or invasive, but being rooted in the leader’s own sense of self rather than focused on that of his or her followers.”[5] When I have the opportunity to do some leadership coaching in various companies one of the tools I use to help leaders and managers become more self-aware is the Enneagram. This tool is effective in this area because it has the integration and disintegration aspect built in that lets us know what characteristics we tend to exhibit when we are growing and doing well, and when we are stressed and struggling respectively. I notice the more leaders have a clear sense of self, the more they are able to bring this out in those they lead. This ends up bringing out the best in the team because they are not surprised when an emotion arises that causes them to behave a certain way and they can be more proactive in mitigating these emotionally hijacking experiences. I also love how Friedman highlights the need for the leader to “separate his or her own emotional being from that of his or her followers while still remaining connected.”[6] Good leaders learn the skill of navigating around the emotional process of those around them while being in-touch with their own emotions and staying connected to those they are leading. It seems like too many leaders end up taking an all or nothing approach and are either completely disconnected from their team or overly connected to the point of losing themselves. Balance is one of the keys to the self-differentiated leader whose nerve does not fail.
Since the following chart was so helpful in summarizing this book for me, I thought it would be advantageous to include it in my blog…[7]
|
POORLY DIFFERENTIATED LEADERSHIP |
WELL-DIFFERENTIATED LEADERSHIP |
| -focuses on pathology | -focuses on strength |
| -is obsessed with technique | -is concerned for one’s own growth |
| -works with symptomatic people | -works with motivated people |
| -betters the condition | -matures the system |
| -seeks symptomatic relief | -seeks enduring change |
| -is concerned to give insight | -is concerned to define self (take stands) |
| -is stuck on treadmill of trying harder | -is fed up with the treadmill |
| -diagnoses others | -looks at one’s own stuckness |
| -is quick to quit difficult situations | -is challenged by difficult situations |
| -is made anxious by reactivity | -recognizes that reactivity and sabotage are evidence of one’s effectiveness |
| -has a reductionist perspective | -has a universal perspective |
| -sees problems as the cause of anxiety | -sees problems as the focus of preexisting anxiety |
| -adapts toward the weak | -adapts toward strength |
| -focuses empathically on helpless victims | -has a challenging attitude that encourages responsibility |
| -is more likely to create dependent relationships | -is more likely to create intimate relationships |
____________________________
[1] Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, Church Publishing Inc., (Kindle Edition), Locations 154-155.
About the Author
Jake Dean-Hill
Currently a Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice. Ordained minister with 10 years of prior full-time church ministry experience and currently volunteering with a local church plant. Also working with companies as a Corporate Leadership Coach.14 responses to “Leadership å la Family Therapist”
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Hi Jake!
Well written, and I love your personal knowledge of this topic. Your experiences are helpful to us all. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
I especially appreciate you writing on anxiety as it relates to leadership. I am not normally an anxious person, unfortunately you have known me during the most anxious time of my life with my son’s challenges. Just want you to know I will take to heart your reminders to be a leader with the “capacity to be a non-anxious presence, a challenging presence, a well-defined presence, and a paradoxical presence.”
Thanks Jay, you are always so affirming in your responses. I personally think you have handled the trauma of your son’s challenges very well and with lots of grace and love for your son. You are an inspiration to all of us fathers. So grateful to know you and have you in our cohort. Blessings friend!
Jake,
Your familiarity with Bowen’s family systems clearly influenced your grasp of Friedman’s book. Now that you have read a leadership text that applies much of Bowen’s work do you think that will alter the way you consult in leadership contexts or were you using this material without knowing it? As someone who is self-employed do you think that changes the way people respond to you in consultation? If you are working with someone or a team on differentiated leadership, what do you do as follow up to ensure that they continue to progress?
Thanks for the comments Dan. I will definitely be applying more of these family systems and emotional triangulation principles in my leadership coaching even though I naturally approached human relationship issues with these aspects in mind. I think because most consultants are self-employed, people expect this and I don’t think this changes the way they respond. (not sure if you were getting at something else?) My favorite way to follow up on progress with various companies or organizations is to do personal interviews. This allows me to get the best sense of where things are at.
Jake,
Thank you for your excellent thoughts. Humbly, I admit that before this year, I had never heard of Bowen Therapy. I think it was talked around with the ideas of triangulation etc somewhat familiar.
But this year in my readings for my own research, I have uncovered several sources where family systems theory is cited and used as a way to understand the dynamics in families. This is extremely helpful to me in my research on family philanthropy and leadership transition, and… also… helpful in my personal life where we are learning practical lessons about differentiation, sabotage, etc. Thankfully, Friedman and others are giving me the language to know how to call it out and create the boundaries I need to retain a non-anxious presence in my own leadership. I find it extremely empowering.
Don’t worry about it, most people have never heard of Bowen. I’m glad to hear his contributions on understanding family dynamics are being helpful to your research topic. Thanks for your comments.
Man Jake where have you been all my life. I love how you connected with the reading this week. I have always been a very emotional person but I have had difficulties in using that emotion in a positive way. I really appreciate you fleshing this part of the book out. Thanks for what you do.
Jason
Thanks Jason, I appreciate your kind affirmation. So glad to hear a man be honest with the fact that he is emotional, and you are not alone in needing to learn how to express those strong emotions in a positive way. I always say, expressing emotions in a negative manner is often better than not at all. We will all keep working at it.
Jake, I was actually curious how you would have resonated with this reading; so I have a question for you…as a therapist. In my education efforts, I have a had a handful of counseling courses; furthermore, as a minister, I have logged many hours in the “counselor’s” chair. In those processes, I have noticed that most of the counseling books I have come across provide very formatted and structured programs for treatment. Though I am not criticizing those processes, I suppose I have never seen “biblical” counseling as structurally formatted. So here is my question; do you think there is a difference between the methods church leaders use as compared to the methods that Christian counselors may use? I only ask because I saw a lot of great concepts presented in this reading, however, I did not feel that they many of them related to me as a minister.
Great question Shawn. First of all, the number one most important thing in any counseling situation is building rapport with the person, much more than following some structure or format. Secondly, even though I may not be quoting scripture in every session, I feel like I am doing Biblical counseling regardless because I am relying on the Holy Spirit to guide each session. I personally feel like many pastors are put in a position of doing too much “unqualified” counseling and need to refer out. But if pastors can utilize some sound therapeutic techniques and theories (guided by the HS) and help guide each person towards their personal goals that would be a good start.
Thank you, Jake!
I’m glad that you do what you do, and that you can keep all of this straight! I remember studying and learning about these different theories and approaches and “schools” of counseling/therapy thought. As I’m not a clinical practitioner, I kind of let this get blurry in my mind. You sharpened it up and made it clear again. Gracias!
Thanks Dave. It’s not a bad thing for pastors to be blurry on these things, play dumb, and just refer their members to the professionals so they can focus on the spiritual guidance and shepherding.
Good job Jake. Im convicted by how many qualities on the left side of the comparison line up with me. I think I got some deep change to do.
I’m with you bud, we are all in process. Thanks for your comments.