Can you use ‘locked and loaded’ in a sentence?
Sure I can. When my cohort calls me out in a Zoom meeting and Jason puts me on the spot, my amygdala is ‘locked & loaded’. That means I rapidly descend into the ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ mode of brain function according to Judith Glaser. At least this book helped me understand what I was feeling and why I was reacting that way.
So, in building on last week’s book of entrepreneurial leadership we come to recognize the manner in which our conversations are determined by brain patterns. Glaser opens the door to understanding how our interaction with people should be based on dialogue rather than presenting information for someone else to digest. One of the key applications that could be taken by Christian leaders from this text is that we need to be developing conversations rather than talking ‘at’ people as if we were selling a product. As a teacher in the world of higher education I can attest to the fact that students are much more receptive to information if they feel they are part of the process and have a role to play in the conversation.
The Church has much to learn from this information. “Glaser urges us to become curious about others’ perspectives, knowledge and success.” [1] It seems to me that too often we find ourselves 
trying to ‘defend’ the faith or working to convince others of its correctness, rather than engaging with them in a dialogue about what makes meaning in their lives and how a relationship with Jesus is what is the foundation of ours. There is no basis for the amygdala to fire if we are simply sharing life stories in an open and amiable dialogue. There are some powerful thoughts that could/should be immediately applied to our ministry contexts. Glaser reminds us that; “We often put the greatest trust in those with whom we can disagree without negative consequences.” [2] Are we willing and able to develop relationships of trust on a foundation that is comfortable with disagreement?
Again, as always, I desire to place this in the context of emerging generations. They live in a world where authority figures and institutions are only given respect once they have demonstrated themselves to be trustworthy. From my experience, ‘trustworthy’ is generally not the first thought in
the minds of young people when they think of Church or Christian ministry. When they pass churches every day with their hokey signs attempting to be clever and convince people to think the same way they do, the ‘correct’ way, emerging generations feel their amygdala lighting up. (My favorite is the local church that used this lovely sign in the Christmas season: “Oh Come All Ye Faithless”. Let me tell you all those nasty heathens were lining up outside that church for Christmas worship.) The challenge for those of us who wish to convey the Gospel in a different manner is that we represent an institution that for many is narrow-minded, bigoted, and in full ‘Tell, Sell, Yell’ operating mode. [3] Turning this around in the minds of emerging generations presents a significant struggle. Glaser again is helpful here; “Once we have a bad experience and begin to become distrustful of someone, that notion becomes embedded in our brain and can be difficult to dislodge.” [4]
Though he was called Rabbi, I believe that Jesus embodied many of the principles of Conversational Intelligence. I wonder, is it likely that Jesus understood the need for Conversational Intelligence and the inner workings of the brain? Whether or not he did, rather than providing propositional statements in the manner depicted by the Pharisees in the Gospel accounts, he told stories and invited people to come to their own conclusions about their meaning. “To the one who has ears to hear, let them hear.” [5] It does not appear from the accounts we have that Jesus ever felt much need to defend his position, nor was he particularly threatened by those who disagreed with him. That is not to say that he was unemotional or lacked conviction. It just seems that he was content to allow people to accept or condemn themselves on their own terms. Jesus was a consummate relationship builder and demonstrates the truth highlighted by Glaser when she states; “Lack of Conversational Intelligence is at the root of breakdowns in many relationships.” [6]
I am reticent to make too many generalizations about the contemporary Western Church. Ha! Who am I kidding? You all know that’s my favorite thing to do. I think for many of us concerned about the 
apparent numerical decline that has occurred in the past couple of decades we have become trapped in many of the habits that Glaser warns against. We work hard to put words together that we think will appropriately convey the ‘truth’ (often our version of the truth) we think people need in order to convince them or save them. But I fear that; “We are so engrossed in what we have to say that we don’t realize we are carrying on our own monologues, not dialogues.” [7]
If we desire to avail ourselves of the insights provided by Conversational Intelligence and if we hope to restore dialogue with emerging generations, rather than monologues, we might begin by asking ourselves a question posed in the introduction to the book. “How can you create the conversational space that creates deeper understanding and engagement rather than fear and avoidance.” [8] Each of us should consider answering that question in a way suitable to our own context. If we apply the lessons learned from last week’s book, we will work to develop 100 or more potential answers. [9] In the end, I think the quote that begins chapter 12 gets to the heart of what would best engage those outside the Church. “If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people together to collect wood, and don’t assign them tasks and work but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.” [10] The Gospel as presented by us should be something that creates a longing to know God and experience a relationship with Jesus. If we work to foster conversations around that, in groups small and large, we may begin to break down the walls of distrust and provide a platform for meaningful, transparent community. And, whatever we do, don’t serve iced coffee. [11]
[1]Bowman, Judith. “Book Review – Conversational Intelligence.” Book Review – Conversational Intelligence, www.protocolconsultants.com/features/conversational_intelligence.html. Accessed 21 Sept. 2018.
[2]Glaser, Judith E. Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results. Brookline, MA: Bibliomotion, 2016. P. 24
[3]Ibid p. 87
[4]Glaser, Judith E. Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results. Brookline, MA: Bibliomotion, 2016. P. 28
[5]Matthew 11:15
[6]Ibid. p. xxi
[7]Ibid. p. 64
[8]Ibid. p. xxx
[9]Seelig, Tina. Insight out: Get Ideas out of Your Head and into the World. Harper One Publ., 2015.
[10]Glaser, Judith E. Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results. Brookline, MA: Bibliomotion, 2016. P. 183
[11]Ibid. p. 180
About the Author
Dan Kreiss
Former director of the Youth Ministry program at King University in Bristol, TN and Dean of the School of Missions. I have worked in youth ministry my entire life most of that time in New Zealand before becoming faculty at King. I love helping people recognize themselves as children of God and helping them engage with the world in all its diversity. I am particularly passionate about encouraging the church to reflect the diversity found in their surrounding community in regard to age, gender, ethnicity, education, economic status, etc. I am a husband, father of 4, graduate of Emmanuel Christian Seminary, an avid cyclist and fly-fisherman still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.9 responses to “Can you use ‘locked and loaded’ in a sentence?”
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Great takeaway, Dan!
You mention, “One of the key applications that could be taken by Christian leaders from this text is that we need to be developing conversations rather than talking ‘at’ people as if we were selling a product.” This is imperative. Sadly, the majority of Christian leaders are more versed in theology, than human behavior. Do you find that Christians struggle with the concept of listening because we’ve been hardwired to convert?
You also mention, “From my experience, ‘trustworthy’ is generally not the first thought in the minds of young people when they think of Church or Christian ministry.” I highly agree. For some reason, we’ve become hubs of oration, and not discussion within the church structure. “According to Pew Research, When Christians walk away from the faith, more often than not, it’s due to some form of intellectual skepticism. Ex-Christians often describe religious beliefs as innately blind or unreasonable” (http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2018/09/09/young-christians-are-leaving-church-here-s-why.html). Although, I don’t hold to the belief that those who leave the “church” necessarily leave the “faith”, but I do think that there is some truth in this statement. Emerging generations are looking to dialogue with the local church. Why do you think it is more difficult for Christian leaders to engage in Conversational Intelligence than others?
Hi Dan (Roomie),
Yes, this Montana man can respond to a title like that. “Lock and Load”!
“We are so engrossed in what we have to say that we don’t realize we are carrying on our own monologues, not dialogues” unfortunately is so true. Thanks for highlighting that. Especially as it relates to “truth”! Well written, and we will talk more in HK.
See you at the airport!
Dan,
During this Miami conference I listened to your Governor share about leading in politics as a person of faith. It reinforced to me how different my culture is from yours. The last time any major Canadian politician voiced his faith in public was about 20 years ago when one of the leaders admitted he was an evangelical, and from then on a man in a Barney suit would pop up at all his campaign events, mocking his simple creation beliefs with a purple dinosaur. The politician was completely discredited, and faded from view.
Where evangelicalism has greater history and presence, I see the reaction stronger as postmodernism ascends. People are truly threatened, their way of life is at stake, and their amygdalas aflame, they post embarrassing signs in front of their churches. I think the sooner we can get over this idea that our faith has to win, and accept that we can be church by meeting in 2s and 3s in caves, the better.
I completely agree. I just think that we have an inordinately long way to go in the U.S. in that regard. Conservative, evangelicals have been at the center of power and culture for so long now and do not want to give it up. They couch it in terms of an ‘attack’ on Christianity but it is actually a shift in power structures and they don’t like losing that influence. As you noted in hearing the TN governor, claiming faith is still a very important aspect for many in politics here, particularly in the South.
Dan,
What is with the sudden burst of cohort-ial participation? That is awesome! PTL! At least we know that “calling you out” works! Yeah!
I like your post, but still feel like your “do you feel lucky, punk” type of spiritual approach works for you. Just saying, we are all wired differently, and God has richly blessed you and your ministry to the youth.
See you in HK,
Stand firm,
M. Webb
Someone is still rilled up after our last zoom meeting. I will admit there are many times I hope I don’t get called out as well 🙂
I usually feel bad slamming the American church especially because I don’t live and work there…so I enjoy when you do it. Seriously, I appreciate that your concerns are not just rants but a deep concern for teaching, training and challenging the next generation to be different (and better). See you soon.
one of my favorite church signs says, “He who farts in church sits in his own pew.” oh christian humor
Excellent dan. I did not think of conversational intelligence like this. When I’m preaching I have roughly 25minutes-40minutes to garner enough trust with them to respond during the altar call. Honestly this helps me create a clear path in my preaching and keep the end goal more attinable
A number of years ago I was, I guess the word for it is, rebuked by an older member of the church. The accusation: “Shawn, you are thinking of your response before you have even finished listening to someone’s statement.” As you so poignantly put it…I was “locked and loaded,” the second I thought anyone was about to say something contrary to what I believed. To be honest, I know I still struggle with that issue, though I still try to make a conscious effort to stop those thoughts when they start; at least long enough to hear the other person out. My high school speech teacher taught that a conversation is only a conversation if both participants both listen and speak; I am still working on the listening part of that equation.
Hey Dan I enjoy seeing your heart for the broken and marginalized and your desire for them to come to faith and discover the church to be a place of welcome and homecoming. I love the line, O Come All Ye Faithless. Looking forward to hearing more of how you are able to open doors (and hands) to your community.