Don’t be a bull in a china shop….(no pun intended)
I have worn many hats in my adult life, highway maintenance, mortgage credit specialist, car sales, computer industry, office supply sales, youth minister and pastor. They all have something in common with one exception. I have had to be able to hold conversations with others to be able to do my job effectively. I have an aggressive personality, I have been described as a “bull in a china shop” when it comes to some of my conversations. I have a horrible case of gotta be rightitus. This program has challenged me to be thoughtful in my conversations and learn to listen better, but I am still working on it. That is why when I picked up Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results by Judith Glaser I was intrigued.
Glaser wrote about being right in an article where she states, “When you argue and win, your brain floods with different hormones-adrenalin-that makes you feel dominant, even invincible (the fight hormone), and dopamine, considered a reward hormone, so you feel good about winning. Since it’s a feeling we wish to replicate, the next time we’re in a tense situation we fight again. We get addicted to being right.” [1] I am addicted to this feeling, I unfortunately have let it get to the point in some of my positions that is has hurt my ability to minister, so I understand my need to fix this. I identified with Rob from Verizon in the reading, I knew what I wanted, I knew it was right, and those who I worked with over the years needed to get on board or, as I used to say, “I will manage them out of their job”. Real nice attitude. I got the job done but probably not as well as I could have, and eventually I would run good people off, when questioned I would just assume they were not cut out to work with me.
Glaser’s discussion in the chapter on moving from distrust to trust really hit me hard. In my last decision I felt like I could never trust the deacons. I always felt they were against anything I did in the youth ministry and the missions ministry. At one turn they would complain I was not doing enough “fun” things for the youth (never mind I rarely took time off because I was so busy). The next moment they would tell my going on the mission trips looked like it was just a vacation and did not want me to go (again, pay no attention to the fact none of them went and all they say were pictures of people enjoying ministry). It got to the point where my pastor no longer wanted to run interference for me and I was left out to dry. It took me three months before I started going to church anywhere else. I had to learn to trust people in church. In the illustration below Glaser illustrates the Ladder of Conclusions, this would have been helpful to have three years ago but now I can put it to use with my church today.
My dissertation problem is this “How do you take a church from being inward focused to outward focused”. Glaser’s book will improve my ability to have the hard conversations. To build trust where there is distrust. When you have to make major changes in a church setting you have to have buy in. If you don’t you set yourself up for failure. In his book Who Moved My Pulpit? Leading Change In the Church Thom Rainer explains “church members are so focused on ‘my needs’ and ‘my desires’ that they resist change at every turn” [2] Without having conversational intelligence, these church members will always win. I have seen it time and time again. They have to trust that what you are changing is for the better. They like their church and when you tell them they must change you are telling them they are wrong. As a leader using Glaser’s TRUST model will help. The steps Transparency, Relationship, Understanding, Shared Success, and Testing Assumptions and Telling the Truth, [3] are vital in building the trust you will need. You cannot be a dictator and be an effective pastor without buy in from the congregation. I have known too many pastors who go in to a church and right away start changing things without thought as to how it will affect people. That is one thing they do not spend enough time on in seminary. How to deal with a congregation set in their ways.
Judith Glaser has hit the nail right on the head with her book. While it can be a bit hard to get into, once you do it is worth the time spent.
[1] Glaser, Judith. “Being Right.” Leadership Excellence Essentials 30, no. 9 (2013): 13.
[2] Rainer, Thom S. Who Moved My Pulpit?: Leading Change in the Church. Nashville, TN: B & H Publishing Group, 2016. 14.
[3] Glaser, Judith. “Being Right.” Leadership Excellence Essentials 30, no. 9 (2013): 45-47.
About the Author
Jason Turbeville
A pastor, husband and father who loves to be around others. These are the things that describe me. I was a youth minister for 15 years but God changed the calling on my life. I love to travel and see where God takes me in my life.9 responses to “Don’t be a bull in a china shop….(no pun intended)”
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Hi Jason,
There you go! I love how you connected our reading to your dissertation problem. Well done.
I agree, a church moving from inward focus to outward focus will have to figure out this TRUST thing.
I look forward to the results from your work. I need to hear the answers to your issue, “How to deal with a congregation set in their ways.” Thanks for diving into this, and we will see you soon in HK!
Jay,
Trust is a very difficult thing for a small church because they usually get a new pastor every two years or so who always want to make a new change. I think this process can be helped by Glasser’s insight.
Jason
Good insight, Jason!
I thought it was interesting how you described one’s desire to be “right” as an addiction. You stated, “Since it’s a feeling we wish to replicate, the next time we’re in a tense situation we fight again.” I think that many leaders have similar experiences. Do you think that the pressure to be right is more prevalent in the church because the fear of being wrong?
Glasser shares that, “Level III conversations promote a rich dialogue in which you ask questions for which you have no answers, share and discover what is on your mind, and encourage everyone to help shape mutual success” (Glasser 2014, 140). Do you find that Christian leaders have a difficult time embracing this type of conversation method because it engages for the sake of exploration and not a specific solution?
Colleen,
It may be the fear of being wrong or it could be the fact that so many pastors are type A personalities and it is hard for a type A to be wrong.
As for your second question, I think many Christians are set in how they go through their belief systems, whatever end of the spectrum they fall on, that searching for some other truths is very hard for them.
Look forward to meeting you in HK!
Jason
Hi Jason,
I wonder if we have created a culture where we have to be right all the time because our ecclesiology tells us we have to convert people. Our whole system seems at times to be coercive and binary: in-out, either-or, sheep-goat. I wonder if its time to reimagine how we interpret sacred scripture, and if that will give us the nuances we need to create broader cultures of inclusivity.
Mark,
That is a great question, and to be honest a scary question as well. You are asking whether or not scripture is dependable and inerrant.There are some things that, as Christians we say are wrong because of interpretations of scripture and they are not spoken of. One example that comes to mind is the fact that Baptists would not allow dancing, there was no scriptural backing for this just stretching. So the question then becomes where in scripture can we back something up, not make it say what we want it to say but that it actually says it and that is a hard thing to do.
Jason
Jason,
Excellent introduction to you post. No bull intended!
You are wired to be who you are, so do not give up on your bullish approach to life. You might consider putting on a manual throttle on your “rightitus” drive, but please do not think you have to jump on the Glaser trust-bus. Her collaborative leadership formulas, while good, just do not fit everyone or every situation.
Jesus was the best at trust, even when he knew the hearts and minds of others who were set out to destroy and kill him. Even Jesus said, “be wise as serpents, and harmless as doves” (Mat. 10:16) to his disciples before he sent them out. I prefer the Scriptural solution to ASK and then pray for wisdom and discernment over Glaser’s neuroscientific findings about how the human brain reacts to trust.
Always go with your gut instinct my friend. God has wired you in a specific and unique way to bring glory to His name.
See you in HK.
Stand firm,
M. Webb
Mike,
Being a bull has its advantages, you usually are able to talk your way into what you want. That is not always the best way to go about things. I do not want to give up who I am but I can adjust how I work. I will always be a bull but need some softer edges. My instincts sometimes get me in trouble but usually not.
Jason
Excellent Jason. Yeah I think there is an equation you could write here. Leading change is equal or less than the amount of trust you have with the congregation.
This is probably even more exaggereated for the people you are targetting because they will feel you are taking something from them. and you are! their comfort!