Close to the bone
Some of you already know. Many of you will understand more after this post. This book was written for me and about me, it simply came into my hands several years too late. The ‘dark’ or ‘unexplored’ side of leadership has already spewed out, causing havoc to family, friends, colleagues, and people I serve in ministry. While the book has a restorative tone and seeks to either prevent internal failures from catastrophically destroying leadership opportunities or encourage renewal and change for those who have been overcome by them, for someone in the throes of burnout and the ensuing destructive forces the text is a bit overwhelming.
Codependency is the poison of choice that seems to envelop me. This fits nicely with the Enneagram ‘Helper’ category 2 with which I strongly adhere. The drive to be affirmed through benevolence,
constant availability, service and consistent helpfulness frequently turns these people toward exhaustion, burnout and limited availability for important and renewing relationships like spouse and family or close friendships. As the efforts become unsustainable greater energies are spent trying to maintain the pretense of balance in the vain attempt to; “save face and maintain [the] shining public persona rather than take the inward journey that leads to personal wholeness and holiness.”[1] Ahhh, such comforting words. Add to all of this a heavy workload (all the better to receive affirmation and reduce opportunity for introspection) and a doctoral program and you have a perfect recipe for disaster. Welcome to my life.
The strength of an individual’s ‘dark’ side is frequently determined by the strength of the history 
through which it was developed, the ability of the individual to recognize their own weaknesses, and their commitment to being genuine in efforts to come to terms with both the strengths it provides and the potential pitfalls it presents. As the authors consistently remind throughout the text; “In almost every case the factors that eventually undermine us are shadows of the ones that contribute to our success.”[2] These are lifelong tendencies that grow. They frequently provide motivation for significant influence, leadership and effort, but also can become areas of insatiable need that left unabated may eventually instigate catastrophic and public failure.
Much like alcoholism it is necessary to recognize that these tendencies toward the ‘dark’ side of leadership are permanent dispositions. Just because someone has gained ascendency over them for a time does not mean they are not areas of future concern. As the authors state regarding redeeming these hidden areas; “We will be tempted to deny the periodic reemergence of our dark side. This is a battle we must constantly be prepared to fight.”[3] The fact that the authors believe that with effort, assistance and the grace of God redemption is possible offers a modicum of hope for the leader who finds himself (or herself) in the midst of seemingly insurmountable odds to the contrary.
The 5 step plan offered toward the conclusion of the text may offer opportunity for genuine 
restoration and even growth. I hope it does. At some stage in the future I anticipate returning to this text to see if that is true. At this point it strikes a little too close to the bone, plus I don’t have the time or energy to devote to any such frivolity. I have needy people to help.
[1] McIntosh, Gary, and Samuel D. Rima. Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership: How to Become an Effective Leader by Confronting Potential Failures. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2007. P. 24
[2]Ibid. p. 28
[3] Ibid. p. 167
About the Author
Dan Kreiss
Former director of the Youth Ministry program at King University in Bristol, TN and Dean of the School of Missions. I have worked in youth ministry my entire life most of that time in New Zealand before becoming faculty at King. I love helping people recognize themselves as children of God and helping them engage with the world in all its diversity. I am particularly passionate about encouraging the church to reflect the diversity found in their surrounding community in regard to age, gender, ethnicity, education, economic status, etc. I am a husband, father of 4, graduate of Emmanuel Christian Seminary, an avid cyclist and fly-fisherman still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.11 responses to “Close to the bone”
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Dan,
Thanks for the transparent post and personal review of the dark side of leadership. While I the authors use is rather negative in nature, they have some usable stuff here.
I disagree with their position that the leaders dark side are “permanent dispositions.” For example, our DISC profile naturally changes as we change, adapt, learn, and modify our leadership paradigm over time. I know from personal experience, leading in many different scenarios, that we change and bad habits, or poor techniques do forever change. Especially when the changes come from the wisdom and discernment of the Holy Spirit.
Stand firm,
M. Webb
Dan, thanks for sharing. Your story is just about replica of mine, except im a 3 on the enneagram. I loved your quote, “Just because someone has gained ascendency over them for a time does not mean they are not areas of future concern.” I wrote my post as if my struggle was past tense, but that is a lot of arrogance to think I could not be seduced to the dark side again.
Dan, your post is poignant and vulnerable. Every once in a while we encounter a book or article which we connect to and clearly this text did for you. If you’ve not heard of Brene Brown, I would encourage you to check out her work (she’s cited in my blog) and listen to her TED talks or read some of her articles. She specializes in vulnerability, courage, and shame. My challenge to you is to stay in the self-aware zone and take time to do “your work” on codependency. While you may still have the heart to be codependent you can learn how to manage it, care for yourself and say no to others. Thank you for applying this book in a heartfelt way.
Dan,
I am grateful for your post. Thanks for your openness in sharing. It is a great gift to become more self-aware. We probably never get there completely, but these flashpoints of pain and darkness are potential stepping stones to greater self-awareness. The Enneagram is a helpful tool.
Chris Heuertz’ new book on the Enneagram is really beneficial. He went through his own trauma, and the self-awareness of the Enneagram helped him become a more integrated leader. He has taught me that whatever our number is, there is a pathway of integration and one of disintegration. Twos integrate towards a four, and disintegrate towards an eight.
Link: http://www.zondervan.com/the-sacred-enneagram
Hi Dan,
You are my Brother and I really appreciated your vulnerability in your post. In fact, I referenced yours in mine. You are courageous, Dan!
Is there anything we can do for each other in our battles with the dark side? I am praying for you to overcome by the power of the Holy Spirit. Please pray for me to do the same…
Excellent and transparent post Dan, and I’m grateful to Jay for directing my attention to your post. I feel like you have already started the process of overcoming the dark side by becoming self-aware and admitting the problem and confessing truth. You are an inspiration to other leaders who are caught up in the same race to serve and need to stop and do some introspection in order to make needed changes. If more leaders could take the time to process the stuffed emotions, we would all be more healthy. Truth be told, I struggle with the pleaser mentality too and my 3-ness contributes to this as well.
Dan,
When we were walking to that restaurant in Cape Town your empathy towards my lack of being in shape and bad knees led you to walk along with me, I love your heart brother and I know the struggle as well. Mine erupted several years ago and I have still yet to mend all the fences I burned down. I would encourage you to continue to lean on Christ, but also seek who he brings into your life to be a help.
You wrote “Much like alcoholism it is necessary to recognize that these tendencies toward the ‘dark’ side of leadership are permanent dispositions. Just because someone has gained ascendency over them for a time does not mean they are not areas of future concern.” and that really hit home for me, in my position now I continually see where I might have acted in the past and try to avoid the same pitfalls. I appreciate your transparency in your walk brother.
Jason
Thanks, Dan,
This was a personal post, and let us in even more to your background and makeup. I think some of these readings resonate more with us than others, and I’m glad that this one hit close to home for you. You’ve got a ton on your plate these days, and we’re here for you in any way to give you some grace along the way. Peace, bro!
Your post resonated with me quite strongly.(us introspective folks need to stay together) I felt that this book was one that I need to come back to as well (in all our spare time). I appreciate your heart and your walk. Stay strong brother.
Does the recognized potential for returning to our dark side give the reasoning that we should embrace our short-coming rather than flee from them? My father overcame smoking early in his ministry years…even to the point that he was preaching against the “sins of smoking” at one point. Sadly, at the same time he was a closet smoker due to the stress of preaching. His hypocrisy ended up costing him the minister position at that church, and he had truly confront the obstacle before him. I am not sure I believe we can ever turn from our dark side, but like any addict, I agree that we better always be aware that the threat will always be out there.
Great post
Dan, thanks for being candid with us and sharing from your current reality. I can empathize with co-dependence as I am a responsible person who often wants everyone and everything to be good and have been known to help even to my own detriment.
Your quote, “We will be tempted to deny the periodic reemergence of our dark side. This is a battle we must constantly be prepared to fight.”[3] The fact that the authors believe that with effort, assistance and the grace of God redemption is possible offers a modicum of hope…” and the author’s particular stance on the battle being constant or permanent seems too dreary and not God’s intention for us. I wonder if more grace for oneself and recognition of God’s mercy toward us needs to be owned? I just don’t think we are made ot fight battle’s so much as to live in freedom by God’s Spirit in us. Maybe that sounds trite but perhaps it’s possible to tip the scale to the light side as we grow through our self-knowledge and God’s redeeming presence with us.