How (emotionally) Intelligent Are We?
Each week when my cohort meets to discuss our reading for the week, our lead mentor, Dr. Jason Clark, asks us to give a brief “elevator speech” account of the book. I love this exercise and sometimes write down a particularly good summary given by one of my colleagues. This week I decided to write out my elevator speech before trying to discuss the book, The Leadership Mystique, by Manfred Kets de Vries.
First of all, can we just acknowledge the utter coolness of the author’s name? I mean, I definitely feel for the 11-year-old kid who had to haul that name through junior high, but what a boss name. And the fact that the title of the book seems to be a subtle nod to the Betty Friedan classic, The Feminine Mystique, deepens my respect for him right away.
Kets de Vries’ book is a densely packed, but easy to read primer about the inner world of a healthy leader. Instead of just teaching us about that inner world, Kets de Vries invites us on the journey by including check-lists, quizzes, and questionnaires that help us as readers determine our own emotional intelligence and where we fit on the spectrum of healthy leadership.
That’s my summary. It was easy to write because these are the things that make me want to slow down and savor every part of the book. Because our reading schedule doesn’t really allow for that right now, I decided to take one section and “chew” on it. Chapter Seven is titled “Achieving personal and organizational change.” The best part of the chapter, in my opinion, is the way Kets de Vries’ uses the exercises to peel back the layers of our individual attitudes toward change, and then translate that into the way organizations respond. I could not help but think of the way Chris Lowney described the Jesuits as having the “confidence to embrace new approaches and explore new ideas or perspectives born of a ‘whole world becomes our house’ attitude.”[1] How does is this kind of confidence developed and what does an organization with a leader like that look like? I was particularly intrigued by Kets de Vries’ discussion of organizational mourning in the process of change. When I worked in state government, depending on who was in power at the time, we lived in a state of constant flux. There was a period of about five years where, when I think back, I realize that most of us were never able to complete the mourning process because the changes were so constant. While I am someone who really does like change (just ask my children how often I changed the paint color of our walls when they were growing up), even with that tendency I do not have the capacity to live in that place for an extended period of time. I don’t think any of us really do.
The discussion regarding reaction to change cannot be held outside of Kets de Vries’ earlier exploration of Emotional Intelligence.[2] I am not ashamed to admit that, prior to a good amount of spiritual formation and direction, and evaluation of my own emotional intelligence quotient (EQi), there were some deep pits in my own emotional intelligence. I have had to work really hard to learn to engage with empathy, for example. This was not always the case. As a child I was incredibly empathetic but it was one of the things that, as I became an adult, “atrophied” as Kets de Vries’ puts it.[3] The beauty of emotional intelligence (as opposed to IQ based intelligence) is that we can change and improve our EQi. We simply need to know our baseline, and practice the skills necessary to change.
There is too much in Kets de Vries’ book regarding emotional intelligence to really dig into here. I was delighted to learn, however, that he thinks my tendency toward right-brain thinking is a positive when I have been told so often it is a negative. His take on right-brain functioning got me to thinking of the ways we stifle some of the natural emotional intelligence children are born with rather than teaching them to develop it safely in our communities. Some of those inborn characteristics, if trained into mature emotional intelligence, could lead them to the self-differentiation that Friedman tells us in A Failure of Nerve is crucial to healthy leadership.[4]
[1]. Chris Lowney, Heroic Leadership, (Chicago: Loyola Press, 2003), 166.
[2]. Manfred Kets de Vries, The Leadership Mystique: Leading Behavior in the Human Enterprise, 2nd ed., Harlow, UK: Pearson Education Limited, 2006), 19-35.
[4]. Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve, (New York: Church Publishing, 1999, 2007, 2017).
About the Author
Kristin Hamilton
14 responses to “How (emotionally) Intelligent Are We?”
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Kristin,
Right-brained people rock! They are creative, emotionally insightful, and altogether delightful. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. I’m “right” there with you.
I liked the part about grieving coming with change. Before he wrote that, I was thinking how it would be valuable to mention how grieving comes with change, even when it’s a good change. In my work, change is also defined as “crises”. We need to give ourselves time to change and grieve the change process. It’s a satisfying process helping people get through the various stages and I especially like it when they reach acceptance. How would you suggest helping churches to walk with people in their grief?
I don’t think most churches do a very good job of helping their people move through grief, whether the change is positive or negative. In my experience we like to follow the One Sunday rule – bad or good, we spend one Sunday reflecting on what has happened and then move on back to our regular programming. I noticed this even with the events of 9/11. Our board and senior pastor felt we needed to “move forward” so the “terrorists don’t win,” when we really needed several weeks to process what was happening as the information rolled out. I went to another church on Saturday nights for weeks because they took that time.
I believe it’s important to not only plan for change and the inevitable grief, but also to allow space to suspend regular programming when something sends the congregation reeling, and to take all the time needed to bring them through it in a healthy way.
Kristin, how inspiring! I’m gonna get my elevator speech ready and not wait in fear and trepidation for Jason to call on me!
It’s actually a great idea, coming off of our Intensive exercises for conciseness.
Kets De Vries book had so much in it and I like the self-reflection exercises. We have talked about emotional intelligence before; do you have the name of a good book to recommend? It’s quite frankly a new topic for li’l old right-brained me. You seem really balanced to me!!
I do have some good books to recommend, Mary! I have used all of these books often and they are available on Amazon…
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves
Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Coleman (also, Working With Emotional Intelligence)
The Other Kind of Smart by Harvey Deutchendorf.
Thanks, Kristin. I, too, appreciated the connection he made between individual and organizational emotional responses to change. We DO have a deep need to mourn losses, not just of people, but of places, times, experiences, etc. Individuals have a hard enough time recognizing that need–“we just need to move on”– but Kets de Vries seems so wise to suggest organizations have that same need. I see a connection between this and some of your research– to acknowledge and lament and repent of past institutional sins [negative]– and the health of mourning loss [positive].
I hadn’t really thought about it, Katy, but you are right. The institutional need to lament change while continuing to worship is like the need of the white church community to lament our privilege while continuing to celebrate our spiritual heritage. It’s difficult and messy, which is why so many avoid it at all costs
Kristen,
You brought back memories of my stint at the State Comptroller. Uner on leadership, we were feared and I met many individuals who did not open a welcome door. I was placed in a storage room filled with boxes and one light bulb hanging from the ceiling. Another issue I was refused entry because they owner thought I was there to close down his business. Under that leadership, we were labeled the Bullock Raiders.
One’s leadership abilities have a trickle down affect and we must we aware how we affect others as well as the business.
Isn’t life in public service grand, Lynda? These are some of the hardest places to maintain healthy leadership, especially when our own emotional stores become depleted by the struggle of not being super popular with the people we are serving.
Kristen,
Great post – I grew up with a mother who loved changed and would rearrange the furniture ‘just because’…. I have PTSD from it, I think 🙂 In hindsight it helped learn the value of change – and how to deal with it whether I saw the value or not. As leaders, instituting change and leading through it is a central part of what we do – and probably who we are – and I think it is really important to account for that ‘mourning’ and not necessarily cater to it, but to acknowledge it as real, at least.
I think just that acknowledgement can be crucial in the difference between coming through that mourning period and embracing that change or not.
I induced that PTSD in my kids too, Chip. The cool thing is that my middle child INSISTED on taking time to mourn these changes before she was ready to embrace them. We did this with every move, every room change, even when they got a new pediatrician! She forced us to slow down both before and after the change to think about they why and how of it all. I’m really grateful that this is a big part of her personality.
Loved the elevator speech. I may need to consider that approach first with our next book.
“Some of those inborn characteristics, if trained into mature emotional intelligence, could lead them to the self-differentiation that Friedman tells us in A Failure of Nerve is crucial to healthy leadership.”
It is so true that the characteristics we are born with end up somehow being suppressed and not matured as we grow older. It not only impacts our ability to grow and thrive in our life purpose but limits are ability to be a great leader.
I don’t know why I didn’t start writing out my elevator speech for every book before, Christal!
I do sometimes wonder if there were things I was born with that have been “matured” out of me but I really do need to function within my healthiest personality. I hope those things are coming back as I grow and aren’t lost forever.
Great summery Kristin! “Kets de Vries invites us on the journey…that help us as readers determine our own emotional intelligence and where we fit on the spectrum of healthy leadership.”
Healthy leadership is something so wonderful. A healthy leader can change the world! On the other hand, those leaders who are not healthy can cause a lot of pain and destruction. Regrettably, we rarely hear about the healthy leader who makes a positive and long-lasting impact on the people they lead. I served with several. It must be Lynda’s mood ring post that started me thinking about highschool. Many years ago—when I was in High School, I had a teacher who inspired and encouraged me. He was a healthy leader. He saw something in me and my “right-brain” processing that I, at 16 years old, couldn’t see in myself. He led with passion, conviction and a level of expertise that was and is very rare even today. Thank you Mr. Feorene—may the world be filled with more teachers who inspire and lead!
Oh Jim, I am so grateful for teachers like that in our lives. It’s what I aspired to be when I taught high school because I had Mrs. Wintersteen who saw something in me as well.
How can pastors and other church leaders take on this same role?