5 Hours and 6 Stitches Later
About a month ago, my family, which includes my wife and two boys, ages 8 and 14, were having a barbeque with two other families from our church who also have boys. That means seven boys in all. You can imagine the noise levels, chaos, and energy when they were all together.
Ironically, my friend Larry and I were talking about how protective we should be as parents with our rowdy boys. We were discussing how far up we should let them climb trees and how close we should be when they do certain activities. We were concluding that we should let our boys be boys, within reason of course. Then it happened…
Right in the middle of this conversation, essentially about “safetyism”, I see Larry’s eyes get huge while saying an explicative. My 8-year-old son had swung a metal bat to hit a ball, and his 5-year-old son walked behind him at the wrong time and got the front of his head split. Wailing started as blood poured down this little guy’s face, and the night took a significant turn to the E.R.
Five hours, six stitches, and a “sorry I hit you in the head with a bat” gift later, we were all back at the house, rehashing the event and even laughing after we knew everyone was alright. What a night, though.
There is a tendency after these types of events to hover more. Not only to keep our kids safe but to avoid the anxiety, stress, and suffering we go through when we see our kids hurting. My wife and I were at Vanderbilt for two weeks after our youngest jumped out of a grocery cart when he was four. This event started a four-year journey with seizures for him, and it takes a constant toll on our emotions. He had his latest seizure last week.
Although I take pride in growing up on a farm, having a lot of free play, and playing contact sports, with all the broken bones, stitches, and hospital visits it came with, I find myself wanting to protect my children from these types of things. I understand now why my Mom was a wreck with all that my brother and I got into growing up.
However, after all that, I still agree with much of what Jonathan Haidt says about overprotectiveness in this week’s reading, The Anxious Generation. While reading, I couldn’t help but think about the saying:
Hard times create strong people.
Strong people create good times.
Good times create weak people.
Weak people create hard times.
Cycle Restarts.
On the one hand, I believe our ceiling should be the next generation’s floor. On the other hand, there are some things they need to experience themselves to grow and develop into mature and resilient adults, which is the main argument in not only this book by Jonathan Haidt, but also his other duel project with Greg Lukianoff, The Coddling of the American Mind.[i] This week’s deals with much younger people, and the other deals with college students and the trend of safe spaces and mislabeling uncomfortable concepts, history, conversations, and language as trauma. This does make me wonder if “good times are creating weak people” and what part of all this shifting is human evolution. A hardened WW2 veteran might likely be considered weak or soft in some areas by a Persian soldier in the Iron Age or an Egyptian soldier in the Bronze.
We are far removed from those periods and live in a much different world, which brings us to social media and technology usage with kids. Haidt both challenges my allowances in this area and validates some of my long-held suspicions about screen usage and social media’s effect on children and young people’s development. At first, I thought I was safe since I don’t have girls, and much of the negative impact of social media seems to target them, but his book covers all ages and genders. My wife and I are prime candidates for this subject since we are right in the middle of these formative years with our boys and they love their screens…. and so do we.
This brings me to one of my big takeaways from this book and in general. Jonathan says, “But what you do often matters far more than what you say, so watch your own phone habits.”[ii] Ouch. This philosophy touches on several things. Protecting our kids is usually because we don’t want them hurt, but we also don’t want to experience the stress and anxiety of them (or other kids) getting hurt or worrying about them. Not giving them responsibilities or chores can be because we can do it quicker or better than they can. Not regulating their screen or phone usage may be because we don’t continuously regulate our own, whether it’s work or entertainment.
This reminds me of a response Kim Sanford gave in one of her blogs about helping kids regulate their emotions. She said we may not want to hear this, but if we can’t regulate our own emotions as parents, how do we expect them to do it? This mentality shows just how important our own growth as parents or grandparents is to the next generation.
[i] Lukianoff, Greg, and Jonathan Haidt. The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting up a Generation for Failure. New York City: Penguin Books, 2019.
[ii] Haidt, Jonathan. The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness. New York: Penguin Press, 2024.
About the Author
Adam Harris
I am currently the Associate Pastor at a church called Godwhy in Hendersonville, TN near Nashville. We love questions and love people even more. Our faith community embraces God and education wholeheartedly. I graduated from Oral Roberts University for undergrad and Vanderbilt for my masters. I teach historical critical Biblical studies at my church to help our community through their questions and ultimately deepen their faith. I love research, writing, learning, and teaching. I oversee our staff and leadership development. Before being at Godwhy I worked as a regional sales coach and director for Anytime Fitness. I've been married for over 13 years to my best friend and we have two amazing boys that keep us busy.14 responses to “5 Hours and 6 Stitches Later”
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Hi Adam,
I truly enjoyed your post. I have three children, two with God, one moving away. Ages 23,23, and 24. All in the anxious generation category.
Sigh…So I am dealing with young adults who I may have let loose to early into the internet.
Pam Lau told me that God is not surprised by the internet.
My mind flashed back to Genesis 11:6 The LORD said, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.
Then I thought about a hard wood tree. One person harvests the fruit for 20 years feeding family and friends, when the tree dies the farmer makes a plow, One, a Soldier, takes the wood and makes a shaft for a spear. Somewhere in the tree’s life there were children climbing, children swinging, and teen agers smooching in the cool shade.
God created man and the tree. With free will he gave us, we are challenged, tempted, connected by social media. Pluses? I interact with Europe and Africa daily on social media. Minuses? Well Haidt spells that out.
Consider the gun, like social media useful or deadly.
That’s all I got.
Shalom
Appreciate the response, Russell, and love that illustration of the chain of events with the tree. Tools, technology, and developments will keep coming our way. Like you inferred, good or bad, It is up to us in how we use them!
Ouch! It is so true… what we do matters more than what we say. Modeling the behavior that we ask of our children is so difficult at times, especially with electronics.
Yeah, that hits me right between the eyes as well!
yes, parents of boys! Lots and lots and lots of ER trips for us too. I mentioned the big stuff in my blog, I know we have bonded over having children with epilepsy. What I didn’t say was that one of my children also has had 10 broken bones before the age of 12. Thank God those all happened in public so we didn’t get accused, but all of it seems like trauma to me. I’m a traumatized parent which leads to “controlling” parents. Ugh. I appreciate your story and your take on the book. Highlighting how we model our screen usage. I agree, that matters more than what we say!
I my goodness Jana, that’s alot of broken bones. You win! Those ER visits really do take a toll on you. I know TEN will do that for sure. Parenting can be a challenge…rewarding, amazing, and incredibly meaningful, but a challenge at times. Growing a lot through this process. They are like little mirrors that reflect both the good and the not-so-good behaviors they are picking up from us!
Jana,
I cannot imagine 10 broken bones in one person. I’m sure that you and your husband experienced some trauma around those events. Parenting is truly the hardest job.
“But what you do often matters far more than what you say, so watch your own phone habits.”
Such a great quote. I’ve found my biggest influence on my adult kids right now is keeping my own side of the street clean…. being so present with them and not distracted by tech that they see life can be lived differently.
Great post man. I have lots of hope for your kids!
Thanks, Tim; it’s a constant “Are we doing enough here or not doing enough there” but we are loving our kids the best we can and trying to “keep our side of the street clean as well” (I like that) lol. Speaking of which, I appreciate your posts; definitely gleaned some wisdom from your openness and hearing about your parenting journey.
Thanks for your great post Adam!! You mentioned shared about the anxiety that we have as parents to protect our kids. I often thought that the ways I protected my girls was tied to my own trauma and wanting to protect them. I remember that some of the anxiety I had when raising my girls often came out in my dreams. It was a constant cycle of prayer, trust and surrender.
You hit the nail on the head. I absolutely agree with that, we do end up trying to protect our kids from some of the things we experienced and end up overcompensating, creating other kinds of issues. Yes, prayer and seeking God’s spirit and guidance along the way is so important. Especially when you realize each kid needs a different approach! Thanks for your response Cathy, .
Hi Adam,
I enjoyed reading your post. I even smiled to myself. I think you are right that often, parents’ anxiety is too much that it makes children experience challenges in developing their creativity and courage. I am also one of them. Therefore, parents must first address their mental problems before educating and raising their children. However, Haidt’s writing also helps us to be more vigilant in supervising our children in cyberspace. I am very motivated by his thoughts. My question is, do you allow your children to use social media? If yes, how do you and your wife regulate and manage your children’s use of social media? How do you and your wife protect your children from social media’s direct and indirect impacts? Blessings!
Thanks for the response Dinka, at this point, my oldest has no desire to posts or share content on social media. My youngest would love to, but we don’t let him at this point. However, they do watch videos and my oldest games online, so THAT is where we have to monitor and set guidelines on content and screen time usage. We have full access to their phones and put password-protected restrictions, knowing they could possibly find ways around it, so we check them randomly and pretty regularly.
We are still learning about the direct and indirect impacts and learning as we go! This is the world we live in so we want them engaging with it to an extent, but trying to find the balance.
What a joy to read your post. I’m sure we all related to that anxious moment with the boys, and maybe less than a handful of us could relate to how it feels to have a beautiful child who has extra electrical activity in the brain. As the Lord brings you to mind, I will pray for his healing.
I also love how you ended your post encouraging us to grow as parents and grandparents by regulating our emotions knowing our children will respond to our emotions. This is why I believe having a breathing technique is invaluable during those moments of stress. Sir Adam, thank you for your heartfelt post. Much respect to you man.