The Miss In Mistakes
Living in suburban areas, having a vehicle is a necessity. I will never forget how a lifelong friend of mine called me up, asking if I could assist him as his car was having mechanical difficulties. He asked me to follow him to the mechanic, drop his vehicle off, take him to work and be the point of contact for when the mechanic calls. It was a Friday, he also was the coach of a 7th grade girls softball team and worked a job where cell phones were not permitted except at lunch. The mechanic would later call me, giving me the diagnostic results while requesting permisssion to do the repairs. Consenting on my friend’s behalf, he later called me to tell me the repairs were complete. I sent a text to my friend telling him that the car was done and he could go and pick it up when he got off work. No problem, right?
Around 5:30 in the afternoon my friend calls me back frantically and yelling, Daren the shop is closed for the weekend and no one is this there!!! I replied, I told you the shop closed at 4:30pm. He yells back no you did not, Looking at my text I saw embarassingly I actually typed 5:30pm instead of 4:30pm. The worst part is he needed his vehicle to transport the kids for a softball tournament that weekend and he had no way of getting him or the kids there. Consequently, I later rented him a large-size SUV at my expense so he and the kids could go play in the tournament. I made a huge mistake, but thankfully, we all were able to overcome it.
Handling Mistakes is a matter Shane Parrish tackles in his book Clear Thinking. Parrish’s writing centers on the skills needed for clear thinking. The first section identifies the enemies of clear thinking and how we can create space. The second section deals with the practical application associated with clear thinking. The book, full of practical advice, is broken up into five parts (The enemies of clear thinking, building strength, managing weakness, decisions, and wanting what matters). As there is much to unpack, I would like to focus my thoughts on the section on handling mistakes. Why? It seems as though understanding and wrongness have served as dominant themes all semester.
When it comes to mistakes, Parrish asserts they present us with a choice; “whether to update your ideas or ignore the failure they’ve produced and keep believing what you have always believed.”[1] Looking back at my incident with my friend at the car dealership, I had a choice. I could have said I was wrong, but instead by renting him a car, I was looking at the failure I produced. I felt horrible, embarassed, panicked and not like a true friend in that moment. I failed my friend. When we think about it, no one desires to fail, and no one wants to produce failure.
Perhaps the negative feelings associated with failure are actually what people are attempting to ignore, more than the failure itself. Parrish gives us his take. “Many people don’t want to hear that their ideas are wrong.”[2] This aligns with Robert Duffy’s mode of thought who says it’s more than ideas. In Why We’re Wrong in Nearly Everything he suggests, “many of us got lots of basic social and political facts very wrong”[3]. Mistakes are bound to happen, as opposed to making them, handling them is a higher responsibility. Parrish contends that not just hearing but also seeing leads to correcting. “If you want to see what you are thinking is wrong you need to make it visible.”[4] Looking back I can clearly see the error of my ways via text because it was in black and white (and blue/ iphone). In pondering this point I am left to consider how I have missed the mark in my mistakes by not making them visible. Not wanting them out there has left me caught many times.
“All successful execution in the world is worthless if it’s not the service of the right outcome.” Parrish also offers 4 steps to handling our mistakes better to his readers:
- Accept Responsibility
- Learn from the mistake
- Commit to doing better
- Repair the damage as best as you can [5]
As I agree with Parrish’s steps of corrrection, his premise of turning ordinary moments into extraordinary results leads me to a thought he does not quite unpack. I would like to know if these are all the strategies he utilizes amidst a cancel culture society? With so many people on pins and needles, there is a growing attempt to avoid and hide making costly mistakes. Notwithstanding, this is a great and clear read to improve our thinking and reacting.
[1] Shane Parrish, Clear Thinking: Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results, (London, UK: Cornerstone Press, 2023).115.
[2] Parrish, Clear Thinking, 114.
[3] Bobby Duffy, Why We’re Wrong About Nearly Everything: A Theory of Human Misunderstanding, First US edition (New York: Basic Books, 2019), 221.
[4] Parrish, Clear Thinking, 114
[5] Parrish, Clear Thinking 116-17
About the Author
Daren Jaime
14 responses to “The Miss In Mistakes”
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Thanks Daren, for sharing this story and for the way you engaged with your emotions around this mistake, as well as seeking to do the right thing. I think recognizing our emotions as data, not directives is key. You seem to be able to leverage your emotions to do what was right, rather than displace blame or retreat. What sort of resiliency in you caused you to do this?
Hey Ryan. I think the resiliency came in accepting accountability. This is a practice I have employed for some time now in leadership. John Maxwell says everything rises and falls with leadership and this has stuck with me. How we handle mistakes speaks equally as how we lead correctly. Parrish also speaks of repair the damage as best as you can. (Page 117)
This was my thought, I caused the blunder and how can I make this right? Fortunately I did.
Hi Daren, Thanks for the post. So many little hiccups in life seem to stem from texts mistyped, never sent, or lost in space. I feel for you on the SUV incident. The process for growing from mistakes reminds me of the 12 Steps, including making amends. Shame can be a barrier to getting started. How do you see shame intersecting with healthfully facing mistakes on the daily? What, if anything, in Parrish that intersects with overcoming the emotion of shame?
Hey Julie! The feeling of shame is all too real and at times can be overwhelming and seemingly insurmountable to overcome in the present. Parrish speaks of self accountability and when this rises above shame righting our wrongs can become possible. He says also you are not a victim. (Page 52) Feeling shame at times makes us a victim and there must be intentionality not to fall in that trap.
Brother Daren. Thank you for sharing your story. You are hard on yourself. You went above and beyond and did the right thing in renting a car. You are a good man.
You did every one of these correctly:
Accept Responsibility
Learn from the mistake
Commit to doing better
Repair the damage as best as you can
Keep up the good work sir, and you are the kind of man I would like to hang out with. You are alright in my book.
Thanks Chris! I am still a work in progress!
Oh Daren,
I have learned so much from you this first year, and the way you responded to your friend is beyond humble. It shows the world that you are an undefended leader, prone to making mistakes, and also owns up to them.
I am someone who prefers to honor a relationship over a situation, and boy did you prove that to your friend. That’s some stellar behavior, my friend.
I also recognize that we are all human. In that light, and in response to your last question, if one of your congregants came to you and asked how to respond to a grave mistake they made (think major crime), how would you advise them?
Nancy! As soon as I read your post my mind went to an immediate experience. I am a chaplain for our police department and several years ago there was a relative of one of our congregants who was involved in a serious crime, The police were on the hunt for him and his family believing me to be a credible messenger arranged for us to meet because he did not want to hide, but was contemplating running and leaving the state.
We had almost a two hour meeting in my office after church and I expounded on Parrish’s accepting responsibility and doing the right thing. After going through his feelings, emotions, and remorse, I convinced him he should turn himself in; scared of police retaliation, he balked, cutting across the field. I was able to convince him and personally drive him down to the police precinct and surrender him to the authorities. He is presently doing 20 years but he avoided a life sentence without parole because he accepted responsibility and tried to make things right.
Daren, you are a prince of a friend. Really.
I’m wondering which of the strategies you might try to implement or pay attention to this summer? And why?
Hi Debbie, I think I am inclined to focus on Evaluate the Options. In my ministry context I am faced with many decision making matters and I have tended to get them resolved quickly so I can move into my next task. While this may be expedient it has not always been the best course of action.
Evaluating the options also moves me into System 2 vs a System 1 approach which is our natural default. Some great outcomes take time so patience and evaluating the options is truly my summer strategy.
Daren, thank you for the story and your perspective on Parrish’s work. As a fellow pastor, I am curious how you see specific insights from Parrish influencing your leadership of a congregation?
Hey Chad! Parrish’s book is filled with many simple but practical insights. Handling mistakes is at the top of the list. As a congregational leader you know many of the members are quick to assume blame and not accept personal responsibility. Utilizing these steps can be great in mitigating and minimizing putting out fires we should not have to.
Also, defining the problem and exploring possible solutions is a hit for me. Many times people come to me to resolve a matter or make a decision because of my leadership role. I have learned how to create shared leadership by telling each person that before you come to me, what are three possible solutions, followed by what is your recommendation. I have found utilizing this has given them skin in the game while simultaneously taking the onus off of me. While in many cases I am the ultimate decision maker, allowing them to think through in front and alongside of me has been a great tool in developing their leadership growth.
Daren, thank you for this powerful post. As many have already said, it sounds like you’re a solid friend! Despite the role of shame in this incident, you still went above and beyond what many would say was “required” of the situation. When you said, ” I have missed the mark in my mistakes by not making them visible”, I couldn’t help but join you in thinking about the power of making things visible.
Knowing that sometimes what keeps us from making things visible is not wanting them out in public, I’d be curious if there are certain areas of life you find it easier than others to accept responsibly/own mistakes, why, and what “rules” might you implement as safeguards?
Daren, I’ve enjoyed learning from you this semester. You show an excellent, Godly example in your response to the vehicle situation. Choosing to rent an SUV and trying to right the wrong shows humility, love, and self-responsibility. Well done!