Brené Brings it All Together
There have been a couple of overarching themes running through our doctoral learning. We’ve read and discussed a great deal about leading out of who you are[1], leadership and differentiation and being a non-anxious presence[2]. I’ve felt this internal work deeply, to the extent that I’ve joked with a couple of close friends that I’m doing a doctoral-level self-help program. But in all seriousness, some of these ideas have been threshold concepts for me personally and I’ve heard my cohort say the same.
Another major theme, notably this semester, has been the big umbrella under which we can put identity politics which has led to cancel culture and its antidote intelligent discourse. As I’ve had these various themes rolling around in my head and sometimes even vying for attention, I hadn’t really been able to bring them all together until now. Reading Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead felt like the perfect integration of personal growth, emotional intelligence and courageously refusing to self-censor in the face of identity politics’ excesses.
Many are already familiar with Brown’s research as a sociologist. Her work has focused on the importance of vulnerability, empathy, and connection especially as a remedy to shame.[3] She has done fantastic work on bringing those qualities, or being wholehearted as she sometimes calls it[4], into the realm of leadership. Today I’d like to explore what it looks like to bring wholeheartedness into the space where cancel culture meets rational discourse.
In the opening pages of her book, Brown suggests creating “a culture in which people feel safe, seen, heard and respected.”[5] While of course these are generally good things to aim for, we have seen how when taken to the extreme they can contribute to an environment where we all walk on eggshells. For fear of making someone feel uncomfortable, we self-censor. For fear of being canceled, we disengage from discourse and thereby disconnect from each other. As Brown says, “We are hardwired for connection,”[6] so it’s no wonder that we’re seeing more and more anxiety and brokenness all around us.
What wisdom might we find in Brown’s research and writing to resist cancel culture and all that goes with it?
- Lean into discomfort instead of numbing our emotions or avoiding hard conversations.[7]
- Practice integration instead of false binaries.[8] To me this speaks of nuance in our conversations and even in our identities. Could it be that Brown is even advocating integrating our shadow selves as Daniel Lieberman talked about?[9] How might we even integrate our unwanted identities that lead to shame reactions?[10]
- Employ courageous curiosity which may have the added benefit of increasing such traits as creativity, intelligence, improved learning and problem solving.[11]
- And finally, practice and build up the skills of empathy, which Brown outlines in a four-step process.[12]
All of these principles taken together seem like a good start to combat the “erosion of civility in discourse” manifested in tactics like shouting down our opponents or moral grandstanding.[13] As we continue to pursue rational discourse and free speech, there is one more author who I would like to include in this conversation. At the recommendation of my coach, I’ve begun reading Boundaries for your Soul by Allison Cook and Kimberly Miller. I’m only a couple of chapters into the book, but it’s already brought me a new perspective on empathy and emotional health. The authors describe a unique approach to managing emotions, namely not letting them too close (thereby controlling you) nor pushing them too far away (thereby suppressing or ignoring them).[14] This complements Brené Brown’s advice when she says, “Ruminating and getting stuck is as unhelpful as not noticing.”[15]
At the end of the day, that advice could be applied equally to the thoughts and arguments of others. We can listen with curiosity to both our own emotions and to others’ arguments. We can interact with and explore, dialogue with nuance, and in the end accept all or part or none of someone else’s argument. In the same way, Cook and Miller describe how we can dialogue with our own emotions.[16] Brené Brown’s wisdom can help us navigate our own selves, our leadership contexts and even our polarized society as we grow in curiosity, empathy, and connection.
[1] Simon P. Walker, Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership, The Undefended Leader Trilogy. 1 (Piquant, 2007).
[2] Friedman, Edwin H.. A Failure of Nerve : Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (10th Anniversary, Revised Edition), Church Publishing Incorporated, 2017.
[3] Brené Brown, Dare to Lead: Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts (London: Vermilion, 2018)136.
[4] Ibid., 156.
[5] Ibid., 12.
[6] Ibid., 25.
[7] Ibid., 87.
[8] Ibid, 90.
[9] Daniel Lieberman, Spellbound (Dallas, TX: BenBella Books, 2022).
[10] Brené Brown, Dare to Lead: Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts (London: Vermilion, 2018) 123.
[11] Ibid., 171.
[12] Ibid., 143.
[13] Lukianoff, Greg & Rikki Schlott. The Canceling of the American Mind: How Cancel Culture Undermines Trust, Destroys Institutions, and Threatens Us All. NY: Simon and Schuster, 2023. Chapter 7.
[14] Cook, Allison and Kimberly Miller, Boundaries for Your Soul (Nashville, TN: Nelson Books, 2018). 7.
[15] Brené Brown, Dare to Lead: Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts (London: Vermilion, 2018) 149.
[16] Cook, Allison and Kimberly Miller, Boundaries for Your Soul (Nashville, TN: Nelson Books, 2018). Kindle location 381.
About the Author
Kim Sanford
10 responses to “Brené Brings it All Together”
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Hi Kim, Great post as usual! I am wondering if the authors you mention, Cook and Miller, talk at all about active listening or attunement. I am working with my therapist and my coach on those – (they are basically the same thing).
I too felt that Brene Brown was a great wrap up to all the themes we’ve been reading about this semester.
Kally, my guess is that you would find their approach to be applying similar principles but to actively listen to what they call “troublesome parts of yourself” or “overwhelming emotions”. I’m only half way through the book at this point and it’s a little hard to explain, but I’m finding it very interesting. It’s a very grace-filled approach. Actually, I don’t think I mentioned this in my original post, but they say their approach is their attempt to apply Internal Family Systems to our internal world.
I love that you picked up on “courageous curiosity”… what a concept!!! I’d love that to be etched on my tombstone, and I’m working hard to be that courageously curious person.
Kim, you are an amazing, encouraging scholar. I appreciate how you blend scholarly analysis with real life ministry and build us up in the process. I’m glad we’re doing this program together.
See you in DC.
Thanks, Tim, your kind words mean a lot to me. And yes, may we all grow to be more curious and more courageous together!
Kim,
As always, well-written! You wrote “We can listen with curiosity to both our own emotions and to others’ arguments.” Oh goodness! That is not always easy but you are so right. When you find your emotions rising while someone is bringing something up that goes against your belief system, what strategies are helpful to bring curiosity into play and not a defensive response?
Oh, Esther, that is currently my major challenge / growth point. I’m trying and frequently failing (but with practice maybe getting a little better) to calm down my self-righteous or defensive response and leave room for compassion and curiosity. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s the same strategy that I teach parents. Pause button = space for compassion and curiosity.
Kim,
What a great post. . . so many connections in all of our readings. It is sometimes harder to lean into discomfort, numb our emotions, and avoid hard conversations. What helps you lead into discomfort when hard conversations are to be had with people you minister to?
HI Kim,
Great post and I appreciate the integration with identity politics. You wrote, “Reading Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead felt like the perfect integration of personal growth, emotional intelligence and courageously refusing to self-censor in the face of identity politics’ excesses.” I agree. There were a lot of connections for me. I’m currently reading, You Belong Here, by Kim Dabbs. Well, in my limited free time so it’s going slow. She speaks to that part of identity that we allow to be formed by others and challenges readers to focus on the aspects of our identity that serve us well rather than those that don’t. What helps you hold onto your identity versus self-censor? Are there certain situations that feel more challenging to you? I’m starting to track this for myself. Have a great summer!
Really great work in summarizing the semester, Kim! It is a helpful read for someone like me whose brain is swirling between the various due dates. I especially appreciated this quote:
“We can listen with curiosity to both our own emotions and to others’ arguments. We can interact with and explore, dialogue with nuance, and in the end accept all or part or none of someone else’s argument.”
This perfectly captures the mentality I want my stakeholders to adopt when navigating disagreements. I think if we can give people the permission to listen in that way, we could really transform the way we fellowship together!
Kim,
Another great post. I always learn something new from your posts. You homed in on one of my favorite Brene Brown statements, you wrote, ““We are hardwired for connection”. This is so true and as you point out, can be one of the reasons that “we’re seeing more and more anxiety and brokenness all around us.”
I hope we get some one-on-one time in DC…I’d love to share a cup of coffee and chat more.