the NERVE of me?!?
The vagus nerve is the longest nerve of the autonomic nervous system and is one of the most important nerves in the body. The vagus nerve helps to regulate many critical aspects of human physiology, including the heart rate, blood pressure, sweating, digestion, and even speaking. When a person has an argument, series struggle, or trauma the vagus nerve (which proceeds from the base of the brain) sends impulses to “only four parts of the body (the rear of the throat, heart, lungs, and stomach).” [1]. Can you remember when you or someone else was in an argument or in distress and you tried to speak? What happened? Your voice changed or got higher. This is because when a person is distressed or in trauma and they attempt to talk the vagus nerve almost closes the throat, which leads to a change in speech. Have you ever heard the phrase, “All choked up” or while grabbing the throat a person says, about a sports team, “they had the lead and choked” Those phrases come from the vagus nerve because it feels like your throat is closing when you are under distress, which causes your voice to change.
Parkinson’s disease is the only disease that eats or destroys the vagus nerve. In other words, Parkinson’s disease causes a failure of nerve. Parkinson’s disease causes 1 hand to tremor, the body stiffens, and becomes slow to move. Could it be, if we have a failure of nerve, we have emotional Parkinson’s disease?
This is why Friedman says the real problem of leadership is a failure of nerve. Leaders fail not because they lack information, skill, or technique, but because they lack the nerve and presence to stand firm in the midst of other people’s emotional anxiety and reactivity.
Friedman’s understanding of leadership hinges on the idea of emotional process. Every family and every institution has an implicit emotional/relational environment, and a way of operating within that environment. Good leadership has less to do with skill, data, technique, or knowledge, and more to do with a leader’s ability to discern and navigate the emotional and relational climate of a family or organization. “The universal problem for all partnerships was not getting closer; it was preserving self in a close relationship.” [2]. The conversations we have with others is not about the relationship because “the conversation is the relationship.” [3]. This means when we don’t have the nerve to do what’s necessary to preserve the relationship or move toward others in relationship, we have a failure of nerve.
The key variable in leadership is a leader’s presence. Rather than focusing on technique or know-how, we need to focus on the leader’s own presence and being. Here’s what the key variable in leadership is: a leader’s presence. Rather than focusing on technique or know-how, we need to focus on the leader’s own presence and being. Throughout his work Friedman speaks of the importance of a “well-differentiated leader.” Here’s what I think he means:
• Unhealthy emotional systems are marked by reactivity. A well-differentiated leader doesn’t react to other people’s reactions; he or she is a calm, steady presence.
• Unhealthy emotional systems are marked by a herding instinct. A well-differentiated leader has a strong sense of self and can effectively separate while remaining connected. This is because “instead of spending all their time worrying about how to lead other people, the truly great leaders spend their time figuring out how to lead themselves.” [4].
• Unhealthy emotional systems are marked by blame displacement. A well-differentiated leader takes responsibility for himself and leads others to do the same.
• Unhealthy emotional systems are marked by a quick-fix mentality; relief from pain is more important than lasting change. A well-differentiated leader realizes that true long-term change requires discomfort, and he or she is willing to lead others through discomfort toward change.
• Unhealthy emotional systems are marked by poorly defined leadership. A well-differentiated leader takes decisive stands at the risk of displeasing others.
Taking Friedman’s cue to “focus on responsibility rather empathy,” [5] it caused me to ask two questions:
1. To my third child who is 18 years old, “Noel, what issues do you have in your life, but you have those issues because of me?
2. To my Board of Directors, I sent an email with this question to discuss at our next meeting. “Has there been anything you wanted to bring up as a board member but were afraid I would avoid it or just sweep it under the rug? Thus, you would continue to feel unheard and unloved by me.
Now, I’m wondering what type of “disease” is eating away at my nerve…thus giving me emotional Parkinson’s disease???
[1] Kolk van der Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the healing of Trauma. Penguin Publishing, 2015. 39.
[2] Friedman, Edwin H. A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (10 Anniversary, Revised Edition), Church Publishing Incorporated, 2017. 99.
[3] Scott, Susan. Fierce Conversations. New American Library, 2017. 5.
[4] Waite, Michael. Great Leaders Live Like Drug Addicts. Forefront Books, 2020. 64.
[5] Friedman, Edwin H. A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (10 Anniversary, Revised Edition), Church Publishing Incorporated, 2017. 143.
About the Author
Todd E Henley
Todd is an avid cyclist who loves playing frisbee golf, watching NASCAR, making videos, photography, playing Madden football, and watching sport. He is addicted to reading, eating fruits and vegetables, and drinking H2O. His passion is talking about trauma, epigenetics, chromosomes, and the brain. He has been blessed with a sensationally sweet wife and four fun creative children (one of which resides in heaven). In his free time he teaches at Fresno Pacific Biblical Seminary and is the Founder/Executive Director of Restore Counseling Center.12 responses to “the NERVE of me?!?”
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I logged on just now to begin reading what other’s have written about this book as I process what it is that I want to write. I am still digesting this book and applying to to many situations and relationships in my own work, family and life. I am not new to Friedman but I am finding that I really, really needed a refresher course! Actually, I felt quite convicted throughout the book – like perhaps there are several situations where I have not been the best non-anxious presence! Your entire paragraph on why Friedman says the real problem of leadership is a failure of nerve was so helpful for me to read. You give a great synopsis and clear understanding of Friedman’s thesis. I also appreciated how you took your learnings and applied them to real life situations in which you find yourself. Thank you for helping to process this book!
Pastor Kally, my respect for you is off the charts, so the fact YOU took time to read my post humbles me. I am new to Friedman and “enjoyed” the book thoroughly. I want to read it in its entirely over the summer. Like you, I also felt convicted and had to do some inner work on myself. I’m glad I could help you process the book!😊
Todd — wow, such a helpful, transparent, and bold question you sent your Board of Directors. That was brave, brother. I read that and thought to myself, “Could I send that?” And then I thought about my presence on the boards that I serve on. Like, in what way are other board members, including the executive directors of each organization, experiencing my presence? Am I bringing a non-anxious presence to each of those contexts? Such a great post, Todd.
Hey Travis! Man, I really love YOUR questions! In what way are they experiencing your presence means they ARE experiencing your presence but in what way. Honestly, I think that’s a better question because that allows everyone to actually share what they are experiencing from you.
I also thought because of your response, do I bring a non-anxious presence when I talk on the phone, text, or visit my board members. Travis, thanks for helping me to do more inner work!😊
Just to tag on to this string: I think that as you work on your own presence, those that are in your meetings will be automatically freer to be candid with their concerns, or inputs. Confidence is contagious!
The past few weeks, I have been reflecting on a recent interaction with a leader and I’ve been trying to figure out why they seem so easy to work with. This string has helped me start to put a finger on it: I feel like I can be candid with this person and lend my true, unpolished view of what is going on… and I think that comes from their confidence. Now, I would not say this person has our challenges figured out. They are still there, and they are daunting. But this leader is not anxious about it- there is a confidence that we have the tools we need to forge the necessary path. Makes me want to stay engaged.
Hey Jennifer, I like what you said about as we work on our own presence, others will be freer to be candid. That actually prompted a thought. “What if a board member or person still is not freer to be candid? Maybe that means there is an issue with them and not me?” This tells me I need to be aware when others are afraid to share or if I need to lovingly draw them out to share. Thanks for prompting this thought process. 😊
In your post, when you said, “The key variable in leadership is a leader’s presence. Rather than focusing on technique or know-how, we need to focus on the leader’s own presence and being,” it reminded me of a stellar book by Mark Sayers “A Non-Anxious Presence: How a Changing and Complex World Will Create a Remnant of Renewed Christian Leaders.”
In it Sayer’s borrows from Friedman’s phrase to connect to relational networks in which anxiety can move through them, say the way a virus moves through the population.
Are you seeing this in your counseling practice? In particular, are you seeing an increase of anxiety now, then say, pre-pandemic?
Hey my brother! Thanks for the recommendation. It’s now on my summer reading list!
What we are seeing now is anxiety has been normalized. Depression, anxiety, stress are challenges that many people realize are “normal” based upon our fasted-pace society. In fact, tonight, one of our therapists is starting an “Anxiety to Peace” Therapy Group because there is such a great need to help people heal from their anxiety.
But we also see that believers still struggle to admit they have an anxiety problem or they constantly struggle with depression. I hope I answered your question, sir?
Todd,
Like others, I appreciate your post. I know we’re not supposed to summarize the book too much in our posts…but your summary is great!
My question: do you think empathy and responsibility are at odds with each other as Friedman suggests? It seems to me he has set up a false dichotomy between the two-justifying it by distorting the definition of empathy to ‘how people are now using the term’ rather than the healthy definition of the term. What do you think?
Hey Scott. BINGO! That was the one area I disagreed with and thought about posting but it would have made my post way too long. Being empathetic IS being responsible. We are wired for empathy because of the hormone oxytocin in our brain. I agree when he wrote, “dialogue is only possible when we can learn to distinguish feelings from opinions” p 142 But I don’t agree that a focus on empathy rather than responsibility has contributed to a major disorientation in our society. Honestly Scott, it appears he may have had a bad experience with someone else’s empathy in the past.
So, I don’t think empathy and responsibility are at odds with each other as he suggested. As I said, Empathy IS being responsible.
Todd as someone who has vasovagal reactions, and a mom with Parkinson’s disease, your post drew me in. A leaders steady nerve and presence is key to leadership.
And as someone with teenage kids your question slayed me: “what issues do you have in your life, but you have those issues because of me?” I’m planning on asking my own kids this question.
Thanks
Hey Tim, when you speak, I listen! Steady presence stands out in your post. It reminds me of John 3:22, where it says and Jesus spent time with his disciples. Which means he rubbed off on them. My steady presence should rub off on my board and family in positive ways.
That’s a tough question to ask my children and now I’m including my wife in the question. I feel this is important in order to grow and development as a leader, husband and father.
Thanks for sharing about your mom and your vasovagal reactions. As the Lord brings you and your mom to my mind, I will pray for you! Peace my brother!