One Leader’s Landscape
Using Food stamps, gathering government commodities and collecting pop cans for extra funds were just a few of the regular survival strategies in my family. I grew up in a low income family. However, I had two parents who loved God, were devoted to one another and loved their children. My dad, a highly intelligent inventor/scientist, graduated from the University of Wisconsin with a degree in environmental science, later graduating with a masters degree from Michigan State. His research was centered in the area of brain dominance and computer science. As a child, I remember how he often spent his days in our basement inventing things like solar panels made out of discarded metal and junkyard finds or soldering computer chips to program motherboards housed in large black metal boxes called CPUs. Once he welded together a swing structure made out of steel piping that he found at an auction. He was a highly educated father with a mind on many things. Having relationships with people was very difficult for him. He frequently lost one job after another making it difficult to provide for his family like he wanted to. My mom later relayed to me that he often struggled with feelings of inadequacy, weakness and rejection.
During my freshman year of high school, our family was packed and ready to move to El Centro, California. My dad had taken a job there and our boxes were packed and ready to go. I was at school saying my final goodbyes to my friends, when I was called to the school office. My mom, sobbing on the phone, told me that dad had lost his job in California and was headed back to Illinois. We were devastated, but it was an all too familiar scene. Looking back, my family commented that my dad had Asperger’s syndrome, although not officially diagnosed. In my mind, he was like the dad in the movie “Honey I Shrunk the Kids”, always inventing and creating. Over the years, the Lord has mended areas in my heart that felt the pain of wanting to know my dad more and be able to connect with him. The Lord has also highlighted areas in which my dad led in faith, trusting in the Lord when times were very tough financially, not knowing where we would live or what to eat. One could presume that our family would have ended in separation, divorce or some sort of tragedy, however the outcome was very much the opposite. All of my parents children love the Lord and serve in full time ministry, some of their grandchildren are in full time ministry too.
My dad and mom led our family in faith. His fatherly leadership style didn’t look anything like a “Focus on the Family Father of the Year” style (if there is such a thing). Rather, he led in humility, vulnerability and weakness. Some of my earliest memories of my dad are of him having fallen asleep on the couch with his Bible opened across his chest.
Growing up, I often felt the “lack”, wanting what we could not have or afford, settling for second hand finds when I just wanted something new of my own. This is part of my backstage, the messy stuff, where the script was and is written. [1] However, these early scars, among others, have been repurposed by the Author and Perfecter of my story. [2] God redeems the brokenness, using it for His greater good.
Another part of my backstage, is that due to the fact that my dad was absent and my mom worked 3-11 p.m. at the hospital, I was often responsible for the care of my siblings at an early age. I found satisfaction in the identity of being a hard worker, as seeds started to grow in the landscape of my ego. [3] My landscape was beginning to be defined by a string of successes, especially as a hard worker. I started working in 6th grade as a corn detasseler in the summers and babysitter during the school year. To be able to have money for things that I wanted, like playing volleyball, tennis and running track, I worked. I worked at McDonalds from age 15-17 and then worked full time in home health care while attending Asbury University (then College) full time. On many occasions, leakage would happen when my backstage self would leak onto the front stage. . . tired, worn out from working so hard and wanting to have what others had, that I had to work so hard for, entertaining feelings of envy and “that’s not fair” with underlying drive to achieve and resilience to keep going. [4]
By the grace of God, the unhealthy drive for achievement and competition rears its ugly head less now than in previous years. As I read books, the illuminating presence of the Holy Spirit has highlighted many backstage and front-stage incongruences in me. One such book that spoke to me about some of my backstage “leakage” was Water From a Deep Well by Gerald Sittser. I highly recommend it. Gerald Sittser writes:
Thomas Merton, a convert to Catholicism, a Trappist monk and a devoted student of the desert saints, observed that people seem to be in constant need of activity and success. The frenzied pace of their lives poses a threat to spiritual health. Many people fail to make progress in the spiritual life, he said, because “‘they are attached to activities and enterprises that seem to be important.” Thus blinded by their desire for ceaseless motion, for a instant sense of achievement, famished with a crude hunger for results, for visible and tangible success, they work themselves into a state in which they cannot believe that they are pleasing God unless they are busy with a dozen jobs at the same time. [5]
As I read this week’s text, Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership by Simon Walker, there were several moments when the landscape of my childhood was disturbed and my current reality was cultivated a bit. I haven’t kept too much “backstage” in this post. I believe that healing can be experienced when light illuminates the dark places within us, allowing God’s grace to freely flow in a sin-sick person like myself.
[1] Simon Walker. Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership (Carlisle, UK: 2007), 27.
[2] Hebrews 12:1-2
[3] Ibid, 71.
[4] Ibid, 29.
[5] Gerald Sittser. Water from a Deep Well: Christian Spirituality from Early Martyrs to Modern Missionaries (Downers Grove, Illinois: 2007), 94.
About the Author
Cathy Glei
Cathy Glei brings more than 25 years of experience in teaching, leading and coaching. She currently is an Instructional Coach and loves to support individuals in discovering who God has made them to be, both professionally and personally. She has led a variety of professional development opportunities, trainings and workshops both in the fields of education and ministry. Cathy desires to support individuals in discovering the Creator's design and image within. Cathy and her husband, Steve, live in Michigan with their seven year old Springer, Otis. They have three adult daughters and two son-in-laws. Together, they enjoy the company of friends (both old and new) in their home, as well as cycling, camping, backpacking and hiking. They can be found hiking and enjoying the outdoors with Otis right alongside them.14 responses to “One Leader’s Landscape”
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Thanks for giving us a peak “backstage”. Your parents loved well and modeled faith for their children even during difficult circumstances. I find that testimony really inspiring.
I’m going to ask some questions, but they’re fairly personal so please feel free to just reflect and not answer. I wonder where you see yourself in the 4 egos paradigm and how much of Walker’s descriptions you identified with. I also wonder, depending how much you know about your Mom and Dad’s upbringing, where they would have fallen in the same paradigm. What would you say they did to instill attachment and an ability to trust (Jesus and others) in you despite a less-than-picture-perfect childhood? (I really apologize if I’m overstepping, feel free to delete or ignore me!)
Kim,
No overstepping at all. . . Thank you for asking. It’s interesting. As I read and considered the four egos Walker proposed, I didn’t feel the need to identify with one ego over another. There were bits and pieces of each that I considered and saw evidence of at different stages in my life. The Defining Ego is one that I most connected with, but I have also become more relaxed about having exceeding personal standards and targets. Where at one point in my life, I was more driven by high expectations of myself, often feeling discouragement for not ever seeming to meet them (according to how I defined success), I now look at those expectations with different lenses. I still have expectations but they are more in line with Garden anticipation instead of approval and acceptance. Does that make sense?
As for my parents, my mom was a primary influencer on how Jesus and others can be trusted. She would frequently recite (out loud) Philippians 4:19, “And my God will supply all my needs, according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus”. My mom was very intentional about doing life WITH others too. She was highly relational, full of laughter and had a unique ability to connect with people that made them comfortable to be with her.
I hope that brings some clarity. Thank you for asking. Ask more, Kim!
Cathy…brilliant…just brilliant.
I think Walker’s book has caused all of us to self evaluate. I guess all the books are doing that, but this one I have noticed takes many of us back to our childhood.
This past year, I finally decided to examine my PTSD with a counselor. Two shooting wars, the loss of students killed by Iraqi dissidents was leaking into my present life.
My counselor really focused on my childhood. He (like Walker) was searching for more underlying causes generated by childhood experiences.
I was uncomfortable at first, but as God turned the experiences of Joseph (in Egypt) to benefit the good. So he did for me.
My experiences into this deep dive into my childhood was rather freeing. As God would have it. I had just discovered a large pile of 8 mm tapes that my father had taken.
I had these digitized and discovered that from day one until my teen years, my father was recording our joyful family times. The person who I thought was aloof and distant, was following me around with his camera!
I have to say, a small glow was sparked in my life and some amazing memories started to flow from the experience. MY teenage memory of rebellion were quickly replaced by memories of my dad trying to do his best.
Wow. This has reshaped my childhood “angst” and turned it back to what it really was…a time of love and caring.
What Satan meant for evil, God changed for good. Just like Joseph.
Thanks for your post…Shalom…Russ
Yes, what the enemy means for evil, God uses for good.
Joseph’s words in Genesis 50:19-20. . . “But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
Paul’s words in Romans 8:28. . . “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
So interesting. I finished writing my blog and in my head I thought “I wonder what Cathy wrote this week?” I don’t know why but I clicked and here I am.
Wow – so much beauty in your writing. Poetic. Powerful. Full of imagery and so well communicated. Literally got weepy eyed.
What an amazing example of undefended leadership. Maybe sharing such intimate and private details of your youth have become easier with the mending God has done on your heart but either way, it is a case study on allowing your backstage to be in balance with your front stage.
I so enjoy when you share during our Monday because I find your thoughts so well put together and you bring such clarity to the discussion. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that Walker’s book brought out a powerful platform for you to discuss his ideas.
Basically what I’m trying to say is if you played for the Toronto Raptors I would by my kids your jersey for Christmas.
Okay – question then: you have clearly become self-aware in several areas as you journey through adulthood. And as you know, we don’t know what we don’t know. BUT … what is something you KNOW you don’t know that you might be intentional about becoming more self-aware about?
That is all. And again. Thank you for your post.
Ha, ha. . . . Oh my gosh. . . I am rolling with laughter. Toronto Raptors. Matthieu, you bring me such joy. You are incredibly crafty with your words. Thank you for your encouragement. What I KNOW that I need to know better (or more intentional about) is that God gives me strength (and has always been a source of strength) throughout the challenges in life. I know that in my mind but in the daily grind, particularly when there is a lot going on, I get lost in the doing. Does that make sense?
PS be ready for the hot seat.
Cathy, thank you for this post. This was an encouragement to me in so many ways. You have modeled the kind of vulnerability that is worth emulating. Seriously. You have been honest about your parents’ struggles that, I would imagine, may pave the way for others to open up and become honest about their own stories. As I read your post, I literally thought about the time(s) my parents came home with those big blocks of government butter — the kind of butter that you could slice with a cheese slicer. A single slice could cover almost the full width of a slice of bread.
I read your post and thought to myself how often I want to appear that I have my act together. Too often, I don’t want to tell those stories. Sometimes the last thing I want to show is “struggle and loss,” which is something that you have allowed others to peer into, and this is not unlike the spirit of some of the biographies Simon Walker mentioned.
At what point in your life/career did you cross a threshold in telling this story…to the point that it no longer made sense to NOT demonstrate this level of vulnerability? I think you’ve exhibited Walker’s definition of a leader…”taking responsibility for people other than (one’s)self”in a powerful way through the way you’ve stewarded this story. Wow.
Travis,
Did your family get government cheese too? I remember the big blocks of butter and powdered milk. My mom often made milk from the powder that the government provided. NOT my fav.
Thank you for asking. I can’t name a specific point, in terms of time, but rather in terms of the status of my heart. This was the threshold. I was in a community group years ago, and I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to share. I was scared, fearful of how I would be perceived. It was a group of people I didn’t really feel like I fit in with in the first place. Someone asked me a question about my upbringing and I reluctantly shared. It was a risk. Then my mind backpedaled thinking, “what did I just do?” A person in the group came to me privately afterwards and shared a similar story. We were able to connect and praise the Lord for His goodness. Thanking God for moments when He can use His story in us to share His love with others.
Travis,
Reflecting back on your question. . . I found this reading by Henri Nouwen very inspiring too, when we think about community and vulnerability. . .
“There are many forms of poverty: economic poverty, physical poverty, emotional poverty, mental poverty and spiritual poverty. As long as we relate primarily to one another’s wealth, health, stability, intelligence, and strength, we cannot develop true community. Community is not a talent show in which we dazzle the world with combined gifts. Community is a place where our poverty is acknowledged and accepted, not as something we have to learn to cope with as best we can but as a true source of new life. Living in community in whatever form challenges us to come together at the place of our poverty, believing that there we can reveal our richness.” (March 18 – Bread for the Journey; Henri Nouwen)
Cathy, I’m deeply moved by your story and your transparency.
This book had me wrestling with the backstage/front-stage tension and how differentiation plays into that. But I agree with you that exposing our dark things to the light is a path to healing, and I believe leadership transparency healthy and helpful to followers.
As I continue to wrestle with the implications your post caused me to question some of my own conclusions. Thank you!
Cathy, thank you for sharing your story! I, too, grew up poor and second hand everything, but the difference was that my dad was in full-time ministry. I sometimes, to model you, feel bitterness to how many churches underpay their pastors! This is the story of my Husband and I as well, as when we were pastors we qualified for WIC in order to afford formula because I couldn’t produce enough milk (TMI) but it’s all part of not being enough, huh. Anyway, your drawing in Thomas Merton reminds me, that we talk about material things as a connect when we are dying, that we can’t bring it with us, but it connects deeper that we also can’t bring the activity! The humility we will all face when age and/or disease catch up with us is humbling and if we place all our identity in what we do we will definitely suffer in the end. Cathy, what is a core identity for you in who you are as a person? What do you feel you offer the world that is God given?
Cathy! Beautiful, heartfelt, rich, and inspiring post. I was deeply touched by your words. My 25 year old son is also on the spectrum so your post really hit home. we are still praying for his future spouse.
Anyway, I have a question. You said, “However, these early scars, among others, have been repurposed by the Author and Perfecter of my story.” Can you please give me one example of how your early scars have been repurposed by Christ? Thank you and I don’t Christ would believe that you are a sin-sick person…NOT EVEN CLOSE! 😊
Thank you for asking.
When I refer to being “repurposed” by Christ, I am referring to the healing process and how our healing reveals Christ miraculous work in us, inspiring faith in others. I was sharing a portion of my story in a worship gathering. After the gathering, a mom and her daughter approached me to talk further about connections in our stories and the hope for healing. It was a moment when God repurposed early scars, reminding me of His goodness and love for me, but also allowing that healing to connect with another person’s story. I see this over and over again when I read the Bible. Narrative after narrative of God’s work in the lives of imperfect people for His grand story.