My client was “unconsciously” spellbound
I’ll never forget my very first client who was a former pastor. During our first session he asked, “Are you going to be using God’s word in our sessions?” I allowed his question to sink in with a five second pause and responded, “Help me to understand something?”
Me: Did you preach God’s word every Sunday?
Client: Yes.
Me: When you taught Sunday School, did you use God’s word?
Client: Yes.
Me: Throughout your ministry did you teach your people to pray and rely on God’s word?
Client: Yes I did.
Me: So, if I’m correct, you preached God’s word every Sunday, used his word to help many people to pray, and taught his word whenever you were in charge of Sunday school? You did all of this while you were sleeping with other women in your church. I guess God’s word does not work?
I allowed the awkward silence to penetrate his heart and it was obvious this beloved soul did not have an answer to my question. Then I proceeded to explain to him, that God’s word does work but his issues were far deeper than just spiritual. His issues were neurological and an inability to emotionally connect with people in healthy ways.
I will come back to this dear client soon but reading the book, Spellbound, by Daniel Z. Lieberman reminded me of how dangerous the unconscious can be. Ultimately this is a book about the invisible power of the unconscious in walking through life. It is compared to the principles of magic which essentially reveal in their symbolic ways how to become more aware so as to enact purposeful and meaningful change in one’s life. It’s about developing more awareness of your unseen world.
Lieberman wrote, “you may not realize how you rely on your unconscious.”1 and “It’s not unusual for the unconscious to get us into trouble.”2 Throughout the first part of his book he explains how the unconscious strongly influences our behavior. “Cravings diminishes the ego’s ability to make voluntary choices.”3 Whether a person craves, food, alcohol, or money, this craving can be too strong to overcome, even for the Christian. Let me explain why.
Back to my client. Within our first two sessions, he revealed how he was exposed to pornography at the age of 12 and he never told anyone about those magazines he watched every week. Lieberman says, “When the contents of the unconscious are activated, by stimulating the reproduction instinct, behavior is no longer directed by the rational ego alone. Agents that exist outside the sphere of conscious control compete with the ego, and often win.”4 These words help us to understand my client’s struggle. Also, there is a phrase known as Sexual Template or Arousal Template5. A person’s very first sexual experience is carved in the brain due to the hormone’s oxytocin and vasopressin.6 These hormones bond and cement a person’s brain to an activity first done at an early age. This carving causes a template that lives in the unconscious. And the moment a person starts an addiction is the moment he stops or considerably slows down his emotional growth. Thus, one of the main reasons a pastor can preach and commit adultery at the same time.
My client was desperate to change, to get out of his struggle. Lieberman says, “Magical help generally comes to those in need.”7 He strengthens his point by explaining only when we are in a bad situation, we are then open to listening to what is going on in the unconscious. When a person is at rock bottom, he dreams of a better life…just like fairy tales. “Fairy tales speak directly to the unconscious.”8 Embracing fairy tales can lead to alchemy or a magical process of transformation. This is what my client needed to do. He needed to partner with his unconscious to listen to what it was really telling him. He needed to listen to what he was ignoring for three decades. He needed to become aware of who he really was in order to become the person he really longed to be.
To become this new person, a tool he used a year into counseling was meditation. Lieberman says, “Meditation is awareness, the most basic characteristic of consciousness.”9 He then explains how meditation in the west is used for religious or health reasons, but its original use was a mystical exercise for enlightenment purposes.10 For example, my client was intent on deceiving people for years. Now he was “forming intentions”11 that were emotionally healthy because he knew how to “take heed to yourself”12
He was able to take heed to himself because he knew “the immature brain of a young child is extremely vulnerable to environmental conditions.”13 That immature brain made him spellbound to his struggle for decades. Understanding the power of fairy tales and alchemy led him to eventually become transcendent.
1. Daniel Z. Lieberman, Spellbound, 15.
2. Ibid. 16.
3. Ibid. 20.
4. Ibid. 21.
5. Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows, 87.
6. William Struthers, Wired for Intimacy, 105.
7. Daniel Z. Lieberman, Spellbound, 129.
8. Ibid. 122.
9. Ibid. 227.
10. Ibid. 228
11. Ibid. 229.
12. King James Version, I Timothy 4:16a.
13. Pat Ogden, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, 181.
About the Author
Todd E Henley
Todd is an avid cyclist who loves playing frisbee golf, watching NASCAR, making videos, photography, playing Madden football, and watching sport. He is addicted to reading, eating fruits and vegetables, and drinking H2O. His passion is talking about trauma, epigenetics, chromosomes, and the brain. He has been blessed with a sensationally sweet wife and four fun creative children (one of which resides in heaven). In his free time he teaches at Fresno Pacific Biblical Seminary and is the Founder/Executive Director of Restore Counseling Center.18 responses to “My client was “unconsciously” spellbound”
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Todd,
I enjoyed reading your blog!
It is interesting how this works so powerfully in spite of Scripture: “His issues were neurological and an inability to emotionally connect with people in healthy ways.”
This was very helpful to me as I am working with a client with similar issues:
“And the moment a person starts an addiction is the moment he stops or considerably slows down his emotional growth.”
I appreciate hearing what you took from Spell Bound.
Great job
Kristy Newport LMFT DLPG 01
Hey Kristy! Thank for your kind and gracious words. Those are definitely compliments coming from you. It’s great we are doing the same work!😊
Todd,
May I have your email address?
I am working on some podcasts and I would love to interview you. My research focus is on the questions that Jesus asked and what we might learn from them.
It would be an honor to discuss the work that you do and ponder Jesus’ question:
Luke 7:44 Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair.”
I know that you are sitting on some great insights to this question.
Would love to chat
Hey Kristy. I’m glad you actually think I could give some insight into this story. I will do the best I can. My address is todd@restore4U.life
Ok, my friend. Let’s do this!😊
Can I get a double wow (and amen).
Todd your post gave me a glimmer into what a brilliant counselor you are.
You can certainly peel back the layers of a persons hurts.
You wrote,. “Lieberman reminded me of how dangerous the unconscious can be. Ultimately this is a book about the invisible power of the unconscious in walking through life.”
“It is compared to the principles of magic which essentially reveal in their symbolic ways how to become more aware so as to enact purposeful and meaningful change in one’s life. It’s about developing more awareness of your unseen world.”
At an early point in my life (not sure when) I began to be come aware of the darkness of cultural practices in the Buddhist/Taoist/Hawaiian belief systems that we have in Hawaii. Many of us were drawn to that God shaped void that Pascal spoke of.
I equated this void to Ecclesiastes 3:11, God put eternity into our hears.
I guess Nature (as well as man) hates a void, and in my young Christian days (age 33) I saw my culture and others rush to fill the void with Greek/Roman/Hawaiian Gods…to fill that empty place.
I became aware of the spiritual battle as an early Christian. Coming across witches in the U.S. Army, I began to wonder on how this would impact my growing faith.
I was given clarity by Frank Peretti’s book , This Present Darkness. And I gravitated to Ephesians 6 – the Spiritual battle and the Armor of God.
But now I gather these were just beginning steps.
Your post expanded my horizons.
“Also, there is a phrase known as Sexual Template or Arousal Template5. A person’s very first sexual experience is carved in the brain due to the hormone’s oxytocin and vasopressin.6 These hormones bond and cement a person’s brain to an activity first done at an early age. This carving causes a template that lives in the unconscious. And the moment a person starts an addiction is the moment he stops or considerably slows down his emotional growth. Thus, one of the main reasons a pastor can preach and commit adultery at the same time.”
Wow, this explains a lot in my life. Some of my relatives were PORN kings. I was introduced to it at an early age…Sigh.
I also see this with many of the children we work with in the orphanages in Hungary….double sigh.
You continued, “This is what my client needed to do. He needed to partner with his unconscious to listen to what it was really telling him. He needed to listen to what he was ignoring for three decades. He needed to become aware of who he really was in order to become the person he really longed to be.”
Yesterday a friend (and my plumber) was working my house. Usually he fixes my leaks in 5 minutes and we talk for about 55 minutes.
He spoke cryptically about something that happened when he was 14. He didn’t elaborate, and I did not push. You template however, has given me pause to wonder.
Lieberman’s book struck a cord in many of our peers. I has been wonderful to view their responses and shape my own.
Shalom…
Russell, my dear brother, thank you sooo much for sharing your heart. I really appreciate it. I like how you were away of the spiritual battle and used it to grow spiritually. And that book, “This Present Darkness” is a gem.
Hey, in regard to the orphans in Hungary, what is the possibility of our ministries teaming up to plant a Restore Counseling Center in Hungary…in order to help many of these orphans to heal and recovery from their trauma and or sexual template?
Todd-
First- I am so glad that there are people doing the hard and powerful work that you do. As I read your story about your client, I appreciated the sophisticated way you were able to diagnose and draw out the real issues they were facing. Truly, a gifting that I don’t have!
Also, I was reminded of Tim’s post this week where he said: “‘magic’ is simply a primitive understanding of deeper scientific truths that have yet to be discovered and explained.”
The way you were uncovering for your client the legacy of trauma that was leading to his bad behaviors was truly a discovery and explanation of deep scientific truths.
Hello Jennifer, thanks for writing about Tim’s post because I’ll have to read it now.I kept thinking through a definition of magic because I struggled to connect with the book’s explanation. And thanks for the encouragement young lady!
Hi Todd,
Thank you for your post and for highlighting how you address the challenge of helping people see the difference between a spiritual problem and a problem with the brain. My husband and I have these conversations all the time with clients who are sincere Christians unable to stop behaviors by reading their Bibles, prayer, repentance etc.. and are deeply troubled by living against their values and beliefs. While doing all those spiritual things is wonderful if the problem was spiritual it would be resolved. It’s a joy when clients get it, can hold onto their faith, do the hard work of recovery, and find freedom. Some don’t and continue to view the problem as spiritual. I often think this is where faith is really acting as denial. Maybe you could speak to that. My question for you is, how do you manage personally and with your client when they don’t get that it is problem with the brain? Great post!!!
Hey Jenny, I love your response to my post. WOW! First of all your words about “Christians…are deeply troubled by living against their values and beliefs.” This reminded me to keep being aware of their inner struggle and the battle that goes on inside, which most likely causes shame. Therefore, I need to keep offering God’s grace to these men.
Second, I love when you wrote, “where faith is really acting as denial.” OOOhhh, Jenny, that statement was brilliant. It really made me think. It made me think about phrases such as, “God will provide, God is good all the time, God will make a way, I’ll just pray about it, etc. Many people do “spiritualize” their struggles because they have been taught their entire life that if they believe the right thing the right behavior will follow. Of course this is not true.
Now, to finally answer your question. Jenny, most of my clients realize neuroscience is part of my expertise, so they expect it. And if they don’t expect it, I tell them the first intake session. Plus, I get clients who are so desperate to change they are willing to listen to anything. They are dying to find out what is wrong with them and I let them know, it’s not about what is wrong with them. It’s about WHAT HAPPENED to them years ago and then I help them to see how their past emotional unhealthiness has contributed to their present unhealthiness. So, so far I haven’t had anyone disagree with me in regard to the issue is neurological and emotional.
Wow, what an insightful posts and great way to connect this material to your field. Those were some penetrating questions you asked that gentleman. That was a great way to redirect attention and break down faulty and ineffective assumptions. From reading your posts and from our conversations I know you are good at what you do and I can see why your practice is growing like it is. Keep doing what you do my friend, you are changing lives!
Hey my brother! Thank you for your encouragement man because my respect for you is off the charts! WE ARE changing lives!
Todd, I am so thankful for the work you do. It involves grace, forgiveness, transformation and dignity. As a mom of 3 teenage boys or pre-teen, it is so hard to not worry about this stuff. I’m still unraveling purity culture stuff, so parenting in this day where pornography is so accessible is a bit overwhelming. I appreciate this approach so much “This is what my client needed to do. He needed to partner with his unconscious to listen to what it was really telling him. He needed to listen to what he was ignoring for three decades. He needed to become aware of who he really was in order to become the person he really longed to be.” We need to be honest with our true selves, the shadow side as I know Lieberman discussed in order to integrate our whole selves. Sounds like a life time of work, and I’m glad you are a companion on the journey for so many!
Jana, yeah navigating and unraveling purity culture is a challenge…along with helping our children follow their faith. Here is a good book for a parent to read to young teens or preteens.
https://a.co/d/93QUWsw
Also, please let me know if there is anything I can do or help with. Blessings to you as you parent your boys well.
Phew, we have that book and already gave it to them! I feel affirmed. Thanks Todd.
YESSSS! That’s beautiful. I remember reading it to my boys and from time to time, simply asking, “Hey, how are you doing with the normal challenge of not giving your emotions over to pornography?” or “How can I walk with you through this journey?” Questions like this were always helpful and the fact you have already given the boys that book is a huge blessing. Hooray for the Dluehosh family! 😊
Hi Todd! I like your post. It is so reflective!
How do you connect meditation and the possibility of human change in their life? Is there any influence from Christian values that can help someone to change totally from their bad habits?
Hey Dr. Dinka (I love saying that). People who struggle with any type of addiction are not used to living in their body. therefore meditation is huge as they learn to connect with themselves. In fact it is vitaly important. Helping clients to learn to meditate while outdoors helps well. Then they can learn to meditate inside while sitting silently. Even though sitting silently can be a challenge because they are not used to feeling silence. It takes time but it works.
There are sooooo many Christian values and stories I use. Here are some themes that are important:
1. God does not look at sin the way we do. When we sin, God pursues us in grace.
2. Self-compassion instead of self condemnation/judgment
3. Serve others instead of serving self
4. Learn to take your thoughts captive so they won’t control you.
5. There is now no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus.
6. Prayer is connecting with God, not just asking.
7. Connecting with a Christian community is extremely important and necessary.
8. Take heed to your motives not just your actions.
9. Allow God to emotionally connect with you, so you can emotionally connect with others.
10. Anger is a secondary emotion that hides fear and sadness (God desires us not to fear and comforts our sadness).
These are just a few…