Healing Leaders, Work Through Their Shame
Last weekend, I had the opportunity to speak at a leadership conference to medical doctors, therapists, and social workers. Whenever I am given the freedom to choose my topic, I always try to choose a topic my audience is not expecting but I know they need to wrestle with. Last weekend, my topic was, “Healing Leaders, Work Through Their Shame.” I knew it did not sound flashy, pretty, or attractive but my goal was to get all leaders in attendance to deal with their conscious and/or subconscious shame.
We started with a powerful exercise. I told them, to get at shame triggers, figure out how you want to be perceived around a specific identity. So, for example, with regards to the identity of motherhood, one might want to be perceived as calm, knowledgeable, educated and not perceived as overwhelmed, stressed out, unable to balance career and mothering. I told them to choose an identity (motherhood, fatherhood, doctor, church leader, counselor, etc.) Once they chose one of their identities, I had them write down how they want others to perceive them within their identity. I gave them my example. I am a Co-founder/Executive Director of a counseling center. I want to be perceived as knowledgeable, caring, and able to lead well. Once they completed their task, I told them, whatever is the opposite of how you want to be perceived, most likely brings you shame. Therefore, shame can come into my life if I am perceived as unknowledgeable, uncaring, and not able to lead well. After saying this, it felt good to hear the “ooohhs” and “aahhhs.” They were hooked for the rest of our time together.
I tell you this story because Brene Brown also believes leaders need to deal with their shame, along with other issues. Brown’s book, Dare to Lead, explores the challenges of leadership through the lens of vulnerability, courage, and empathy. She writes, “Daring leaders must care for and be connected to the people they lead.”1 Warner and Wilder in Rare Leadership calls this “remaining relational”2 “Rare leaders are the ones who find relational ways to solve problems and thus, keep relationships bigger than problems.”3 To remain relational and care for the people we lead means we look at the challenges of leadership through the lens of vulnerability, courage, and empathy.
It is so tempting for leaders who want to gain the trust of their team to feel tempted by perfection, to have all the answers, never make mistakes, never mess-up, and always make the right decisions. Brown calls this “Armored Leadership”4 Armored leadership comes from “having to be the ‘knower’ or always being right.”5 This is one of the main reasons I chose my topic for last weekend’s leadership conference. In my opinion, it’s easy for all types of leaders to feel we need to be the one who has the answers. It makes us look and feel competent or allow me to say, knowledgeable. Underneath that knower mentality just might be some shame that needs to be addressed. Brown says, “It sounds pretty easy to replace the armor of knowing with becoming a curious learner, but for many people the need to be a knower is driven by shame and for some even trauma.”6 Woodward adds to this by saying, “we need to help leaders better identify the fingerprints of the devil in our own lives.”7 Woodward wants to “build immunity against the plague of domineering leadsership.”8 It’s the domineering leader who has to always be right or feels she needs to know it all. Underneath that domineering personality lies some shame. Brown’s antidote to shame, vulnerability, courage, and empathy.
Vulnerability
“There is no daring leadership without vulnerability.”9 “Across all of our data there’s not a shred of empirical evidence that vulnerability is weakness.”10 “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, and joy.”11 Dr. Yeager writes in his book, How Am I Doing? “Many of us resist vulnerability. But if you want to change or grow, you have to first become aware of those inner places of insecurity, weakness, and embarrassment.”12 Once we are aware of those inner issues, it is important to name them and keep in mind that they do not define us. Even if we have struggled with a certain issue for decades. I also think it is a great idea to share our places of insecurity, weakness, and embarrassment with those we lead. This will help work through the shame.
Courage
Brown talks about vulnerability and its intersection with courage. “You can’t get to courage without rumbling with vulnerability.”13 “Courage is contagious. We have to cultivate a culture in which brave work, tough conversations, and whole hearts are the expectation, and armor is not necessary or rewarded.”14 Since many and/or most humans struggle with shame, as the leader faces her shame moments, this will give others the courage to face their shame moments. The result will be having tough conversations, whole hearts, the desire to set goals that go way beyond our understanding and capacity to lead, etc.
Empathy
Since “shame is the fear of disconnection,”15 empathy is all about connection. “I take the perspective of another person, meaning I become the listener and the student…I stay out of judgment…I try to understand what emotion they’re articulating and communicate my understanding of that emotion.”16 One of my favorite concepts in the whole book is when Brown discusses that shame grows in silence, secrecy, and judgment, but empathy dissolves shame. I believe most employees want to work for an empathetic leader. It does wonders for the atmosphere when an employee is late due to being pulled over by the police or because their dog vomited on the floor right before they had to leave, and the employee knows they will not be shamed but cared for through empathy.
Conclusion
Brown defines a leader as “anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes, and who has the courage to develop that potential.”17 Part of developing that potential is facing shame head on and dealing with it. Susan Scott said in Fierce Leadership, “While no one has to change, when the conversation is real, the change often occurs before the conversation has ended.”18 When there is vulnerability, courage, and empathy in an organization or conversation, there will be authentic relationships and change…something shame can exist in.
- Brene Brown. Dare to Lead. 12.
- Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder. Rare Leadership. 123.
- Ibid. 123.
- Brene Brown. Dare to Lead. 76.
- Ibid. 91.
- Ibid. 91.
- JR Woodward. The Scandal of Leadership. xxiii.
- Ibid. xxvii.
- Brene Brown. Dare to Lead. 35.
- Ibid. 20.
- Ibid. 43.
- Corey Yeager. How Am I Doing? 56.
- Brene Brown. Dare to Lead. 12.
- Ibid. 12.
- Ibid. 120.
- Ibid. 140.
- Ibid. 4.
- Susan Scott. Fierce Leadership. 18.
About the Author
Todd E Henley
Todd is an avid cyclist who loves playing frisbee golf, watching NASCAR, making videos, photography, playing Madden football, and watching sport. He is addicted to reading, eating fruits and vegetables, and drinking H2O. His passion is talking about trauma, epigenetics, chromosomes, and the brain. He has been blessed with a sensationally sweet wife and four fun creative children (one of which resides in heaven). In his free time he teaches at Fresno Pacific Biblical Seminary and is the Founder/Executive Director of Restore Counseling Center.13 responses to “Healing Leaders, Work Through Their Shame”
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Todd, thank you for talking about shame in this. I loved the exercise you did (I oohed and ahhed along with your audience when I read that). I’m going to do that exercise myself, and then may lead my team in it. Thanks!
Man, you amaze me. Seriously. I’ve always been in awe of people who have the gift-mix and personality and perspective you seem to have. We/I need people like you in this world… and our cohort needs you. Your firm but patient, loving, and empathetic approach. Your analysis and academic excellence. Your experience. Your kindness. You have the whole package, man. It’s a gift to have been put in a cohort with you.
Look forward to seeing you in DC.
Hey my stud brother. I’m absolutely speechless! I’m not even gonna try to attempt any words. I think the world of you and to hear that from my pastor friend is so encouraging. I’m just gonna say, “Thank you.” And much love to you, bro!
Todd, my fellow East Coaster, LBC colleague and friend~ Thank you for sharing the exercise you led at the conference. It sounds as if you included men and women equally–thank you! It also sounds like you shared from a place of who you really are and how God created you. That’s impressive. After I read your post, I was struck by the power of your exercise and how it helped your listeners to not objectify an image of themselves or hope that the ONE DAY WAY OUT THERE I will become what I dream to become. You’re awesome, Todd! Looking forward to seeing you in D.C.!
My dear Pam, the lady I highly admire and appreciate! Thank you for your insightful words and I never thought of the fact that I was them “to not objectify an image of themselves or hope that the ONE DAY WAY OUT THERE I will become what I dream to become.” If I would have recognized this last weekend, I would have taken that thought a little deeper to give them hope about working through their subconscious shame. You are truly amazing, my friend. THANK YOU!
Todd! What a perfect talk for this audience. I struggle working within healthcare that has become so “perfection” focused, I’m sure due to a litigious culture. Doctors, nurses and healthcare professionals are so scared to make a mistake (which they all do as they are first and foremost human) that healthcare has to “hide” mistakes. I hate to say that, but that is the “system” we all work in, but in the middle are beautiful, smart, kindhearted people who are filled with shame when those things are questioned! Thank you Todd! I love your posts and the heart and vulnerability you pour into each one!
Hey Jana. Thank you my friend. I sure felt the perfectionism in their questions and comments. Thank you for mentioning that healthcare has to “hide” mistakes. That can be so hard on the honest workers.
It’s always good interacting with you, Jana! 😊
Todd, my friend, so much wisdom here. I love reading your posts. What a great exercise that I am absolutely going to steal! You tapped into what I feel quite regularly. We want to lead well, be respected, and be useful so we can maintain our influence and meaning in life. However, we can allow this pressure to overtake us and consumer us because we will inevitably show our limitations, fallibility, and humanity.
Hey my brother. I like your chose of words that we can allow pressure to consume us. Whoa, man. It’s easy to be consumed subconsciously and not be aware of how my limitations, fallibility, and humanity is oozing out on others. This gives me something to think about. As always, thank you bro! You are such an inspiration to me!
My friend, this might be my favorite post that you have written. You nailed it with your conclusion. I will be quoting parts of it regularly. I appreciate you kind, wise, and thoughtful voice. I am thankful to be on this journey with you. Looking forward to seeing you in DC.
Todd,
Such a powerful post. Between your thoughts on “lament” regarding Kenan Malik’s book, “Not So Black and White” and now on “shame” with Brene Brown’s book, “Dare to Lead,” I have gleaned so much regarding the responsibilities we have as leaders to create safe places through your posts. Thank you!
Hi Todd!
Your writing both enlightens and touches my heart!
You write, “It is so tempting for leaders who want to gain the trust of their team to feel tempted by perfection, to have all the answers, never make mistakes, never mess-up, and always make the right decisions. Brown calls this “Armored Leadership.”
For a moment I thought. I seemed to find myself there. I discovered through your writing, that this tendency also exists in me! Shame on me!
My question is, how to regulate the shame that arises as a result of betrayal, being humiliated, and being considered unimportant, in the past, to prevent the opposite factor (being arrogant and arrogant) from appearing in our leadership in the present and in the future?
Blessings!
Todd,
I know that I am not in your cohort but I had to read your post!
I like how you had people in your workshop assess their own shame. Excellent learning process- that you had them work through.
Excellent way to end your post:
“When there is vulnerability, courage, and empathy in an organization or conversation, there will be authentic relationships and change…something shame can exist in.”
I hope our paths cross again!
Blessings brother!
May 2 I become a doctor.
In just one year….you will do the same!
Hey Kristy! I have thought about you so many times! You are such an encouragement! Yes I know our paths will cross again. Congratulations soon to be Dr. Newport! 😊