Developing RARE Leaders is my NPO!
Rare Leadership: 4 Uncommon Habits for Increasing Trust, Joy, and Engagement in the People You Lead, by Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder is a timely read. I’ve been researching a variety of models as I begin designing platforms to develop relational connections for ministry leaders with the goal of supporting their social-emotional and spiritual well-being. This book has given me much to consider. The mere mention of the words trust, joy, and engagement in the title caught my attention immediately as being necessary for building strong connections among ministry leaders in my family of churches. The strength of the book is in the personal application for the leader and the potential for coming along side others who desire connection and support in their leadership roles. I find the authors approach and tools personally supportive. This book is a great companion to Wicked Problems by Joseph Bentley and Michael Toth. If I’m going to tackle the wicked problems in my sphere of influence, then I need to practice the uncommon habits described in this book, and I need to do them with the support of other people.
The Uncommon Habits
The uncommon habits are: Remain relational, Act like yourself, Return to joy, and Endure hardships well.[1] Warner and Wilder state, “RARE leaders are the ones who find relational ways to solve problems and thus, keep relationships bigger than problems.”[2] They remain relational rather than problem-focused. They don’t lose sight that the relational connection is most important. RARE leaders act like themselves under pressure. The authors identified “triggers and masks” as reasons leaders stop acting like themselves in tough situations, creating confusion for those they lead.[3] Understanding our triggers and the masks we wear to cover weaknesses and shame are critical to developing emotional maturity. Leaders need safe people to come along side so triggers can be tamed, and the masks can fall away. RARE leaders return to joy having learned to validate and manage the strong emotions of anger, shame, fear, hopeless despair, disgust, and sadness.[4] Joy can be found even in the midst of trials. Rare leaders endure hardships well. Knowing we are never alone, returning to joy, remembering who we are, while sharing our suffering with others makes this possible.[5] These uncommon habits are developed within the context of safe relationships.
Transforming Slow Thinking into Fast Thinking
What Warner and Wilder are saying is that these habits need to become automatic, but they are far from automatic in most human beings. These skills are developed in the Slow-Track system and transferred to the Fast-Track system through practice. Practice makes behaviors automatic. The authors state, “It [the Brain] learns by imitation and practice.”[6] We need mature leaders to imitate and lots of practice in order to develop these habits.
I did a quick review of Daniel Kahneman’s System 1 and System 2 thinking.[7] Kahneman’s describes System 1 as fast, automatic, intuitive, emotional, involuntary, and heuristic; and System 2 as slow, deliberate, effortful, logical, and controlled.[8] This corresponds to the Fast-Track and the Slow-Track systems described by Warner and Wilder.[9] We want the RARE Leadership habits to become so automatic that we don’t even think about them, we just do them. Moving skills that take practice in the slow-track system and transforming them into fast-track system behaviors that are automatic help us stay present in the moment, attend to those we are leading, and address wicked problems in a mindful way.
Edwin Friedman stated in Failure of Nerve, “The kind of “sensitivity” that leaders most require is a sensitivity to the degree of chronic anxiety and the lack of self-differentiation in the system that surrounds them.”[10] Chronic anxiety and a lack of differentiation within the systems in which we live, and work are wicked problems. They also describe how we humans tend to react rather than respond in challenging situations. This is where our System 1 Thinking or Fast-Track system can derail us. The RARE Leadership habits are skills that help us work through these types of wicked situations so we can get to the specific problem we want to make better and lead effectively.
Managing these reactions through responding well actually moves us towards connection with others during conflict. As Bentley and Toth clarified, “…wicked problems exist on all levels: intrapersonal, interpersonal, group, team, and organizational levels, as well as societal, national, and global levels.”[11] Where conflict, anxiety, and undifferentiated people exist there a wicked problem of some sort needs to be addressed. Moving towards one another instead of away from one another is key.
Applications to my NPO
My NPO statement: New Life Fellowship of Churches ministry leaders and spouses could benefit from meaningful, practical, and more frequent opportunities for relational connection that encourage being known, accepted, and loved.
In chapter 6, Imitation, Intimacy, and Identity were identified as places to begin. This practical perspective aligns well with how I am developing my prototypes for a variety of platforms for small group connection and retreat. Within these spaces RARE leadership habits are practiced, experienced, and become automatic. Imitation speaks to mentorship and having a senior, well-differentiated leader meet with ministry leaders on an ongoing and relational basis. Intimacy speaks to developing intimacy with God individually and within the group context. Identity speaks to the tone of the groups as being safe spaces to nurture relationships, develop a team of allies who are supportive, tender towards weaknesses, while remaining committed to seeking God.[12] The groups and experiences I am designing are not about accountability. They are about honest sharing with people who are trustworthy, love unconditionally, listen well, are willing to support during challenging times, and rejoice when times are good. They are connection points that bring joy, not fear.
Personal reflection: Is my identity as an individual and/or within the groups I belong motivated by fear or joy? How does my answer impact my ability to trust and engage with others on my leadership journey?
[1] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership: 4 Uncommon Habits for Increasing Trust, Joy, and Engagement in the People You Lead (Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers, 2016), 19.
[2] Warner and Wilder, Rare Leadership, 123.
[3] Ibid., 149.
[4] Ibid., 159, 171.
[5] Ibid., 177.
[6] Ibid., 110.
[7] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PirFrDVRBo4
[8] Daniel Kahneman, Thinking Fast and Slow, (New York, NY: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2013), 20-21.
[9] Warner and Wilder, Rare Leadership, 26-27.
[10] Edwin Friedman, Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. (New York, NY: Church Publishing, 1999), 146.
[11] Joseph Bentley and Michael Toth, Exploring Wicked Problem: What They are and Why They are Important (Bloomington, IN: Archway Publishing, 2020), 36.
[12] Warner and Wilder, Rare Leadership, 116-119.
About the Author
Jenny Dooley
Jenny served as a missionary in Southeast Asia for 28 years. She currently resides in Gig Harbor, Washington, where she works as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Certified Spiritual Director in private practice with her husband, Eric. Jenny loves to listen and behold the image of God in others. She enjoys traveling, reading, and spending time with her family which include 5 amazing adult children, 3 awesome sons-in-law, a beautiful daughter-in-law, and 8 delightful grandchildren.10 responses to “Developing RARE Leaders is my NPO!”
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Your NPO is important, Jenny. Pastors and leaders need relational connection and to know that we, too, are loved, accepted and known.
You wrote: “Within these spaces RARE leadership habits are practiced, experienced, and become automatic.” As I read these books I kept thinking about HOW to deepen these habits in myself and others so that they become automatic. I agree with you that relational connection is key to that.
Hi Tim, Thank you for your comments. It is interesting to note that in my context the pastors I work with really enjoy each other. They are totally on board with wanting more frequent connection, safe spaces for vulnerable conversations, and for time away with God and others to just be and rest. They picked the NPO and the solution. I think this is why love the whole NPO process as I am not fighting to do a project for them, but they led me to project that we can work out together. Timing and listening have really helped honed where I’m headed at this critical juncture.
You wrote. “What Warner and Wilder are saying is that these habits need to become automatic, but they are far from automatic in most human beings. These skills are developed in the Slow-Track system and transferred to the Fast-Track system through practice. Practice makes behaviors automatic. The authors state, “It [the Brain] learns by imitation and practice.”[6] We need mature leaders to imitate and lots of practice in order to develop these habits.
Ahh…experience. In the Army we learn to shoot, move, and communicate. This is not normal civilian behavior and to be frank it needs to be taught to our young lieutenants/soldiers. Even as they grow older and move behind a desk, this ‘habit’ of action (type A behavior) helps the Army move forward toward this goal.
It doesn’t happen over night and there is the danger of leaders becoming managers – rendering them ineffective on the battle field. Sigh…I digress, my mind rushes to the issues I face in Ukraine with managers who lack the experience to respond to the fluid situation in a war zone.
With that begin said, I totally dropped the relational team building ball in my haste. I have had to slow down to 1) explain the environment, 2) describe the new team members in Ukraine, and 3) to encourage and recruit GSI members to engage in the process.
Double sigh. Still learning and trying to imitate great leaders like you.
Selah….
Hi Russell,
I noted this comment in your blog post as well, “In the Army we learn to shoot, move, and communicate.” It totally makes sense in a military context that these habits would need to move to System 1 and that it is difficult. I also chuckled that in my line of work it nearly the exact opposite. It would sound more like,
Move (closer), Listen (to understand), Communicate (what you heard). No shooting involved! Offering support and maybe some action planning to follow up:) Moving these skills to System 1 (fast track) is a challenge too. I have to practice suspending or setting aside my automatic emotional responses that lead me to problem solve too soon, fix, blame, judge, or avoid. I am a work in progress!
You have a lot of insight in this post, Jenny. For example, your comment “ Where conflict, anxiety, and undifferentiated people exist there a wicked problem of some sort needs to be addressed” is a succinct way of saying what I feel like I took a whole blog post to say!
Additionally, as I am wrestling with a conundrum this week, I will be reflecting on your final question: “Is my identity as an individual and/or within the groups I belong motivated by fear or joy?” There is a lot to unpack in the answers that I believe are important as a leader to understand.
Great Post!
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you for your kind words. I have almost regretted posting that question. I’m not totally sure I even worded it that well. At any rate, I have been thinking about it all day. Which is a good thing. I am considering where fear shows up in my relationships. It’s all good as I want to be my most authentic self in relationships. One little piece at a time! One situation at a time! 🙂
For my response I’m simply gonna copy/paste (at least I’m being honest about it!) my top three prototypes for my NPO. I think you will find them to be so close to what you are doing….
Lead Pastor Confessional Communities: This concept is about supporting Lead Pastors through active sharing and listening in a group setting, whether virtually or in-person. The belief is that pastoral leaders, although often seen and heard from platforms and pulpits, desire to be truly known and vulnerable in the presence of like-minded peers.
Lead Pastor Retreats: With “The Table” at the heart of these extended retreats, Lead Pastors are afforded the time, space, hospitality, and opportunity to decompress, eat and drink in the context of community, as well as pay diligent attention to God’s “still small” voice.
Lead Pastor Renewal Resource: Modeled after the challenging journey of Elijah from Mt. Carmel to Mt. Horeb (1 Kings 18,19), is the development of a 40-Day Renewal resource (i.e.: book, discussion guide). This would be a tangible companion for Lead Pastors as they retreat, reconnect, find restoration, and then re-enter back into faithful service. The scope of this prototype is a written introduction, first chapter and table of contents.
Hi John,
Our prototypes are very similar. I have two different target groups, ministry leaders and ministry spouses, and call them sharing groups, at least for now, and retreats..and yes around table and in restful spaces. I recognize the need for resources and guidance for the groups, so that is on the back of my mind as well. I have been doing bits of training/practice during our annual conference for the last two years. I’m hoping to change the culture of how ministry leaders and spouses in my context connect with other leaders for honest sharing, engage with rhythms of rest, while encouraging the self-care, social-emotional, and spiritual practices of Jesus. There will certainly be phases to this project, so I’m grateful that I only have to tackle one aspect for now. All the parts are important! I am so excited to read your work and encouraged by what you are doing!!
Hey Jenny. Yes this book resonates with your NPO. Thank you for your post and based upon your NPO I have an easy question.
Actually, I love your NPO and you could have used any 4 words at the end of your NPO and you used “being known, accepted, and loved.” Why those 4 words?
Hi Todd,
The last four words of my NPO were chosen by my stakeholders, the actual ministry leaders I am working with, and developing my prototypes for. They pretty much wrote the NPO statement. They recognized they all needed spaces to experience more of that type of connection and more time together. I really resonated with the guidance we received early on to listen for the need and involve the stakeholders in the decision for my solution. I am blessed to work with a great team of ministry leaders who care deeply about one another, but are recognizing the need for more support, relational connection, and safe places to share their struggles in order to thrive in ministry.