Damn Few, More Dorothy Sayers, and Ernest Shackleton’s Ice Cap
“Calm is contagious.”
About a decade ago, I read Rorke Denver’s book, Damn Few: Making the Modern Seal Warrior. While reading Edwin Friedman’s book, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, Denver’s story of a particular combat event came to mind. After he described a pretty horrific scene, Denver wrote, “One thing I noticed that day and not for the first time: The people screaming the loudest were those hurt the least. And it was causing pandemonium in that room. It reminded me of something I’d heard in SEAL training when a young officer was flipping out over some trivial mishap. A senior chief told him: ‘Sir, you’re freaking out and it’s making everyone else freak out. Let me pass on an important piece of advice: ‘Calm. Is. Contagious.’’”[1] “Non anxious presence.”[2] That’s what the senior chief was talking about.
Friedman’s take on “contemporary leadership dilemmas”[3] challenged me and at the same time resonated in so many ways. It challenged me, because I get how hard it is to move away from depending too heavily on “technique and know-how.”[4] In my line of work, I’ve often relied on various methods that fall under the umbrella of participatory action research or action learning. As helpful as these methods can be, they can also become “ultimate things” (idols) when it comes to helping a leader or organization make hard decisions or change course. The myth of having an “orientation toward data rather than the capacity to be decisive”[5] is real. Data and technique, according to Friedman, need to take their rightful place, subordinate to self-differentiation.
What resonated was Friedman’s emphasis on the well-differentiated leader. Friedman describes this kind of leader as “someone who has clarity about his or her own life goals and, therefore, someone who is less likely to become lost in the anxious emotional processes swirling about. I mean someone who can be separate while still remaining connected and, therefore, can maintain a modifying, non-anxious, and sometimes challenging presence.”[6]
In short, “differentiation means a healthy separation of one’s self.”[7] These are the kind of leaders who may have a motto like “calm is contagious,” but they would never wear the t-shirt. You’d know it by their presence.
Friedman’s Old World – New World framework also resonated. Consider this “Old World” superstition: “The key to successful leadership is understanding the needs of one’s followers.”[8]
Herein lies the challenge of too many feedback loops. Since we just read about Dorothy Sayers in Eve Poole’s Leadersmithing, here’s Sayers discussing the problem with paying an inordinate amount of attention to such needs: “There is, in fact, a paradox about working to serve the community, and it is this: that to aim directly at serving the community is to falsify the work; the only way to serve the community is to forget the community and serve the work.”[9]
Sayers provides a few reasons to support her statement, including the following example: “if you set out to serve the community, you will probably end by merely fulfilling a public demand – and you may not even do that. A public demand is a changeable thing. Nine-tenths of the bad plays put on in theaters owe their badness to the fact that the playwright has aimed at pleasing the audience, instead of at producing a good and satisfactory play.”[10]
“New World” framework: “A leader’s major effect on his or her followers has to do with the way his or her presence (emotional being) affects the emotional processes in the relationship system.”[11]
In 2020, Harvard Business Review’s “Ideacast” produced a story titled “Real Leaders: Ernest Shackleton Leads a Harrowing Expedition.” I sent the episode to just about every client I had ever coached. HBR’s account of Shackleton’s failed expedition to Antarctica is an amazing story of leadership and survival that exudes a large measure of self-differentiation. Shackleton managed to keep his team alive. For two years. On a floating ice cap. And then led them to escape.[12] Shackleton seemed to have a firm grasp on how his presence affected his crew. His decision-making was crucial in helping them stay alive. He was able to remain connected to his crew while at the same time he was able to “separate his…own emotional being from that of his…followers.”[13]
“Mature leadership begins with the leader’s capacity to take responsibility for his or her own emotional being and destiny.”[14] For ministry leadership, observing the Sabbath and having a Rule of Life are good places to exercise the muscles of self-differentiation. Slowing down, practicing the Daily Office, physical exercise, scheduling times to retreat on the calendar – perhaps monthly, quarterly, annually – even as responsibilities increase. These are just a few rhythms that can contribute to better self-care and a more non-anxious presence. I know others have even incorporated regular times with a qualified Spiritual Director into their routine. These disciplines were discussed and contemplated at a 24-hour Soul Care retreat I attended last month with several other ministry leaders, facilitated by a local pastor. My hope is to continue integrating these disciplines, and remaining consistent, as I adjust my own rhythms for the present and future chapters of life and ministry.
[1] Rorke Denver, Damn Few: Making the Modern Seal Warrior, Kindle version. New York: Hyperion, 2013, Location 2717 of 4148.
[2] Edward H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. Revised edition. New York: Church Publishing, 2017, 253.
[3] Friedman, 12.
[4] Friedman, 18.
[5] Friedman, 26.
[6] Friedman, 15-16.
[7] See website: https://theallendercenter.org/2017/10/the-differentiated-self-healthy-relationship/, accessed on 2/18/23.
[8] Friedman, 206.
[9] See Dorothy Sayers’s essay “Why Work.” It can be accessed here: https://depree.org/portal-resource/why-work-dorothy-sayers/
[10] See Dorothy Sayer’s essay “Why Work.” It can be accessed here: https://depree.org/portal-resource/why-work-dorothy-sayers/
[11] Friedman, 206.
[12] The episode can be found on the following website, accessed on 2/18/23: https://hbr.org/podcast/2020/03/real-leaders-ernest-shackleton-leads-a-harrowing-expedition
[13] Friedman, 20.
[14] Friedman, 215.
About the Author
Travis Vaughn
7 responses to “Damn Few, More Dorothy Sayers, and Ernest Shackleton’s Ice Cap”
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Hi Travis, you mentioned, “Mature leadership begins with the leader’s capacity to take responsibility for his or her own emotional being and destiny.”
I agree, in these hectic DLGP times AND with our day jobs, there emerges (or not) a new balance of time, energy, resource expenditure. There are days when I feel exhausted, but only because I am trying to do it on my own.
It is so key that we are rooted in Him, especially if we are to work on those projects that will expand HIS kingdom.
Shalom….Russ
Russ, thanks for the comments. I agree, so key to be rooted and grounded in Him. I think Friedman’s “Mature leadership” quote makes me think of Paul’s exhortation to Timothy in I Tim 4:18 “Watch yourself…” I know, it’s not the same thing, but the leader HAS to have a great deal of self-awareness, and as you’ve said, a great deal of rootedness in Christ. I think Paul could have probably used phrases like “non-anxious presence” or “self-differentiation”, if those had been around in his day.
Brilliant.
Few Things:
1. A senior chief told him: ‘Sir, you’re freaking out and it’s making everyone else freak out. Let me pass on an important piece of advice: ‘Calm. Is. Contagious.’’” That is huge. I’m downloading that book just for that quote.
2. My wife and I can’t get enough of the show “Special Forces” on Hulu. If you haven’t already, check it out.
3. I would assume you’ve seen the quote attributed to Shackleton. As the story goes Ernest Shackleton ran an advertisement in the newspaper to try to recruit men for his Endurance expedition: “Men wanted for hazardous journey. Low wages, bitter cold, long hours of complete darkness. Safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in event of success.” / Sounds like “take up your cross and follow me” stuff.
4. The 24-hour Soul Care Retreat. Any details on that? Not so much in terms of where and when, but what did you do for that time period, and was it fruitful?
I have NOT seen Special Forces on Hulu, so thanks for recommending it. I will check it out.
Yes, I have seen that quote — quite amazing. Their story of survival is crazier. Shackleton had to be well-differentiated.
The Soul Care retreat was indeed fruitful. The pastor who organized it is a dear friend and this is part of his next chapter of ministry, even while he continues to serve as a pastor. We spent a great deal of time eating and fellowshipping, reading, working on S.P.I.R.E. (Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Relational, Emotional) rule-of-life stuff, having some times of silence, and more eating…more like feasting.
Travis,
Great connections to other stories and situations that elucidate some of Friedman’s thinking/points. Quite frankly, he could have used a few more of your stories and a few less biological ones in my view!
While I appreciated the top half of your blog, it was your final paragraph that stood out to me. This might be due to the fact that I relate more easily to ‘spiritual retreats’ than Navy Seals…but more, I think you implicitly reveal one common mistake in ‘un-differentiated leaders’. Many Pastors are just too busy to slow down, get away, do a retreat, etc… and, I would suggest, workload is NOT the problem…lack of differentiation is, which will often lead to burnout. This concept of ‘taking care of yourself’ so you can take care of others is only adopted by differentiated leaders who can detach from the unending demands of others. Keep on Keeping on brother!
Hi, Travis,
Your posts continue to inspire me to think deeper. When you mentioned “the myth of having an “orientation toward data rather than the capacity to be decisive” is real”, I had to pause to reflect over why we so heavily gravitate to, as Friedman calls it, the “substance abuse of data”(p. 121). Is there a deep internal need that is trying to be filled through data that we overlook? Friedman asks “will the information highway become the next skid row?”(p. 125). Wow. This hits hard. It shows how anything can become an idol in our lives. I once had a friend say, “we read so many books on leadership and ministry, but take very little time to process and internalize what we have read with the Holy Spirit.” Even in this intensive season of the doctoral program, it is easy to allow our minds to be placed into a data reading frenzy where we simply live in anxiety and fear. I am not sure how to manage this yet, but being aware of it (as a drug addict has to first acknowledge there is a problem) is the first step.
Also, thank you for addressing ways and means to stay centered on what is truly important as we navigate this journey. I am determining to schedule in a one day prayer retreat each month but also love that you mentioned a rule of life. I plan to revisit this since it has been a while since I contemplated what and what is not serving me well. Have a blessed Sunday!
Wow – really great stuff in your post this week, Travis! I super appreciate how you pulled in our other readings into Friedman’s narrative.
It was an insightful analysis of the leadership qualities exhibited by two exceptional individuals. The parallels between the leadership styles of Dorothy Sayers and Ernest Shackleton, highlighting their commitment to excellence, willingness to take risks, and ability to inspire and motivate others were on point.
One aspect I found particularly insightful was your discussion of the challenges that leaders face, such as managing competing priorities and dealing with uncertainty. By acknowledging the complexity of leadership, you provide a more nuanced perspective on what it takes to be an effective leader. This resonated with me, as I have experienced firsthand the challenges of leading teams in dynamic and rapidly changing environments.